Help - Anxious

Hi all,
My twins were four weeks yesterday. I have a 3 yr old ds as well. To say I am worried that I am not bonding with them is an understatement. They are gorgeous but when I look at them I don't get that rush that I got with my eldest ds. When my ds was born I would spend hours a day massaging him, singing nursery rhymes with him, dancing etc. I can remember so many times looking at him and bursting into tears at the overwhelming feeling he gave me. I don't have this with these babbas and am feeling so guilty. I had a crying moment with one of the babbas in that I was looking at him and feeling so guilty that I don't have that gush that I burst into tears. I am not stupid, i realise it will probably come in time and this is what i keep tellikng myself but at the same time I am worried about what if it doesn't happen. I just don't have the time to give them both and the older ds is being neglected emotionally as well. I have tried to do stuff with him on his own like the cinema, story time etc but it just is so hard. Any advice would be welcomed,
thanksxxx

 

TOTALLY NORMAL! I had the same thing. Didn't feel that they were even MINE until they were 4 months old. Don't worry. It's totally fine!!! I'm sorry you're feeling this way but it will work itself out!!

 

:hug99:

I think that's totally normal. With your first, you were dealing with one baby's needs. Now you're balancing the needs of two babies and a toddler.

You love your babies and they know it! Just keep doing what you're doing, and don't focus on trying to make yourself feel what you think you're supposed to feel.

Hang in there--you're a great mommy and your kids know it!!!

 

Hang in there. It will come. I felt this way when I brought mine home. I have an older dd and I remember when I brought her home I felt so overwhelmed with love for her and then when I brought these 2 home it did not hit me like that. I kept waiting for it to happen and then I just realized one day that the feelings just fell in place for me.

 

Holy Cow, I was going to post something about this today. I did not feel "bonded" with my twins at all when they were born, it was more like looking at these two very tiny little aliens and wondering what I got myself into. We spent the whole first week in the hospital and I was crying most of that time.

Even once we got home, I kept feeling pangs of jealousy because my husband just "got it" right away and fell right into being Super Dad and didn't seem to have mixed feelings about it at all.

Well, you probably know where this is going, but gradually I started to bond with them. I used to have so many bad days with them, where i felt so frustrated and/or overwhelmed, and now those days are very rare. Most of the time we are having way too much fun to feel bad. I do sometimes still get "singleton envy" but it is rare, because my babies are so different from each other and it's so interesting to see their different (and usually hilarious) ways of reacting to the world.

Give it some time and do NOT beat yourself up. I read somewhere that if parenting was a sport, then twins would be the "extreme sports" of parenting. If you can do this, you can do anything. I have WAY more self-confidence now than I did before I got pregnant. You can do this!! Hang in there!!

 

When I was at the point that you are at, I didn't feel really connected to my twins either. I was so exhausted - I felt like a machine taking care of these two screaming babies who never let me rest. Not sleeping really did a number on me - to be completely honest, early on I had help from my Mom and mother-in-law so it was a little better, but after about 6 weeks I actually felt less of a connection than I did in the beginning because I had no help and was trying to do everything myself.

Right now though, I feel much more connected to them and the connection is easily as much as I felt with my 3 year old. I think it's because now they each have their own little personality...they smile at me when I talk to them and they babble back...we laugh together and have fun.

Once they start smiling at you it changes everything. I remember the first time I got up in the middle of the night - totally crabby and exhausted and looked down at a big smile staring at me...it changed everything.

I think you will feel completely different in a few months. It'll happen before you know it...

 

No advice, just wanted to send you some hugs.

Dianna

 

QUOTE(Dianna @ Apr 9 2008, 10:48 AM) [snapback]713503[/snapback]
No advice, just wanted to send you some hugs.

Dianna


What is this a picture of? I like it but what is the angle?? I'm just curious and trying to figure out how they are situated??

