Hitting/shoving for Attention (or just for fun)

Hi,

My almost 3 year-old DS has been hitting or shoving his twin sister, me, his teacher, other moms, and other kids almost constantly for a few weeks now. Sometimes he does it when he is mad or when he wants something and those instances are easier to deal with, prevent or contain. But what is really difficult is that he seems to do it out of the blue, for attention or just for kicks, to get a reaction...and sometimes he even laughs. He woke my DD up from a nap today by smacking her in the face. I don't know what to do at this point, and neither does his teacher (which bothers me even more). I can tell you what hasn't worked, I'm hoping someone has ideas for what will:

Here is what has NOT helped:
Time out (mostly bc i have not yet perfected time out with my twins. they interact too much no matter what i do, and it becomes a madhouse in which i have no control or else i become violent, holding the offender down for the whole 2-3 minutes)
Reading "hands are not for hitting" over and over and over
Ignoring him and paying attention to the "victim"
Yelling at him (obviously)
Talking to him about how hitting hurts and how he can't play around others if he can't play nicely
Giving him extra attention, hugs, sensory-type stuff, when he does it

Also - Can you PLEASE tell me how to make time outs less of a power struggle? Because here is what typically happens: DS hits. I walk him over to the bottom step and tell him he is in time out for 3 minutes. I set the timer. I walk away, he gets up. I put him back and stand there. DD comes, hangs on me talking about DS or to DS. Or she sits on the stairs with him. Or they both start climbing up and down the stairs. I have put him in their room one time but he destroyed the room completely. Also to have to carry a 38 pound kid up the stairs every 20 minutes for time out (because that is how often he hits his sister) is exhausting and not always possible. I stopped doing them bc I took a parenting class and was told that they don't really work and that the consequence should be tied to the "crime." However I think that in this case, not being able to play around the kids you are hitting/shoving is very much tied to the infraction. And I have to got to stop his hitting and shoving. Advice please!

We are starting camp in a few weeks and I'm terrified about how a bunch of teenage counselors are going to deal with this situation (or not). It is mostly directed at my DD and she sometimes bites him HARD in response. Also I have heard other little kids say about him "Jonah hits all the time" I don't want him to become alienated or have a preschool reputation as a violent kid who no one wants to be around!

Thanks!
Melissa

 

How is his speech? Jonathan used to hit and bite and kick. It turned out he had/has a SEVERE expressive language delay. The result was that he qualified for special needs preschool, and was able to go 5 days a week. The consistency of that class really helped him--also the speech therapy that helped with his language problems--he could talk, but he couldn't always express what he wanted or how he was feeling. 2 months into the program, he was a different kid!

Good luck!

 

It sounds like you are doing well pre-empting the hitting you can predict. I know it probably feels like ages to you but a few weeks is not that long (and he is only two) so I would definitely keep up with your tactics (except not the shouting ) for a while longer before deciding they don't work. Time outs, talking with him, paying extra attention to the 'victim', reading books about it and so on are all good ideas. Having his speech assessed just in case can't hurt either.

As far as the time outs go, you should not stand there. If you stand there he is getting your time/attention, plus when you add in your daughter then following you out and talking or playing with him it is really not a time out at all. When he gets up you need to put him back, without talking to him, and walk away again; repeat as needed. However many times he gets up you put him back and walk away, and each time you start his minutes over again. It's a pain (and time consuming) to start with but once he knows you really mean business he will sit from the first time.
Whenever one of mine would go to talk to a sibling in time out I'd just ask them to please come away, so-and-so can't play now because they are doing time out.

I hope he gets out of this phase soon for you!