have i done some damage?

I've been on bedrest for the last two weeks because of a short cervix. My cervix measured 1.6cm at 21weeks and my doctor put me on modified bedrest at home. After nine days of bedrest I had an unexpected visit to the doctor for fear of a UTI. They measured my cervix at that appointment and it was holding steady (even went up a millimeter), stable, closed and there was even less funneling than before. I was starting to think the bedrest was really making a difference so I've continued to try to be even stricter than what my peri had suggested.

The problem is I'm finding it nearly impossible to completely stay off my feet with a toddler in the house. During the weekdays is fine because I work from home (from my bed!) and our nanny takes care of our son. But in the evenings and on the weekends I end up getting up way too much (in my opinion) because my husband is simply incapable of doing everything, and we have very little help.

At a minimum, I've tried not to lift my son and I was doing really well until last night. After my husband put my son to bed, he went out for the night. Our son usually sleeps through the night. But last night he woke up crying and seemed like he was either sick or in pain. I couldn't get a hold of my husband to come home, so I ended up going in and lifting him out of his crib and holding him. It was definitely the right thing to do to comfort my son, but now I am so afraid I have done something to jeapordize my pregnancy. What if that one incident shortened my cervix even more? I can't help but worry and think that I have done some damage. I'm also really frustrated that I'm still doing quite a bit around the house. I almost feel like I need to be put on hospital bed rest so I can really get a break!

 

QUOTE
I almost feel like I need to be put on hospital bed rest so I can really get a break!


Tell your husband that he either steps up to the plate and helps while you are home, or he is going to be for sure doing it all while you are in the hospital! Why is he incapable?

I think you are wise in trying to do more bedrest than the peri prescribed! It does work! I went from 5 at 26 weeks, to 2.5 and funneling at 27 weeks, and back up to 4.5 with no funneling at 28 weeks with a week of bedrest. I stayed put until delivery at 37 weeks.

How many weeks are you?

ETA...I just reread. 1.6 is very short for 22ish weeks. I would be on strict bedrest if I were you. Only getting up to use the bathroom, otherwise laying on your side as flat as possible.

 

QUOTE(becky5 @ May 4 2009, 10:40 AM) [snapback]1299796[/snapback]
Tell your husband that he either steps up to the plate and helps while you are home, or he is going to be for sure doing it all while you are in the hospital! Why is he incapable?

I think you are wise in trying to do more bedrest than the peri prescribed! It does work! I went from 5 at 26 weeks, to 2.5 and funneling at 27 weeks, and back up to 4.5 with no funneling at 28 weeks with a week of bedrest. I stayed put until delivery at 37 weeks.

How many weeks are you?

ETA...I just reread. 1.6 is very short for 22ish weeks. I would be on strict bedrest if I were you. Only getting up to use the bathroom, otherwise laying on your side as flat as possible.

 

Um, why is DH going out????? What if you went into labor? I would be mad as a wet hen if I were you. He should be doing everything possible to keep those little ones in you as long as possible. Head over to the NICU forums and let him take a peek at what you could be facing should you deliver too early. It's HELL to walk out of the hospital without your babies.

I get very heated about this because my DH was the same way and then I did end up on hospital bed rest for 8 weeks. It sounds like that's where you need to be too. Then, DH would have to stay home and take care of your little one anyhow. Tell him to hang up the night life for the remainder of your pregnancy (well, for the next few years to be honest :rotflmbo: ). Those babies are way more important!

STAY IN BED. :grouphug:

 

I agree with Becky. You need to tell your DH that he needs to help out more, so you can rest. My Dr admitted me to the hospital for funneling and short cervix. Bedrest is so hard (I couldn't even imagine with a toddler), but it does pay off! Good Luck! :hug:

 

I totally understand. My DH does EVERYTHING. But we have twins. So it's hard for him to wrangle everyone. I'm carrying twins for my sister, so she is over a lot and picking up the slack where I can't. I'm not on bedrest, but I'm getting bigger and more tired, and I really can't pick up my kids. Jake is like 34 lbs!

It's hard putting everything on your spouse. I don't think it's a huge deal that he went out one night, I mean, what if he just ran to the store to get you something? I don't think that makes him a bad hubby ...

I think it's hard on us as moms to just sit there and let someone else do everything, even if we know that we should. It's not that my husband WANTS or NEEDS my help, but when I hear my kids crying or something, I WANT to go help them. It's a constant struggle.

