Help! Crying

Hello,

I am a lurker with almost-5-week-old twin boys... and I love TwinStuff! So much great info and advice. Thank you all!

And now I need some of that wonderful help/guidance/reassurance... something!

My boys are really good most of the time. However, sometimes they both get to screaming hysterically and I can't meet both of their needs at once. I mentally prepared for this before their birth, but I am finding that I am having a really hard time.

For instance, I just gave them baths. I have to do this alone this week because my DP is out of town for business. I bathed Jacob while Jackson napped in the bouncy seat nearby. There were lots of tears as always (they hate baths) but then I thought he was calm so I put Jake in the Boppy and woke Jackson and started his bath, which means he started screaming. Then Jacob started screaming...and both continued to do so, borderline hysterically, despite my best attempts to console both while safely completing the tasks at hand. I eventually got both into the family room (where we sleep right now because it's easiest for tandem nursing...) and calmed down, but I worry about the impact of them not having attention and/or their needs met in a timely manner. It seems everywhere I turn, I read something about how you can't spoil an infant and all of the benefits of responding quickly to cries (self-confidence, trust, independence, etc.). I do my best, but nowhere near what I could do for a single baby. Episodes like this happen several times per day and they just break my heart-- they are still really small so I worry about how this affects them. Jacob's chin quivers, they turn bright red, both get truly hysterical. :cray:

Please, tell me how you made it through this period, until it is safe for them to cry on their own for a bit... if you have any tips, please share!

Thank you!! :hug99:

 

:hug99: You poor thing. First, kudos to you for trying to mentally prepare for two hysterical babies, although nothing truly can prepare you for that awful helpless panicked feeling at seeing two wailing babies and not knowing what to do. Trust me, you are NOT alone in that, every single twin mom has gone through it. And good Lord, you gave them both baths by yourself at 5 weeks??? I couldn't do that until like 3 months!!! Yay for you!!!
Around 4 weeks was when the colic kicked in for my two, and it got sooooo rough. You just have to remind yourself that you are only one person, you can only do so much, and this, too, shall pass. I worried too about not running to pick each up, was I damaging them or something ... but you know what, if that were true, every twin would have issues from mommy not running to their every whim!!!
Babies need to cry. It's OK for them to cry. Yes, you should comfort them as best you can, but even if you need to leave them alone for a few minutes to finish making your sandwich, go to the bathroom, or just gather yourself for a minute before heading back into the tsunami, it's OK. They will be just fine. They cry sometimes just to let off steam, not that anything is actually wrong with them. Colic was so terrible ... but I always tell people when they remark on how good my boys are, that they got out all their crying early on through colic. They would scream every night from about 6pm until 10pm, 11, whenever. It was insane but it passes. You are doing a fantastic job, Mama! It gets rough, but hang in there. You and the babies will be just fine.

 

Kendra just gave you some really great advice (thanks Kendra! :good: ) but I will tell you that mine still do this and they are one. I am surprised that DSS has never shown up at my house at bathtime to be honest. I have found that dealing with two wailing infants/toddlers at once does get easier with time. I am usually alone too and they definitely cry more around me (they are real Momma's Boys) but I am learned to block it out a lot. Sometimes I have to put them in their room and just walk away but I know that is ok. I need my sanity to be a good mom to them. And so do you. :hug99:

I know it's really hard to deal with even if you are prepared for it. I still cannot block it out 24/7 that's for sure. But it will get easier. Trust me. You are still in the dreader first three months, which to be honest was such a blur I can hardly remember it now. So see --- there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your chin up and come visit us more. Glad you love TS and it has been so helpful to you. That's what we all hope! :hug99:

 

Sweetie, there's only one of you and two of them. Just try your best to meet their needs and they'll be fine. You'll have two amazingly patient boys who are really understanding of each other's needs in the future! This is what I tell myself, anyway. The bad news is that 5-week-old babies cry a lot and make you feel like you're not doing enough. The good news is that my 4 and a 1/2-month-old boys hardly cry at all and are actually kind of patient!! You'll get there.

As for baths, mine weren't thrilled either until I realized that they needed the water temperature a lot warmer than I thought. I guess nobody likes a luke-warm bath (myself included).

You're a star for nursing, by the way!

Good luck.

 

I remember changing one twins diaper in the beginning - while the other one wailed from another room - and I would be in tears myself because I felt so terrible! Fast forward 6 months....and while it still bothers me when they cry - you learn quickly that you can only do so much - and as long as you're giving it your best most of the time...your best is good enough!

 

I agree with everything that has been posted. It is so hard at this stage. I remember that sinking feeling as they are crying and you are desperate to do anything to soothe them but it's just so hard x 2. I think you have been given some great advice from the pps. One other thing I thought of is to maybe put them both in the bouncies, set it to vibrate, shush them and stroke their cheeks. This worked on occasion for my girls. I felt like I was doing something by having the skin to skin contact. Also, are you swaddling? I would occasionally bounce both, one on each arm, once they were swaddlid nice and tight. Sometimes that would result in sleep. Good luck, it does get a ton easier. :hug99:

 

I call this "Mommy Triage" -- like a nurse in the ER, figuring out where your attention is most urgently needed. It has been the HARDEST part of twindom for me to adjust to, honestly! I was so sensitive to all my singleton's cries that it was like fingernails on a chalkboard to hear the babies cry.

