Help at home after the babies come

I'm 26 weeks and DH and I are trying to figure out what we're going to do when the babies are born.....I have a private practice and I work at home (I'll be doing very reduced hours for the first few months), DH he has a job (we won't talk about all the international travel!)


I'm 26 weeks with mono/di twins, and trying to plan for the arrival of our babies - I'm hoping to get some help from all of you who have actually done it!

I keep reading that the best thing we can do to survive is get some help, and DH's mother is willing to come for a while (not sure how long, mine can't really come because she's not well), but - I want to make this work for US.....

DH has a few weeks of vacation saved up; we're trying to figure out if it makes the most sense for him to take off full-time for two or three weeks, or maybe half time for six week...or some other configuration?

My initial thoughts are that I would like us to be together alone for the first few weeks w/out anyone else's 'interference' so we can bond as a family; these are our first babies...but maybe this is just me being sensitive to having my MIL (or anyone else) in the house as I try to adjust to having the babies around?

Other people have said that having a night nurse even for a few weeks was a lifesaver for them - but I'm feeling like I WANT to be with the babies at night - especially in the first few weeks when they're likely confused about what is day/night.

I keep going around and around in my mind and can't figure out what will be best; i don't want to leave it all til they arrive, because I figure I'm going to be so worn out with delivery, trying to breastfeed and generally being overwhelmed..

Thanks for any input/advice!

b

 

I'm 26 weeks and DH and I are trying to figure out what we're going to do when the babies are born.....I have a private practice and I work at home (I'll be doing very reduced hours for the first few months), DH he has a job (we won't talk about all the international travel!)


I'm 26 weeks with mono/di twins, and trying to plan for the arrival of our babies - I'm hoping to get some help from all of you who have actually done it!

I keep reading that the best thing we can do to survive is get some help, and DH's mother is willing to come for a while (not sure how long, mine can't really come because she's not well), but - I want to make this work for US.....

DH has a few weeks of vacation saved up; we're trying to figure out if it makes the most sense for him to take off full-time for two or three weeks, or maybe half time for six week...or some other configuration?

My initial thoughts are that I would like us to be together alone for the first few weeks w/out anyone else's 'interference' so we can bond as a family; these are our first babies...but maybe this is just me being sensitive to having my MIL (or anyone else) in the house as I try to adjust to having the babies around?

Other people have said that having a night nurse even for a few weeks was a lifesaver for them - but I'm feeling like I WANT to be with the babies at night - especially in the first few weeks when they're likely confused about what is day/night.

I keep going around and around in my mind and can't figure out what will be best; i don't want to leave it all til they arrive, because I figure I'm going to be so worn out with delivery, trying to breastfeed and generally being overwhelmed..

Thanks for any input/advice!

b

 

You have so many great questions and I know you will get a variety of responses.

As far as your husband...Without a doubt, I would have wanted my husband to take off part time rather than stay home at the beginning full time. THis is because as the weeks go on, I personally found my babies to get more challenging. At the beginning, they really do sleep more (not like you cant use help)and not like it is easy but thats is what I would prefer.

I know what you mean about wanting to bond...however, i think you can bond with other family in the house helping you! If your MIL is there you can take naps. My MIL came in the mornings and i napped. This save me so much! I never knew what sleep deprivation really was. There were times when i could not see straight anymore (and we dont have any other children to take care of either.) Also family member brought dinner and that was great! I really enjoyed having family around. You will want their help!

My mom slept over the first 4/5 weeks. This helped so much especially when my husband went to work (he was able to sleep when my mom and I got up). THis saved us from a lot of added stress! As far as a night nurse, it depends how comfortable you are with that idea. I looked into it and the reason i chose not to was because it just made me nervouse to have a stranger in the house while i slept. If i did not have my mom sleeping over, i may have looked into the idea more and just made sure I got references.

ABout you feeling like you will want to take care of them I have a little stroy. My SIL came over one night with her daughter to take care of the babies while my husband and I slept. I remember being in my room crying because the babies were crying and i wanted to take care of them. I remember thinking i could not go out to take care of them becasue that is why my SIL was here! I was an emotional mess! Looking back or of I was to have twins again, i wuold invite anyone who wanted to come over and take care of the babies while i slept and not think twice about it!!! THe only reaons i think you would feel bad is because of your hormones at that point!

I did not know how difficult twins would be. I dont want to scare you off either though because this is the best thing that has ever happened to me and the hard part goes by quickly but it is good that you are planning ahead! Best of luck!

