How am I going to do this?

I feel so horrible. I feel like Im failing these two beautiful gifts.

My hubby went back to work 2 days after the twins were born. He works in the logging industry which, around here, is struggling. So we decided that whatever work he can get, hes gotta take. The problem is, he works 10-12 hr days, and is gone from about 430 am till around 6 pm. This leaves me at home with the LO's, with occasional help. I have found that people are quick to offer help and come over, but are twice as quick to hand the babies to me when they start crying. I am trying my best to exclusively breastfeed, but this past week has been hell. DH sleeps on the couch because he needs the little precious sleep he can get, working with heavy equipment. The earliest I can get people over to help is around 9am. So in the night, I am leftt to my own devices

My DD is such a sleeper, and will bsoothe herself back to sleep if she wakes, and likes to eat ever 2-3 hrs during the day and 3-4 at night. DS, however, is a different story. He is unsettled 99% of the time. He wants to be at the breast 24/7, whether nursing or not. he falls asleep and then wakes up shrieking if i try to put him down, and it then takes another half hour to try to settle him again. Im so exhausted, both mentallyand physically, and am considering quitting breast feeding. Its really hard for me to deal with because I nursed my first DS for 14.5 months, exclusively, never touched a bottle. He passed away suddenly last October, and I am still struggling to deal. I just don't want to miss out on that wonderful bonding time with these two, but I feel like I'm done.

 

definitely check out the breastfeeding forum for support. when i struggled with the decision to continue or quit they were really helpful.

i may be biased because i eventually did decide to give up breastfeeding, but you have to forgive yourself for being in extraordinary circumstances. this would be difficult if you had just one, let alone two. you have to decide what's right for you but if in the long run transitioning from breastmilk to formula gives you an ounce of sanity back, then maybe it's the right decision. it's very un-PC for me to say that, of course, because la leche league and the like have put so much effort into convincing women that they're failures as mothers if they can't breastfeed, but it's absolutely not true. yes, breastmilk is the absolute best food for your babies. and yes, formula is really damn good food, too. it's not like breastmilk = good and formula = bad. you have to do what's right for your family, and your babies will grow up to be healthy, smart, wonderful people regardless of which path you choose.

this is where the breastfeeding forum could help. for example, could you breastfeed on every other meal and bottle feed in between? yes it would affect your supply but they would be getting some breastmilk for a while until you can figure out how long you can sustain the practice.

oh, one last thing. as anyone who was unable to breastfeed can tell you, a nipple alone doesn't create a bond. i always think it's a shame when BF mamas make comments about bonding when those of us who tried and couldn't do it feel so wonderfully bonded with our children. don't believe the hype, your babies love more than your boobs. i can attest to that, i was unable to successfully breastfeed and the incredible bond between myself and my boys is just as intense and unbreakable as if we'd taken the other path.

be gentle with yourself. you're not failing them, you're doing the best you can in a very hard situation. you're also in the thick of it for lack of sleep and frequency of feedings. it will get better, sooner than you realize. in the meantime if you can find some changes in your life that can help ease your load, that might just make you a better mom in the long run. formula in a bottle from a happy mama is better than breastmilk from a stressed out, depressed mama.

 

First of all, let me say that I am so sorry that you had to experience the loss of you son. I can't even imagine dealing with that grief along with now the stresses of being a mommy to twins. I can promise you that is does get easier. I understand your frustration with breastfeeding. I pumped for the first 4 weeks of my babies lives because they were in the NICU so I got used to pumping. Then, I got into a semi-groove of actually breastfeeding. After my husband got bit by a rattlesnake and was in the hospital for about a week, I gave up breastfeeding and just resorted to pumping full time and giving them my milk in a bottle. I had a long emotional and hormonal (didn't know I was about to get my first period) battle over what to do and decided that since we couldn't afford formula, I was just going to tough it out and pump exclusively. It is what works for our family and after almost 9 months, I am looking forward to stopping in July. I am proud of myself for sticking it out though. If it works for your family, I would recommend looking into Babywise. All of my friends that use that book as a guideline have loved it and it helps us keep our sanity. Give yourself a lot of credit because the first couple of months with twins is HARD. You are doing great! Give your son the attention he needs, but don't be afraid to let him cry a little, too. He'll survive. Hope that things get better. I'll pray for you today!

