how can I help out

My DD has asked me to stay with her family (daughter 31,-son-in-law 31,GD-4 & GS-2,expected twins B/G) for the month of june when she will deliver by c-section. I am very excited and extremly nervouse about this visit. I seem to upset my daughter with my advice, she thinks im critisizing when im just trying to make her life easier. So I need advice on what she needs from me, and what I should not do. We have a loving relationship and I don't wont to blow it. Also what can I buy her now to prpare her for this awesome adventure. P.S. I am a 51 Year old twin to my sister/bestfiend Brenda and my mom always lets me know how hard it was on her, but I love a challenge.

 

That is so nice of you to stay with your daughter for a month! I would suggest doing anything she asks - particularly helping during the night! I would just try to not offer her any suggestions and just assist when she asks you.

 

Cooking
Grocery Shopping
Cleaning
Laundry
Playing with the other children
helping out at night
Letting her take a lxurious bath / shower

Run her household so she can bond with the new little ones! give her encouragement, tell her what a great job shes doing etc.
If she asks for advice by all means give it, but preface it with "what worked well for me".

As for buying her something --- cleaning service or babysitting help after you leave is always a GREAT gift (even just a few hours a week).

 

That's pretty awesome and exciting!! You being a twin and your baby is having twins! [Now you'll get to understand a little where you mother came from when she said 'it was hard on her'] ^_^

Like Aimee mentioned, just be there for her and assist when she asks you.. even if it's just helping to take care of the older g-kids while she's with the babies. It's So wonderful that you're staying with her for the first month. She will appreciate it So much! Every little bit helps - esspecially during the nights!!

My MIL came for the first 5 days [stayed with me in the hospital [2 nights].. I couldn't walk cause one of my legs were still numb from the epidural.. actually 1.5 month after delivering] and did almost everything for me! Then my FIL came after that and stayed for a few days. I can kind of understand where your daughter comes from with getting a little upset.. I get a little frustrated with my mom sometimes too. I really didn't think I was going to feel that way. We've got a great relationship as well. When she'd come to visit, it would be for a few hrs at a time and she'd make food [Korean food - yummy! ^_^] and help feed a baby and change them.

Even just BEING there would help honestly. I remember being so exhausted during the day and DH would let me take a short nap when he got home from work - it was great. I found that sleep was KEY. The more rest I had, the more patience I had with the babies.

 

My mother comes over a few hours a week, and I get frustrated with her also - but we have a great relationship. Like a pp said, I would only offer advice if she asks. Remember that some days she may just feel like crying and it has nothing to do with you. Help with cooking and cleaning and the other children would be great, IMO. Also, like a pp said, let her rest. My MIL came to help for a few days after we got home from the hospital, and as soon as she would arrive each morning, I could take a nap - and that was a great help. Congrats and good luck!

 

I will say that having twins and being the mom to twins is one thing that my mom admired me for and was in much awe of how I handled things (even though I thought I was a basket case most of the time). You've gotten great input on what you can do to help. The best things my mom did for me were: laundry, laundry, laundry letting me sleep or pump (I exclusively pumped for 8 months), or get away for a few if I needed a break, she did not judge or offer unsolicited advice even when she witnessed the insanity of new parenthood and newborn preemie twins collide in my home.

The VERY best thing that my mom has done for me over the last 15 months and especially the first few was to PRAISE ME. She made me feel like I wasn't a complete screw up (even though I felt like it at times)! She took care of me and made things eaiser on me so that I could be a better mom.

 

She is lucky you are coming to stay and really, what an exciting time for you as well with your daughter and grand children. What I would suggest like others is encourage/praise her. There was nothing like hearing from my own mom that she thought I was a good mom. Also, I found I wasn't doing a good job taking care of myself- my mom helped me for a month and she really took teh approach of helping me take care of myself so I would be my best for the babies- made sure I ate, cooked food/dinner, laundry, refilled the water cup constantly, stocked the freezer for when she left, and laughed when I was laughing and didn't laugh when I would cry. It is an amazing time- enjoy this precious time with your family! Having you there will help her enjoy her new babies all the more- what better gift is there?

