Help! Advice for Having Newborn Twins with Toddler

Hi, I'm 28 weeks along with identical girls and have a two year old son (turned two in December). I am a SAHM and love the time that I spend with my son--he's a great little kid, we have fun together, and it's been a terrific twos so far with us. However, I have just finished reading the stories in the "surviving twin-infants" in this forum and am thoroughly more scared and worried now than before about adjusting to newborn twins. I know the sleep deprivation is going to wreck havoc on our household and my marriage, at least for a time. My husband and I are trying to get organized in the household and working on our communication to help prevent what might be the worst in those areas.

BUT I'm most worried about how to maintain a relationship with my two year old son: how to provide consistency for him, get him out to do fun things, how I will spend time with him? It scares me to death reading those stories from other moms of twins and hearing how incredibly difficult it was to get through the early months with twins, much less in addition to mothering another young child! I guess you'd say that I'm already grieving the loss of the close relationship that I currently have with my son--it makes me so sad to consider it.

So, for those of you that had newborn twins and a toddler(s), do you have any advice (or encouragement???)? Perhaps with how to organize my day or those helping in your household, in order to help make sure your toddler doesn't get lost in the shuffle and chaos???? Maybe I am overreacting?

Thank you for your help!
Diana

 

I personally do not have an older child, but I do have some relatives that have had singletons that have gone through this before. It's a bit harder since even less of your time will be able to be given to your son, but i believe the advice is still useful in this situation.

My SSIL's oldest child, a girl, is about 1 1/2 years older than her sister. She too was afraid she'd feel jealous and left out of the picture with a new baby coming home to stay so she asked her to take part in the pregnancy. She asked her to help name her new baby, which was a girl too, before she arrived. That way her oldest would feel like she's already claimed some responsibility towards this new baby. When Her sister was born, she would help fold clothes, hand over items for bathing such as shampoo, towels, toys, etc.... She'd help with feeding some times, though her sister was being breastfed so there wasn't much she could do other than be company for her mom. But she would help out around the house. All this would be to help her feel like she plays a role in her new baby sister's life.

I believe with new twins, you will need the extra hands. Maybe you can get your son to do some things to help out with the twins including having a say in the names. Maybe the middle names if you are already set on first names. You will not be able to count on your son's help every time, but by letting him do things for his new baby sisters (rock them, sing to them, play with them, etc...), he will feel like he is just as important now as he was before, but now he's a big brother to two baby girls. It's amazing what little kids like doing for their siblings. It will also help him bond more with them and they to him. Just make sure the things you ask him to do are things he can handle. Let him figure some things out on his own, but make sure you give him compliments and praise when he does anything to help out, even if it's just talking to them. That keeps their attention and can be very cute to watch. With his help, you may even find time to do things for yourself that you never thought you'd be able to do.

 

I was also really worried about that. My DS was almost 2.5 when the twins came. He was super with the babies and loved to rub their heads and try to get them to stop crying. He wasn't big on bringing me things (diapers,etc) but loved to show the babies all his skills (dancing, running,etc)

We tried to keep all of his routines the same. He liked when one or both of the babies came along to read stories or watch him in the tub. We had to do a lot of divide and conquer - on of us with the babies and one with DS. DH did a lot more with him than I was able to (I BFed).

When the babies were about 6 weeks, we both took him out for an afternoon at the beach - he loved having both of us to himself.

Any time he wanted/needed something and I could immediately help him, I would turn to the babies and say " you need to wait, it is Ethan's turn for mommy". There are so many times when he had to wait, this did seem to help him feel important - knowing he came first at times.

I think the guilt is inevitable, but giving him siblings is a marvelous gift.

Definitely get as organized as possible to decreased one aspect of stress once the babies arrive. If you will have help, try to spend a block of time with him without interruption - even if it is 20-30 minutes. I was pleasantly surprised at how well my son adjusted, hopefully you will find the same.

 

My older DD was 26 months when the twins were born. While they were napping, we were reading and playing. Also, on the weekends either myself or DH would take her out alone for some one on one time. That worked very well. Also as the twins get older, it will get easier for all involved to have fun together and still get one on one time. Congrats on your pregnancy.

 

it's really hard. no if's and's or but's.

The good thing is you are already thinking about how to address it. Just the fact that you are aware of your ds's need to not get lost in the life of twins is great.