 

I just want to say that I have no idea what you are going through, but :hug:

I wasn't able to breast feed, so I don't know about that either, but the swing & a bouncer with the vibration feature worked, too. And there were many nights when both were sleeping on my chest.

We get through it, though!!!!

 

:hug: First breathe. Being home alone with 3 week old twins is hard. You are in a very difficult time when it comes to breastfeeding too! Were they full term? Are they latching/eating good? My twins nursed every 1.5-2 hours and were horrible sleepers... both of them. I'm glad that you have one who sleeps well. How is the weight gain? Perhaps your ds has a bad latch or doesn't nurse the best, hence not being settled. Have you had anyone watch or weigh him before and after a feeding? That might help. Do you have a neighbor or family nearby who could come over OVERNIGHT and give you a break? It is amazing how you feel after a good night sleep. Yes, cat naps during the day are good, but to be able to sleep with few interruptions at night is heavenly.
Some women choose to do a mixture of formula and breastmilk. Have you considered this? It gives them the benefits of breastmilk and someone else can feed them. You've nursed before so you know that the first month is a challenge. With twins that month may extend a bit. When they get the hang of it, just lifting your shirt is sooo much easier!
I am sorry about your son. :hug:

 

:hug: lil sis - I know exactly how you feel as I went through the same thing for the first 3 weeks. I also stopped BF as I just couldnt cope & it hurt. I would check out the BF forum as there´ll be lots of great advice there.

I was lucky as MIL came and stayed with us for 3 weeks and made me go to bed at nights and she did the night shift. I loved her for that. Do you have family nearby who could maybe come and stay for a little bit? I also went and stayed with my ILs for 7 weeks as DH was working and I didnt want to be alone. Would this be an option?

You can do this, I know you can. It is soooo hard for the first few weeks/months especially when you are sleep deprived. My DD and DS were just like yours then changed around! Please hang in there, tis rough phase will pass. In the meantime come on here and post, post, post. PM me whenever you need to, I´ll do my best to help

 

Can you co-sleep with your son so you can nurse without much fuss during the night? Would that increase your total amount of sleep time?

I feel for you, I really do. I gave up on breastfeeding at the 1-month mark because I was struggling so badly. To be honest, I had/have a lot of regrets about that. But ultimately my boys are incredibly healthy so I've had to let go of the disappointment about not being successful.

We have a great connection and I don't feel that NOT breast feeding created any strain on our "bond".

Being alone with newborn twins is really, really hard - it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Do you have a relative who can sleep over a couple of nights a week?

 

First, I am so sorry about Mason. I can't imagine your grief. :cry: :grouphug:

Second, I totally agree with piccologirl:

QUOTE
in the meantime if you can find some changes in your life that can help ease your load, that might just make you a better mom in the long run. formula in a bottle from a happy mama is better than breastmilk from a stressed out, depressed mama.


Having twins is hard. I chose to formula feed after the first week because bfing was causing so much stress for me and my family. I had so much guilt over quitting, but it really was the best decision for all of us.

:hug:

 

I totally agree with piccologirl too! I made it to nearly 6 wks nursing, but I had a lot of very stressful days/nights where I just didn't think I could do it. In the end, formula is much less stressful for me. I found/find that I am enjoying my babes much more now that I'm not stressing about them getting enough milk from me. I did try half formula/half breast but they both developed nipple preference and refused to nurse.

I'm so sorry about your first son. I can't imagine the grief you are going thru! How about when people come over, instead of playing with babes, put them to work. Ask them to throw a load of dishes in the dishwasher. Change the laundry around. Maybe even wash your kitchen floor for you. Just having that small bit of help may take a bit of stress off of you.

And hang in there momma. The first 6 wks are hell. The first 6 months are hard. And after that everything seems to fall into place and you will realize you have survived the "new twin mommy hell". :hug:

 

God Bless you for all you are going through.

My twins are 12 weeks old today, and some days are really rough! I wake up in the morning and tell myself, well, I did it yesterday, and I can do it today! You may think you can't do it - but YOU ARE DOING IT!

I, too, have been struggling with bfing...I have wanted to stop since the babes were 3 weeks old...I keep telling myself one more week....wait until 3 months....and yes, I have guilt too.

My SIL was here yesterday and knows a chemist who works for Similac - he said, yes, breastmilk may be the best, but formula is very close to breastmilk....they work really hard to make it very similar. If it will help you, switch over...my doctor told me that happy mommies help to make happy babies....