 

QUOTE(*Sully* @ Jan 25 2009, 04:40 PM) [snapback]1161754[/snapback]
I will say that having twins and being the mom to twins is one thing that my mom admired me for and was in much awe of how I handled things (even though I thought I was a basket case most of the time).

The VERY best thing that my mom has done for me over the last 15 months and especially the first few was to PRAISE ME. .


My advice as well. My mom tends to openly and freely share her opinion with me on most things (the way I clean, the way I wear my hair, the way I decorate, you name it). Bugs me but I love her more than anything. The one thing my mom did was NEVER criticize my parenting. She would do the opposite and praise me for having TWO. She still does. When I ask for advice she prefaces it still with, "I never had twins. I have no idea, but..."

My DH took three weeks off and we ended up not needing her to stay with us (she lives locally). BUT, when she came to visit, she made dinner, cleaned, did laundry, made bottles, you name it. Sure she held a baby here and there, but she really focused on my regular "chores" that I was unable to do. It meant the world to me.

As for a gift, if you have one of those companies nearby that does dinners (you go there and prep them, bring them home and freeze), that would make an awesome gift. Dream dinners is one chain that comes to mind. My favorite gift was a new pair of pjs. I wore them all the time and it was nice to have new ones after wearing my other ones on bedrest for three months!

 

I'm not in this forum anymore, but I thought if I had the chance to go and tell my mom how I was going to feel after the babies arrived I would jump at the chance. I remember that the hormone swings after the twins were 3 times as bad as when I had my singletons. Everything upset me. But it wasn't me, it was the hormones. If she says or does something out of character, don't take it personally or hold it against her. Also, if for some reason the babies end up spending time in the NICU, watch the other children so your Daughter and SIL can spend time with the babies together. My Dad did this a couple of times for us, but we really needed someone to watch our older boys. It's hard to go and sit and watch your LO's all hooked up by yourself, especially with the hormones.

Help out any way that she needs and asks. I needed help cleaning, my mom came twice, but then rearranged my kitchen (which wasn't helpful). If she's going to nurse maybe help by making sure she has something to drink when she sits down.

You are a wonderful mother and grandmother. It shows by how much you want to help and not hinder. Enjoy this time with your daughter and grandbabies. She is very blessed to have a mother that cares and will be there for her.

 

Tthank you for reminding me not to re-arrange anything because thats something I would have thought to be a wonderfull surprise...YIKES! I like doing housework but am hates for me to do her laundry..maybe I should ask again...also I plan on making freezer dinners for her while I am there and I will bring new pajamas for everyone, but what should I get for her pregnancy time to make her feel special? QUOTE(NINI H @ Jan 25 2009, 08:09 PM) [snapback]1161795[/snapback]
I'm not in this forum anymore, but I thought if I had the chance to go and tell my mom how I was going to feel after the babies arrived I would jump at the chance. I remember that the hormone swings after the twins were 3 times as bad as when I had my singletons. Everything upset me. But it wasn't me, it was the hormones. If she says or does something out of character, don't take it personally or hold it against her. Also, if for some reason the babies end up spending time in the NICU, watch the other children so your Daughter and SIL can spend time with the babies together. My Dad did this a couple of times for us, but we really needed someone to watch our older boys. It's hard to go and sit and watch your LO's all hooked up by yourself, especially with the hormones.

Help out any way that she needs and asks. I needed help cleaning, my mom came twice, but then rearranged my kitchen (which wasn't helpful). If she's going to nurse maybe help by making sure she has something to drink when she sits down.

You are a wonderful mother and grandmother. It shows by how much you want to help and not hinder. Enjoy this time with your daughter and grandbabies. She is very blessed to have a mother that cares and will be there for her.

