Help...I think DH hates me!

As you can imagine, my house is a stress zone right now. I'm venting to you guys because I really don't have anyone else to vent too. I'm working 4-10 hour days. The days I work, I get up at 5am. My DH is awesome as a dad. He gets up in the middle of the night and also is basically a SAHD; he's going to school 3 days/week, but he is home with the kids a lot. I know this is a stressful time for him, especially with neither of us sleeping much.

The problem is, I am becoming MEAN and it's usually directed towards him. He has told me on several occassions, that all I do is B#@ch. He's right and I don't really know how to change it. Last night I screamed at him b/c I was up with Aidan from 1:30-2:30, then he fed Ava at 2:30, but she was up again crying at 3:45 and I had to get up with her because he was ignoring her crying. I got her back to sleep by 4:30am,but then had to get up at 5am to start my 11 hour work day (with driving time) plus the 3+ hectic hours tonight when I get home. I called him this morning to apologize, but he clearly does not care about my apology. He hung up on me. I feel horrible, but I don't really know what else I can do. His solution when someone wakes up at 4am is just to take them downstairs and start the day--- but then I have to hear about how he had to get up that early. I would just rather try to get them to go back to sleep, so they don't get in the habit of getting up at 4am. I tried to explain this and that's when I got hung up on.

I should also add that he is rarely at home with all four kids by himself. My family and his have been awesome about working out a schedule so he almost always has a helper there with him. At least 3 of the four days, he is able to catch some sort of a nap during the day as well. Out of the 40 hrs/week I'm at work, maybe about 10 of those he is alone with all 4 kids.

I'm literally at my wits end. No matter what I do, I'm the B@#ch. I'm not really looking for solutions, just someone to listen to me. I do not like the person I'm becoming. I love my kids and my husband. I expected this to be stressful, but at this point I do not see a light at the end.

Crystal

 

As you can imagine, my house is a stress zone right now. I'm venting to you guys because I really don't have anyone else to vent too. I'm working 4-10 hour days. The days I work, I get up at 5am. My DH is awesome as a dad. He gets up in the middle of the night and also is basically a SAHD; he's going to school 3 days/week, but he is home with the kids a lot. I know this is a stressful time for him, especially with neither of us sleeping much.

The problem is, I am becoming MEAN and it's usually directed towards him. He has told me on several occassions, that all I do is B#@ch. He's right and I don't really know how to change it. Last night I screamed at him b/c I was up with Aidan from 1:30-2:30, then he fed Ava at 2:30, but she was up again crying at 3:45 and I had to get up with her because he was ignoring her crying. I got her back to sleep by 4:30am,but then had to get up at 5am to start my 11 hour work day (with driving time) plus the 3+ hectic hours tonight when I get home. I called him this morning to apologize, but he clearly does not care about my apology. He hung up on me. I feel horrible, but I don't really know what else I can do. His solution when someone wakes up at 4am is just to take them downstairs and start the day--- but then I have to hear about how he had to get up that early. I would just rather try to get them to go back to sleep, so they don't get in the habit of getting up at 4am. I tried to explain this and that's when I got hung up on.

I should also add that he is rarely at home with all four kids by himself. My family and his have been awesome about working out a schedule so he almost always has a helper there with him. At least 3 of the four days, he is able to catch some sort of a nap during the day as well. Out of the 40 hrs/week I'm at work, maybe about 10 of those he is alone with all 4 kids.

I'm literally at my wits end. No matter what I do, I'm the B@#ch. I'm not really looking for solutions, just someone to listen to me. I do not like the person I'm becoming. I love my kids and my husband. I expected this to be stressful, but at this point I do not see a light at the end.

Crystal

 

Crystal,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Can you cut back on your hours? Get a job closer to home? Could some of your family help out at night once or twice a week so you could both get some sleep? It sounds like sleep deprivation and stress to me. Come here any time to vent. Your DH doesn't hate you, he's also got sleep deprivation and stress. I hope things get better really soon.

 

You have four children two and under. All of your kids are at the age where you need to still do everything for them. If you are a b**** I am sure it is because you are a little over stressed. Do you ever get any down time?