I feel like I can bond with my babes when I change their diapers, when one wakes and the other is sleeping, when I give one a bath...etc.

I had someone come over who was from a big family and sit with me one afternoon - it was so nice for her to snuggle with one baby and just sit and talk with me. Is there anyone like that near you?

I will pray for you too!

Jennifer

 

I am so sorry for your loss.

It is so hard in the beginning. My girls are 3,5 months and it is getting easier. I have not had any help at all (my husband also has a dangerous job so he needs to sleep at night) so after a month, I put both babies in bed with me and I only BF at night. I have everything I need in bed so I don't have to get up. During the day, I BF and give formula. I could not imagine only BF'ing (I did with my first son) and I don't feel bad giving them formula.

I promise it will get easier very soon. Time goes fast even though it doesn't seem like it when they are only a few weeks. For me, it got much better once they started smiling, cooing and wanting eye contact. They will melt your heart.

Hang in there!

 

I think that everything everyone has said is wonderful!

I would like to add... that it really seems like its a sleep problem... and maybe swaddling would help. it seems that if ds would sleep longer then you'd be able to get some sleep yourself and you'd be ok w/bf'ing. I do agree that a happy momma is the best... and I'm not nec. pushing bf'ing over formula, but you sound like you really want to bf.

With swaddling - around 4-5 weeks (since we'd quit for a few weeks before this)... both babies started sleeping through a 2am feeding... and by 8 weeks we were getting approx 8 hrs of sleep from them at a time. I might have gone overboard, but we swaddled until after 6 months... for us it worked. seemed to be the magic bullet. I did anything and everything to keep their ARMS in. as long as their arms were in they slept a lot. If they wriggled their arms out they'd wake up early.

my husband travels for work... and weeks 3, 4 & 5 of the babies lives he was out of town during the work week... it was just me at night. (these were the weeks we quit swaddling, why?!) it was horrible... in fact, I remember one night we are all crying and I called my dh at like 3 or 4am and just let him listen to the crying... he was really sweet... but its not like he could help me... the last Friday he was gone I'd gone to a local lactation support group and at the end of the luncheon one of the leader ladies helped me swaddle the babies and they settled right down. that night we started swaddling again...

anyway, that's my story, hope any part of it might help you. you're doing a great job. I cannot imagine the emotions you are going through with the loss of your first son.

 

QUOTE(becky5 @ May 28 2009, 01:12 PM) [snapback]1331414[/snapback]
First, I am so sorry about Mason. I can't imagine your grief. :cry: :grouphug:

Second, I totally agree with piccologirl:
Having twins is hard.

:hug:


Ditto. And hang in there; I know it's a cliche, but it DOES get easier! You're in the thick of it right now. Do what you need to do with BFing, and definitely check out the BFing forum for support and tips. BFing twins is HARD! I agree with trying swaddling and anything else to help get your DS to sleep better.

 

First of all, I want to say that you're going to do it - and I bet you're doing better than you think you are! Sleep deprivation always makes things look worse than they are.

A few tips that were helpful for me (I also didn't have help when mine were tiny)
1) Put them on the same schedule ASAP. When your DD eats, feed your DS. When one naps, put the other down. It may take a few weeks for them to be in sync, but that is priority one, in my experience.

2) Pick up a copy of Babywise and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child from your library. These books helped me understand how to get a newborn on a schedule, why it was important, and what to expect. Both of my babies were sleeping in 8 hour stretches at night by 8 weeks. It works!

3) For your DS, make sure that you are getting him to take a full feeding at each mealtime. He may be snacking, and so never getting rich hindmilk, just the sweeter, less calorie, foremilk. Plus, if you know he has a full tummy, you can better assess why he's crying: a bubble stuck in his tummy? needs a diaper change? needs to be held? If he's full and comfy, he'll sleep better. Swaddling is great, as well - it worked with my reflux, more fussy baby.

And finally, in regards to breastfeeding: give it your best shot. But, if you can't do it or if it is just too stressful QUIT! That's the decision I came to. I had one baby in the NICU, one at home, commuting to the hospital, etc etc, and I just never had my milk come in like it should, and I couldn't make the time to pump. I was really stressed about it, and felt like a failure. But then, I realized that I couldn't do it all... and I'd rather feed my babies formula without the stress in my life, than breastfeed and be miserable. And the bonding will happen if you formula feed, don't worry. Maybe not in the same way as in breastfeeding, but it will happen.

