Help I am on the edge of a break downI need someone to vent at

I feel guilty even writing this because I feel like most of the time when I post I am complaining but I just really need to talk to someone who wont have preconceived ideas. So here I sit migraine raging hoping I can get all of this out before my babies wake.
I constantly telling my self there are so many who have it far worse then me and I need to just suck it up but my hormones are out of control and frankly I am tired.
Here is what is wearing on me. To start my house is extremely small, not apartment small but not much bigger. I have three rooms but they are so small I can barley move around in mine with the pack-n-play for the babies in it. My sons room has his bed and a twin bed that we originally got for my mom to sleep in when the babies where born but now is being used by the house guest my husband let move in a week before the babies were born and my third room houses my 19 year old nephew whom I adore but is little help(he lives on his computer). I spend most of my time in my room feeding babies because it is easier then putting my hooter hider on to feed the babies in the front room where the houseguest spends most of his time (usually on my computer). My older DS is going through adjusting to babies, which means his mood comes and goes. Add to this the houseguest roughhousing with him despite my repeated requests that he not and I have a crazy toddler on my hands. He now hits, kicks, and occasionally bits all of which he gets in trouble for but it does little good. I also can not give him a nap because the houseguest works nights and sleeps in DS room during the day. So by 530 I have a over tired DS on my hands. DH helps when he can but he has no patients and he gets overwhelmed by babies and DS easily so it alls back on me to handle things No one picks up after themselves and I have a pill of laundry a mile high.
I try to talk to my husband about everything and he tells me that the houseguest has no where to go and I need to be more understanding and he is just as tired as I am so he doesn’t’ know why I seem so “overwhelmed”. There is more to the story but right now I am trying not to be sick from migraine.
I am sure I am over reacting a little but honestly how much can one person be expected to take?

 

Hi,

Don't feel bad about venting :hug99: . It's healthy . You sound like you are in a tough situation and I would be frustrated too. My twins are the same age as yours and I know it would be a rough time for us to have a houseguest especially if the normal routines were interrupted. I hope the situation is resolved soon. :hug99:

 

First, a huge hug to you. What you are dealing with, hormones still raging from having TWO babies, AND a migraine AND a toddler, is ENORMOUS. YOu are not complaining, and feel free to vent - WE get it!

The situation sounds really difficult. And it sounds as if your DH just does not get it. Well, i dont' mean to be harsh, but he needs to get it. And maybe that means you need to have a little (orchestrated) breakdown of your own for him so he does get it.

I don't know who the houseguest is and his relationship to you but - the whole business of him roughhousing w/your already stressed by having two new siblings toddler is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. And you get to tell him so. Know why? Because it's YOUR house, YOU'RE the Mommy,and besides, not that you need it, but you have the perfect hormonal excuse.

So, i don't mean to tell you what to do, but you might considering telling your DH taht you are about to have a breakdown, that if he doesn't intervene w/the houseguest and your toddler that you will and you will not pull any punches, and that there needs to be a timeline for getting him out of the house. And that although you want to be compassionate and helpful, right now you have TWO NEWBORNS in the house and the health of YOUR family depends on you all having less stress.

And - if your babies are still eating every two hours, tehn maybe leave them with hubby for almost that time so he gets a clue what it's like (I know that is very difficult to do, but it is ESSENTIAL that you get out of that house for a little mental break. I lived in the nursery for three months and it made me crazy.

And, sorry, tell the Dh and the guest tht they do their own laundry!

Next: have you reached out for help? If you have no family (I didn't, and it was brutal), then - if you belong to a church or synagogue, or some other group? Maybe other mom's of your toddlers' friends?? If you don't belong to a church, etc, perhaps call a local one and tell them of your need, many of htem have Social Action committees that can help.

I was VERY reluctant to accept or ask for help, and then i realized that i just couldn't manage it, and there was no way i SHOULD be able to manage it. And i don't have a toddler!

Bottom line, you need help. Those first few months are INSANE; you are exhausted, and if you're nursing you are pouring out a TON of calories and energy which is very difficult to maintain. I know that i coddled my DH for a long time; he worked outside the home (as if what i was doing WASN'T work??!!!), i was nursing so why should he getup in the middle of the night (even though one was getting bottle fed EBM!), etc....well, not only was i overhwlemed and exhausted, but it bred a lot of resentment, which didn't help.

