Help

Hi Everyone,
First I was wondering if anyone could tell me how to get back into the single parent's group, I used to be in it before the site changed and now I can't get in.

Now here is my vent and it's will be long so I understand if I don't get any responses. On Saturday night Joe went out and I called him on the cell phone and it took him two hours to call me back. When he did call me back I told him about us going to my Dad's for a get together the next day and he wigged out on me. Well needless to say I hung up and went to bed at 10:50pm, well at 1am he came home and woke me up and started fighting with me and all I wanted to do was sleep considering I only had 4 hours of sleep the night before. Well things started to get pretty heated and he wouldn't shut his mouth so I said I'm really suprised someone hasn't killed you and he said that sometimes he wished he was dead and I said I do to. Well about two minutes later I apologized and told him that I didn't mean it and no one deserves to hear that. So on Monday he left me because he said he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore because I hurt him. Well let me tell you some of the things he has done to me during these two years and I always stayed - I can't figure out if I was that much in love or just stupid. He has spit in my face, dumped a whole can of pop over my head, pushed me down, dragged me back into a car by my hair, cheated on me twice, called me names, and degraded me every chance he could get and that's only the things I can think of right now. The problem is he has never apologized to me for any of the things he's done and I've never left him. He can just pack his stuff up and move home with his parents and think nothing of it. Whenever we get into a fight it's always me that trys to save the relationship - He never runs back to me and trys and make things right. While I was pregnant (7 months) he treated me worse than he treated his dog. He made that 7 months the worst of my life and a year later he did finally apologize to me but by than it was to late the hurt was already there. But the difference between us is I stayed in the relationship I didn't run. I can see where I hurt him - I know I was wrong. But in my eyes I thought that he should have stayed in the relationship and was just angry with me and maybe sit down and talk about it. When we get into fights - he's the one that always keeps on - it could be two hours later and he's still coming at me, which in return makes me snap. I lose it - and yell at him and call him names because it is the most annoying thing, but if you keep on to him about something he did he'll tell you to drop it. I understand that the break up is for the better but it still hurts on how he has no emotions about leaving. I guess this is Karma coming back on me from when I was younger and I used to treat my boyfriends bad. I just feel so lost without him but deep down I know it for the best. I'm sorry I bothered you guys with my babbiling, I just needed to get some advise from friends that aren't parshall to just me. Thanks!! Another thing was that I sometimes took my bad days out on him - but believe me he didn't make them any better. I would come home from a bad day at work and he would just make my day at home bad too. He'd tell me I don't do anything around the house, the clothes were never put away, I should do more laundry and that the dishes never were done. He claims to this day that he never took any of his bad days out on me - I'm sorry but everybody takes their bad days out on the one they are around most of the time. He works for the auto industry and they are really slow, I mean he only got a check this week for $150 - Let me tell you if I worked 60 hours (he's commission) and only got a $150 check I'd be taking my bad day out on everyone.

 

I don't really have any advice but wanted to let you know you don't need to apologize. This is a good place to babble and I'm sure you will get some great advice. Keep your chin up.

 

I don't really have any advice either, but from what you described I think you are better off. That sounded like a toxic relationship and for the kids it is probably better you two aren't together anymore. They need to know that you don't treat people like that. This is a great place to get things out so don't feel like you need to appologize for it. That's what it is here for.

If you want the password for the singles forum you can contact the two moderaters of it or contact Craig or Mark.

 

First a :hug99: . I have to agree with Becky. From what you described he is not a nice man and it sounds like he will hurt you very seriously someday. I think you might be better off and much safer without him. I was never in a relationship that bad, but I can tell you that people don't usually change. If he is treating you like that he will probably never stop.