Having newborn twins is hard work! You are doing great, keep it up. And, if you can, take it easy on yourself! (I know, cliche. But really, it helps!) And congratulations on your babies! It gets better, so much better, in the near future. Just try to make it through each day and things will fall into place.

 

I'm sorry to know that you're going through all these :hug: but hang in there! You're already doing a good job and you'll get the hang of things once they more or less falls into a routine. I didn't bf exclusively either cos I didn't have enough to begin with, and I was recovering slow from a c-sec wound. Decide what's best for yourself and the babies. Although bf is recommended, but formula milk is there for a reason - to help us!

Lastly, I'm sorry about your loss.

 

You are a great mom.
:hug:

Now, say that 10 times to yourself.


Definitely consider giving 1-2 bottles formula a day and BF the rest of the time. OR Have you tried feeding DS pumped milk? Then you'll definitely know if he's eating enough.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your son. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to try to balance dealing with this loss and trying to deal with taking care of your twins.

I think many twin Moms struggle with breastfeeding; however, formula feeding can be just as stressful as you can see from many of the posts in our first year forum. The added costs and the other feedings issues often are not solved by formula feeding, so while it may look like an attractive option I don't think it will be a panacea. We have a wonderful forum on this site that can give you some ideas about breastfeeding twins no matter what your decision. I know from my own experience that breastfeeding became much easier as time went by. I'd say weeks 3-6 were the toughest. I know I hated my boys getting formula, but I also have to say that I probably wouldn't have been able to continue breastfeeding if I hadn't added some supplementing. Remember breastfeeding twins is just not the same as a singleton--we're talking twice as much work.

I agree with other posters that swaddling may help your son.

Above all else, the ladies in this forum are here to support you no matter what you decided to do. I also hope you can find the time to talk with a friend, counselor, clergyman, or family member about the loss of your son. I know I was completley overwhelmed taking care of my boys for the first few months, and I cannot begin to imagine the added stress of grieving the loss of a loved one. :hug:

You're doing a good job, and you're not failing you kiddies.

 

Thank you everyone for your wonderful advice and support. I wrote this topic in a cloud, and I just wanted to smooth out some rough spots. I started out about my thoughts of "failing" my babes. By this, I wasn't referring to only the BF issue, but also to the fact that I was so stressed out and having an emotional moment. I hope I didnt offend anyone, as I do not have a problem with FF, its just that I was wrapping up the EBF with bonding with my DS(Mason). I think that I might be grasping at the BF as a way to have that bond back. I am still struggling to deal with my sons passing, and at the same time, struggling to be a fair and equal mom to the new babes. We are doing better today though. My poor DS(Benny) is having a hell of a time with gas pains, and I think that the formula is adding to it. He had a 4 hour crying spell today, until i finally took him into the bath with me and he let loose his bowels. I think the relaxation really helped! He's been sleeping for 3 hours now, and its the most peaceful sleep I have seen him have since he was brand new. I think we may have found the trick. I hope it will work next time!!

ANyhow, THank you again

and please be assured, that I in no way meant to belittle the bonding that occurs between mom and babe whether BF or FF. It's just my grief coming out in the wrong words.

 

You don't have to apologize to anyone, especially for your desire to feed and care for your babies the way you desire.

 

QUOTE(AngelMasonsMomma @ May 29 2009, 10:24 PM) [snapback]1333658[/snapback]
and please be assured, that I in no way meant to belittle the bonding that occurs between mom and babe whether BF or FF. It's just my grief coming out in the wrong words.


I dont think anyone took it that way. :hug: Do the best you can with what you have! If you have to give a bottle or two to get some rest or some help, then so be it.

:grouphug: for the passing of your son. You are an incredibly strong woman and wonderful mother!!

 

Have you tried mylicon (sp?) gas drops? They were a life saver in the beginning. For me, the hardest thing about having twins was the emotional pull between the two babies. Even if I was enjoying a nice moment with one of them, I felt guilty that I was "neglecting" the other one. It was so different with them than when DD1 was a newborn, that I felt I would never have that special bond with them that I had with her. Around six weeks things started getting a lot better, and it's been getting better ever since.