You WILL survive this time, but please reach out to whatever resources you have. I had people coming over and washing/folding my laundry: i would have liked to not need the help, but i did need it -and know what? People were HAPPY to be of service. People want to help but they need specific direction about what you need: food, shopping, laundry, someone takng the two year old off your hands for a few hours.

I don't mean to preach, i'm just feeling for you.

Another big hug, and good luck!

 

:hug99: I'm so sorry! It sounds like the source of most of your frustration is this houseguest. I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with this person and tell him the rules of the house. It's your house, he should be respectful of that! They should also have to help with the upkeep of the house and laundry!

As far as feeding the babies....do it out in the main room one time, uncovered, and I guarantee both those boys will be running for their rooms! LOL! Then you will have reclaimed your living room!

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now. You are in a really tough stage with the babies, and to add all that on would overwhelm anyone! Please don't feel guilty for posting, that is what we are here for. I hope things get better soon. :hug99:

 

I can't imagine the stress of feeling limited in your own house, especially with two new babies! :hug99: You need to talk to your DH and maybe sit down with the houseguest. You need to be able to do things on your schedule. This includes feeding the babies and taking care of your DS. If he needs to nap, he needs to have someplace to do it!

And if you can reach out for help, do it! Family, friends, whatever......it's not easy taking care of 3 children that young!!

 

:hug99: I am going to agree with pp, because it appears to me that the houseguest is the problem. You need to allow your older DS to nap still, you need to maintain whatever control you can over your home, because things are chaotic enough right now anyway.

Can you talk to your DH about the houseguest and see when and if he can move out soon. We have a small house like yours (with only 2 bedrooms actually) and when space is at a premium, houseguests are really not an option. :hug99:

Feel free to vent whenever you want. That is what this board is for. :hug99:

 

I have no advice ... just wanted to say that I have no idea how in the world you do it. I can barely do it with just the two babies and a dog in a smallish but not too small house. You are my hero. You have every reason in the world to vent and you are NOT overreacting at all! Sorry I can't help. I agree with someone who said to start drawing a line ... do your laundry and the babies & DS's laundry and the rest is up to the rest of the household. Same for cooking.

 

Hugs to you first off.

Second off, you are at the toughest point of having twins....I thought I wouldn't make it through! It does get easier...I know it is hard to believe but it does!!

It sounds like your houseguests need to move out. It is YOUR house, YOUR rules!! Give them a deadline to get out! You and your children are priority and your DH needs to wake up and smell the coffee! Let him stay home with the kids by himself for a day and see what your daily routine is like!

DH's nephew lived with us, but we had the room...we have a two-bedroom loft upstairs so many times I forgot he was even here. However, he wasn't working and we didn't have the money to support him along with 3 children. He ended up moving in with his sister. Family or not, we had to do what we had to do!

April

 

If you ask me you ae being VERY reasonable!!! It is hard to get into a routinr with 1 baby let alone 2 & a "houseguest" otherwise known as a moocher! Seriosly, I too live in a very small house ( we bought a 2 family 1 month before I got pregnant w/ what we thought was our 2nd...). We have 2 bedrooms,a very small living room, smaller dining room & kitchen... All 5 of us sleep in the larger of the 2 bedrooms since the other is not well insulated and is literally freezing cold!!! So, I can relate to the lack of space. My parents have also been here every day "helping"... So far, we have no routine and to many people in a small space so I can relate to dealing w/ outsiders too, although at least mine wash dishes!!

First thing... Talk to your husband. Tell him that you are not over reacting and his lack of support hurts you. Tell him that the house guest either needs to go or do some work to help out in the house... Make a list of what you feel comfortable having him do... Let your husband know that you expect his help making sure there is follow through.

Second, make a list of all of the things you feel need to be done in the house... ie Laundry, dishes, cooking, clean bathroom, bathe toddler, give toddler nap, ect... then make a chore chart and rotate jobs weekly... note jobs that you do that can only be done by you & give small jobs to toddler. Your toddler can do things like puy laundry in hamper, put toys in toy box, ect.