 

QUOTE(aimeethomp @ Jan 25 2009, 05:35 PM) [snapback]1161668[/snapback]
That is so nice of you to stay with your daughter for a month! I would suggest doing anything she asks - particularly helping during the night! I would just try to not offer her any suggestions and just assist when she asks you.


Thank You for the advice...your pic is adorable...I will remember to do as asked and not be controlling.

 

QUOTE(aimeethomp @ Jan 25 2009, 05:35 PM) [snapback]1161668[/snapback]
That is so nice of you to stay with your daughter for a month! I would suggest doing anything she asks - particularly helping during the night! I would just try to not offer her any suggestions and just assist when she asks you.


Thanks for the advice...I think I'll concentrate on entertaining the older kids so Am can bond with her new babies and not feel like Im being the mom...my DD is very territorial.

 

Congratulations!
You've gotten some wonderful advice in here, so I may be repeating here. I think helping with the cleaning, cooking, taking some of the overnight feedings, taking the older grandchildren out to a movie, handling the babies while your daughter spends time with the older children, praising her and her DH, and letting them vent -those are all huge helps!
I think your DD is incredibly blessed to have a mother like you. Enjoy the time spent with those precious grandbabies!

 

I was soooo grateful for my MIL providing food for the household- shopping, cooking, cleaning the kitchen, cooking extras, etc. Mom needs nutritious food, but won't have a second to cook or shop. It seemed that I could deal with recovery and sleep deprivation so much better with good food to eat.

 

QUOTE(Mom2CA @ Jan 25 2009, 08:57 PM) [snapback]1161843[/snapback]
I was soooo grateful for my MIL providing food for the household- shopping, cooking, cleaning the kitchen, cooking extras, etc. Mom needs nutritious food, but won't have a second to cook or shop. It seemed that I could deal with recovery and sleep deprivation so much better with good food to eat.


You sound just like my Am...she loves it when I make lunch for everyone as that is the busiest time for her. I will make that a top priority and it gives me a chance to try out new healthy foods...hope the kids are willing.

 

You are such a wonderful mom/grandma for asking us how you can help your daughter. My mom also stayed with us for a month and I wish she would have asked what I needed ahead of time. She was very helpful by waking up with my 2 year old DS and spending most of the day with him. Also, she changed a lot of the babies' diapers (but would comment on their parts every time she did it, which drove me crazy!). She was also helpful by cleaning the kitchen after meals. That is about where her help ended. I wish she would have:

Cooked
Cleaned the bathrooms
Vacuumed
Washed the floors
Grocery Shopping
Praise me. A few other people did praise me for how good I was doing and in hindsight that was the best thing for me then. I mostly felt like a failure the first few weeks because I had two very tiny babies and a toddler to take care of, learn to breastfeed both babies, heal from my c-section, etc...so I never felt like I was doing one thing well. So, when someone told me how amazed they were by me, it made me feel great!

The key to the above things is that you should just do them. You can ask her how/when she wants you to do them, but don't wait for her to ask. I think my mom was waiting for me to ask her to do these things and I had so much guilt about so many things in those first few weeks that I couldn't possibly ask my mother to do more for me.

Something else she did that drove me crazy was constantly asking me what the babies were supposed to be doing at that point in time. She wanted to hear they needed to be supplemented with formula/diaper changed/burped, etc. It drove me nuts because most of the time I didn't know what they needed and it just made me feel worse by her asking me. I would focus on the older children, so she can focus on the babies. However, follow her lead if she wants to spend some time with the older ones. If she is upset about not spending time with the older ones, I would only then suggest that you take the babies for a few hours while she plays with the older ones. However, DO NOT suggest this unless she seems to want to do it because otherwise you'll just make her feel more guilty for not wanting to or not feeling up to it. Basically, just be really cautious about what you say because she will be a hormonal mess. I cried for three days straight after I got home.

Good luck and don't take anything she says or does personal!

 

QUOTE
what should I get for her pregnancy time to make her feel special?