They will soon learn that you will get to them as quickly as you can, and you will realize that you have the ability to calm them quickly when you get to them. And you will also find, as they get older, that they'll get more distinctive cries "I'm bored" "I'm tired" "I'm hungry" and you can figure out who needs you first.

In the meantime, I just kept experimenting with calming techniques -- my favourite was to swaddle one, put a soother in their mouth, and put them in their swing. Then I could take care of the other one, knowing that even if my first baby was crying, they were still safe, nearby, and given multiple ways to calm down. It helped me feel like I wasn't abandoning them. Sometimes I would put one in my Mei Tei backpack while I carried the other in my arms, but that got pretty tough when they were larger.

 

I am so impressed that you are bathing your babies alone already! :bow2: Mine are 7 months and I still freak out if DH isn't home by bathtime. You are amazing!

When the babies cry at the same time, just remember that you are doing all that you can do. Mine still get upset at the same time and on a really bad day, I sometime end up crying along with them. I don't know if it will work with your little ones, but when mine start fussing at the same time, I put them both down on a quilt on the floor next to each other. Then, I start talking to both of them in a very calming tone, caressing them, and looking into their eyes (if they don't have them pinched shut from screaming). It seems like just knowing that I am there calms them down enough to allow me to do whatever needs to be done (diaper change, feeding, putting to sleep, etc.) From experience, I know that my DS falls asleep quicker than my DD so often I have to allow DD to cry for a short time until my DS falls asleep. If I put my DD to sleep first, the time of the screaming would drive me nuts. You will figure out what needs to be done for your babies and yourself in time. Keep your chin up! It is never easy when both are crying (it is disorienting to me) but you will learn tricks to get through the time and will come to the realization that you are not causing any damage to your little ones!

Take care!

 

I feel for you! I went through a lot of that struggle with my first child, who had severe colic and would SCREAM all day long and into the night. I felt like such a bad mom. Although there are a lot of great things to say about attachment parenting (Dr. Sears, etc.), the fact of the matter is that babies cry. Even singleton babies! And this is okay. The latest "baby care" advice almost makes it sound like your job is to make sure your babies never cry. Impossible task! Really, it just means don't IGNORE their cries.

It was stressful around my house when my mom stopped helping every day and I had 1 older child and 2 babies to take care of and the babies would scream. I eventually decided that I needed to have the mentality that I'm running an operation similar to an orphanage. I love all of my kids and literally spend every minute of my time taking care of their needs. As long as I am in the process of taking care of their needs, I do not feel even an OUNCE bad about the crying. You will be frayed down to your last nerve if you stress out about their crying because they will cry at the same time DAILY, probably for a full year (probably more)! My baby will keep crying until I take care of her need because she doesn't understand that I hear her and will help her in a minute. But I don't have to stress, because I know that I'm changing her sister's poopy diaper and will be helping her out in a minute. The only time their crying makes me feel bad is when I can't get to their need (ex. we're on our way home in the car and they're hungry) or they're hurting. Heck, I don't even feel bad when they cry and I take care of MY basic needs (ex. bathroom trip).

Another note: babies don't have to be bathed every day. Even once a week is fine. Don't feel bad if you're not up to bathing them by yourself every day. Also: you woke a baby up to bathe him? WOW! You've got a lot of energy and determination! I think most of us are very much into not waking a sleeping baby unless it's a preemie with a set feeding time, or there's a need to protect their sleep schedule.

P.S. You mention when it's "safe for them to cry on their own for a bit". The kind of crying you're talking about is safe for them NOW! It's "natural crying". The kind of crying not good for them right now is the kind where they cry and you plunk them down in their crib, ignoring their cries completely and waiting for them to scream themselves to sleep.

 

My twins are two months old tomorrow, and both have reflux...I am by no means an expert (I think I'm going crazy half the time!), but this is what I do: for piece of mind, during their ultra-fussy time (around 5p - 8P), I make sure they're not hungry, that they have a clean diaper, and that they have taken their meds. Once I am satisfied that I have done all I can do, I don't worry as much when they're both crying and I can't tend to them both at once. You can only do so much, and there are certain things (besides all of their immediate needs) that must be taken care of, such as washing/prepping bottles, making sure mama gets to eat too, etc. Mine VERY RARELY sleep at the same time, so I've resigned myself to the fact that sometimes one (or occasionally both) is going to have to cry for a few minutes. And sometimes, after about two minutes of crying they will fall asleep. Other times, not so lucky...but if you just get to them as soon as you can, you're doing all you can do. I pray every day for God to take care of them in spite of me...

We'll make it through!!!!

