how did you handle sharing the baby load w/dh

DH seems to think that it's my "job" to take care of the babies. When I ask him to help w/a feeding or burp a baby he gets this attitude like I'm asking him to climb mt Everest or something... I'm already planning on having a talk with him but I'm curious how you all handle this.

They are only 9.5 weeks old so not that interactive yet and I know he doens't really know what to do with them and he feels that since he's working (outside the home of course) that he shouldn't be getting up to help with any night time feedings

This was fine when they were ont he same eating scheudle but my son can now go 6-8 hours at night but my daughter only 4 which means I'm getting up like 4-5 times a night and I'm DROWNING over here..

Help any suggestions or experiences on what you all have worked out would be SO helpful!

 

My husband travels, so I have always had to "do it all" by myself. Up until now I did it and worked too. I just recently became a SAHM because it isnt easy with three!! You can do a lot of it though, if DH will not help. Fortunately the babies wont wake up every 4 hours for much longer. When my DH is home he is very supportive of me and does what he can to help. Maybe you can enlighten yours of what exactly you do all day! Some guys just have no clue and think that we just sit around and play until they get home... :laughing: If not, do the best you can do and I am sure your sweet babies will be just fine!

 

Definitely have "the talk." I think we all go through it at some point. But more importantly get out by yourself and leave him with the kids. Maybe that will "enlighten" him about being a more hands-on parent and allow him to gain some confidence.

 

I am going through this same thing with my DH. He thinks b/c he works he has special privleges. I used to work 12t hours a day b/f I found out I was pregnant and the job of SAHM is definately much harder. It is a 24/7 job. No days off. I am arguing with my DH about this too. He just wants to come home and be lazy everyday and most days I go from sun up to sundown and then during the night with no help. My babies still eat every two hours too. He always tells me to make time to do stuff (like finish laundry or clean bathrooms) but how the heck do you make time to do stuff with no help and with two newborns and two older kids? I dont see where he is coming from at all. My DH is in the military therefore he cant just quit his job. He says all the time that he is going to quit his job and let me work and him stay at home with the kids. Yeah right. When I had the twins (who were in NICU for two weeks) he stayed here with the other two kids (who are in school) and would complain that it was too much work ( he also did not cook he went out to eat every night and I had to threaten him to get the house cleaned up b/f the babies came home) What is with these men?

 

I think sometimes you gotta just come out and say it. Dh saw how hard it was for me to be with them all by myself all day and how exhausted I was from sleep deprivation (they were eating every 2-3 hours around the clock for many months). I used to even do their baths by myself and finally one night (when they were around 2 months old), I said to him "listen, you are here and there is no reason you can't help me." and from that day on he has always shared in the bath time/bed time routine.

Also, it helped for him to be with them a good number of hours alone to see how hard it is. I think your dh needs to be reminded that it took 2 to make these babies and it takes 2 to raise and take care of them. Be very understanding of how hard he works out of the home and how much you appreciate that you are in a situation where you can be home to take care of them but that doesn't mean you don't need help or that he gets to be "off the hook." Remind him that while his job may be 9-5 (or whatever it is), that your job is pretty much 24 hours a day and that you don't have an hour lunch break or a 15 min break or time to sit in the car and just listen to the radio and be in your own thoughts.

Most importantly, he needs to understand that what you do IS a job and it's never ending and if you aren't going to get any breaks then you at least need some help. It's so rediculous how they fail to really understand that what you do is not only "work" but it's harder than any job they could possibly ever have. I remember I just kept saying to my dh (who I have to say DID help me a lot and still does. I'm very lucky), "Are you saying what I'm doing isn't WORK?????" and that usually stopped him in his tracks.

 

I guess I'm lucky b/c DH has been their since day one slinging the mud with me. When he gets home from work he always takes a baby and doesn't sit down until that baby is asleep. He washes bottles, changes diapers, the whole nine yards. At night, he takes our "good" sleeper and I take our "bad" sleeper. He stayed home alone with them all day the day after Thanksgiving when I picked up a shift at work for Christmas money and when he came home he said "I don't know how you do this, it's way harder than going to work".

I think you need to sit down and tell him how much work it is, or sneak out for a few hours on the weekend so he can see it firsthand.

 

I was off for 3 months and when DH was home we split everything. Including getting up at night. Now that I'm working, we still split everything!!

I couldnt' have survived any other way!

you definitely need to have a talk with him!