You are so sweet to be so worried and for wanting to make her feel special. You have gotten some great advice, so I won't go back over what to do/not to do when you go stay with her after the babies are born. You say you want her to feel special now and that is the greatest thing! So many people are so focused on the babies to be, they forget about the one carrying those bundles of joy. Since it sounds like she already has other children,she is probably not enjoying her pregnancy as much as she might if she wasn't already focused on the other kids and so tired at the end of the day. I would say giving her and her husband a night away while you babysit would be wonderful. They don't have to spend a lot of money or go far to have a beautiful night away from it all. A local hotel, maybe one with an indoor pool so she can take the weight of the babies off her back for a while- that would be heaven! My husband and I were able to spend a weekend away before the twins were born (we were still in town, just a hotel) and it was fabulous. Another really great thing could be a pregnany massage and a manicure. You might do it with her as well, but either way, tell her you are doing it for her because she is such a wonderful daughter and mother and you want her to feel wonderful. You're a great Mom and Grandmother!!

FWIW, my MIL is a twin and her twin is named Brenda! Just tell me your name isn't Linda!

Kelly

 

Gifts ? --- bring good chocolate to the hospital find out if she likes white/dark or milk chocolate. Buy her a Year journal so she can write in there when they first smiled, laughed, rolled over, etc. A picture frame with mom and babies in it.

PICTURES --- try try try to convince her to let you take a pic of her and the babies the first day. Give her time to put on make-up if that is what she wants. Tell her you will not show anyone until she has seen the pics just incase she isn't looking good.... but pictures of HER and the babies are soo important. On the second & third day you puff up like a balloon and you look puffy and awful. SO DAY ONE !! PLus a family photo with dh and the babies. While in the hospital take pics at each stage of the babies if they are on equipment. Later you can look back and see how they went from different stages of care and equipment (if in NICU). When home continue to take pics of mom and babies. and mom and each baby individually. (this time is a blurr and photos and video will help preserve this time) videos are even better if you know how.

IF ATTEMPTING to Breastfeed (Bf) --- try not to make any comments except acknowledge how "difficult it must be" this is a hard one because some comments can sound like you are PUSHING when actually you are trying to ENCOURAGE the mom but hormones can make the twin mom feel like a failure for not continuing. On the other hand.... comments which are meant to let the mother know that it is "ok to stop if she feels that is best" might come off sounding like you are "wanting her to stop bf and not encouraging her". so tread lightly on this one. better just to say "I don't know I'm sorry" and leave it at that.

Positive comments --- "you really are such a natural mom of twins" "you are doing a great job" "she/he looks so comfortable in your arms" "you were meant to be a mom" "I'm so proud of you" look at her/his cute nose, looks like you. As a mom of twins you want to hold both of your babies at once, feed them and diaper them. It is so hard to not be able to do this. So when someone else is holding your child it feels good when they talk about that baby and how cute it is, whose nose it has, things to look forward to.... you feel more included.

Cooking -- try to plan the meals instead of waiting to be asked. Find out if a particular meal is suitable and start without being asked. Try to get an idea now of what her family eats.

Time out of the house -- plan every day to leave the house for a few hours. If her husband is home all day, give them some alone time with the babies by taking the kids out or leave them all together alone for some family time. Go for a walk yourself at least to give her some time by herself. She will also appreciate you more when you are there. Other options are grocery shopping, walk to the park with the kids, to the mall, pick up baby items she might need, or just make up some excuse to go out for 2-3 hours.

Cleaning -- if she is good with it, learn how she would like the bottles cleaned. this is a huge help. I found "nested" after I got home and wanted things clean and neat. So dont' be surprised if she has this too.

If she has other kids -- try to really learn now how she disciplines her kids, what they Can and CAN't play with. this will help to keep them consistent and on-track. Bring a present for them if they are under 5 years old. A book is a great present since too many toys can get cluttery. When you arrive give the other kids attention FIRST then attention to the twins. She will also feel bad that she isnt' able to give her other kids attention - so if you are able to fill that void it will make her feel at ease.

