Having a really bad day? I feel out of control

I need some input. Any kind would be great. I have B/G twins that are 3 years and 4 months old. My day to day routine has been getting worse. My two don't listen to anything I say. I feel like I am just losing control, and I don't know how to get my grip back. Things used to be soooo easy up until a couple of months ago. I have now got to the point that I just dread the day as soon as my DH leaves for work in the morning. All **** ensues from that point on. It starts with breakfast. My DS likes to stand on his chair and throw his bananas on the window as soon as I turn my back. I tell him to sit down and my DD does it. I tell her to sit down. She puts her hands over her ears and screams NOOOOOOOOO SIT DOWN!! I tell her to either sit down and eat or go sit in your room. She will start screaming "Noooo go sit in my room". This goes on with everything ALL Day. They take each others toys and throw them in the washing machine. I have washed all kinds of toys. I have pulled soo much out of the toliet it isn't funny. They constantly tear my house up each day Every day. It never ends. My kitchen floors are sticky all the time with apple juice and milk stains no matter how much I clean them. My carpet has food crumbs that they drag from the table all over the place. I feel like I live in a barn with pigs. I might as well. Most days I can't even find my shoes. Some days I can find on, but not the other pair. :huh: They beat each other up. My DD will wrestle DS to the floor and have him in a choke hold. It freaked me out. Everyone complains that you shouldn't let your kids watch too much television. ..........I wish my two would watch a program or two, but they would rather tear things up. I try to get them out of the house to do other things, but it is always a battle and turns into a big meltdown in the middle of walmart.

I put them in timeout; it doesn't work. I tell them "no". They just sass back. My DH thinks I need to get a better hold on things because they are only going to get tougher as they get older, but I am running out of options. I hate yelling at them. I hate putting them in timeout. I don't want to spank. I just don't know how to get a hold of this situation.

I almost want to go back to work fulltime and put them in daycare.

Thanks for reading ....just feeling blue today.

You might wonder how I have the time to write this...........well I put them in their rooms and they fell asleep. I guess they tired themselves out. :banana:

 

:hug99:

I'm not there yet so no real life experience but you're describing every episode of Super Nanny I've seen. I know she's big into structure and it seems to work. You might want to watch a few episodes for ideas.

 

I'm sorry it's come to this. I think Debi hit on an important point. Super Nanny is all about structure, which is really all about CONSISTENCY. You're obviously going to have to lay down the law and you need to be consistent about it and it will SUCK while you 'retrain' them. They're older; they'll resist it, but you have to just suck it up and push through. Once they know you mean business and are going to follow through with consequences EACH AND EVERY TIME the incidences will be fewer and farther between b/c they'll soon realize it isn't worth it.

No kid is EVER a lost cause. You can totally do this, but I would certainly read up on a few parenting books for tips/expectations for your specific age and also make sure DH is on board with all the rules and willing to reinforce them also.

Good Luck!

 

It is a tough time, and they are pushing their bounderies. One of the reasons I always say that preschool was so good for mine, it gave us all a break from each other!

Anyway, I would start at mealtime. If they throw food, they are done eating. Don't argue, explain it before they sit down. The key is not to yell, not to fight with them. Tell them, rule #1, we don't throw food. If you throw food, you are done eating, and there is nothing until the next mealtime. Also, don't make food available all day, they will quickly learn to sit nicely and eat, or they don't eat at all. Sounds easier than it is, but if you are clear, and don't yell or fight with them, they have to comply. They are looking for attention, and don't understand the difference between negative and positive attention.

As for their play during the day, create a reading time, or craft time, or outside time. Once they know what they can expect to happen, their behavior should improve dramatically!

Good luck!

 

I agree with the pp's. I think you need a set routine and firm bounderies that you follow through with every time. I like the idea of looking at a couple of parenting books; I read them and they generally give more specific examples of what to do in different situations you encounter.

I just wanted to add that even though you said it is hard to get out with them it might be well worth the effort if you have somewhere you could take them to blow off steam. Like a park with a playground or fenced-in area where they could charge about. I also think they could benefit from a couple of days at preschool or a playgroup. It would be a different environment and you could consider putting them in separate classes to give them a break from each other.

 

I think the PP hit the nail on the head. There needs to be set rules and it isn't going to be easy. From working with kids all day teaching to having my almost 3 yr olds, they all like structure. Free play is great, but yours seem to go overboard.
Have a craft to do...macaroni pictures, painting...etc...
Food time, I like the idea above. You eat, great. You don't or throw, tough. No more food.

Hang in there! :hug99:

 

Someone mentioned SuperNanny. Watch her , do what she does. Saved my sanity more then once. Major thing she pushes it do not let them disrespect you ever. If they toss food...remove them and put in the naughty corner/or whatever name you can think of. At 3 naughty corner works. I use it. I'd suggest not sending your dd to ehr room , she wants that.
Start the day with one rule...no disrepecting mommy. They'll fight you since its new. Run from the corners can be insane but stick to it.