 

so for those whose dh's worked and helped out did they help w/night time feedings too? Since the babies are now on different night eating schedules I'm thinking of asking him to pick a baby (logically our son who sleeps for 6-8 hour stretches) is that reasonable to ask of him? I mean I know he thinks he needs his sleep to "perform" at work but after 10 weeks of not sleeping more than 3.5 hour stretches i'm loosing it..

also his mil coming over durring the day is not a decent solution-- we get along but shes very much about showing me up or proving that when i say he won't take a binky she'll make sure that he takes it to prove me wrong (in a grandma knows best kinda way)....

 

QUOTE(Erica92 @ Dec 4 2007, 11:39 AM) [snapback]520264[/snapback]
so for those whose dh's worked and helped out did they help w/night time feedings too? Since the babies are now on different night eating schedules I'm thinking of asking him to pick a baby (logically our son who sleeps for 6-8 hour stretches) is that reasonable to ask of him? I mean I know he thinks he needs his sleep to "perform" at work but after 10 weeks of not sleeping more than 3.5 hour stretches i'm loosing it..


That's what we do, DH takes my DS who eats at 9, sleeps until 4, and then until 7:30 when I get up for the day. I take DD who eats at 9, sleeps until anywhere between 2:30 and 4, and then hopefully until 7:30 when I get up and take both babies. If you can "get by" on 3 hours of sleep a night, he can "get by" on 7 hours of broken sleep.

 

QUOTE(Erica92 @ Dec 4 2007, 10:39 AM) [snapback]520264[/snapback]
so for those whose dh's worked and helped out did they help w/night time feedings too? Since the babies are now on different night eating schedules I'm thinking of asking him to pick a baby (logically our son who sleeps for 6-8 hour stretches) is that reasonable to ask of him? I mean I know he thinks he needs his sleep to "perform" at work but after 10 weeks of not sleeping more than 3.5 hour stretches i'm loosing it..

also his mil coming over durring the day is not a decent solution-- we get along but shes very much about showing me up or proving that when i say he won't take a binky she'll make sure that he takes it to prove me wrong (in a grandma knows best kinda way)....


Yes, my dh helps with night feedings too. If you are a SAHM don't you deserve a day off too? That's how we do it at my house, DH picks if he wants Friday or Saturday night and that night I sleep in the bedroom alone all night, uninterrupted with the door closed. DH sleeps in the guest room that night or once he even put a pillow on the floor in the nursery and slept on the floor in between feedings so he would hear them cry without waking me up. He gets two days off from his job each week so I think I deserve one day off as well. Also on the weekends on my day off I get to do what I want for the day, and if that means going to my parents house so I can sleep then that's what I do. My DH is really great with the babies, it seems sometimes better than me!

 

We did the "pick a baby" thing right from the get-go. And then as one got better at sleeping longer stretches he would take that one and I would take the other. And then on the weekends we would switch. We also did the Friday night/Sat night thing where I would get a night off when they both started sleeping better.

 

QUOTE(Erica92 @ Dec 4 2007, 10:39 AM) [snapback]520264[/snapback]
so for those whose dh's worked and helped out did they help w/night time feedings too? Since the babies are now on different night eating schedules I'm thinking of asking him to pick a baby (logically our son who sleeps for 6-8 hour stretches) is that reasonable to ask of him? I mean I know he thinks he needs his sleep to "perform" at work but after 10 weeks of not sleeping more than 3.5 hour stretches i'm loosing it..

also his mil coming over durring the day is not a decent solution-- we get along but shes very much about showing me up or proving that when i say he won't take a binky she'll make sure that he takes it to prove me wrong (in a grandma knows best kinda way)....


Im a working Dad who helps out quite a bit. These are our first children and we tried for many years to have them. So, I may take parenthood a little less "for granted" than most.

With that said, my wife is a SAHM and she has the harder job. No question about it.

Our little ones dont have any health problems and they are happy and very well adjusted (no colic, allergies, crying for no reason, exuberant fussiness). Even with the fact that they are "good" babies, it is still a major chore to care for them all day every day and keep the house together at the same time. Here is why...