 

Kudos to you for planning ahead. It is big help if you get along with your extended family to let them help out. I know you want to bond with your kids, and you will, but it sounds like you and your husband are extremely busy with work projects. You may find, as we did, that the best overall situation with 2 babies is 3 total caretakers. For us it was my husband, myself and the nanny. We all get things done, the kids are well cared for. The laundry and house are in order and we all get to eat and rest. You will still need groceries, baby supplies and a shower for yourself so the more hands the better. It is hard to be loving when you are exhausted!! My husband had to go back to work after 3 weeks and as good as the babies are we miss him at home! COngratulations and Good Luck

 

The first month or so you will have so much addrenaline that the night-time feedings wont bother you. You will fell like SUper Mom. But that quickly fades away. I'd save the night-nusrse until 4-5 weeks when the sleepless night will really catch up to you. Maybe ask MIL to come then to help since the babies will start to be awake more and you'll need more help. Babies sleep a lot the first few weeks. If you have a C_Section you'll need someone there to help you...maybe have hubby stay home 1 week at least. That's my 2 cents

 

I would go the part time route for your dh. Mine took off a week after the girls were born and then a couple days when Natalie finally came home 6 weeks later. If you dh can do part time, that would be great because you'll probably want to have a little bit of alone time with the babies, but I know that when I had them both home I couldn't wait until my dh came home!

As far as help. Our situation was a little different because we had one at home and one in the hospital for the first 6 weeks. So starting from when we had them both home, my mom and sister usually came over every evening and helped with baths and just stuff around the house. Without my family my dh and I probably could have handled it, but as we saw it back then we couldn't live without them! These were our first babies too and I was sort of anti-inlaw for a while, probably the hormones and the issues we were dealing with one at home and one in the hospital too If you get along with your MIL, I'd say she will be a blessing to have around!

Good Luck!

 

quote:
The first month or so you will have so much addrenaline that the night-time feedings wont bother you.


I beg to differ!!! We are just over a month and the nighttime feedings have gotten so hard to do, between breastfeeding both and one or the other being fussy, gassy, etc, sometimes its hours before one goes down and then the other is up ... last night I got exactly 2.25 hours of sleep!!!

I agree with PP that for the first week or so they pretty much just sleep and eat, they are actually pretty easy to care for. But after a week or so when they get more alert and FUSSY you will need some help! I'd go with your DH taking half-days, you can handle them by yourself for a while and it will extend his help to you. I had a C-section, was out of the hospital on a Friday and he was supposed to go back to work on Tuesday but I begged him for one more day and he went back on Wednesday, it was hard, I definitely could have used at least a little help during the day.

And I too was hesitant to ask for help and only finally broke down last week ... I figured what could people do, I am breastfeeding and don't really pump extra so they couldn't feed them ... finally after a night where I got hardly any sleep because they were both crying so much I broke down and asked my parents to come pick them up ... I slept for hours, relaxed, went to a movie with my honey, and got a FULL NIGHT'S sleep!!! It was amazing how refreshed and ready I was to face the boys again - you actually start to dread when you hear them cry, and after all the sleep and rest I was ready to take care of them again. So really, don't refuse any help|!!! Even if it's just someone to come over for an hour once a week so you can get out of the house to get a coffee, go to a park, or catch a nap or go for a walk ... some alone time is essential or you will lose it. I now have a friend who comes over once a week for a few hours and I look so forward to that time, and believe me, the babies are just fine.

 

My husband saved up his vacation. He had four weeks and took it all off. If I had it to do over again, I would have had him take three full weeks off and than two weeks where he worked half days.

We didn't have anyone come and we also have two other children. It was kind of crazy for a while and we ate a lot of fast food those few weeks, but once you get it down it is pretty easy!

Good luck!

Angel

 

I agree that if you have a c-section you will need help for at least the first week or so after the babies come home. Either having hubby there full time or allowing your MIL to come would be wonderful. You will bond just fine with the babies with other people in the house. Personally, I would have hubby take off the week after the babies come home and then have MIL come to help while hubby works part time for 4 weeks. Once MIL leaves, bring in the night nurse because you'll probably be in need of sleep by that time.

 

Please believe me on this one. I felt the exact same way as you do. I wanted to do it all ourselves and be alone with the babies. But after the first day alone with them, we were ready for some help. It makes such a difference having an extra hand there to help feed a baby, hold a baby, get food, get prescriptions, do laundry, clean, feed the dogs, whatever. You'll be recovering from the birth so it will be hard to get around (you might be in pain). The babies will be eating every 3 hours around the clock so you won't be getting much sleep. Accept help from as many people who are willing to come, and space it out as long as possible (don't overlap). I know you would rather not spend all that time with your MIL, etc etc, but she'll look like a saint when you need her! Have your mother come before your MIL. You'll probably feel more comfortable having your own mother around when you're recovering from the birth and getting started on feeding.