Other guests -- have a cake, cookies, tea ready for other guests. Find out if your daughter would like you to remind guests to "wash their hands first" before holding the babies. Often twins are smaller than a regular newborn and prone sickness. We asked all our guests to not come over if they had been sick that week. DO NOT INVITE SOMEONE WITHOUT HER KNOWING. Limit guests to 2- 3 hours max (if your daughter is good with that). see your self as protecting your daughter so she can protect her babies. if someone is staying too long you could say "well we should leave so mommy and the babies can have a nap... lets go to the mall". ....

Ideas for mommy time with babies -- I loved holding them while I was in bed, I felt alone with them and I was able to hold both of them. I put a pillow under each arm to prevent me from rolling if I fell asleep. I loved to bath with them, my mom would bring a baby into the bathtub and then switch. It was so relaxing for me.

Time for yourself -- buy a good book, magazines, for yourself and give yourself some time in your room as well. Most houses are never large enough it seems for guests so it is nice to have the livingroom, etc. to yourself sometimes. Especially with guests coming and going it feels overwhelming. this is where a few hours out for yourself is good. Call a friend and go out for a coffee -- take time for you too. So it isn't all baby baby baby

Dont' take it personally if she gets emotional eventhough it is hard not to. PLEASE get back to us and tell us how it all turned out..

Heather

 

QUOTE(KellyJ @ Jan 26 2009, 12:31 AM) [snapback]1162033[/snapback]
You are so sweet to be so worried and for wanting to make her feel special. You have gotten some great advice, so I won't go back over what to do/not to do when you go stay with her after the babies are born. You say you want her to feel special now and that is the greatest thing! So many people are so focused on the babies to be, they forget about the one carrying those bundles of joy. Since it sounds like she already has other children,she is probably not enjoying her pregnancy as much as she might if she wasn't already focused on the other kids and so tired at the end of the day. I would say giving her and her husband a night away while you babysit would be wonderful. They don't have to spend a lot of money or go far to have a beautiful night away from it all. A local hotel, maybe one with an indoor pool so she can take the weight of the babies off her back for a while- that would be heaven! My husband and I were able to spend a weekend away before the twins were born (we were still in town, just a hotel) and it was fabulous. Another really great thing could be a pregnany massage and a manicure. You might do it with her as well, but either way, tell her you are doing it for her because she is such a wonderful daughter and mother and you want her to feel wonderful. You're a great Mom and Grandmother!!

FWIW, my MIL is a twin and her twin is named Brenda! Just tell me your name isn't Linda!

Kelly


Thank You for taking the time to respond. I realy liked your ideas...her pregnancy has been rough on her so I will be doing as you suggested with the hotel with pool idea...and my name is Barbara.

 

Congrats on the grand babies-to-be obviously, some great input allready! Speaking only from my personal experience...I had my mom, my grandma, and our nanny helper who all raised children in the 50', 60's and 70's...well they allways wanted to put the babies to sleep on their tummies which is a total NO-NO these days because of SIDS, honestly they didn't believe it was a problem..this freaked me out! you probably know this allready...but just in case, a heads up for you. also let her sleep!!!!!!!!! its amazing what sleep will do for a new momma with raging hormones!!!

 

QUOTE(amsmom @ Jan 25 2009, 07:42 PM) [snapback]1161820[/snapback]
Tthank you for reminding me not to re-arrange anything because thats something I would have thought to be a wonderfull surprise...YIKES! I like doing housework but am hates for me to do her laundry..maybe I should ask again...also I plan on making freezer dinners for her while I am there and I will bring new pajamas for everyone, but what should I get for her pregnancy time to make her feel special?




Ideas to make her feel special now...

Give her a night out with DH --- good idea to do this during the earlier months of her pregnancy just in case she has to be put on bedrest later.

