HELP! Want to give our oldest away!

Those of you with older children before your twins... How did you survive? I consier myself to be a very patient person and generally able to handle lots of behaviors, after all, I am a special educator for children who have emotional & behavioral disorders.... But my 3.5 year old is going to push me over the edge!!!

She has always been a very active child and we have loved that about her. In fact, it is not the fact that she is active that is bothering us... We have r3eally tried to encorporate her into helping with the twins by having her get diapers, burp cloths, bottles, and anything else. We even got her some little books that she can "read" to the babies that have bright colors and areas of contrast so that she can really be a part of helping with the new babies and we can use these times to praise her for being such a good big sister.

Now for the part that is driving us NUTS! We will have both babies asleep and she will come into the room and be as loud as she can be, waking up one or both of them. One or both of them will be crying and she will decide to have a tantrum to get our attention.... I know we should ignore, but I feel like listening to my 3 crying and screaming kids is going to send me over the edge. Along with all of these little things she has also picked up some really negative behaviors like spitting, growling, threatening and breaking things. I am at a total loss!!

We work really hard to give her attention with my parents taking her to do speical things at least once a week. My husbabd's mother takes her a couple times per week. My husband tries to do something special with her daily. I have tried reading special stories, watching movies with her ect. I have not been as able to do special things with her because I am still not feeling great after my c-section and complications after the spinal they gave me... I can't even sleep in our bed yet!

Suggestions or what worked/didn't for you and your family would be greatly appreciated! We are nearing the end of our rope, and need some advice from those who have been there.

 

The first few months were the worst for my DD, it was just a hard adjustment going from all the attention all the time to these 2 crying things that mommy and daddy always seemed to be messing with. no matter how much alone time she had with us, she would still act up when I had one or both of the babies. I just kept reinforcing the good stuff and tried to ignore the other.If it was something totally unacceptable she got of time outs and/or sent to her room to play by herself until she could make better choices.
It took time,(I worried she would never act the same way again, my sweet girl turned into a bratty monster who didn't hardly listen anymore!) but now the babies are older and more "fun" and she loves helping and being the big sister.

I hope you see a turn-around in her behavior soon and the green eyed monster goes away!

 

Oh goodness, hang in there! We had some rough patches in the early days as well. The being loud stuff drives me crazy!!! My DS seemed to just like to see what reaction he could get. We were really consistent with time outs for anything unkind to the babies and he is sooooo much better.
I think no matter how much attention you and your family gives her there will be some difficult times during the transition.
A friend gave me the suggestion of any time you can attend to your DD, turn to the babies and tell them "you guys have to wait it is DD's turn for Mommy to help her" It made him feel important and more tolerant when he would have to wait for me.
He also seems to really like us telling him stories about when he was in my tummy and when he was a little baby.
It is so hard when you are physically drained, trying to take care of newborn twins and have anything left for the older child, but it does get better.

 

QUOTE(AWerner @ Nov 26 2007, 09:06 PM) [snapback]509874[/snapback]
It took time,(I worried she would never act the same way again, my sweet girl turned into a bratty monster who didn't hardly listen anymore!) but now the babies are older and more "fun" and she loves helping and being the big sister.

I hope you see a turn-around in her behavior soon and the green eyed monster goes away!



Thank you!!! This is my worry as well!!! My little girl has been my best friend for the last 3.5 years and now she doesn't listen, spits at me and acts like a little monster! I wonder where she gets these behaviors for and have felt like I am a bad parent since I am not handling these behaviors well at all...

I am glad to hear that it gets better. I just hope that it is sooner rather than later!

 

QUOTE(Nancy C @ Nov 26 2007, 09:08 PM) [snapback]509875[/snapback]
Oh goodness, hang in there! We had some rough patches in the early days as well. The being loud stuff drives me crazy!!! My DS seemed to just like to see what reaction he could get. We were really consistent with time outs for anything unkind to the babies and he is sooooo much better.
I think no matter how much attention you and your family gives her there will be some difficult times during the transition.
A friend gave me the suggestion of any time you can attend to your DD, turn to the babies and tell them "you guys have to wait it is DD's turn for Mommy to help her" It made him feel important and more tolerant when he would have to wait for me.
He also seems to really like us telling him stories about when he was in my tummy and when he was a little baby.
It is so hard when you are physically drained, trying to take care of newborn twins and have anything left for the older child, but it does get better.


Thanks! I really thought that I had imagined all of the possible behaviors that she might develop and I felt like we were ready to deal with anything... Now I feel like all we do is yell at her, tell her no and send her to her room...

I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I thought that with all of the special attention we would give would prevent it from getting bad... I was wrong.

It is nice to know others have been there as well and I really appreciate the suggestions.