I have been the same way at times. We have the four kids and sometimes my husband seems like another kid. He is a good dad and a good husband, but his "I need attention too, " and "My needs come first," attitude really angers me.

I have really tried to start taking the stance that if I don't have anything nice to say than I shouldn't say anything at all. Sometimes that works.

I am sorry you guys are going through this, but four little kids would really put a strain on any family!

Angel

 

quote:
my husband seems like another kid. He is a good dad and a good husband, but his "I need attention too, " and "My needs come first," attitude really angers me.


You couldn't have said it any better for me. I guess I'm just really frustrated right now. I don't want to end up in divorce court with a custody battle over 4 kids.

Crystal

 

Oh Crystal, I completely understand where you are coming from. I feel the same way. Sometimes I think all I do is critisize my DH. I know it comes from lack of sleep and feeling a bit overwhelmed, and it's easier to take everything out on him rather than the kids.

My SIL's pastor had kids the same ages mine were when her twins were born, and she told me (when I was pregnant with my boys) that the only time she truly felt a divorce coming on was when the babies were little. She said it improved at about 3 months. Well, my boys are 5 months and, although it's improved some, it's still not perfect. However, knowing that it's hard on relationships has gotten me through. (That, and a little temper tantrum here and there)

Anyway, hang in there. Vent when you need to. Cry when you need to. Pray for patience (that's a constant for me).

 

The first few months are sooo hard! I wasn't exactly the nicest person for the first few months and I don't have nearly the stress that you do! It will get better soon.

 

Crystal,
I could have written your post. Actually, I was going to post something similar this morning b/c I too work 4-10 hr days, but our girls go to daycare. I get up at 5am and get home around 7pm w/ commute. DH picks the girls up and his dad meets him at our house around 4:30, they are there until around 5:00 when my mom & mil get there. Then he is off doing what ever he wants to. When I get home at 7, everyone leaves since I am home.
Then he asks what's wrong?
Don't get me wrong, I love my life & my family, but sometimes, I would like to be able to do "what I want to" every once in a while. Like take a bath or attend one of my MOMs club meetings. But then i know that if I were to go somewhere I would feel guilty. I even feel guilty about working b/c I don't get home until 7. Anyway, sorry to hijack your post, just wanted to let you know you aren't by yourself and I am glad to know that I'm not.

 

Guys, I am right there with you. I only work about 25 hours a week but I also go to school half time. DH is unemployed right now so he stays home during the day with the kids and at night when I am work. He gets my mom and my sister over probably 50% of the time and the other days that I am home at night I end up doing everything. I also end up getting up at night too, and I am so exhausted (everyone is sick here so there is a lot of getting up).

I do think things have improved a little since my twins are older though so take heart in knowing some of his crap will change. I don't think you are really being a B*tch about this stuff. He is clearly acting like what you are asking or talking to him about is not a problem because he knows it is and he is basically in denial.

I think you are right to expect some more assistance at night from him since he is the SAHD and you are supporting the family right now. The first 4 months of K & P's lives I got up with them every night by myself because DH was workin 10 hour days. Now I figure he is not working, its his turn to step up.

Don't be too hard on yourself. heres a hug.

 

HONEY - I have one set of twins and have been that way - you have 2
sets 2yrs and under and a job - YOU HAVE A LISCENCE TO B*^%$

 

Thanks for all of the support. I need it. I got hung up on 5 hours ago and still no call back. I have a long night ahead of me. I sent him an e-mail, corny, I know, but every time I try to talk to him he tells me to quit having a pity party for myself. Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into. I'm trying to just keep my patience and for now I'll take the advice from one of you. If I can't say something nice, I'm not talking for a while.

Crystal

 

Crystal

(((((Hugs))))))

I am almost there with you. My second set are a month old now, and things are starting to get stressful here. Lack of sleep, and everyone sick has made things rough.

I hope that it gets better soon. With our first set it was around 6 months when we unleased each others throats from a death grip, and the divorce talks stopped. Then we forgot how hard it was and started trying for another......not knowing or thinking that twins would happen again!

I hope that your night is not to long. My therapist once told me this.....

