helping my 4 yo adjust to her new baby brothers

Does anyone have any tips on how to help my 4 year old dd adjust? Our twins are 13 days old, Gramma has been here for about a week, and Marcella, our dd, is feeling way neglected by me. She says I just want to take care of the boys and talk to adults (her Gramma). Since she said that, I've been trying to carve out time for just us, but she still cries and says "I want you." all the time, even when she's lying in bed next to me and has my undivided attention.

I'm sure you've all been through this if you have more than the twins, so any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!

 

:hug99: I don't have any advice in that I'm not in your shoes yet. But, my SIL just had her 2nd girl and her oldest girl after less than a week after the sister arrived said to her: "Mom, am I going to live with Nana from now on?" That got their attention! I would just continue to consistantly spend time with her. :hug99:

 

I am going through this SAME PROBLEM! My DD is 3 1/2 and my twins are 7 mo...but even with all the time I spend with her she still cries for attention. I try to give her individual attention, my DH takes her to the park for Daddy/ Daughter time and we tell her how special she is because she is first born... sometimes it makes her smile, but usually she is doing whatever it takes to get constant attention. Funny thing is, I was taking her to a "bedtime story" at my school the other night, and she cried because she couldnt stay home with her grandma and sisters! I think it is definately a jealousy thing and you have to do all the things you can to make each child feel special. Other than that, the singleton will have to work through her feelings. Boy is it difficult though!! :hug99:

 

Like the PP said, maybe have her help you with some things to make her feel important. That might work more with a girl. My DS on the other hand didn't really want to help. But I made sure I spent some quality time with just him. I would take him to a movie, or my DH and I would take him out to eat and leave the twins with grandma. We would always tell him how he was the Big Brother and he was going to teach them everything he knows. He didn't really have much to do with them until recently. Now he plays with them alot. Before he would act like he didn't like them, but boy did he watch out for them. If they put something in their mouths that we didn't see, he was right there getting it out. He is very protective of them, and always has been. They may act like they don't really like them, but deep down they really do! Maybe you could take her to have her fingernails done, or you do them for her. Just little things that make her feel special.

 

I agree let her help do things. The boys love helping me. They bring burp rags, paci's and they love putting her empty bottles in the sink.

 

Best advice I have, try and spend quality time w/your daughter when you can, try and have her help and praise her a lot, tell her how she's such a wonderful big sister, try and keep her busy w/crafts or coloring and activity books. I used to sometimes take the kids to the park and I would sit on a bench and feed the baby so that they could have outside time, I know it's a little different since yours is a singleton and you have baby twins, but she might just like walking around the mall w/the babies in a stroller.??? My 4 yrs old dd has adjusted very well and loves to help w/her baby brother and plays with him all of the time, my ds still has not adjusted to the baby yet, but it's to the point now where he is just going to have to deal w/the jealousy issues and decide that the baby is a part of our family and isn't going anywhere.

Good luck, I'm sure she will adjust to the new babies.

 

What I would do is to sit down and have a heart to heart with just her. You need to talk about a few things... Let her know you love her...she will always be your baby, your princess...you will try to make time to spend with "just" her..special time... But you also need to clearly let her know that you are all a FAMILY...and that as a family everyone has to share mommy and daddy. That her brothers need you just as much as she does...that right now when they are so little they will need a lot of your time, but as they get older it won't be so bad anymore. Let her know that part of being a family is helping out. That she can either help you out by actually participating in baby chores, supervised of course, or she can help you out by being a big girl and finding activities to do on her own. You need to have toys and activities that are easy for her to reach and to do on her own. Maybe you can pick up some special activity things for her to do just while you are feeding the babies?.... It will get better as your boys demand less time. But honestly, part of the problem is that kids do need to learn to adjust. You might feel badly for your dd, but she will bounce back better if you set the tone that everyone has to make some sacrifices, not just mommy and daddy...you obviously can't just stop caring for your twins whenever your dd wants you. And nor should you feel guilty all the time about it. That's part of the deal involved when your family expands. In the long run, your dd will be better off for the character she will develop understanding that the family does not revolve around her....nor does the family revolve around the babies. She'll feel secure in your love so long as you take the time to talk with her and to emphasize when you ARE able to spend time with her. Sometimes I think as parents we feel so guilty for rocking our little one's world that we blame ourselves and feel terrible instead of realizing that part of the issue does lie with the child...that they too need to learn to make "sacrifices" for the family...and really, it's not much of a sacrifice to "have" to play with your toys by yourself for 20-30 minutes while mommy is feeding the babies!!

 

Just to add what PP have said there are several books about new baby/being a big sister/brother out there that are great for opening up communication with the child too. We have this one that someone bought for DD and she still wants to read it.

This book is actually being sold at Kohl's as part of its children's charity and has matching stuffed toys. I think it would be great for any family with more than one child.

I am sure your DD will be more like her old self soon, it just takes time to adjust.

Alyson

 

I don't have any personal experience with this yet. But I have a friend whose 3 year old son just loved his baby brother from the very beginning and didn't have any jeolousy issues. When I asked her how she managed to do it, she told me about two things she did. 1. She asked all the visitors to say hello to the older child first when they came to see the baby. They had to ask the older child permission to see his little brother before they could go see the baby. This made him feel like the baby was HIS baby. 2. She never said, "Mommy can't do XYZ because she has to feed the baby/change the baby/hold the baby, etc." When she couldn't do something with the older child, she always phrased it like "Mommy is very busy right now, so you'll have to wait." So the blame was always put on herself instead of the baby.

It must be so hard for your older child having two babies to contend with. Hang in there! I'll be dealing with the same thing in a few months.

 

Our son was 4 when the twins were born. My mom would come over each evening, and either DH or I would take time to be just with him, whether we took him somewhere or just played in the backyard. Also, since it was nearly summer, we enlsited family and friends to keep him busy with activities like vacation bible school, day camp, etc. We were lucky in that he fell in love with his brothers immediately, and he was always eager to help with them.