 

I think you know this is for the best. It may be really hard because I can tell you love him, but you have to be strong and realize you deserve better than to be spit on. It is probably better to let him go. From what you have described, it seems to me that he has no respect for you. If he did, he wouldn't do any of those things to you and he would treat you like a wife should be treated. We all say things out of anger that we don't mean at one time or another and he has to realize that. Let him walk away, let him go. Just because he's pretending there is no emotion and doesn't care, does not mean he's not dying inside or even a little apologetic. Some men have a hard time showing emotion, their wired different. And some people have a hard time apologizing and admitting their wrong. They feel it's easier to play the victim. Which in this case, that's what he's doing. He is probably too proud to admit he was wrong.
I think divorce should be a last resort, but sometimes inevitable. Do you want your children being raised where they see him verbally put you down, pour coke on your head, spit on you? THat's quite a bit to subject kids to....and can really screw with kids heads. If he doens't respect you, then they'll learn not to.
Maybe during this seperation, you both can try counseling. If he won't go with you, then maybe you can go on your own and talk through the situation. Maybe you just need some validation. In any case, you deserve not to be spit on or cheated on. The fact that he has done it twice, throws up a red flag to me. And that's twice that you know about..... You are better than the names he's called you and getting woke up at 1 am for a fight. Pretend you have no emotion and could care less and I bet his attitude changes. Why do you always try to save it? There has to be effort on both sides or you will spend your entire life giving all the effort to mend the relationship while he goes and does whatever he wants.

 

cajuntwinmom,

I want to thank you so much for you advise and I do know this is for the best but it just hurts. We were never married so at least we don't have to go through the divorce process. I just feel lost because in these past two years I've lost my friends, they're still there for me now but not like we used to be, my family hardly never wanted to be around because of him. It was funny he started a fight on Saturday morning and my 13 year old niece was there and he just wouldn't leave it alone. He kept on and on and on. Later that night Liv (my niece) was talking to my Mom and said that she couldn't believe how he just keeps coming at me and doesn't shut up. So if a 13 year old can see it why can't a 26 year old. I couldn't tell you why I always tried saving the relationship - his parents and I don't like eachother because everytime we get into a fight he runs home. So they think I'm the bad person, when it's really their son that is crazy. If we're talking he'll sit there and turn it around and tell me I never said that or I said something different. Like the other day I asked him how he can just walk away - through all of the bad he ever did and how he treated me like @#*& I always stayed. And today he said that I asked him to stay in the relationship and continue to treat me like ****. I never said that and I'll swear on anything. I understand I get mad but that's only after I'm provoked - but I really think he's Bi-Polar and that's not me saying that for a joke, I strongly believe he is. I just want one time for him to be as hurt as I am - I guess that's what my wish is. Thanks for listening.

 

I'm sorry you are being subjected to such a situation. I know from my own experience, as well as others, that just because you keep on going back, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Sometimes the right thing to do is to let go. You and him will NEVER be able to have a healthy relationship. Not ever. And by letting go and letting him move on, you are doing the right thing for your children. It is very very torturous for children to grow up with fighting parents. Especially with the stuff he does to you. It's traumatizing. He seems like an abusive lover, who knows that no matter what he'll do, you will keep coming back to him. And you have to show him that the time came for you to move on to bigger and better things. Please do NOT allow him to come back to you and convince you that he won't do it again. I mean, if he doesn't even bother to apologize, why do you keep on going back to him? Because he has a hand over you. Don't let him hold onto you.

I would also suggest you go for some counseling.

 

It is possible that your friends backed off because they could not watch you being treated this way. I would be surprised if they were not there for you now if you reach out to them. A PP said people do not change, well, people that act like he did towards someone he should have loved and cared for tend to get worse. I know it is difficult, it there a place you can go for counciling. this can help with the transition and possibly help you with why you did not leave before with all that he did to you. Also, you need to think of your girls. If you go back and he and you do not get help, well, it would be bad enough if they had to grow up watching you being treated like that, but, not to be overdramatic but I have a friend whose kids are growing up with grandparents now because their mom(and dad) are no longer with us.

Good luck, take care of yourself and your girls and get as much help as you can.

 

I might be off base, but you sound like you love this person and you said that you wish just once he could be sorry and hurt like you do. I think you are staying in a toxic relationship partly for love and partly because you don't want to give up the battle of wanting to feel loved and cared about by someone who thinks more of theirself than you. This type of person will always be self centered and you would be better off to admit that and count your loses and put you and your children first and not this jerk of a guy. Maybe I am reading it all wrong but it really sounds like its time to throw in the towel.

Mary

 

Thank you Mary, and I agree with you but as I said before it just hurts.

 

Don't put up with it. You deserve so much better and the kids don't deserve to see you treated that way either. If he is anything like my STBX he pay have gotten more than 150 dollars and the rest is going somewhere else.

