He doesn't want any more children

Our boys recently turned two, that was the time that another baby was offically "open" for discussion, per DH. Now that we, I, am serouisly talking about it he just keeps saying NO!

I don't feel this is a discission he can just make, like an ultimatium, without some serious discussion. I know that the pressure of supporting us on one income and that possbility of another set of twins scares him. It scares me too sometimes but I just don't care. We did not think we would make it with twins and we are doing just fine!

Any suggestions? I can't make him understand my feelings and this is not normal with our realationship. We have always had a very open and communicative realationship. Communication has never been a problem between us so I don't know how to reaspond.

If we discuss it and TOGETHER decide not to have anymore children I can live with that. I have two beautiful boys and am very blessed. I just don't feel complete. I don't feel that our family is complete. How do I make him understand this?

I know if we were to have another child that he would love it as much as he loves the boys! I just don't think he can see that. He keeps saying how much fun the boys are and he doesn't want to go back to being exhausted and getting up all night.

I don't know what to do!!! Does anyone have any advice?

 

KIM (Time to update your ticker ) - I don't know how to help them see your side of wanting more children. Not sure what the arguments would be since I am not in your shoes.

I do want to point out that (as I am learning) a lot of DH's are under a great deal of pressure and tend to hide some of the pressure more than others. My husband feels a GREAT sense of responsibility in providing for us and it puts a LOT of pressure on him to make sure that he's the best employee he can be so that he doesn't risk losing his job. (Very common for layoffs in computer programming). While he's at a very secure project right now, he still doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize his good standing and that puts a great deal of pressure on him!! (That and traveling every week!!)

So, I guess, now that I've talked my way through it a little. I would find out from him what would make him feel comfortable adding to the family. Would it be you working weekends or something? What has to happen in his world to make him feel like adding to the family is a good idea.

Good luck!!

 

I could have written your post exactly. I have no advice just hugs as I am in the same boat. :hug99:

 

I agree with Diane's post. I also wanted to add that if he is worried about being tired and having to get up at night, that he needs to be reminded that the infant stage doesnt last that long and will be over before he knows it.

I hope that you 2 are able to talk together about it and come to a decision TOGETHER.

 

I am so sorry you are not agreeing. I never had that done feeling until after our twins were born.

Before we had kids I always said I wanted 2 children - ideally one of each. We had that and I think DH thought we were done...for a few days anyway. I knew in the hospital with our first DD that I wasn't done and wanted another. DH was happy to help :winking0009:


We both thought we should be done after our 3rd - I mean really, who would be crazy enough to have more than that :fool:

We kept talking that if we had more money, if we were younger, if if if....we would definitely want another but it was sensible to stop at 3.

When our 3rd was just over 2, we decided DH would get a vasectomy. We went on holidays 2 wks b4, knew I was ovulating and took full advantage of it. DH said what is the worst that could happen - we would have another baby and it would be great. Came home, got the V and 6 days later found out I was preg. Shortly there after found out it was twins. DH was thrilled & I was shocked :icon_eek:

It was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to us. We couldn't be more thrilled with our big family.

I know I am very lucky to have a DH who was in line with what I wanted.

I don't think you will ever regret having another baby. You could spend the rest of your life regretting not having one though.

I like how the PP said the infant stage is very short. Keep talking and be honest about how much you want this. Ask him to work with you to find a way to make it work. You may find that you aren't as far apart as it seems. He probably feels a great deal of pressure to provide and if you can ease any fears he may have, he may change his mind.

Sorry for going on so long. Good luck to you.

 

My dh had said from the moment we found out that we were having twins that we were done. When they were a little over 2, I broke down crying that I didn't feel done and told him my reasons. We concieved that night!!

Hang in there. He could still change his mind.

 

No good advice, since I think I am the one in my relationship who feels more "done" than DH. Just keep talking about it, make a pros/cons list, and keep discussing.

 

Communicate. Get him to talk about WHY he doesn't want more. Men do feel alot of pressure to provide. Many men are overwhelmed with this pressure.

From my perspective, I totally understand both sides. For us, we are both on the same page. My health sucks. His job is overwhelming. We are exhausted and we are so done. We've talked alot about it and have no doubts that we've made the right decision for our entire family. But if you aren't both on the same page, it could have serious consequences. I hope he'll open up to you.

 

Thanks everyone. We will keep talking and praying about it.

 

I'm in the opposite boat. Dh wants more and I dont. He doesnt pressure me, but he does make his little comments about wanting another one. But I just feel done.....

 

My DH was determined that we would only have 2 children. I really really wanted 3, I love big families and that was the perfect number for me. DH puts alot of pressure on himself to provide a nice comfortable life for us and he always said financially 2 was the magic number for us, unless of course we had twins the second time. :laughing: Which we did! Good Luck, I hope you can work it out. I love love love having three.

 

must be going around- dh and i had this convo yesterday. and today i am profoundly sad. he is not ready yet, and may never be. especially hard to hear when you are supposed to be 7 months pg. (mc in august). i know he needs time to "sit" with the idea, and hopefully we can find peace. the suggestions given here are helpful to me, thank you for posting this.

 

QUOTE(titania @ Jan 20 2008, 09:25 PM) [snapback]581716[/snapback]
must be going around- dh and i had this convo yesterday. and today i am profoundly sad. he is not ready yet, and may never be. especially hard to hear when you are supposed to be 7 months pg. (mc in august). i know he needs time to "sit" with the idea, and hopefully we can find peace. the suggestions given here are helpful to me, thank you for posting this.