Men are like having another child sometimes. You need to stroke thier egos, tell them they are doing a good job, then life is usually alittle more smoother when you remeber to do this.

 

thats all i can say lol. we fight all day everday b/c dh is so lazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.than he has never 2 say he does more with the kids than i do lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooo . its horrible... i feel ur pain...

 

What really helped us survive the first few months was to divide up the night. I was (am) at home and DH working, so I had the longer shift since I could maybe nap during the day. I was "on duty" from 9pm-4am, DH went to bed then. I would doze on and off if they were sleeping in the nursery. DH was on duty from 4am-8:30am while I got a few hours of solid sleep, then he left for work.

My only other advice would be, since he is the SAHP right now, let him run the schedule however it works for him. I also had the babies up super early and would just go ahead and start the day (later though, around 5 months). We actually had no schedule at 2 months. Anyway, he probably feels like you are nitpicking him.

I hope the day got better and you and DH got to talk it out.

 

Maybe you should arrange for a sitter, take one day and have the two of you go to one of those couples spas. It would be relaxing and connecting. Maybe what you are actually missing is the connection with each other. We finally broke down one night and had dinner out, just the two of us and things calmed down a lot in our marriage and elsewhere. It is very difficult to have that many kids by yourself, I know I do it everyday from the first cry around 6, til I go to bed at 9. All the DH is responsible for is helping me while I cook dinner and he helps me bathe them. But that is only during the week bc he has to be to work at 5, and he works 30 minutes away. I really think that I am the b$%^@ a whole lot in our marriage bc I feel that I am solely responsible for their lives and mine, and I find the more sacrafices I make and the less happy and more tired I am, the more of a jerk I am to him. Take care of yourself more, if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else KWIM.

 

OK, don't hate me for saying it, but I do it too. Everything spins when we start to resent the other for even the little things.

quote:
I should also add that he is rarely at home with all four kids by himself. My family and his have been awesome about working out a schedule so he almost always has a helper there with him. At least 3 of the four days, he is able to catch some sort of a nap during the day as well.


This sounds a little like you are resentful...call me crazy if I am wrong. Things can get ugly when you both start comparing your difficulties or saying that one has it easier than the other etc...even if it subconscious, it can really contribute to the B@#$%iness. I know...I go there all too often, then all the little pet-peeves that bother you really get outta hand and your ready to explode.

Other than that, you need a break, you both need a break together and you need to do some serious pillow talk and work out, calmly and repectfully, how to conquer the next few months of no sleep...oh and sex really helps, I promise...for both of you.

 

I'm sorry, and I understand
Two things came to mind reading your post:
1) It's only been a couple months. You were pregnant for the better part of a year! Don't discount the ravaging hormones that are wrecking havoc on your body and mind right now. You're going to go off sometimes - can't help it. Don't be too hard on yourself!
2) Sounds like you both need a night out together, or a Sat afternoon or something to refresh your love. You can't let the kids burn out the marriage - otherwise, what's the point?

((((Hugs))))

 

I agree that you need some time alone, just the two of you. Even if you go somewhere and get take out or fast food then go take a nap together. Just be together without the kids. Dh and I have tried to take some time for us (after the kids are in bed, etc) and it really has helped. Our boys are almost 4 months old, I really think that at 2.3 to 3 months things started to get better for us.

 

Update: We had a long talk when I got home Tuesday. We agreed that we are both super stressed out and exhausted. We also agreed that we need to be a little more supportive of each other.

quote:
Anyway, he probably feels like you are nitpicking him.


This is so true. It's a bad habit of mine that I tend to do a lot. I'm going to work on being less critical of him. I think it's my way of trying to control things.

quote:
This sounds a little like you are resentful...call me crazy if I am wrong. Things can get ugly when you both start comparing your difficulties or saying that one has it easier than the other etc...even if it subconscious, it can really contribute to the B@#$%iness. I know...I go there all too often, then all the little pet-peeves that bother you really get outta hand and your ready to explode.

I'm honestly not resentful, but I feel very guilty that I have to go to work and honestly, a little jealous that he gets to be at home with them. I guess if I am resentful, it's because I have to go to work 4 days/week.

Thank you all for being my therapists

Crystal