If she likes to be pampered

Prenatal Message ----Ahhh...my Dh had me go twice during my last 2 months of pregnancy and it was heaven! It isnt a deep message, its more relaxing and they focus on the areas that take the most toll during pregnancy. I was swollen from retaining so much water, had pregnancy induced carpal tunnel and my lower back just ached from carrying all the extra weight. The message defiantely helped alleiviate those symptoms. I felt like a new woman when I left.

Pamper --- Whether it is a pedicure or a stylish haircut, I believe when you look good you feel good! The pedicure was really nice becaues they gave me a lower leg message (ahhhh) and dipped my feet in warm wax. Although I couldnt see my feet...I knew they were shiny and pretty! Even while I was in labor, the nurses at the hospital commented on how lovely my toes were!!! lol

My last trimester with the twins was so very hard...harder than when I was pregnant with a singleton. I was so uncomfortable and literally couldnt move. I think anything pampering would be perfect. Her body is creating and caring for 2 babies.


I think the others ladies suggestions on how to help once the babies are here are perfect. You dont want to take over caring for the baby while mom keeps up the house, cooks, does laundry ect. Mom is going to want to bond, relax and heal, she is going to need you to help with the house, ect.

Congratulations! You are such a sweet caring mom to want to do this for your daughter!

 

Gifts for your daughter - The local hotel idea is a great one, prenatal massage, pedicure, babysitting of the older kids so she can relax towards the end of her pregnancy.

My mom came and stayed for a month and it was a life saver. You've gotten great advice on how to help and make suggestions without taking over. Just make sure she *always* feels like the mom and you will be OK.

If you have strong feelings on an issue formula, cloth diapering, letting them cry/not cry, sleeping with babies, etc. - it might do you well to read up on it a little. We found many things have changed since my brother and I were little and my mom was good about listening when I would tell her "That's not what they tell you is best anymore" but I've heard some knock down drag outs on this site from those that have moms that don't listen.

The only thing I didn't see come up is don't ask for too many decisions in that first week or so. My brain was cloudy with pain meds and I seriously would cry rather than decide where to go to lunch (we were out since the boys were in the NICU) of course then mom and DH thought I was losing it. Instead of "What do you want for lunch?" which is a wide open question with lots of options and thinking maybe "Is lasagna OK for lunch?" would be better for example?

Also help her make a schedule that includes her medicine, baby's medicine, feedings, pumping, lunch, etc. It will save both of your sanity.

This book was awesome for not having to constantly discuss and try to remember who ate/pooped/peed when. It let us do "shift change" with little discussion. We used it for the first couple of months, but it was especially useful when mom or other help was staying with us.

 

Everyone has given you such great advice. I just wanted to agree with a prenatal massage for a gift now. Her body is so out of whack carrying 2 babies - she needs something to help alleviate the back pains, leg cramps, tired feet, etc.

You sound like such a wonderful supporting mom. If she doesn't remember to thank you for all the help you've given her, don't be upset. We're thanking you for her!

Enjoy your grandbabies!

 

QUOTE(elara @ Jan 26 2009, 12:02 PM) [snapback]1162431[/snapback]
Gifts for your daughter - The local hotel idea is a great one, prenatal massage, pedicure, babysitting of the older kids so she can relax towards the end of her pregnancy.

My mom came and stayed for a month and it was a life saver. You've gotten great advice on how to help and make suggestions without taking over. Just make sure she *always* feels like the mom and you will be OK.

If you have strong feelings on an issue formula, cloth diapering, letting them cry/not cry, sleeping with babies, etc. - it might do you well to read up on it a little. We found many things have changed since my brother and I were little and my mom was good about listening when I would tell her "That's not what they tell you is best anymore" but I've heard some knock down drag outs on this site from those that have moms that don't listen.

The only thing I didn't see come up is don't ask for too many decisions in that first week or so. My brain was cloudy with pain meds and I seriously would cry rather than decide where to go to lunch (we were out since the boys were in the NICU) of course then mom and DH thought I was losing it. Instead of "What do you want for lunch?" which is a wide open question with lots of options and thinking maybe "Is lasagna OK for lunch?" would be better for example?