:hug99: Many hugs again Helen!

 

:hug99: It's a really hard one and we're absolutely in the same boat. Even since before the girls were born I knew I wanted more children and he's adamant that we're done.

I do know it took my mother 6 years to pursuade my father to have another (hence the big gap between me and my siblings), I don't know what she finally said to convince him - I think it may have been something along the lines of being better for their existing two children as they were getting too spoiled by their grandma.

For us, I don't hold much hope. I've tried so many lines of argument: dilute the twin-thing and help them just to be individual siblings; help Tal not to be spoiled by being the cute little one (she gets ALOT of attention, even from strangers); help her not to be the one that's always having her toys taken from her (hopefully by the time we had another, the girls would be mature enough not to do that...); they're so caring and nurturing, they'd love to have a little sibling; being one of three is easier when you have elderly parents than being one of two; after twins, one would be easy; I could mostly take responsiblity when she/he is little as one is possible without lots of help; our sponteneity and freedom are already significantly curtailed, one more wouldn't make a huge difference; it won't treble the costs as the youngest usually inherits clothes and toys etc etc.

Can you tell I'm one of three and DH is one of two?
Anyway, maybe some of these arguements would work for you, maybe your DH isn't as stubborn as mine. Good luck.
lisa

 

I would LOVE to get pregnant again. Even my husband does not mind because we had talked about having 3 before we were married. Unfortunately, we had struggle with getting pregnant and after having our 2nd IVF attempt. We are truly blessed to have one of each, Rianna and Justin. I'm going to be 42 yr old this Fall. My chance are slim from getting pregnant "naturally". It would be my dream to have a "surprise" pregnancy.

Good Luck!!!!!
Diana w/Rianna and Justin (almost 16 mos old)

 

QUOTE(FirstTimeMom814 @ Jan 20 2008, 08:27 PM) [snapback]581107[/snapback]
I could have written your post exactly. I have no advice just hugs as I am in the same boat. :hug99:

Scoot over and make room for me, I'm in that boat too! DH says never ever again. So I think we will start trying next year at this time!

 

Geez, it's like we are all married to the same man. I want another child, DH doesn't. He felt one was enough, I always wanted three, and boom we had twins. I get so melancholy when I see babies. I know that we can do more for our girls if it's just the two of them, but I don't feel complete.

 

Is is so nice (maybe not the correct term) to know that there are others that feel the same way. We had to use IVF for our boys and still have embroyes frozen. I at least want to use those babies!

I am going to keep discussing and try not to get to emotional,(dh does not responed as well to emotion as logic). I won't give up!

I will keep each of you in my prayers as well.

Thank you all for your posts. It really helps to know all you have to do is reach out and there are others that understand.

 

I would love 1 more baby but DH is done. I don't blame him, we have 3 healthy happy girls. DH's main issue is our age - 45. I don't feel old - sleep deprived yes! If we didn't have to go throught the whole DE IVF thing again with the chance of another set of twins, DH might budge. But not the way things are. He loves our twins but another set would kill him.

My feeling is that if one person really feels strongly that the answer is "no" then it has to be "no". So I keep hoping and praying for a miracle .

 

I am hoping he will change his mind but I do understand that we BOTH have to want to have more children. If he choose not to I can live with that. I have two beatuiful boys and I am very thankful we have them!

THanks for all the encouraging words and sharing of experiences!

 

This is a hard topic and there really is no way to compromise in this situation. Right now DH and I agree that we are not ready for more children and I really don't want anymore, but I'm not completely against it in the future, just not right now.

I can only offer you the advice of not pressuring your DH. I had a friend that his wife really wanted another baby. They had originally agreed on only 2, but when they conceived twins, he figured they were done. She then started pressuring for another and he didn't want anymore. He had a list of concerns and his own arguments. She eventually ended up telling him that she didn't want to resent him for not wanting the same things in life and threatened divorce. He gave in and said they could try again. I'm not saying any of you would take that childish and selfish approach, but do think that just as you are feeling completely against it, that he always his feelings and concerns of why he doesn't wany anymore. Men are complicated creatures and who knows they may come around in time and if you revisit the idea later on.

 

Kimberly, since a couple of posters mentioned their ages, I decided to check yours --just to see how that may be weighing on you. I'm almost 42, so it weighs heavily on me when I consider another pregnancy. Good lord, girl, are you sure you want another baby at your age?! :rofl:

 

Okay, now for my serious reply. . Maybe you could agree to separately make pro and con lists and then get together to compare them. Another thing that helps someone get through worries is to literally answer all the "what if..." questions that go along with the decision. That lets the person see that most of those looming worries are things you really could deal with.

As a working mom (can't always remember who is and who isn't), I can tell you that the fears felt by the "provider" are very real and not easy to just put out of your mind. I had to return to work since DH was self-employed to have health insurance for the family. When I was sick, I was afraid to miss a day because I didn't want anything negative on my evaluation. If anyone ever seemed dissatisfied or like I hadn't surpassed their expectations, I worried I might not have a job. Mostly unrealistic in my field, but still. I felt like I had to be more than great at my job because my whole family counted on that job. Then there was never enough of me to go around at work or at home -- you know how that is!

So when he shares his concerns, pay attention. He's not just being materialistic. He may be like me and jumps straight ahead to wondering how long we could live off the food already in the pantry, what could we sell if we had to, is it possible to walk everywhere, etc. etc. etc.