help me defend myself from other peoples judgments!

maybe you can help me find a graceful way of dealing with everyone trying to tell me how to run my life and raise the babies....
I haven't worked since last April when I was put on bedrest. I shut down my very good private practice and took leave from post as director of the univ. counseling center. this wasn't easy for me since till then i was very career oriented but the babies come first. i have been getting a full salary since and on oct. 1 my maternity leave ends and then i must return to work. I'm very grateful to have had the opportunity to be a sahm for the first year of the babies lives without having to worry about money and being able to hold on to my position at work. what more could i have asked for?
I'm also basically ok with the girls going to day care in september. They have been accepted to the city's best day care which is on the univ. campus 3' from my office. So this is the best possible scenario, right? You'd think people would be happy with how things are working out.
instead so many people are questioning why i'm sending them to day care instead of getting a nanny. they think it's too early for day care, they will be sick all the time, they should be at home with the attention of a nanny, they will be traumatized etc.
now i know why i've decided what i've decided. i have thought things through. this is a good plan. but in Greece it is customary for grandmothers to take over childcare when the mothers go back to work and if that doesn't happen then nannies are hired. so since this is not what the majority is doing it's just not ok. i mean there are so few day cares that even accept children who are not toilet trained so that gives you an idea of how things are.
strangely enough the next item of these uncomfortable discussions I'm having with people is if i will start up my private practice again. i have decided not to because if i did that would leave me no time with the girls and although the additional money was good we can do without it. i would be working 8am to 2pm and then again in the evening. so then i get advise that i should have it at least a couple of evenings a week or after they go to sleep. i say if i have extra time i would rather go shopping, do yoga, catch a movie whatever.
and as if this isn't enough i am told i should find a babysitter so i can go out with dh. the babies sleep at about 7pm till 7am. we have lots of quality time together. yes maybe a babysitter would be nice, i'm sort of looking into it but it's not really a pressing need for me. i'm too tired to go out, i enjoy staying at home, we get out lots with the babies and that's just fine for now. so people try to persuade me that i must go out with dh it's not ok that we don't.
now i've had this discussion with so many of my friends covering the same points that i'm starting to get defensive. i stop myself from retaliating. i could question how they are raising their children but i don't. instead i just listen to their ideas and end up wondering if really i'm not doing the right thing and doubting myself.
i was hoping you can help me find some way to respond to these things. it's the same discussion over and over again it's starting to annoy me and as fall comes nearer it's becoming a more popular topic with my friends.
also, you ladies i trust. do you think there's something wrong with how i'm going about things? should i really be doing something else?
thanks so much

 

Oh goodness...everyone always has to have an opinion on how to run your life, don't they!! You know what is best for you and your babies, PERIOD! I think it sounds like a wonderful plan!

As far as getting a sitter and going out with DH...I catch some heat for this one as well. I personally don't like to go out, away from my kids at night. And I really don't think that there is anything wrong with that. We watch movies, chat, and spend time together, after the kids go to bed, so what is the difference?

I'm sorry that everyone seems to be giving you such a hard time. The only thing that matters is that you and your family are happy and feel at peace with the decisions that you make. You are doing a great job. :hug99:

 

I would do what you feel most comfortable with. And if you think you are doing the right thing, then I am sure you are. You are their mother and would do what is best for them.
And I think that is what you should tell people.
Good luck!!

 

QUOTE(becky5 @ Jul 8 2007, 02:06 PM) [snapback]321963[/snapback]
Oh goodness...everyone always has to have an opinion on how to run your life, don't they!! You know what is best for you and your babies, PERIOD! I think it sounds like a wonderful plan!

As far as getting a sitter and going out with DH...I catch some heat for this one as well. I personally don't like to go out, away from my kids at night. And I really don't think that there is anything wrong with that. We watch movies, chat, and spend time together, after the kids go to bed, so what is the difference?

I'm sorry that everyone seems to be giving you such a hard time. The only thing that matters is that you and your family are happy and feel at peace with the decisions that you make. You are doing a great job. :hug99:


I agree completely with everything Becky just said!

 

I do not think you need to defend yourself at all.......you are doing the best for you and your family. Period!!!! No one else's business.

 

You know what is best for you and your children! Try not to worry about others and their opinions.

 

First of all, don't worry about what others have to say about your parenting choices. You know what is best for your family.