1. mommy works a 12 hour day. Daddy works 8.
2. Mommy gets no weekends. Daddy does.
3. Mommy has the responsibility of our precious children's ability to thrive squarely on her shoudlers. Daddy only has to worry about a bunch of Nerdy computer stuff for 8 hours a day.
4. Mommy doesnt have the budget for the things that I know make her life happier anymore. (nails, Purses, shopping, Christmas, lunch with friends, trips for R&R) since she doesnt have an income anymore. This is really unfair for her and she never even complains.
5. Mommy has no help at all (mothers, sisters, aunts...) I am her only help at the end of the day and weekends. This is sad and she never complains.
6. Mommy still has a bad back from carrying these heavy little mongrels for 9 months. Well...8 months and change but you get the idea.
7. Mommy is an accountant and I am not good at the books so she also has to handle the family budget and bills.
8. I am forbidden from touching laundry. (See laundry destruction project 2004 for details) So she has to do all of that as well.
9. Mommy had to give up her lucrative career that she invested many years into to stay home and give the best care for her babies. I know this is hard for her and she never complains. This is Nobel prize material here...

So to make life just a little easier for her, I do the following things to make her happy so she can continue to be the best Momma in the world. She is very good to me and I in turn give it right back.

1. I do baths every night for both babies.
2. I take the babies from her at 5:30pm several time a week and let her go to the gym, jog, take a calgon bath, go visit friends and get out of the house for a while, anything she wants.
3. I feed the babies the last meal of the night and put them to bed.
4. I let her sleep in on Saturday or Sunday morning.
5. I do the grocery shopping on my lunch break.
6. I cook dinner most nights (We eat healthy usually so this is not as hard as it sounds)
7. I save money and surprise her with the occasional manicure or massage.
8. I clean the hard parts of the house like floors, bathrooms, garage, windows etc...

I think if you were to talk to your husband and let him realize that these children are dependent on BOTH of your time to really thrive he would be willing to change his ideas of what his role should be.

Also, yours are still at that age where they give nothing back like smiles, giggles, and loving gestures. I think once they do, he will become addicted to them like most Daddies do.

Good luck! And I agree that you should let him spend one-one time with them so he can see just how hard it is to care for them.

 

QUOTE(nervousnewdad @ Dec 4 2007, 11:16 AM) [snapback]520333[/snapback]
Im a working Dad who helps out quite a bit. These are our first children and we tried for many years to have them. So, I may take parenthood a little less "for granted" than most.

With that said, my wife is a SAHM and she has the harder job. No question about it.

Our little ones dont have any health problems and they are happy and very well adjusted (no colic, allergies, crying for no reason, exuberant fussiness). Even with the fact that they are "good" babies, it is still a major chore to care for them all day every day and keep the house together at the same time. Here is why...

1. mommy works a 12 hour day. Daddy works 8.
2. Mommy gets no weekends. Daddy does.
3. Mommy has the responsibility of our precious children's ability to thrive squarely on her shoudlers. Daddy only has to worry about a bunch of Nerdy computer stuff for 8 hours a day.
4. Mommy doesnt have the budget for the things that I know make her life happier anymore. (nails, Purses, shopping, Christmas, lunch with friends, trips for R&R) since she doesnt have an income anymore. This is really unfair for her and she never even complains.
5. Mommy has no help at all (mothers, sisters, aunts...) I am her only help at the end of the day and weekends. This is sad and she never complains.
6. Mommy still has a bad back from carrying these heavy little mongrels for 9 months. Well...8 months and change but you get the idea.
7. Mommy is an accountant and I am not good at the books so she also has to handle the family budget and bills.
8. I am forbidden from touching laundry. (See laundry destruction project 2004 for details) So she has to do all of that as well.
9. Mommy had to give up her lucrative career that she invested many years into to stay home and give the best care for her babies. I know this is hard for her and she never complains. This is Nobel prize material here...

So to make life just a little easier for her, I do the following things to make her happy so she can continue to be the best Momma in the world. She is very good to me and I in turn give it right back.

1. I do baths every night for both babies.
2. I take the babies from her at 5:30pm several time a week and let her go to the gym, jog, take a calgon bath, go visit friends and get out of the house for a while, anything she wants.
3. I feed the babies the last meal of the night and put them to bed.
4. I let her sleep in on Saturday or Sunday morning.
5. I do the grocery shopping on my lunch break.
6. I cook dinner most nights (We eat healthy usually so this is not as hard as it sounds)
7. I save money and surprise her with the occasional manicure or massage.
8. I clean the hard parts of the house like floors, bathrooms, garage, windows etc...

I think if you were to talk to your husband and let him realize that these children are dependent on BOTH of your time to really thrive he would be willing to change his ideas of what his role should be.

Also, yours are still at that age where they give nothing back like smiles, giggles, and loving gestures. I think once they do, he will become addicted to them like most Daddies do.

Good luck! And I agree that you should let him spend one-one time with them so he can see just how hard it is to care for them.