Third have your husband present jobs to guest... he got him in the house & he needs to manage the guest... Also, your toddler NEEDS a nap more than the person needs his room! If you make thing too nice for this guest he will never leave & he needs too!!! Meanwhile make it clear that he needs to pull his weight since you have 3 young children to care for!

All this is easier said then done, but once you do it, you will feel better and you will finally start to get some degree of normalcy back into your life!

Good luck!!! :love0028: :love0028: :love0028: You are doing great!!!

 

first off, I'm so sorry. I posted the other day with a similar problem, so I kind of know what your going through. When I woke up one morning and found a bowl of chili dumped upside down on my living room chair, and found my cousin passed out on the couch from getting drunk the night before, I had had enough, and told him right then and there to get his kids and leave ( he had another place to go) He was taking advantage, and they will if you dont put your foot down. The pp are right, make them help with household chores, try to set a timeline for them to move out, and I would definately nurse right there in front of them, trust me, they'll run for the hills LOL And you dh sounds like mine, leave him with the kids, I have. Then come home after a few (long) hours and tell him you need to have a sit down with him and tell him how your feeling, and that his wife and kids should come first. Good luck, I wish you all the best in this tough time. Hugs to you.

 

Oh man! :hug99: First of all I can totally relate to the lack of space. Up until a month ago it was me,Dh, and the two babies with all their stuff in a small one bedroom loft. I can't tell you how much of a difference getting a bigger place has made! I give you major credit for putting up with all that I would have lost it trying to nurse twins on no sleep with people everywhere. I think that if Dh won't budge on getting rid of your house guest then some clear boundries need to be set. If he is going to be there the least he could do is not make more work for you. MAKE THEM HELP!!! I also know how you feel about DH not being patient enough. I figured out the first week that it just wasn't going to work with him getting up with them, I was way too nervous to sleep. He would get sooo frustrated when they wouldn't stop crying and I would end up having to get up anyway. I wish I had some better advice but I am sure your hormones and emotions are getting in the way of you being the kind of woman you would normally. I was so emotional after I had the babies that I wanted to please everyone and tried to do EVERYTHING! Let me tell you if I felt then like I do now I would have been calling people and telling them to bring me food and I would have been kicking some major butt if those boys weren't helping me and making more work. I know you probably feel really trapped but take your house back and lay down the law sister! You are in the absolute hardest time with the babies right now and you really need some help! I am so sorry you are going through this, I swear I feel your pain. Hang in there! :hug99: BTW you are NOT over reacting. I totally agree with pp about a little "orchestrated breakdown".

 

You are totally not being unreasonable... The houseguest AND the nephew need to go! IMHO!!! Why on earth would your dh feel comfortable having a houseguest in a 3 bedroom home???? that's nuts!! And there must be someone else in the family that can help out the nephew...if not he should get a job and his own apartment, he's 19! Where are his parents??? or grandparents for that matter??? I'm sorry but if that were me I'd tell my dh "it's either me or them, babe!" No way on earth should you have to be dealing with this. your dh needs a reality check. I can't believe you've even lasted this long...I'd been flipping before the twins were even born!! In my hormonal state I probably would've gone to the houseguest myself and said, "look my husband meant well, but we really can't have you living here. I'm sorry but you need to find your own place to live." The problem with unwanted houseguests is that usually they are really hard to get rid of. You need to talk to your dh ASAP b/c it may take a few weeks to get rid of him!

 

:hug99: Sorry things are so rough right now and the hormones and the sleep deprivation makes everything worse and seem far more tragic than they really are (not that there arent issues). I agree with Becky, nurse in front of them and they will surely run...especially the 19 year old Hang in there.

 

You are a far better woman than I -- I would have lost it LONG ago! You've gotten great advice from the PP's -- I can't imagine letting the situation continue as it is, and keeping your sanity.

Good luck, and big hugs.

 

I honestly don't think you are over-reacting at all. I would say the house guest needs to do as you ask, or hit the road. Is there a reason your nephew is staying there? If it were me, the house guest and the nephew would be outta there. That is way too much chaos for one person to handle.

 

Honestly, you are not overreacting in the slightest. I would be going crazy in your shoes. I actually went crazy when my boys were newborns and I had more space than you do, fewer extra people around, and I wasn't nursing (I gave up after 10 days...long story). Personally, I think you're amazing! You need to write a list of everything you need to stay sane. I'll even get you started if you like! Then you need to give your husband this list and politely but firmly tell him that you are not going to survive the twinfant experience if he doesn't help you to accomplish the things on your list.