Secondly, I worked for several years at a day care center, and brought my older daughters with me. Yes, for a little while your children will probably catch every bug that enters the center. But after awhile of being around the other kids, my children and I developed some very strong immune systems. I haven't worked at the center in about 5 years, but my kids, now 12 and 13, and I, still get sick very rarely. I credit this to their time in daycare.

Personally, I would be more concerned with a nanny. They are home alone with your children with no one else around to be accountable to. If there were abuse of some sort taking place at a daycare center someone would notice... another teacher, a parent, even other children. I'm sure the majority of nannys are perfectly safe, as are day care workers, but it is always nice to have more than one person looking out for your children.

Helen

 

Maybe just a quick- I'll take that under advisement- would suffice...and go on with what you think is best. What good does it do to argue with them? They are welcome to their opinion, and it is just that, an opinion. You don't have to agree.

 

I am with Becky and RhondaJo! I would also add that when people say something I have been known to say that this is what works with our family and you do what works with your family. Not in a mean way or anything but it kind of gets the point across that what works with one family may not work with another.

 

Yeah........so......that never ends. My kids are going on 18 months now and MY MOTHER (of all people) still tells me what I'm doing wrong. Have faith in yourself and your decisions.

 

I would simply cut whoever it is off mid-sentence and say "DH & I have decided what is best for OUR family, thank you".... Like you said this is the decision you have come to and are comfortable with, you DO NOT need the added stress of "everyone else's" opinion being shoved into your face!!

 

I agree with pp..I was thinking of how I might get these people to stop putting in their 2 cents about going out with your DH by saying, "The activity we enjoy doing together is best done in the privacy of our own home so there is no need to go out." That might shut them up. That's just me though.

 

QUOTE(LB @ Jul 9 2007, 09:26 AM) [snapback]322750[/snapback]
I agree with pp..I was thinking of how I might get these people to stop putting in their 2 cents about going out with your DH by saying, "The activity we enjoy doing together is best done in the privacy of our own home so there is no need to go out." That might shut them up. That's just me though.

:rotflmbo:

 

I understand what you're saying about how it gets old to feel like you have to defend yourself to others. You know the decisions you made are yours, and nobody else's opinions really matter, it just gets old hearing it (especially when it's from people you care about-your friends). I tend to let people finish their side, then say with a pleasant smile, yeah, there are so many options, this is the one we chose. Staying calm shows you are confident in your decision and being pleasant will still give them the impression you think their opinion is worthwhile, and then just come vent to us again.

I, too, rarely get a sitter, and if I ever do, it's after the kids are in bed anyway. So, why go out when you can enjoy each other at home? I get grief over this occassionally as well, and it's just because people think I need to get out. They mean well, but don't understand that I would much rather have my half hour bubble bath and book reading time than to do ANYTHING else (not to mention the time just hanging with my hubby).

 

thank you all so much for your support and suggestions.
i feel better knowing that none of you think i'm wrong with my plans and that it's ok to do what seems the best for us.

 

I would simply cut whoever it is off mid-sentence and say "DH & I have decided what is best for OUR family, thank you".... Like you said this is the decision you have come to and are comfortable with, you DO NOT need the added stress of "everyone else's" opinion being shoved into your face!!

I agree with above


As for the going out with DH I can count on one hand (well maybe two), the amount of times we have been out since they were born (and they're 4 years old), I'm still too tired and yes I have fallen asleep in the movies with him!!

Do wot feels right for you.

good luck


amanda

 

I hear a lot of the same thing. People are always like "you aren't going to go back to work, are you?" and I always say "Yes I am" ... It's not anyone else's business and I get very offended when I feel like people question whether or not I'm a good mom. It's very frustrating. I am proud of the career that I have created for myself, on top of the money I make and honestly, we couldn't afford to just lose my salary. But I hate when I feel like I have to explain that to anyone else. And then when I do "explain" myself, SAHMs feel like I'm attacking them for not maintaining their career outside of their family. I personally think SAHMs have the hardest job of all. And I think they are amazing people for doing it. Finacially it's not an option for us, and if it was, I'm not sure I could/would do it. But that is MY situation and MY feelings. For every mom its different, and it's sad that people feel the need to push what they think is right onto you. Only you know what is right for you. I am so hot-headed that I would just say "if i wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it" ... but that just me being a b*tch! haha ... hang in there. You know what is right for you.

 

I am so busy trying to manage my own life I can't even imagine trying to run someone else's too! My favorite saying when I want to tell people to butt out is, "We are comfortable with our decisions". How can you argue with that? I think you are doing an amazing job!

Reyna