Also help her make a schedule that includes her medicine, baby's medicine, feedings, pumping, lunch, etc. It will save both of your sanity.

This book was awesome for not having to constantly discuss and try to remember who ate/pooped/peed when. It let us do "shift change" with little discussion. We used it for the first couple of months, but it was especially useful when mom or other help was staying with us.


Dear Responders,
Thank You all for taking the time to give such thoughtfull advice to a nervous but excited out of my skin GM.
I will do my very best to follow your advice...don't be too concerned about me giving old advice as I have kept up with my reading on new childcare guidelines...just hope I'm not a budinski MIL to my SIL...because he can get on my last nerve.
You would be surprised how much I have learned from this website...for instance I think I better start getting in shape for all the housework and childplaying i'm going to be doing. I think all moms to be should write up a game plan monthes before the birth so that it can be tweeked as the time gets closer for the outside help to arrive...and of course it should be gone over in person or by phone with the helper beforehand...or just send them to this site...it is great info.
Now I gotta go shopping ...see ya

 

I just wanted to add - if your daughter will see a chiropractor - mine was WONDERFUL during my pregnancy and most do gift certificates.

 

:yahoo: for help! There are so many things to help with: feeding, holding/changing babies, doing chores (laundry, sweeping, vacumming, dishes, etc.), grocery shopping, preparing meals, bathtime. I'm sure anything and everything you do with be a huge help and support! This is truly a wonderful gift!

 

QUOTE(amsmom @ Jan 25 2009, 05:30 PM) [snapback]1161664[/snapback]
My DD has asked me to stay with her family (daughter 31,-son-in-law 31,GD-4 & GS-2,expected twins B/G) for the month of june when she will deliver by c-section. I am very excited and extremly nervouse about this visit. I seem to upset my daughter with my advice, she thinks im critisizing when im just trying to make her life easier. So I need advice on what she needs from me, and what I should not do. We have a loving relationship and I don't wont to blow it. Also what can I buy her now to prpare her for this awesome adventure. P.S. I am a 51 Year old twin to my sister/bestfiend Brenda and my mom always lets me know how hard it was on her, but I love a challenge.



The absolute best thing my mom did for me was let me sleep! She would watch the babies and given them both bottles so DH and I could sleep for a few hours, and it was SO nice. She also washed all the bottles, did their laundry, cooked for us, washed dishes, just kept me company, etc.

 

My mom and dad both came home with us when I had the twins. We divided the day up and untill my husband and i felt like we could handle things by our selves. But the shifts for the first couple of weeks were great and gave me relief and daddy. Most of all she was there for me. She also made most of the meals you dont have time to think at this point except when is the next bottle.

 

You have already gotten some AWESOME advice.

My mom came and stayed 3 weeks, which at first I thought was seriously going to be way too long. I love my mom to death, but we are far too much alike to be contained in 1 house 24/7 with sleep depravation. But when 2 1/2 weeks were up I was BEGGING her to stay longer. Like quit her job and move in longer...

Like others have mentioned she took over running the house - she grocery shopped (when DH was home) so we had both food and bonding time with just the 4 of us as a family and always had 2 sets of hands until we figured things out. She also cooked and made sure I ate all day every day. And before she left she stocked up the freezer with all kinds of meals I could just pop in the microwave or oven for a little while and presto - dinner. She also kept my water bottle full at all times which really helped me stay hydrated and take care of myself - something I wasn't making time for at all, but was super important for BF. She did laundry - ours and the babies constantly. She washed bottles. She cleaned the house, without re-organizing, and without asking me what needed to be done - she just did it. She also watched the babies while I slept once in a while though she absolutely respected my wishes on waking me up so I could BF them, or pump or do whatever I needed (vs. the I will just give them formula so you can rest - a big no-no in my opinion).