1. Encourage houseguest to find alternative accommodations ASAP. Do not feel bad about this. Your houseguest is a total idiot and clueless if he thinks this is an appropriate time to stay with you.

2. Every day before husband leaves for work/goes to bed, the house needs to be reasonably tidy (toddlers toys picked up, dishwasher emptied, no dishes on the counter, garbages emptied, coffee table Windexed, bathroom sink wiped, etc.) and everyone, including your lovely but lazy nephew, needs to regularly pitch in to do a proper clean (i.e. vacuum every three days, old food out of fridge, bathroom cleaned, etc.).

3. The babies' mama comes first. If you're not happy, the babies won't be happy, your milk production will suffer, your toddler with rebel, all heck will break loose. Mama needs to be fed and watered every single day.

4. Arrange rotating, useful help with the babies. Send out a mass e-mail and politely request meals dropped off, someone to take your toddler to the park/indoor play area, laundry to be folded, etc. You need some help from someone every day if possible, for an hour or three. Your friends and family, even distant relatives, probably want to help but just don't know how.

You are at high risk for PPD as a mother of twins and you need to take care of yourself. You can PM me any time - I completely understand what you're feeling.

 

OK ya' know what really is making my nerves twist, the fact that your dh told you that YOU aren't being nice by complaining about the houseguest. WHAT!!?!?!?! You know what I said to my dh when my two were newborns and he was just not being a good husband...that he had NO CLUE what it's like for other men whose wives have ONE BABY. There are women out there who would've hit the road the first time their dh messed up. And that's what your husband needs to understand. That you are being so giving and so understanding and that it's going to be at a cost. Sometimes, frightful as it may sound, the cost could even be your marriage.

You are your son's advocate as well as your newborns. If your husband can't find it within himself to give his wife and children a place to thrive, then you have to do it. Get rid of that houseguest dude and tell your nephew that he is now a man and he needs to start acting like one. You don't have to live in a mansion to have a nice home, but you need sanity and you need cohesiveness and that just does not sound like that's going on. Good luck, sweetie. I really feel for you and will be keeping you in my thoughts....

QUOTE(CHJH @ Jan 1 2008, 07:09 PM) [snapback]553503[/snapback]
Honestly, you are not overreacting in the slightest. I would be going crazy in your shoes. I actually went crazy when my boys were newborns and I had more space than you do, fewer extra people around, and I wasn't nursing (I gave up after 10 days...long story). Personally, I think you're amazing! You need to write a list of everything you need to stay sane. I'll even get you started if you like! Then you need to give your husband this list and politely but firmly tell him that you are not going to survive the twinfant experience if he doesn't help you to accomplish the things on your list.

1. Encourage houseguest to find alternative accommodations ASAP. Do not feel bad about this. Your houseguest is a total idiot and clueless if he thinks this is an appropriate time to stay with you.

2. Every day before husband leaves for work/goes to bed, the house needs to be reasonably tidy (toddlers toys picked up, dishwasher emptied, no dishes on the counter, garbages emptied, coffee table Windexed, bathroom sink wiped, etc.) and everyone, including your lovely but lazy nephew, needs to regularly pitch in to do a proper clean (i.e. vacuum every three days, old food out of fridge, bathroom cleaned, etc.).

3. The babies' mama comes first. If you're not happy, the babies won't be happy, your milk production will suffer, your toddler with rebel, all heck will break loose. Mama needs to be fed and watered every single day.

4. Arrange rotating, useful help with the babies. Send out a mass e-mail and politely request meals dropped off, someone to take your toddler to the park/indoor play area, laundry to be folded, etc. You need some help from someone every day if possible, for an hour or three. Your friends and family, even distant relatives, probably want to help but just don't know how.

You are at high risk for PPD as a mother of twins and you need to take care of yourself. You can PM me any time - I completely understand what you're feeling.

OMG...how I wish this was posted when my babies were newborns....my husband (who normally is very helpful) completely dropped the ball as far as helping me out and this would have worked wonders!! Fantastic...