 

QUOTE(azucena @ May 30 2009, 10:35 PM) [snapback]1334551[/snapback]
Have you tried mylicon (sp?) gas drops? They were a life saver in the beginning. For me, the hardest thing about having twins was the emotional pull between the two babies. Even if I was enjoying a nice moment with one of them, I felt guilty that I was "neglecting" the other one. It was so different with them than when DD1 was a newborn, that I felt I would never have that special bond with them that I had with her. Around six weeks things started getting a lot better, and it's been getting better ever since.


Ditto all of the above (except the twins are my first). :hugs: and I agree that i don't think anyone took your comments about BF vs FF the wrong way. Hope things start to get easier for you!

 

I am sorry for your loss.

I feel that twins is always a different story than a singleton. Whatever works for the babies and you is what we do to make it through the first year. I too breastfed my singletons - they are now 7 and 5. However, at 2 weeks old, I sat crying on the couch because I was alone with all four kids and I still had not filled my older kids sippies - they were 5 and 3 at the time - due to nursing the babies. Someone was at the breast constantly. Finally, my DH said you need to do whatever it takes to survive and make the entire family happy. Yet, with the first two, he was adamant that they needed to be breastfed. So, it is a completely different story when you have two versus one. You will have to do what is right for you and for your family.

My babies are now turning two in June. The first year is hard but you will get through it. I learned to accept help and that was very hard to do. Also, I learned how to be more exact in my working when accepting help. You need to tell them what will help you.

You and your family will be in my prayers. I know that you can do it and you will do great!!! Just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

Take care!

 

The newborn stage is so hard, you have to do whatever you have to do to get through it. Don't beat yourself up!! You are dealing with a lot, with two new babies, the loss of your son and having your DH gone. Try not to put extra pressure on yourself as far as feeling that you aren't giving them the time that they need. They are getting what they need from you!!! And they are too young to keep score or have any idea how much time the other is getting. Be kind to yourself!! :hug: :hug: to you!!

We used miracle blankets with out twins, I truly believe they were responsible for many, many hours of sleep!! So - another vote for swaddling here! I also exclusively BF my first and my goal was to do the same with the twins. They ended up getting supplemented more with formula than I liked, but it worked for us and I felt that was what I needed to do. I do agree with the pp that FF is not easy either - I hated washing all those bottles!! I would try giving him a bottle and swaddling at bedtime and hopefully you can get more sleep!! Or you can give your helpers a bottle for each, put in some earplugs and pull the covers over your head. Maybe you could have your helpers pop them in the stroller and take them for a walk so you can have truly babyfree time. Everything is harder when you are sleep deprived so figure out how to get a solid block of sleep for yourself - however you can work it out.

 

Hugs to you my dear! You are doing wonderfully even though you don't know it yet! I struggled so much when I stopped BF at 8 weeks. I was like a walking zombie and add to that I got mastitis twice (OUCH!). I don't even know how I got through the first 3 months. It was HARD and I had more help than you do. So do not beat yourself up...you are a great mother! One thing that helped me is when my doctor told me that for every month the babies had breast milk I had given them the gift of 3 months of immunity. That made me feel so much better for some reason. She also told me that a happy mama made for happy babies no matter if they had breast milk or formula. She was right. My OB always said, "Hey I was formula fed and look how good I am!" :lol: That made me laugh. Find time to laugh and know that it isn't the end of the world if you decide to stop breast feeding. You will not lose bonding with them...right now you have to make things easier for you in order to take care of them. Hugs to you!

 

QUOTE(sullivanre @ May 29 2009, 11:27 PM) [snapback]1333762[/snapback]
You don't have to apologize to anyone, especially for your desire to feed and care for your babies the way you desire.

exactly. i was attempting (maybe poorly) to offer you the reassurance that you can build that bond no matter what your choice is. it's all about what you choose to do that makes you able to best mother your children.

i didn't for one second think you were belittling FF moms.

 

Oh one thing I wanted to add to this...please do not think your breast milk or formula is strictly making your babies fussy. I was reading in
Healthy sleep habits happy child (book) that it is very common for a mother to think that what she is feeding her baby is making him/her fussy.
But this is simply a phase they go through. If you are doing well BF then keep at it! If you need a break from BF and need to supplement then
do it! I think that so many mothers of twins have had the exact same feelings you have. You are not alone!