Have you started "individual time" with your twins?

I'm talking about spending one-on-one time with one while someone else cares for the other. Yep, DH is getting more "helpful" advice from singleton parents again. I'm sure it's important at some point but I honestly think that they'd be upset and distracted by the absence of the other (they ask where their brother is if he's gone for more than a minute).

 

I tried to start doing this a couple of months ago, like take one to the store with me and leave the other with DH and it didn't go well. My one DD flipped out everytime saying we forgot her sister. I have heard that at this age it can be difficult and to try after they turn 3. I don't know if that is true.

 

DH started taking the girls on "dates" about 6 months ago, so they were 2.5 yr old. One night at dinner he explained that he wanted to take each of them out "all by them selves". First one, and then tomorrow would be the other's turn. The 1st time, the child left at home with mom, cried and cried, but he bought a special treat for each child. And I pulled out the special bubble bath or nail polish, or dry erase markers. When he takes Rachel, he buys a treat for R and A. When he takes Alexis, he buys a different sort of treat for A and R. So the expectation of a small treat helped ease the pain of being stuck home alone. Sometimes it's just take each child for ice cream, and he does it back to back. So each date is like 30 min. Longer dates mean going to the mall and riding the carousel or going to the candy store, or even a trip to Walmart's toy aisle (per child's request). LOL.

I like "dates" for 2 reasons. Primarily, I like it because I get 30-90 minutes of individual time with a child so we get to talk without interruption from the other, and we can work on certain skills together. I use it to work on fine motor skills with Alexis. Secondary reason is that it subconsciously teaches the girls how to behave on dates, and gives them special time with their daddy.

So , yes, we do individual time at least once a month. DH rotates dates -- A, R, and finally we get a babysitter and the 2 of us go out too.

 

We try, but mainly just for errands here or there. But the kids really, really cannot stand to be left behind if I am the one leaving. They are fine if DH takes one or the other. But when I do it, it ends in tears. So this is something that DH has really had to pursue to make it work. So for example, today he took Hannah out for a bike ride, while Ben and I stayed home and did puzzles.

One thing that we have also done in the past couple months, is let them each take their own class (Hannah in dance and Ben in karate). While Ben did not have quite the level of success we hoped for (he did not like being separated from Hannah), Hannah loved it. So now she is in dance, and I get to spend that hour one on one with Ben. Having them in their own activities is important to me!

 

Deb, I am getting a request from Ali for this. She'll ask if she can go with me "without Martin". I am TRYING, but it's hard!! (Jim travels Mon-Fri) I'm trying. She is really in a MOMMY phase right now!

They didn't ask for it before now! I do think it's valuable at a certain point, but I waited for them to let me know. If you can divide and conquer from time to time, I think it's a good idea! :hug99:

 

We do it already, but I think it seems natural to us because we're used to spending one-on-one time with Nadia. Also, my DH is home during the day, so it's easy for me to leave two kiddos with him, and take one out by myself....

We haven't done anything exciting, mostly errands -- I love taking Karina to the grocery store, because she just loves to sit in the cart and look at everything. Kevan will just climb out, so there's no point in taking him.

And actually, I get some one-on-one time with Kevan because Karina often takes a second nap, while Kevan usually doesn't -- so, I hang out and play with him.

I can't imagine they'll get *real* individual time, though, until they're old enough to develop their own interests -- which I'm guessing might happen sooner for B/G twins.

 

We've talked about this a few times at my twins Mom's Night. I think I'm about the only one who's really benefited from it; mine really do need a break from each other every once in awhile. The other moms who've tried it mostly said their kids cried for the other one.

 

We have done it here for errands and such. When I only have one I think WOW this is so easy!

 

We're just about to start doing this. Well, we've been talking about it at least. I'm not ready (and I don't think they are either) to take them out of the house individually, so we'll take baby steps. Their room/play room is down stairs and the living room/pre-school area is upstairs. DH and I are going to start taking one baby each on different levels of the house to play or color or whatever. Just a few days a week and just for 30 minutes or so at first. Then we'll go from there. I'm kinda excited about this plan. I think it will be great bonding time for all of us.

 

I started with weekend errends when they were infants. I think the earlier the better--especially if they have a hard time being apart. At some point they will have to get used to it, and it is much easier for them when young than if you wait for them to be in school. I met a mom once who told me that her Kindergarteners couldn't even go to school without each other--like if one was sick, the other would "have" to stay home. She did blame herself for never giving them the opportunities to be apart from each other.

 

I have tried a couple of times, but my boys either need mommy or their brother.... if they don't have one of us they are heart broken. So, I try to spend time with them alone while they ar playing. Simon will go upstairs and I will play with Bryce or Bryce will read a book and I can play with Simon.

DH is able to take just one out and leave the other and there is absolutely no problem. They like going with Daddy by themselves and Daddy would rather just take one anyway because it is faster than 2.

 

We haven't done it much unless it was one needing to go to the dr. not the other.
Sometimes one wants to take the dog on a walk, and the other doesn't...so if both of us are home, we will separate.

 

similar to others', mine seem ok on the rare occasion that DH takes one out (like every 6 weeks or so he'll take cameron for a haircut, and alisha doesn't mind this at all) but if i try to take one and not the other all hell breaks loose. i really like kate's suggestion of different classes. i think that would be really good for my two, and they do have different interests (cam loves sports, alisha would love a dance class). i'm just not sure how i would work that logistically . . .

i do think mine need to learn to be without the other, because they are so attached, but i hope that will just naturally happen with time. wishful thinking maybe . . .