 

My guys are younger, but I feel like I'm right where you are and about to snap! I'm trying to set rules just like PPs said. Just this morning, I had them sit down in their chairs to eat, and if they got up, I took away their food. Sure there was some crying (and my dumb-@#$ DH said...just give it to him...but that's a different vent) but that is the rule. You sit, you get to eat. You get up, you don't. Period. End of story. It will take awhile for them to figure this out, but it does work. Morgan figured out pretty quickly this morning and he would sit right back down. Of course Jonah did not and he didn't eat much breakfast this morning. I keep trying to remind myself that they really have no clue how to act, so they're just trying things their way. I would definitely recommend getting them outside if you can to run around. Or set up some activities to do during the day to keep them preoccupied. My guys get bored quickly, and I'm just now figuring out that we need stuff to fill these empty spaces or they will tear up the house just trying to find something interesting. KWIM? I'd see if DH can give you a break one night so you can go out for a little while to regain your inner strength. I know I NEED a break too! Sometimes it's hard to have perspective when you're in the pit all day. (((HUGS))) Shannon

 

:hug99:

I think it is partly the age. My two are about the same age as yours and I have defintely noticed a change in attitude the last few months. I've just decided not to put up with it. I have been using 1-2-3 Magic for discipline but with the "attitude" problem, I've been giving one warning and then it's off to timeout ("You can't talk to Mommy that way. Do it again and you will go to timeout"). Things like hitting (hitting, biting, pushing, kicking, etc. My kids can list them ) cause an immediate timeout. Initially neither kid would stay in our designated timeout chair but I would keep putting them back until they did stay like is done on Supernanny. Definitely not an easy thing to do but both kids are pretty good now about staying in timeout. I haven't had the food throwing problem but think that would be a cause for immediate removal (of kid and food).

Like PP have said, I think they are testing the boundaries. And sometimes Mommy really hits her limit. My two are in a preschool program that meets for an hour and a half twice a week. Not a lot both it does give us a break from each other.

 

QUOTE(i4get @ Feb 23 2008, 08:40 AM) [snapback]637134[/snapback]
My guys are younger, but I feel like I'm right where you are and about to snap!



Hey, Shannon.

I just wanted to tell you that I thought I would lose my mind from 16-21m. Those were VERY hard months. IMO, kids under twoish aren't really old enough to understand cause-effect, which makes consequences pretty useless.

I repeated myself about umpteen billion times for every 'we don't..." and leaned on some hard core redirection. For things they couldn't handle (like staying seated), we didn't even bother the argument...we just strapped them into their high chairs. Now, at 23m, we still have the straps on the high chairs, but we don't use them. Now the rule is, if you stand up in your chair during a meal, you sit back down or you get strapped in. I NEVER have to enforce this with Joe, Nick needs a reminder about once a week...and gets "strapped" once a month? It's getting less and less.

Anyhow, hang in there...'discipline' is an exercise in futility at that age!

 

My twins are 3 years 8 months and I can feel your pain and frustration! I have to say with consistency and a miracle we survived the Horrendous Threes and are sailing fairly smoothly to 4. Things started to turn around at 3.5 years.

My suggestions ( I used to be a special ed teacher so I tried some classroom tricks):

Do you have a daily schedule? This way they know what to expect everyday. No surprises = less tantrums. ( not none sadly) We have been off of our schedule for the past month due to Mia being born, the flu and Mia being hospitalized for the flu and I can tell you we have lost all control again. DH even said no more grandparents for a while because the kids are acting so badly. We are two days back into our routine and they are actually listening.

OUr schedule is something like this:
7am TV time
8am Breakfast
8:30am Dressed, brush teeth, etc.
9am Either leave the house for a morning activity or free play until we leave
12:30 Lunch
1:30 Computer time
2:15 Play with puzzles, games, etc.
3:00 Read books and nap
4:30 Snack
4:45-6 Summer time we are outside but it is winter here so I have a craft closet. I will start them painting, coloring, stickers, PlayDoh, etc and then watch them while I cook dinner.
6ish Eat Dinner and help clean up the house
7pm Get ready for bed and Tv time if all chores are done.
8:00 Books and bedtime

I have found with DS that if he is occupied he is much better bahaved. So, he helps with the laundry, setting the table, clearing the table, recycling, etc. He enjoys it and it keeps him out of trouble.

Time outs seem to have lost their effectiveness here too! I now send them to their room for time out which they do not like at all.

Fighting......I have one play upstairs and one downstairs. They HATE being seperated and end up wanting to play nicely together.

Whining has been particularly bad here. I tell them I can't understand them when they whine and they need to try telling me again.

I would also recommend a Positive Sticker Chart. Pick two or three behaviors that you really cannot stand or that you want to reinforce (i.e. not throwing food, cleaning up toys, brushing teeth, combing hair (preferably without whining)) At the end of the day or activity let them put a sticker on a chart if they complete the activity. Then, pick a reward that works for each of them individually. It could be extra TV time, computer time, special time with mom or dad alone, etc.