 

QUOTE(ivfbound078 @ Apr 9 2008, 12:24 PM) [snapback]713138[/snapback]
TOTALLY NORMAL! I had the same thing. Didn't feel that they were even MINE until they were 4 months old. Don't worry. It's totally fine!!! I'm sorry you're feeling this way but it will work itself out!!


Ditto for me on ivfbound's response - sometimes I would look at them and ask 'who are you, how did you get here, and how long do you plan on staying here'? It's so much harder when they're tiny infants and can't interact yet, smile, laugh, etc. Ours are 9 months and I have to admit that it only really started being fun in the past couple months...

 

QUOTE(molly12 @ Apr 9 2008, 08:22 AM) [snapback]713135[/snapback]
Hi all,
My twins were four weeks yesterday. I have a 3 yr old ds as well. To say I am worried that I am not bonding with them is an understatement. They are gorgeous but when I look at them I don't get that rush that I got with my eldest ds. When my ds was born I would spend hours a day massaging him, singing nursery rhymes with him, dancing etc. I can remember so many times looking at him and bursting into tears at the overwhelming feeling he gave me. I don't have this with these babbas and am feeling so guilty. I had a crying moment with one of the babbas in that I was looking at him and feeling so guilty that I don't have that gush that I burst into tears. I am not stupid, i realise it will probably come in time and this is what i keep tellikng myself but at the same time I am worried about what if it doesn't happen. I just don't have the time to give them both and the older ds is being neglected emotionally as well. I have tried to do stuff with him on his own like the cinema, story time etc but it just is so hard. Any advice would be welcomed,
thanksxxx


It will come in time. I think it must be harder with two babies because you are so busy attending to their needs, you don't have time to spend hours staring at one.

 

Felt the SAME way too. When my DS was born I loved him instantly and thought people who didn't get have that instant bond with their children were weird. I too would get that overwhelming feeling of love for him and just obsess all day about what if something happened to him because I loved him so much and just couldn't go on without him. Then my girls came and I didn't feel that same overwhelming feeling of love for them until sometime in the third or fourth month. It was then that I understood how someone could not bond instantly with their own child. I felt guilty about it (and still do to some extent), but I try to remind myself that my experience with the girls was so much different than my DS, when I could just hold him and gaze at him all day and he would sleep a lot and cry a little. The girls were needier, cried more and I couldn't just sit and hold them all day since there were two of them plus a two year old. So have no fear - you will bond with your babies, it will just take longer. Once they start smiling and being more interactive and cry less you will gradually fall in love with them as hard as you did with your son.

As for neglecting your older DS, I think almost all mothers feel this way about their older child when a second (or 2nd and 3rd) baby is born. I know I did too, but almost 8 months into it and my son is totally adjusted and loves his sisters so much that I know that if he could express it he would say his sacrifice in those first few months was well worth it. I think as long as you are trying to give him some one on one time he will be fine. Remind yourself that he'll be a more patient and giving child for having two younger siblings than he ever could have been as an only child.

So give yourself another couple of months and I honestly think you will be feeling better on both fronts

 

Thanks a mill girls for your response, very appreciated, i know it is normal but it is nice to hear your experiences and what some of you have described is exactly how I feel. Thanks a mill for taking the time out to respond. I know it will get better in time and it is a slower process bonding with twins, it's great to hear though it will come. Am sure it is a tiredness thing as well.....ditto on feeling like a machine!! best go feeding time in the zoo,
am trying to express thanks to you for responding but brain is not working...will try again tomorrow :icon_biggrin:
thanks again girls and sorry for the very mixed up response, head is tired xxx

 

I felt the same way when my boys were first born. I also have a 3 year old and when she was born, I felt so intensely bonded to her. With my boys, it was so different. I was so busy taking care of 2 newborns and a toddler that I never had the kind of time that I had with my first. With my dd I was so overwhelmed with unexpected emotion. Maybe that emotion hasn't gone away, it's just no longer overwhelming or as intense, but it's still there and it's what I feel for my boys. I don't know. Anyway, don't feel guilty- it's totally normal and it doesn't mean you don't love your babies or aren't bonded to them.