 

Oh honey, I'm so sorry...I can totally relate. I have a 3 y/o who is also the same way. She is very active and is into everything all the time. I would ask for help on the TS board in the beginning also. It's been 9 weeks and it has gotten better but we still have bad days and not so bad days. A few things people have told me that has helped was first...take a deep breath. You are doing all you can to be there for all 3 children. Next, pick your battles. I can always hear those words in me head when I'm about to yell at her for something. Usually, she is ripping something. Now, if it keeps her occupied and it's not a book I usually don't care. I don't like it but I get sick of hearing myself yell at her. And another is consistency, consistency, consistency. That is also a big helper. She loves to open the wipes and take all of them out. In the beginning I was beside myself with refolding them and yelling at her not to do it. Now, if she decides to try my patience, which she will, I just say "get in time out" and I stick to it. No if's and's or but's.

I hope I've helped. Good luck and feel free to PM me because I know what you are going through at this very moment. Take care!

 

our daughter is now 4 and we had trouble every time we wanted her to do something for the twins, she would get angry and we just left her alone when it came to her sisters. but once we let her be, we stopped asking her to help with diapers and pacifyers she turned around and started asking to help. we were pushing her in some ways to be a part of something she wasn't sure about. she liked the idea of being a big sister, but she didn't really understand what that meant. once we stopped asking her to help she would ask us why we would do certain things, and we would explain what we were doing and why. even if she didn't ask we talked about what we were doing because the babies were hearing us too. she will come around, it will just take a little time to get use to the idea. you can also teach her that it's like a big girl job. my daughter loves giving her sisters their pacifyers in the car, and she calls it her job. she says, "I have a big girl job like mommy." it is so cute how she says it.

oh and if she continues to act up you can always take away special trips, toys, and or use the corner. my daughter hates the corner!

good luck!
Meshell

 

Not much advice, but *lots* of empathy from me!! My older one is close in age to yours, and I can honestly say that she's been worlds harder than having twinfants. Just today, she got in trouble for hitting another little girl at school, and then had a huge, fall-on-the-floor tantrum when she couldn't play on the playground after school (it was cold and raining).

She never did this stuff before she turned 3 -- we didn't have Terrible Twos at all -- so this has really thrown us for a loop!

The good news is, her behavior was just atrocious when the babies were tiny, and then it improved a lot after a month or two, and everyone settled in. The bad news is, now that they're nearly six months and sitting in exersaucers and playing and becoming little humans, she is acting out again.

I don't think there's much to do besides being consistent -- carve out special time for her when you can, but also let her know that poor behavior won't fly, just because her world has been shaken up a bit. We've had moderate success using the 1-2-3 Magic method of discipline -- if you don't have time to read the book (and who does, LOL) -- you can probably reserve the video at the library. It's in two parts, and it's really pretty good.

Good luck, and congrats on your babies!!

 

My older kids were MUCH older when the twins were born - so our issues were the same kind of thing but with older kids it's easier to make them understand. the only advice I have for you is to make sure you praise her for the good things she does. this is an adjustment for her also - only she is used to being your best friend too and not having to share you - now all in a sudden she does. You had 9 months to prepare - she knew there were babies coming but that's it she had no idea exactly what that ment. it will get better once things settle down and you guys fall into a routine.
don't let her get away with being bad but praise her for good things EVEN if it's something very simple.

:hug99: and CONGRATULATIONS on your sweet boys!!!

 

QUOTE(Stephanie1074 @ Nov 26 2007, 06:55 PM) [snapback]509853[/snapback]
Those of you with older children before your twins... How did you survive? I consier myself to be a very patient person and generally able to handle lots of behaviors, after all, I am a special educator for children who have emotional & behavioral disorders.... But my 3.5 year old is going to push me over the edge!!!

Have you seen my collection of gray hairs? The boys didn't give them to me, that's for dang sure!

QUOTE
Now for the part that is driving us NUTS! We will have both babies asleep and she will come into the room and be as loud as she can be, waking up one or both of them. One or both of them will be crying and she will decide to have a tantrum to get our attention.... I know we should ignore, but I feel like listening to my 3 crying and screaming kids is going to send me over the edge. Along with all of these little things she has also picked up some really negative behaviors like spitting, growling, threatening and breaking things. I am at a total loss!!

Ahyup! Been there, done that, have the t-shirt, bought the movie and we're still dealing with it on occasion.

QUOTE
Suggestions or what worked/didn't for you and your family would be greatly appreciated! We are nearing the end of our rope, and need some advice from those who have been there.

We use a 2 pronged approach of time-outs and praise. Time outs for misbehavior and praise for any time she isn't misbehaving. The bad behavior has lessened a lot. I think it's mostly because she's more used to the babies toddlers now plus I try to be very consistent.

If Emma gets really obnoxious I give her a damp washcloth and tell her to "wipe the dirty off the walls". She loves washing the walls, it will keep her occupied for 20-30 minutes. Does your dd have any chores she likes to do?

Feel free to vent. I know how absolutely frustrating a toddler and twins can be.