Having twins is just like having a baby and a toddler

This is really a post for venting, but I'd to hear how some of you deal with it.

So in my country we're a very small twin community. But I've connected with the online motherhood community for support and experience. Recently I got acquainted with a mom who has a toddler, about 3 years old, and a baby a few months old. So she was asking for my experience with the twins and I was telling her that it's really not easy cause they're both the same age and the have different demands at different times.

She commented that "I know how it feels. Having twins is just like having a baby and toddler."

I tried to get her to understand that it was different. I have a 2 year old myself, and with the pair in my brood, I can SO SAY IT'S NOT THE SAME.

She didn't get it obviously and I eventually ended off the conversation telling her that she shouldn't say such things when she doesn't have twins at all. It's hard for me to get others to understand, because they don't have twins, and I know the only people who do are the ones who have them, and often offer humble advice. That comparison was SO UNCALLED FOR.

Have you ladies ever gotten similar comments like that? How did you deal with it and what do you say if it's someone who's relatively close to you?

 

I just smile and laugh really really hard to myself. Cause I'm sure have two babies needing a 3 am feeding is EXACTLY like having a three year old and one infant. HAHAHAHAHA!

 

I've heard many similar comments - I usually say something like "I expect it does have its challenges" & leave it. They aren't going to understand the difference because they don't have twins.

 

Ditto. I try not to argue (I mean, they're not going to say that they have it easier!). I don't like being sainted for having twins and I don't like being dismissed. I just want to be acknowledged and understood. :shrug:

 

Just remember--people want to make connections. That's how human relationships work. It's our instict to look for shared experience, so those comments, while so unhelpful are well-intentioned.

They are never going to understand (unless they have twins next). Depending on my mood and previous relationship with the person, I might point out differences. Or I might just let it slide.

 

I ususally don't say much to that comment I think a lot about it in my head but stay pretty quiet. My dh does not think about it in his head and has LOTS to say about it until the person who made it probably really regrets saying it LOL!!!! He starts out saying "unless you have a set of twins you have NO idea, not even a clue"

 

Well...I HAVE done both...my first two kiddos were 13 months 1 day apart...then 23 months and 1 day later I had a set of twins. So honestly people on both sides have no idea unless they have done both. For us personally the twins are 100% easier then two kiddos who have completly different needs. Just like now the hard part of the twins is having 2 toddlers pulling me in different directions when I am trying to care for two infants. And really I don't get why the comment is upsetting...there is some truth to it.

 

I understand the frustration. When people ask how far apart my kids are and I say 18 months I have heard "I had mine 18-19 months apart too, its like having twins"....well with my 3 being 18 months apart I would NEVER compare that to having triplets but...having an infant and toddlers (or vice versa) does come with challenges too! Although at 3 it would have been much easier welcoming a new baby than at 18 months

I usually just shrug it off and let it be...like pp said, its trying to find a connection and validation that their kids are hard too.

 

Thanks everyone for your reply! i do believe it comes from kind intentions, i've just been getting too many comments such as these, especially when they add on about how much EASIER my life is with twins compared to theirs (1 toddler and 1 baby). I have a toddler myself, and I know a toddler comes with challenges too.

But it was a good rant!

 

i feel the same way chrystal my sister the other day said she completely understood something im going through because she has three kids and i told her oh no you don't understand lol

 

I usually just respond that each has its own unique challenges. That having children at different developmental ages can be challenging and that having two who are the same developmental age can be challenging. You just can't compare. Sometimes I follow up with how I do not know the challenges a mom faces with two singltons since I just have twins nor can I compare twins to having triplets or quads. Usually they just want a bit of acknowledgment for the challenges they face with two singltons.