 

Hang in there girl. My guys had colic and reflux, so we had a whole lotta cryin' going on. You can only do what you can do, ya know? I too had/have guilt about not being able to hold them both or care for them both at the same time. BUT, we have twins and this is just the way it is. We are all doing the best we can and that's the most we can do. You can't kill yourself trying to make up for something that you just can't do, kwim? It will definitely fray your nerves hearing them cry and feeling like you are constantly rushing from one to the other. Right now crying is the only way that they can communicate. Hold them both when you can and take advantage of holding one child when the other is sleeping or someone else is around to snuggle with the other baby. When you have more than one child (multiples or just multiple singletons), there will be times when you are torn between kids.

Remember that you love them both with your whole heart (not half for one and half for the other). THAT is all that matters.

And don't forget you are a good momma. :hug99:

Shannon

 

There is only one of you and you can only do so much. My boys used to get so upset and demand attention right away. Now they have mellowed out and realize their turn is coming. Just give them time!

 

You have received a lot of great advise. I just want to add one thing. When my boys were a few months old, I went to a MOM meeting. One of the moms there was talking about her twins who were about 7 at the time, and a cousin they had the same age. She spoke of how there were times when she couldn't get to the crying baby right away, and she was amazed by how they adapted. They shimmied across the room quicker then their cousin, because they learned to get something--a toy if they wanted it, rather than waiting for something that was inches away. She also said that in school, they were great problem solvers, where their cousin, who was a singleton and had every need met almost before she knew she had one, wasn't as good as the twins.

Once I accepted the idea that babies will cry at some point, I felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, and life became much easier!

 

My twins are 7 weeks and I posted something very similair to this a bit ago. I drove myself nuts with the same worry. I kept saying to myself, and to DH...if we had a singleton they would end up so much more well-adjusted as I could attend to all of their needs and our poor babies are always wanting for something or waiting and wailing because I can't do it all at once.... it broke my heart and I was convinced I was ruining them for good and they would never trust the world and on and on and on. DH finally ordered me to stop thinking/feeling that way and to stop saying "if they were singletons..." because they aren't, they are twins and there will be benefits with the negatives and we will all just have to accept it FOR WHAT IT IS - which, when you put it into perspective is just two babies crying because that is how they communicate and one mommy doing her best to understand and satisfy them all the while loving them so much it is breaking her heart. No one is bleeding or hurt and everyone is loved.

When it gets bad I just get everyone in my arms and say I love you I love you and that is all I can do right now. I say this over and over again and it makes me feel better and at least they know they are being heard. If I am changing one and the other is in the bouncy or on the boppy crying for something I just talk and sing to them so they know I am there. When I have to shower I put them in their bouncies on the floor by the shower and I know they are going to scream their heads off sometimes. I just do my best to sing and talk to them so they know I am there and they are being heard and I have accepted that that is the way it is going to be.

The weeks that have spent alone with the babies while DH is at work consisted of about 80% crying/screaming, 5% napping, and 10% eating. I swear one was always crying and little by little they are starting to have more "awake content" time.

It sounds to me like you are doing fabulous. I have had a rough time these first couple of weeks so please feel free to p.m. me any time with any concerns or vents.

Hugs,
Amy

 

I forgot to mention one of my best tricks - put one in a bouncy seat or other safe place and put the other one in your arms (cradle style). Turn up the music quite loud and dance, dance, dance. The one in your arms will be soothed (probably to sleep) then you can pick up the other.
My record is three straight hours of dancing. Lost my pregnancy weight plus 2 extra pounds by the one-month mark!!!!

 

QUOTE(TwinNirvana @ Jul 18 2007, 04:24 AM) [snapback]335561[/snapback]
I remember changing one twins diaper in the beginning - while the other one wailed from another room - and I would be in tears myself because I felt so terrible! Fast forward 6 months....and while it still bothers me when they cry - you learn quickly that you can only do so much - and as long as you're giving it your best most of the time...your best is good enough!


I agree with this post. It was AWFUL in the early days! That little cry...poor things. Agreed, that as time goes on, somebody is going to cry and you only have so many arms. I hope that mine are more patient than singletons, but I dunno - they sure do get mad if they want me and I'm tending to the other baby!

Take a breath and do what you need to.

Suggestion: if bath time seems to be a particularly fussy time, swaddle and distract - maybe a Baby Einstein video or mobile to soothe the baby.

 

i think that it is a multiple mommy guilt and we all get it. Hang in there and know that they will be fine and well adjusted it all takes time to get use to. Mine are going to be 3 months and there are days that i feel i did not get enough time with each of them!

 

Ditto to what everyone else said. I always did bathtime by myself at the beginning because I wanted to just try everything by myself so I knew I could handle it. I tried swaddling in the boppy and using a paci but that didn't seem to be enough. The saving grace for us is the swing! They love it! We have the fish price aquarium that swings in 2 directions and plugs in (woo hoo, no batteries!!) with a mobile and music and they LOVE it ... i put one in the swing while i bathe one ... then when the first is all cozy and dressed, I switch and put that one in the swing ... then the other gets their bath ...

At 7 weeks, mine did not love baths ... they didn't cry, but they sure were fussy afterwards. Hang in there ... I promise, it gets better!

 

Thank you all SO much! It is so tremendously helpful to hear your experiences and words of encouragement.