Oh yeah, and we have always rotated the night wakings. She does one, I do the next. They sleep through the night these days but that was the hardest part of the twin journey so far...when they were up all night. I dont miss that phase one stinkin' bit...

 

I have done all of the night wakings with my kids, and until the twins, most everything else too as far as baby care! The twins had terrible reflux though and they were a bear to feed, so Jeff did help me with the feedings after he got home from work. Those first few months were rough! It does get better! :hug99:

 

I am a SAHM and my DH and I are in the thick of it so to speak just as you are. Most of the time he is a pretty good help. He and I work in shifts. I go to bed at 8:30-9:00 and he stays up to do the last feeding betwee 11:30 and 12:00. He then puts the babies to bed. Sometimes he even keeps them downstairs and does the next feeding when he knows I am really tired. I know he is tired when he goes to work, but he always says hr knows I can't do it on my own. Any little bit you can get your DH to do will help.

 

QUOTE(nervousnewdad @ Dec 4 2007, 05:16 PM) [snapback]520333[/snapback]
Im a working Dad who helps out quite a bit. These are our first children and we tried for many years to have them. So, I may take parenthood a little less "for granted" than most.

With that said, my wife is a SAHM and she has the harder job. No question about it.

Our little ones dont have any health problems and they are happy and very well adjusted (no colic, allergies, crying for no reason, exuberant fussiness). Even with the fact that they are "good" babies, it is still a major chore to care for them all day every day and keep the house together at the same time. Here is why...

1. mommy works a 12 hour day. Daddy works 8.
2. Mommy gets no weekends. Daddy does.
3. Mommy has the responsibility of our precious children's ability to thrive squarely on her shoudlers. Daddy only has to worry about a bunch of Nerdy computer stuff for 8 hours a day.
4. Mommy doesnt have the budget for the things that I know make her life happier anymore. (nails, Purses, shopping, Christmas, lunch with friends, trips for R&R) since she doesnt have an income anymore. This is really unfair for her and she never even complains.
5. Mommy has no help at all (mothers, sisters, aunts...) I am her only help at the end of the day and weekends. This is sad and she never complains.
6. Mommy still has a bad back from carrying these heavy little mongrels for 9 months. Well...8 months and change but you get the idea.
7. Mommy is an accountant and I am not good at the books so she also has to handle the family budget and bills.
8. I am forbidden from touching laundry. (See laundry destruction project 2004 for details) So she has to do all of that as well.
9. Mommy had to give up her lucrative career that she invested many years into to stay home and give the best care for her babies. I know this is hard for her and she never complains. This is Nobel prize material here...

So to make life just a little easier for her, I do the following things to make her happy so she can continue to be the best Momma in the world. She is very good to me and I in turn give it right back.

1. I do baths every night for both babies.
2. I take the babies from her at 5:30pm several time a week and let her go to the gym, jog, take a calgon bath, go visit friends and get out of the house for a while, anything she wants.
3. I feed the babies the last meal of the night and put them to bed.
4. I let her sleep in on Saturday or Sunday morning.
5. I do the grocery shopping on my lunch break.
6. I cook dinner most nights (We eat healthy usually so this is not as hard as it sounds)
7. I save money and surprise her with the occasional manicure or massage.
8. I clean the hard parts of the house like floors, bathrooms, garage, windows etc...

I think if you were to talk to your husband and let him realize that these children are dependent on BOTH of your time to really thrive he would be willing to change his ideas of what his role should be.

Also, yours are still at that age where they give nothing back like smiles, giggles, and loving gestures. I think once they do, he will become addicted to them like most Daddies do.

Good luck! And I agree that you should let him spend one-one time with them so he can see just how hard it is to care for them.


Nervousnewdad Rocks!!!! :banana: Well said and keep up the good work!!!

 

QUOTE(Erica92 @ Dec 4 2007, 07:25 AM) [snapback]520056[/snapback]
DH seems to think that it's my "job" to take care of the babies. When I ask him to help w/a feeding or burp a baby he gets this attitude like I'm asking him to climb mt Everest or something... I'm already planning on having a talk with him but I'm curious how you all handle this.

They are only 9.5 weeks old so not that interactive yet and I know he doens't really know what to do with them and he feels that since he's working (outside the home of course) that he shouldn't be getting up to help with any night time feedings

This was fine when they were ont he same eating scheudle but my son can now go 6-8 hours at night but my daughter only 4 which means I'm getting up like 4-5 times a night and I'm DROWNING over here..

Help any suggestions or experiences on what you all have worked out would be SO helpful!