My ds really struggled when the twins came. he was such a mommy's boy. We tried our best and still do to do special things with just him. Include him in decisions like what should we do today etc. I agree with pp's that it can help to include him in care of the babies but be careful about that too. It's important he feels like a big helpful brother instead of another parent. Let him help if he wants to, don't force him into it.

I'm sure you will do a great job!

 

It is going 2 be a tough adjustment on your son np matter how you try to work it out. Our DD was only one yr and 5 days when our
iD twin boys popped into our lives and it is tough- really tough! We try 2 have someone spend quality one on one time with her everyday without the boys and I have her help me care for them during the day. She sings songs while I change them, hands me stuff etc. I just do the best I can and try not to feel 2 guilty about it. Good luck, I know how you feel :hug:

 

I was in your boat... My daughter was 17 mos. when my twin girls were born. They're now 22 months & 5 mos respectively.

It's definitely been challenging at times, and there's definitely a lot of guilt. At 2, they're still a bit young to be "helpers."

My best advice:

ASAP find 2-3 people to start regularly spending "alone" time with your son, taking him on special outtings, or coming over to your house to play with him -- while you are there, but doing something else.

You need to prepare your son to have you around, but not be able to always interact with you. Otherwise, it's going to be a big shock to his little system. It will be easier for him to make this adjustment now, when the house is calm, then when there are 2 babies demanding your attention.

The reality is, you will suddenly have less time for him. So it's a good idea to foster his relationships with a few other key caregivers that you can then rely on to help him adjust and still feel special and enjoy one-on-one attention during the really busy early months.

I also HIGHLY recommend planning to have someone come in regularly throughout your week to help you with your twins if possible... Family, friend, paid nanny, whatever. This can buy you an hour here and there to spend with your toddler.

I personally find when I'm alone at home with the 3 babes all day, it's hard to have "true" one-on-one time with my toddler because if the babies start to cry or fuss, I need to attend to them. Which means I need to walk away from her quite a bit. (It's becoming less of an issue now that the babies are getting older and more scheduled, but still...)

In the past 5 months, I've felt at my most sane (LOL) and like I'm the best parent when I've had regular, reliable help, a few hours throughout the week. With twins and toddler so close in age, it's not realistic to expect yourself to be super mom and do it alone.

As an A-type perfectionist, it's hard for me to admit that. But there it is.

I also have found that getting help with the twins allows me to take my toddler on outtings... some away time for me, and an outting for her, all rolled into one.

I hope this helps a bit? Feel free to message me if you'd like to chat more...

PS - It's worth mentioning that my toddler has really latched onto my husband on and off over the last few months during times when I've been particularly involved with the babes. Does daddy have a good relationship with his boy? This will help...

 

Yeah, I've struggled with this, especially with my 2yo DD

Some suggestions to help:
-The first month-six weeks is going to be bad. Try to schedule a relative to come and take him to the park/McDonalds once a week.
or
- If you have friends with kids his age, ask if they can come and get him for a playdate. I had a hard time letting my kids ride in other ppeoples' cars before the twins, but they needed to get out of the house, and I wasn't going anywhere.
-When DH comes home, or if you have some help, let them take the babies so you can go into DS's room and shut the door and give him some undivided attention at bedtime. Just 10- 20 minutes of reading, cuddling, talking, and a "Good night, I love you _____" will do wonders for you and him, especially if you've had a tough day.
-Don't feel guilty if TV becomes the main babysitter/entertainer for a while. It is just for a season, everyone will be more active in a few months.
-Let the house go for a while. In other words, If you have a spare minute, don't feel guilty if you choose to spend that moment playing Candy Land, or reading a book instead of folding laundry.
-Take just him shopping, or to the library.
-Relax, You'll figure it out, Mom!

 

Thank you SO much everyone who responded with suggestions, ideas, etc. It makes me feel much better to at least have some concrete things to put in place to help DS, and us!, adjust. I know it will be a challenge, but thanks for the encouragement.

 

QUOTE(joyful noise @ Feb 14 2009, 04:47 AM) [snapback]1189700[/snapback]
-Don't feel guilty if TV becomes the main babysitter/entertainer for a while. It is just for a season, everyone will be more active in a few


Oh YES!!! I forgot about this one... Very true! I used to be anti-TV. It became a sanity saver for both me and my toddler. The free babysitter when you're alone with your twins.

I, too, felt guilty about using it at first, but it's true! It's only until everyone is more active!!!!

Excellent point....