This is a hard age! I have other friends with twin three year olds and we ALL say the same thing. Talking with them makes me feel much better. At least someone is listening to me and I'm not yelling

(((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Tracy

 

Thanks for those suggestions Tracy!

I am going through something similar. My 4 year olds are crazy, crazy, crazy. DH and I have always been on the same page with consistancy and discipline and the boys were great up until they turned 3. I think part of the problem is that we are a little too rigid, and we need to loosen up a bit.

We ALWAYS follow through on whatever consequence they are faced with, but lately they just don't seem to care. They are wild and rambunctious. They have been disrespecting me and just not listening. When one goes into timeout (which is on the bottom step) he'll stomp his feet continuously and give a nasty look. This action gets him a time out in the dreaded blue room (which is just our guest room that is painted blue and has only a bed in it), where he will then cry and kick the wall while laying on the bed. I tell them that timeout doesn't start until crying and kicking stops. This usually works, but the stress of the whole situation infuriates me. Why can't he just sit on the step...why does it always have to escalate to the blue room? Should I just send him to the blue room from the start?

Fortunately, my other son doesn't care to press my buttons all that much, but you get the two of them together and they end up hitting each other, crying, screaming, fighting. Multiple times a day. One day, they were fighting over whose turn it was to CRY. They do things they know they're not supposed to do. In addition, my one son is always telling me I am wrong when I answer his questions.

They wake at 7am, still take great naps and go to bed around 8 pm. I don't understand why we have these battles every day all day. I feel like I am constantly yelling at them for not listening or doing things that they aren't supposed to do. Are my expectations too high? This is so frustrating because I feel like we've set reasonable boundaries and that they understand the consequences of going outside those boundaries, but for some reason they no longer care.

I want to implement a reward chart and someone had what I think may be a good idea. Each day she puts 5 stars on a dry erase board. Bad behaviors get a star taken away, good behaviors get a star added. All the kids share the same 5 stars. At bedtime, the stars are counted and a bedtime story is read for each of the stars. I'm going to try this out, along with Tracy's suggested daily schedule to see if there is an improvement.

It really makes me sad that I daydream about getting a job to get away from it all. DH tells me he's jealous that I get to stay home, but the truth is that I am jealous that he can go to lunch, get a haircut, stop and do errands in peace and without having to make arrangements. I know "the grass is always greener" and if I was faced with going back to work I know I wouldn't do it. It's just hard because I couldn't wait to have these babies, and couldn't wait to stay home and be a mom, and I feel tremendous guilt that I am complaining and not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. It is so much harder and mentally draining than I ever thought it would be.

 

QUOTE(twinsandgreys @ Feb 26 2008, 10:37 PM) [snapback]642243[/snapback]
It really makes me sad that I daydream about getting a job to get away from it all. DH tells me he's jealous that I get to stay home, but the truth is that I am jealous that he can go to lunch, get a haircut, stop and do errands in peace and without having to make arrangements. I know "the grass is always greener" and if I was faced with going back to work I know I wouldn't do it. It's just hard because I couldn't wait to have these babies, and couldn't wait to stay home and be a mom, and I feel tremendous guilt that I am complaining and not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. It is so much harder and mentally draining than I ever thought it would be.



This is word for word how I feel day to day. I couldn't have put it into words so well.

Thank you everyone for your ideas. Things are still the same as usual. They are so resistant to discipline. I do think they get bored, and it is up to me to get them out more. The day seems to flow better going out even though they have meltdowns when we go out.

 

Holy Poop! Serves me right for reading the 1-4 year board when mine are only 9 months. Can I just keep them this age?

 

QUOTE(twinsandgreys @ Feb 27 2008, 03:37 AM) [snapback]642243[/snapback]
It really makes me sad that I daydream about getting a job to get away from it all. DH tells me he's jealous that I get to stay home, but the truth is that I am jealous that he can go to lunch, get a haircut, stop and do errands in peace and without having to make arrangements. I know "the grass is always greener" and if I was faced with going back to work I know I wouldn't do it. It's just hard because I couldn't wait to have these babies, and couldn't wait to stay home and be a mom, and I feel tremendous guilt that I am complaining and not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. It is so much harder and mentally draining than I ever thought it would be.


Another poster here who feels like this right now!!! I was just thinking of posting the same thing. It can be so challenging, lonely and boring to be a SAHM.

 

I work full time, and wonder if things would be better if I didn't. I guess not! It is sad that I feel this was too and I am away from them during the day. I feel tremendous guilt because my most stressful times are the mornings and the evenings, and that is when I am at home and should be de-stressing from work! I am glad to see though that I am not the only one that feels like this. Mine are not bad kids, but they are really starting to 'try' me lately. My DH is a fireman, so he has 24 hour shifts at least 2 days a week. My oldest is in first grade, and I feel so bad for him because the only time I get to pay much attention to him is when i am helping him with homework, which is not an easy task when twins are not wanting me to help him. I feel like he is not excelling as well as he should in school because I don't have the time to devote to him.