If your dh can do part time for a longer period, I would choose that because then he will be around more for a longer period of time. The days can be long without dh!

I really think if you have help during the day, you won't need help at night. My dh and I handled nights just fine by ourselves, plus night nurses are expensive!

Good luck and good for you for lining this up now!

 

I'm just going through this right now. I tried to plan a little bit ahead of time, but it was kind of hard because I delivered early and we didn't know how long our girls would be in the NICU. However, we ended up having the girls at home for about a week and a half before our help came. I actually thought that this ended up to be a good thing. By the time my mom came I had a semi-routine down and had already learned to be more efficient. Of course, I definitely stress that it was a "semi" routine and we're still working on finding out what's best for us. But, at least by the time my mom came I wasn't running around totally clueless (same for DH). My mom was here a week and then my MIL came the day after for 1.5 weeks. She left today and I sure miss the help already!! So, in my opinion, having some time to ourselves at the very beginning worked well. Having some help after about a week or so was FABULOUS, but I definitely wish we had my mom/MIL here for longer than we did! If you have family or anybody willing to stay awhile to help out...take them up on it!!!

My best to you.
Shelby

 

My DH had 2 weeks of vacation and he took the full 2 weeks after the boys came home. It worked great for us and by the time he went back to work, I felt comfortable enough to handle things on my own.
We never had the option of family helping out, but I say take it. You can always use an extra pair of hands.

 

quote:
Originally posted by kendraplus2:
quote:
The first month or so you will have so much addrenaline that the night-time feedings wont bother you.


I beg to differ!!!



Me too! We had a baby nurse stay with us 24/7 for the first 10 days so I could get over my c-section that I didn't even know I was going to have (although I suspected one). I wish I could have had her stay longer but it's all we could afford. After she left it took DH and I a good month to adjust somewhat to the night feedings. I was a wreck, so was DH. After they turned about 8 weeks things started to fall into place for us.
The beginning was SO hard for us. Before they were born I felt like you did, that I wanted to be with them at night. After they came and I saw how much pain I was in, needed to heal, etc. I realized that I really needed the help. I was very thankful that my DH pushed me to hire the nurse. She was such a great help to us and we still keep in touch. Our parents also came by every few days to take the babies so we could catch a nap here and there.
BTW - When they're so young there really isn't too much in the way of bonding (at least that's how it was with us) they just wanted to be fed and changed and they didn't really care who did it. The bonding really came a little later for us. Now that they're older they can tell the difference between us and other people.

 

I only had help the first 2 weeks. DH was home from work--the first with leave, and the second "working from home". The other thing we had was a night nurse. She was invaluable, because it allowed me to sleep while recovering from my c-section. Also, my incision was infected, so having her home, allowed DH to take me back and forth to the OB without having to drag the babies out.

By the time the 2 weeks were up, I was rested and healthy enough for DH to return to work, and to be left alone with the babies. And I was ready to have my boys to myself--and DH.

 

I say if you get along with your mother in law i say take all the help she can give you. My in-laws stayed with us for 3 months granted I have 3 other kids plus the twins now so I have 5 children. But they moved in 2 months before I delivered because it was to hard to take care of my 3 children and the house work. then they stayed a month after I had the babies. I did have a c-section so it was a longer recovery, but it was great. We are very differnt people and I didn't think I could handle them staying with us for so long but it was not bad at all. It has been only 4 days that they have been gone and it has not been that bad. But i say take all the help you can get.

 

My husband and I had a plan as well for the first few weeks. We didn't want anyone coming to our home and helping the first three weeks. It was important to us that we bond as a family and I am soooo happy we decided to do that. We were talking about it again today how glad we were to have had that time together, we loved it!!! I also didn't expect to have a c-section, as I went in for a scheduled induction. I delivered my son by c and my dd vaginally, so my recovery was difficult. I REALLY had a difficult recovery from my c-section. I definitely did not "bounce back" into things, it was hard. I thank God that my dh took off three weeks from work. He was soooo helpful!!!

NOW, with regards to food, we did have people bring food to us about every other day. That was awesome! So we didn't worry about cooking for about 5 weeks or so. God bless all those who cooked for us, it was wonderful. My mother came the fourth week, when my dh returned to work. She was great! After four weeks of help, I was by myself. I would not have changed a thing. You do what's comfortable for your family and I hope you have a healthy and safe delivery and a speedy recovery!!!!