She constantly "reminded me" that I was doing a great job. She didn't offer unsolicitied advice unless it was life or death - Does he look yellow to you? It might be a good idea to call the doctor and have that checked out (jaundice). She was willing to offer a hand anytime we needed it with the babies, but for the most part she took her cues from us in terms of what we wanted help with and what we wanted to do on our own. That was really key for my husband who was a little afraid that with my mom here he that she would take over and he would be left out.

The twins are our first, but when we have more kids I am sure while my mom is here I will especially look for her to help with the older kids, and once in a while for her to take a shift with the baby (or babies) so I can have some time alone with the older kids as well.

As for pre-baby gifts - we took a short vacation before I was put on bedrest and it was a godsend. I still think back on how nice it was giving the ensuing chaos that was about to become our lives. I can only imagine with older kids how much harder it is to get some quality time together when you aren't completely exhausted.

Good luck! I hope she knows what a thoughtful mom she has...

 

There are so many amazing ideas already.

You are an amazing mother. I only wish my mother cared about me...and my babies...as much as you do about your daughter and impending grandchildren. She is VERY lucky to have you

 

Wow. All of these ideas are so great. My mom came to stay with us for 3 weeks and it was wonderful and often explosive. It sounds like you have a similar relationship with your daughter. I tend to get overly offended by the things that she says but I thought I might offer my perspective, for what it's worth.

My mom is my lightning rod. When I am anxious or stressed I take it out on her. I'm not proud of that (really not proud) but I've come to realize that I love my mom so much and I know that she loves me unconditionally and will support me no matter what, so she gets the brunt of it. I think when I overreact to the advice/criticism from her it's usually because I'm already insecure about whatever she is talking about. The funny thing is that we are so close, and her being there to support me after my twins were born has brought us even closer. We still fight, and probably always will, but at the end of the day, she's in my corner forever and there is NOTHING better than having that support.

And on a more practical note, support is the word of the day. The things that I appreciated were the things that made it easier for me to be with my babies. Bringing me lunch (sometimes feeding it to me while I was breastfeeding), doing my laundry, washing dishes and looking after the babies while I slept or even went to a movie (which she forced me to do, by the way, and I am SO glad she did) - these were the best gifts I could have hoped for. And she, being a mom, never needed to be asked and never complained, even while she got an earful from me. On the flip side, my MIL became a nuisance because she would come over all the time and want to look after the babies, which was really what I felt I should be doing. Washing out breast pump parts while someone else rocks your baby to sleep can be very upsetting.

Finally, I just want to say what a wonderful and thoughtful mom you are. I think I'll call mine and say the same thing.

 

I think everyone has given you some great advice.

My mum came for 2 weeks when the babies were 5 days old. She used to send me to bed, as I was a walking zombie, and dealt with the twins for a few hours. MIL came for 3 weeks after mum left and she insisted on doing the night shifts which was a blessing in disguise for me as I was not only exhausted and overwhelmed from the birth, etc, but my hormones were everywhere! The sleep helped me recover.

As others have said, letting her sleep, making her food and general help plus lots of hugs and kisses when she has her low moments. I cried on my mum´s shoulder everyday and she kept me afloat with her love and encouragement. I agree with others who have mentioned not telling her what to do - I didnt appreciate it much the few times it happened. When I snapped back an answer, I knew I shouldn´t have but mum realised it and bit her tongue. She was great.

I wish you and your family all the best and congrats on your grandchildren. Having B/G twins is so much fun!

 

I think it is great you are willing to go help your daughter out. If you giving advice to your daughter upsets her, then don't give her advice (she probably doesn't need it anyways if she already has 2 older kids). Go help your daughter by running the house so that she can be with her babies. Clean for her, cook for her, do laundry for her, do shopping for her, and play with and entertain her older kids for her. If she asks you to help with one of the babies, then by all means do it, but for the most part let her bond with her new babies, and you do everything else. Perhaps offer to watch the babies once a day so she can shower, etc.

What a great mom and grandma you are!