Help after the babies are born?

I don't have anything set in stone for help after the babies are born. I have a lot of people who offer, but I don't know how reliable. My MIL was here helping out for a couple of weeks when my last son was born, but know she has been hinting that she needs to get a job and she would do cooking, cleaning etc. if we payed her. I don't know what to think about this it is kind of a slap in the face. Times are a little tough here for everyone, so we don't have the money to pay her. If we did I don't know if I would. She has always helped out everyone and never asked for money. I don't know what to think. My mom lives up north and has offered to come help, but is not the most reliable person. I don't know what to do!

 

I live around all of my family. And, to be honest they will all offer but none will follow thru. My IL's also live around us and they will offer and they will follow thru. I'm already working on the game plan, like freezing dinners in advance to making batches of cookie dough ahead of time. Plus, I've really gotten into getting my house really in order just to make life easier.

Jen

 

1. Do you need help?... Well, lots of women have done it without help and they survive. My mom took care of a 4yr old, 2yr old, and infant twins with very little help...even after she hemmorhaged about a week after the birth. So you can definitely do it on your own...

2. Is it nice to have help?... you bet... my sisters, mom and MIL all took a few nights/days here and there during the first six weeks to help us out. I still had to get up for all their feedings, but dh got relief...and I got the chance to take an occasional much needed short nap during the day b/c of it. (I had a 20 month old dd to care for in addition to the twins...)

3. Would I pay my MIL for help?...No, personally I would not...for a variety of reasons. The first being that I personally avoid, whenever I can, mixing money with family...too many hard feelings can develop. Plus, if she slacks in her work you will feel even more resentful toward her. I personally would avoid answering those hints whatsoever. don't ask her for help when the babies come...and if she offers to help, don't offer to pay her. If she asks about being paid (which would be the epitome of rudeness in my opinion) then just be totally honest and let her know you really can't afford to pay someone to do these chores...and if you could afford to pay someone then you wouldn't burden her with such a physical job anyway.

having back up meals is a very nice thing. My church has a program that brings meals to women who have babies...it's mostly other young moms who make meals for each other when we each have babies! LOL... but it works nicely. If you don't have a network like that and you don't think family or other friends will bring anything, then I would definitely start stocking the freezer with casseroles or just other easy to throw in the oven type meals. That way maybe when your MIL comes to visit without a meal b/c she hasn't been paid, you can offer her a meal instead!! LOL!!

If your mom offers to come and help I'd take her up on it, if you get along reasonably well, and if she isn't the type to harp on the difficulty it's causing her. Personally, I have always liked a little family time with just me, dh and our kids when we bring a baby home...just for a day or so... I learned this lesson the hard way when I brought my first dd home to a house full of extended family waiting to meet the first grandchild/great-grandchild on our side of the family. Not a good idea... left me in tears the first night home...nice little set up for ppd. I just needed time to adjust to my first child and bf without too many "experts" around.

 

My mom is currently unemployed but she'd never ask us for money to help (even though she could definitely use it.)
That's not to say that she doesn't come with her own suitcase full of issues, but I figure I'm going to need all the help I can get. Good luck!

 

strait up..

after the first wk you really can do it on your own..
have your dh take off wk for a wk..

spend some family time together..

then do it on your own..

babies are expensive.. dont pay anyone to be there..
i did it on my own.. it wasnt hard.. after the first 2 days..

 

my family and dh's family is 1000 miles away and while i thought my parents would be able to come for a few weeks, my mom's health has taken a turn for the worse, so we have no family at all close to help. it's really scary to think that it's just going to be me, dh and our 4 yo to handle these babies! here is my plan: we will eat a lot of convenience food, we won't worry about the house (we do have a cleaner, but that's twice a month), we will continue to send our 4 yo to daycare/preschool, and we'll take any friend up on offers to come over to help. in fact, when i'm ready for visitors, i'll send an e-mail to my girlfriends letting them know i'm up for it, and hopefully they'll take the hint that i need help!

but you'll make it. as pp mentioned, lots of women before up handled mulitple kids.

 

my mom is staying with us for at least a week. and my IL's live 2 minutes away, so my MIL will be over all the time, as well. i just want help. i don't want direction on HOW i SHOULD do things. i hope i made that clear enough to them! :unsure:

 

I personally would not pay my MIL to cook or clean for us, I would hope she would do this out of the goodess of her heart to help us out.

If you can get help, definitely take it! My DH took off for 2 weeks which was great. After that my Mom helped a bit and my MIL a bit too, but nothing very consistent and it was hard. It is doable, but hard. I wish I would have lined up more help and let people know that I need/would like help. I too live around all my family and was a bit disappointed that more people didn't offer to help. I don't think people truly know how much more difficult it is to take care of 2 babies and people assumed I knew what I was doing since I have an older child.

How much time is your DH going to take off?

If you Mom can come stay with you, I think that would be great.

Heck, I would love help now some days.

 

I'm so sorry! That is ROTTEN of your MIL. She should be THANKFUL to be able to participate in the care of her new grandchildren. I'd just tell her exactly what you said, that you can't afford to pay her, but if she could help in her free time it would be much appreciated.

 

I know what you mean about reliability of help after! I would be totally ticked if my mother or mother-in-law asked to be paid to help! Talk to your husband about the comment and see what he says. Depending on their relationship I would ask him to talk to her about this and let her know how it makes HIM feel that his mother would ask him to pay her to help out with his new babies!