 

I would get help either for the day or the night or both ....I had my mothers help for 2 weeks during the day and some at night up till bedtime. Honestly mother and I both were wore out from it all. The Life saver was my Aunts came to clean my house for the last few months of my pregnacy and for 6 weeks afterwards. That was one less thing I had to worry about.

It is a bit over whelming having twins and then Our house was like Grand Central Station for months and is still a hot spot on our hillside. But In the beginning we had distant family and my parents friends we hardly knew coming to see the "Twin's" as everyone called them. I couldn't blame my parents they wanted to show them off

 

I'd say have DH do half days after the first week (depending on if you go full term, if you have NICU time, that is another story). Then accept help from MIL if you can stand it. When she leaves, hire a night nanny. I felt the same way you did in the beginning about bonding and wanting to be with them at night...I never knew tired until the 3rd week...we had a night nanny for the first 4 months and it was the best investment we ever made! We were well rested and ready to take on the day!

 

Howdy,

Congrats on your upcoming birth! Ahh, the crazy days!! Your message reminded me of my questions early on. My intentions were the same (bond with just our small family, limit MIL visits, etc.) Here's what we did.

My husband stayed home for 4 weeks (he had the vaca time) and it was a godsend. it really allowed him to bond with the boys and he took an active role that was invaluable as I was trying to breastfeed and recovering from a c-section.

We came home from the hospital and made it one night -- I had my mom "on call" to come when and if we needed her (we were going to do the first week alone) I called her at 8am on the first full day we were home to have her come. Now - it was my MOM, not my MIL -- and she was Fabulous!! essentially hubby and I were the main care givers for the day and mom did laundry, cooked meals, made sure we remembered to eat and drink and held babies for us when we needed her to. Mom was there 4 days on and home for 2 or so and then back for another 4 days... it worked out well as we always had a few days on our own.

My MIL,FIL came a few weeks later for a 4 day visit and it was not the same. They wanted to interact with us (talk, be entertained) and it was stressful for me -- cause I just didn't have the energy to make small talk. And they needed me to tell them what I needed done, instead of just doing stuff for us. But, that's just my in laws and why I didn't want them to visit that early.

As for night nannies.. what a great idea! but I just didn't see the benefit of it early on for a few reasons..

1) we co-slept with our babies
2) I breastfeed the babies -- so I didn't see how a night nanny would relieve me since I was pumping 2x or more during the night to keep up with the needs of the babies at that time (I still pump, but I am always ahead of need these days)
3) They are really expensive -- and we used that money to hire a daytime helper for when my mom stopped coming.. which helped me with laundry handling babies when I needed to shower, etc.

You run on adrenaline for weeks after birth -- I'd save the night nanny service (if you really think it's worth it) until the 6 to 12 week mark when you are truly sleep deprived. The 2.5 to 3.5 mo time period was the toughest for me cause the boys cluster fed and got crappy from 3-6 every day. Luckily I had my hubby come home from work early those days..

If you're planning on breastfeeding, hire a lactation consultant early and have her come to your home the day you get there. They are invaluable in getting you on track to tee up your milk supply and feel comfortable that your babies are getting enough milk.

If your MIL just won't provide the "housekeeper" support -- then I say hire someone to do just that... it's too stressful of a time to have anyone around your house that interferes with your ability to love babies.

Good luck,

Teri D

 

I guess it depends on your mother in law and how you get along with her.
We got to take our twins home from the hospital two weeks ago and she booked a flight immediately to be here one week later.
I also wanted to have some time alone first so we can get to know our twins in peace and quiet.
The in laws have been here a week now and I'm hating every minute of it.
The babies are totally off schedule all the time and it's more stress than help.
And the constant advice she's giving to me is just annoying.

 

I would have dh take the whole first week off - then let MIL come and
dh go back part time!! My dh went back when the girls were 5 days old and I had just had a c-section - it was AWFUL - I had to be here alone and I was still sore- they cried, I cried - You don't want that!
your MIL will be a great help during the day - you can nap and get ready for the night feedings - and also if something happens that you are not sure about - fussy bab(y)ies, gassiness, projectile spit up,
any number of things newborns do - you will have someone there to talk to. and then dh will be home early so you will have him there
earlier for a while - I had my c-section 2 weeks ago and I am still not 100% back to normal and I am VERY tired!! I never got the adreneline rush that some get or did (do) I feel like super mom -
I feel like super - tired mom!! Twins are so Great and I feel so very blessed but at the same time - 2 newborn babies are not easy -
especially when you are sore and tired!