When my DH's home we split the chores and baby duty 50/50. You work just as hard if not harder than him, he needs to pull his fair share of the load otherwise you are going to crack. Split up the night into shifts and have him take care of them 1/2 the night. That way you are each getting some sleep!

Good luck lady! :girl_devil:

 

Thanks SO much for all of your posts ( I really appreciated the post from the dad's perspective) I will def share this thread with dh and try to have a really open conversation about sharing more of the work load. I appreciate ALL of the suggestions and perspectives.

 

I kinda do everything myself... DH will wake at nite every so often, but he works 15 hours a day.. He needs all the sleep he can get... And on his days off.. He is right there with me.. I need a break!!! This week i am going to hit him up for a pedicure!!!

 

QUOTE(idtwinstx @ Dec 4 2007, 01:10 PM) [snapback]520406[/snapback]
I am a SAHM and my DH and I are in the thick of it so to speak just as you are. Most of the time he is a pretty good help. He and I work in shifts. I go to bed at 8:30-9:00 and he stays up to do the last feeding betwee 11:30 and 12:00. He then puts the babies to bed. Sometimes he even keeps them downstairs and does the next feeding when he knows I am really tired. I know he is tired when he goes to work, but he always says hr knows I can't do it on my own. Any little bit you can get your DH to do will help.


That is similiar to what we did. I would literally crash in bed around 7 every night and my DH would do his best to take care of the babies until midnight. Some nights he had to wake me, but he did try hard not too. That way I would atleast get 3-4 hours in a row. Then after midnight I would wake up, but if one baby woke while the other was being fed or changed he would get up too. He knew I had it rough so he helped as much as he could. He made all the formula and did all the laundry in addition to the little things like helping with baths, garbage, walking the dog, etc. He also let me sleep in on weekends and then when I woke up he would get to go take a nap.

I know things are so hard right now, but soon they will be sleeping through the night. Just hang in there. I remember how tough those days were.

 

Nervousnewdad - you ROCK! I think you and my DH should get together for the Awesome Dad/Spouse Convention!

I am a SAHM, and my DH helps a ton. We share household chores (dishes, litterboxes, keeping the diaper laundry going, since we CD, etc). Before he leaves for work in the morning, he spends some time playing with the babies so I can have a cup of coffee in peace, even if it's just 15 min. As soon as he gets home from work in the evening, he jumps in, and we either each take a baby in a Bjorn to get chores & prep work for the night routine (baths etc) done, or he plays with them while I get a few things done. Sometimes he'll take over the babies on his lunch break so that I can get out for a run, if the weather is too lousy to go running with them in the jogging stroller. (He lives a 5 min. walk away from work, which makes this possible.) On the weekends, he goes out of his way to give me breaks, though of course I make sure he gets to get out and do stuff he likes too (like go to the gym). At night, we used to take turns feeding both babies; now that they wake up at different times during the night, he's in charge of one baby and I'm in charge of the other.

We are a great team. I couldn't do it without him.

So anyway, Erica, please do have "the talk" with your DH! I really hope he'll step up to the plate and start doing more of the work. You should print out Nervousnewdad's post and stick it on the fridge (or the john, or wherever he'll see it all the time)! Sure, he has to work during the day - and you don't??? Your job is WAY harder than his. He gets breaks, can go to the bathroom without two little creatures screaming at him, etc... The sleep deprivation is just something you get used to. My DH has been up at night since the beginning, and he's gotten raises and promotions.

And if he doesn't know what to do with the babies, just give him really specific, concrete pointers. Like "When they're awake and happy, give them some tummy time and let them look at x y & z toys" or "When they get fussy, try singing 'Yankee Doodle'."

Good luck! :hug99:

 

Sorry you are struggling right now. I am a SAHM and I believe since dh has to gte up at night it is my job to do night feedings. On the other hand he gets us to change diapers while i feed etc since day 1 without being asked. He actually would get grumpy with me i I didn't wake him.

I think that what you are giong through is normal and having "the talk" several times and time will help alot. It is a huge adjustment becoming a parent and some people need a little more adjustment time than others. Keep that line of communicaiton open aobut your needs and expectations of him and give him a little time to get there.

Hang in there. It's really hard being a parent, even harder being a SAHM sometimes.

 

I have to say that whenever I read a post about a dad/dh that doesn't pull his weight I get so steamed! working outside the home does not mean a free pass when they get home. My DH is an absolute equal partner. He does everything but BF them (and even then he'll go get a baby during the night, and bring them to me--change them, etc.) I absolutely could not do it without him. I hope you get some help from him soon!

Reyna