 

Glad you got the password for SP/BF.

Sorry to hear all you are going through. All it took for me was one issue with cheating and he was out, we were over! You have definitely put up with more than your fair share, something I never would have been willing to do. I hate life as the only adult in the house but I would hate it more being in an unhappy relationship I think.

I married someone that my friends and family could not stand. They grew to deal with him because I loved him and they loved me. When it was over I was devastated, I loved him and still do. I can't even look at him today because I love him far too much or should I say love the man he was when I married him. I married for life and still can't believe we are divorced but anyway my point is, while my friends and family distanced a little during the marriage because they had trouble dealing with him since they honestly didn't like him. These same friends and family are literally at my beck and call now that I am alone, our relationships are better than they ever were before! I can't tell you how much I love each and every one of them! I agree with the fact they may just be distancing because they can't stand to watch how you are being treated and don't want to influence your feelings because it is obvious you love him. Don't lose faith in them!!

 

God, my heart is truly breaking for you but at the same time, I want to scream, "Wake up!!!! Run while you still can!!!" I know right now you are angry and confused and no matter what anyone says, in the end you are going to do what you want to do. This is JMO so you can take it or leave it. I can't say that I have been in your situation but I have been in unhealthy relationships in the past. It took me many many years to finally get the confidence and strength within myself to know that I deserve and have a RIGHT to feel secure and loved in a relationship. When someone is spitting on you, pouring crap on you, constantly calling you names, telling you you don't do enough around the house, pushing you, dragging you by your hair, it's kind of hard to feel happy and secure. I'm sure you know what the right answers are for this situation. I know that you are probably scared at the idea of "doing it on your own" and I know you are secretly wishing (and probably always have) that he will change, that you can change him to be the man you want him to be. The truth is, the only person you can change is you! You can make the choice to stay in this unhealthy and emotionally and physically abusive relationship and continue to have your spirit and the spirit of your kids crushed or you can muster up all the strenth you have within you and beleive that you can do it on your own. In regards to the cheating, you know the old cliche, "if it happens once, shame on you. If it happens twice, shame on me." Cheaters almost NEVER stop cheating. They may stop getting caught but they usually don't stop cheating. You deserve better. It sounds like he left on something that wasn't THAT big a deal. Perhaps it was the excuse/escape he needed to get out. Normally I would say give him time to cool off, you guys love each other and you'll work it out but this relationship you have isn't healthy anyway. Like you said, you are not married (doesn't mean you love him less) but it makes the break A LOT easier!!! As for your family and friends, I'm sure they love you and I'm sure that if you go to them and let them know that you made some choices in your life that may have not been right (including abondoning them or choosing him over them) that they will open their arms to you. At least I know I would for my friends even if I don't see them much anymore. I could go on and on about this and I don't mean to be pessimistic because I'm normally not but I don't see this situation doing a 180 and becoming the wonderful happy relationship that you wish it would be. He sounds like he's not well and I think even with "therapy" he has anger management issues and some other deeper issues that he needs to work out. I think the best way to "hurt" him if that's what you want to do, is to show him that you can be happy (if not HAPPIER) without him. To go on with your life and raise your kids and have awesome friendships and relationships with your family again would be the biggest blow to his ego.

I'll leave you with one last thing. I'm not religious but I do have an alcholic mother so I used to go to alanon meetings when I was younger. The only thing I really got out of those meetings which has had a HUGE impact on my life to this day is this one tiny prayer. You might know it but if you don't just say it to yourself and really think about each thought behind it as you say it. It really gave me a lot of strenght and still does whenever I'm in a situation where I feel out of control or scared or what have you:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Really think about what are the things you CANNOT change and try to accept that. Think about the things that you CAN change. It may take a lot of courage but you can do it. And lastly, think about the difference between what you CAN change and what you CANNOT change and use that wisdom to do what you need to do. I really wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. I'm sorry you are going through this, especially with young babies. My thoughts are with you and vent whenever you need to! Keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

i am so sorry to hear u going through this.. i feel u are just a great mom who is a little insecure..NO ONE should speak to you , or treat u the way u are being treated... if he left just like that then he had another ajenda anyway... please be strong and take a step back and look at urself.. re read this post and listen to what u are saying... i feel so bad and i dont even know u .. do not stand for that cr*p... u will do fine on ur own ... to be in an abusive relationship like that is terrible.. i hope u are doing okay .