 

We've done it a couple of times for errands. Mine are younger though so even though Meara will look at the empty car seat and say "ANA?!" she doesn't get upset that Ana isn't there. Ana LOVES having alone mommy or daddy time so she never asks for Meara.

 

Does the attachment to each other come later when they are older?? Mine don't seem to have that at all. When they are separate - which isn't often at all - they don't seem to notice that their twin is missing!

 

We started when they were about 6 months old at the advice of our PED. Each Saturday Daddy takes one to run errands and I take the other one to breakfast or something similar. On Sunday he takes the other one to the park and I get to play on our bed (A favorite past time here) with the other.

 

I split them up alot. Especially for errands. Mostly because I think it's easier for MIL to have one instead of both (well, when they were babies anyway. Now it's not so hard). They like being with just mom, just grandma, or just dad. And then they are so excited to see each other when reunited.

 

QUOTE(sunshinetwins @ Aug 14 2008, 07:15 AM) [snapback]929843[/snapback]
Does the attachment to each other come later when they are older?? Mine don't seem to have that at all. When they are separate - which isn't often at all - they don't seem to notice that their twin is missing!

Ours have been attached from very early on, so I suspect it is just different for different kids. The first time we noticed was when we had to take Porter to a PT appointment, but Bridger had already been released from PT. So I took Porter and DH stayed home with Bridger. This was at about 6 months, and they both just cried the whole time. Every few minutes, they would each scan the room and when there was no brother, continued crying. We actually had to reschedule PT and bring Bridger the next time because she couldn't get anything done.

Last week, they were both outside playing, and I had an eye on Porter and my mom on Bridger. Porter decided it was time to go inside, so he walked to the door and I went in with him. Bridger continued playing for a few minutes, but then looked around the yard, looked up at my mom and said 'Porter?' Mom said that Porter had gone inside, and Bridger could not have gotten to the door quick enough. He had no interest playing outside if Porter wasn't out there.

Next week, Porter has to have hernia surgery, and I'm honestly more worried about having to leave Bridger at home without Porter. I expect he's not going to have a very good day!

We do want to do alone time, but I don't feel the need to do it if it's going to be scary and traumatic for them. I'll wait until they want to do it and feel comfortable with it.

 

We've done this, probably about once a month, for about a year now. Mine are almost 2.5 years old. I think it really is "good" for both kids and for each parent to have that one-on-one time together -- they have to share so much, that this is a bit of something they do NOT have to share with their twin. Sometimes, the kid left at home (or leaving last) will get a bit upset, but that passes fast. Its also fun to watch them try to "tell" each other what they did (or what happened) while they were apart!

I think I've read in "twin" books that its useful developmentally, too, particularly for a twin that is a bit behind the other sibling in speech or other skill development.

We are looking to try to do this more often -- not sure how that will work out, but we are going to try.

Meg

 

We really like to do this, and I agree that it's good for them. (It's good for me too -- I love being able to focus on just one child.) We do it in minor ways, like I take one to the grocery store while DH takes the other to the car wash. It doesn't freak the girls out because they're used to it (and probably also because of daycare -- they're not just with each other all the time normally).

At your boys' age, you could make it explicit why you're doing it -- "This is my special time to spend with you alone, and Daddy's special time to spend with your brother. Next time, we'll switch."

QUOTE
Does the attachment to each other come later when they are older?? Mine don't seem to have that at all. When they are separate - which isn't often at all - they don't seem to notice that their twin is missing!
It didn't seem to me that they even noticed until about 18 months.

 

My girls have always noticed the other's absence since about 6 months-ie looking for the other when she is gone from the room. They do not like to be apart and part of that is because we have not been good about taking them to places one-on-one. We've done it a few times but not with any regularity. I think it is valuable and we always plan to do better about it but generally end up doing things as a whole family. DH works 8 24 hour shifts a month, so he is home alot and likes to always do things together. I want to start taking them out one-on-one more but it will probably be difficult to get going with but I think it is a valuable step towards getting them some independence from each other since my girls are very attached and do not like to be apart at all.

 

We've done this for a long time. I was actually surprised by all the replies that stated their twins got distressed when their "other half" left. Then I thought, maybe it's different for us because my boys have a big sister who is 16 months older and they are used to one of the three of them being away. Does that make sense?

I take my DD (who will be 4 next month) for "dates" every few months. We go out to eat and do special things that are just for the two of us (dance program, painting pottery, parks, etc). I've done this with her since shortly before she turned 2. She LOVES this time with me and frequently asks me when our next "date" is. However, this is off the topic because she's not a twin.

My boys are a little more than 2.5. We don't go on real "dates" where we're doing a special activity, but my DH and I try to go shopping with one of them every so often. My mom, who helps watch them when I teach, will also take one at a time to play at her house about once a month. All three of my kids are passionate about each other, but all of them seem to really cherish their special 1:1 time. Maybe this is because they got used to it from an early age though. Now that they are talking more and developing more interests I would like to start taking them on real "dates" to do something they would really enjoy - besides running errands or going grocery shopping!

It seems to me that the time isn't going to be special to them if they are just stressed about being separated from their twin though. However, if the only one that is stressed is the one that is being left behind, I think I would still do it. The one that gets stressed will learn that they will get a turn next and that their twin is returning. My kids always get upset when it's not their turn to go, but after a few minutes they calm down, usually because whoever is staying behind with the 2 that stay home does something special that isn't as easy to do when we have all three kiddos.

 

I've been doing this for a while. I only do it about once a week, and it's usually only for errands, but I wanted to start it early.

When they are better at communicating, we'll make it a longer event, and eventually something of their choice.