I also know about not being able to afford to pay someone! I definately can't either and have some concerns. My parents are 6 month residents of maine (where we live) and 6 month residents of Florida... They are planning to go back to florida about 3 weeks after the babies are born, and I ma thinking I might still need a little help since we too have another child! My husband's mother is 73 and although she would love to help as much as possible I feel a little awkward asking her to do too much given her age and physical health. I am thinking that maybe tryingto find a way to get a high school kid to come over for a couple of hours after school or on the weekends. Obviously we would have to pay, but not as much as what you might have to pay for another person coming in... I don't know if you have that abi;ity it will be tight for us even if we do. If you are involeved in a church at all you may be able to talk to your pastor/priest about getting volunteers to help.

 

QUOTE(summerfun @ Aug 2 2007, 11:51 AM) [snapback]354568[/snapback]
I personally would not pay my MIL to cook or clean for us, I would hope she would do this out of the goodess of her heart to help us out.

If you can get help, definitely take it! My DH took off for 2 weeks which was great. After that my Mom helped a bit and my MIL a bit too, but nothing very consistent and it was hard. It is doable, but hard. I wish I would have lined up more help and let people know that I need/would like help. I too live around all my family and was a bit disappointed that more people didn't offer to help. I don't think people truly know how much more difficult it is to take care of 2 babies and people assumed I knew what I was doing since I have an older child.

How much time is your DH going to take off?

If you Mom can come stay with you, I think that would be great.

Heck, I would love help now some days.


I don't really think my husband will be taking any time off. We own a painting business and it can be a little tough at times. The economy really stinks here right now, so any jobs we can get is a blessing.

My mom can be a little hard to deal with at times, but I love her to death. She has a drinking problem and I don't know if I could babysit her too!

 

QUOTE(TrinaP @ Aug 2 2007, 02:09 PM) [snapback]354706[/snapback]
I don't really think my husband will be taking any time off. We own a painting business and it can be a little tough at times. The economy really stinks here right now, so any jobs we can get is a blessing.

My mom can be a little hard to deal with at times, but I love her to death. She has a drinking problem and I don't know if I could babysit her too!



Sorry about your Mom, I was hoping she would be a good alternative. That stinks that DH may not be able to take any time off. I hope you can work something out.

 

I would not pay MIL to help, I personally think it is a little weird that she would ask unless she plans on being a full time nanny! I know women can do it on their own but you will be a lot happier with help. Nobody knows how they are going to feel until after the babies are born. Before my boys were born I could not imagine having family or friends invade my home and start doing things for me. Now I don't know how would have stayed sane without help. I have my mom come over two nights a week just to help with laundry and dishes while I take care of the boys, plus it is nice to have an adult to talk to. I also have my aunt come over once a week to give me a chance to just take a nap and relax. I really think you will want the help but I would talk to her and explain your financial situation, also my inlaws can't stay away they just want to be with the babies so she will probably end up helping anyway, she will want to see the babies, so put her to work when she comes :laughing:

 

My family and friends all offered help when I was pregnant but when the babies came over half of them ran. It's not easy but you can do it.

 

I'm a pretty strong willed person, so I think I will be able to do it. I'm just worried about the first month or so. I really want to breastfeed, I did for my other sons for their first year and feel like I won't be able to give them the same. Breastfeeding is really time comsuming. I am hoping I can get them on the same schedule and occupy my other 2 while I do. It would be nice to have someone around to help with the older boys during the day. I guess we will figure out something. Thanks for the advice and support.

 

It seems weird that family would ask for money to do something that is "normal" for family to do: come together in time of need. So I was trying to think of things from her perspective and here is what I came up with....
Maybe she was saying that she doesnt want to buy the groceries or supplies to cook and clean for you because she is low on money? If you talked to her I bet you can find what she is really trying to say. My MIL can be cryptic in her wording and I get insulted when she actually turned out to mean something entirely different. If you are uncomfortable, maybe DH can talk to her for you.

As for doing it yourself, YOU ARE WOMAN! Go girl!! I raise my three while DH travels. It isnt easy and it ISNT fun but it is possible. Good luck with whichever you do!

 

I am in kind of the same boat. My MIL offered to help when the babies come. I most likely will go to August 28th (c-section). It is the Tuesday before Labor Day. Well her and all of my SIL's are going to Vegas for a week the day after Labor Day....so much for that.

My mom wanted me to pay her too for help. We are pretty strapped for money especially since I am not working. I told her, "I don't think so." I rather do it on my own. She was supposed to be our nanny for when I went back to work. I was going to pay her then, but not while I am at home. I am looking into other childcare though. She tends to be very backstabbing and manipulative. She watches my 7 month old niece has put my sister through h*ll these past couple of months.

DH is planning to be off two weeks. My biggest worry is my driving privledges. DD gets dropped off and picked up by us for school. If I am not able to drive when DH goes back to work, I am not sure what I am going to do. Most family work and stuff. I don't really know any parents either and there are none in our neighborhood that has kids that go to school with her. Hopefully we wil figure it out.

April

 

Our babies are 1 months old and we do not have any help at all from anyone. It is hard, but it can be done. I find it easier at night if we each have one baby for the night. Some nights dh is too tired and I have to take care of both at one time like I do durring the day. It is hard, but it is not impossible.