 

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain in your relationship. It's especially hurtful, when you have to stay strong and focused for your kids. You deserve alot more, and so do your kids. Hopefully, you can go on and things will get easier for you. Just try to put all of your positive energy and attention to your kids! Your a great mom and person!!!

 

Let me ask you something. What if he did the same to your child? Spit in the face, pushed down, dragged somewhere by hair? Would you still be with him, would you forgive? The reason I'm asking, is because you have to love yourself as much as you love your children. You are the most important person in your children's life, no-one will be able to take care of them as good as you can, as well as no-one can take a better care of you as you yourself can. You have to love and cherish yourself and your children like no-one else, and it looks like you just don't realize your value in this world and your BF is just following you in this situation. What would you do to him if he dragged one of your children by hair? I can imagine... You had to do the same for yourself to - protect yourself in situations like that, and never ever get yourself in such situations again. Would you ever your children's favorite toy and tear it and dump it in the dirt in front of them - can you do that? Would you let anyone do that? You're much more important for your children that any toy in the world, you're here for them for life - don't let anyone dump you in the dirt - you're too important, too valuable, get it and start taking care of yourself as you do for your children. As soon as you follow my suggestion, you'll see how people around will change to you and no jerk will have a nerve to come close to you, only the good people will.

 

Just to start by saying that there are 2 sides to any story, and here is the other side. My name is Joe and this story was written about me. First of all I am going to start by saying that I started this relationship off with the intentions of it going somewhere great and for some reason it nevered got the chance to. WHen I first met Kim we would hang out in the parking lot at my apartment and just talk about anything and everything. It started getting serious and we had spent alot of time at my apartment. One night it started getting sexual and I ended up getting sick and had passed out and Kim had just left me because she was mad that things got started but were not finished. The next morning I ended up in the Hospital with Kim by my side(after her bailing on me). Things have been a revenge deal since. Friday of the Downtown Hoedown last year we had plans of going, we were waiting for her mother to come over to babysit our daughters and by the time she could get to the house she decided she didn't wanna go anymore, but insisted that I go with my brother or a friend. I failed the test....I was on my way out the door and got the question...Where are you going which then turned into an argument and I was asked to leave. Needless to say I ended up leaving she called me later from Kelli's phone&afriendofmyfamiliesforoverfifteenyearshadansweredmy phone thinking it was a friend of ours named Kelli and that resulted in Kim getting even with me by letting Me walk into OUR HOME to find her in our bed with another guy and one of our daughters in between them. This post that I am replying to makes me sound like a terrible guy and I just do very irrational things for no reason when I don't. It also makes her look like a saint. The facts are that i loved her very much and I love my daughters very very much and would never harm them, but when you are told you are hated, that you were wished dead, called a liar something needs to change. Thanx for reading my reality and please don't hesitate to post your thoughts


Thanx for your time
Joe

P.S. She got spit on for letting me come home to her and the friend in our bed with my daughter(If you have a Man in your life do me a favor and ask him what he would do in that situation and let me know. I stayed with KIM

 

well, i really don't want to be in the middle of this battle but i respect your side of the story. and yes, there are deffinately two sides to EVERY story. that being said...it still seems to me that what ever the intentions WERE for this relationship and with all the he said she said, it's not a healthy relationship for either you, her and especially for your daughters! it sounds like it is best for EVERYONE involved that you and "kim" should sever your ties regarding your relationship with each other. However, if you love your kids as much as you say you do then for the sake of your girls, I hope yall can find some way to get through this as peacefully as possible so that you can still work together to be PARENTS to these children. You don't have to be together in order for them to grow up with love and stability and a sense of security but you do have to be fully involved in their lives. That means that you will have to not only greatly help to support and take care of your kids (and i'm not saying that you wouldn't, i don't know you) but you will both have to find a way to respect each other, especially in front of the kids. Perhaps eventually you could even come to be friends but for the sake of these babies who are complete innocent bystanders in this whole situation you will both have to come to some sort of fair agreement on how you are going to work together to raise these babies. I wish you both the best of luck and I hope you guys find the happiness that you are seeking in your lives (other than the great happiness I'm sure your babies must bring to you)