Unfortunately, I have no advice. Being on hospital bedrest would suck, and I truly hope it doesn't come to that! It sucks that you have no additional family help close by ... that would allow you to give your DH a break, while knowing that someone else is there.

Just sending out some hugs! :hug:

 

I agree, your DH needs to step up. He needs to do more and you need to do less. You really need to make sure you that you are able to do bedrest and take it seriously and that will mean your DH doing a lot more. You need to have a talk with him and let him know this.

Bedrest with another child at home is very hard, BTDT, but it the best thing for those babies.

 

:hug:'s I don't think you did any major damage but if you feel off today, I'd call your doctor. :hug: As for your husband, I'm not sure what advice to give there because i've not been on bedrest and had a toddler. It's one thing to not care about the house but it's another when your kid needs you. I'd definately talk to your husband and let him know how you are feeling and that you feel you need additional help. :hug: Good luck momma.

 

Thanks for the replies so far. DH was not out getting me something from the store. He was out playing poker with his friends. He maintains that he needs his "me" time so he can stay sane and do what needs to be done at home. He has been out four out of the last seven nights. Last night I tried calling him about 15 times on his cell phone with no answer. Had he picked up the first time I called he could have been home in time to tend to DS instead of me having to pick him up and hold him. Needing "me" time is fine, but it is not working for him to be gone so much, leaving me alone to handle any emergencies that come up. It would be one thing if he were accessible by cell phone, but he notorious for not having/answering his phone at times when he is really needed. Furthermore, he always stays out late and then is exhausted the next day. If we don't have any help lined up, he expects me to give him a break and that his just not practical. Most of the time on the weekend days he needs a three-hour nap in the middle of the day - which is okay if DS is napping for that long too, but he really could be using the time to pick up around the house, run errands, maybe even make me a meal (I still make all my meals myself).

My peri has not indicated strict bedrest yet. He has given me permission to do little things around the house (make a meal, etc.). Well of course DH sees that as me being able to do anything. He just does not get it. I'm trying to be as strict as possible despite what the peri says, but it's so hard when I have a DH who has his own idea about what I should and should not be doing. Add a toddler into the mix and it is an impossible situation.

With very few exceptions, our friends and family are useless. Everyone keeps telling us "you're gonna need a lot of help" but nobody actually offers to help. Amazing.

So, I"m still wondering, have I jeopardized things by lifting my son?????

 

I would be taking him to the next Dr appointment with you so he can hear what the Dr. says about bedrest & what it means!

Sounds like the two of you should have a serious talk ASAP about the severity of you resting as much & when you can right now.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Good luck :hug:

 

My DH was exactly like this except take out poker and insert computer gaming. He would sit at his computer playing his useless games while I would clean the bathroom, make meals, dust and vacuum while I was supposed to be on bed rest. Finally, I had had it and just quit. No more cleaning or cooking. I got friends to bring me food and he had to fend for himself. No laundry got done (what did I care? I wore PJs all day every day) and he got the hint. Sadly, I did land in the hospital and then he really had to do it all AND come see me every day (which is an hour round trip). Our girls spent 3 and 5 weeks in the NICU and he had to take care of me during c/s recovery.

Now, he still says he needs his "me" time and HAS to play his game at least 2 hours/day. I stay home with the girls and he is not much help. He thinks they need to be held or have a bottle every time they fuss. He won't put them down on the play mat and try to engage them unless I tell him to. His goal in life is to get them to sleep 24/7 so he can get back to his game. I even thought about leaving him over this, but things have started to take a positive turn lately (say some prayers ). I say all of this to let you know that you need to nip it before it gets worse. Life doesn't get easier after they are born.

Good luck and take care of you and your LOs first!

ETA: I agree with Tamara. Also, take a look at my recent post in the Bedrest forum about the importance of bedrest. Maybe some of that information would be good for him to know.

 

QUOTE(soydalish @ May 4 2009, 02:14 PM) [snapback]1299844[/snapback]
So, I"m still wondering, have I jeopardized things by lifting my son?????


Sorry for not answering your question. When you have funneling and shortening any extra pressure(the babies are already putting a lot) on your cervix can certainly make things worse. When you lift, you are in reality pushing down on that cervix, possibly causing it to further shorten/funnel. Whether or not 'that' specific time did anything, I guess you don't really know until your next u/s.

I'm sorry that your husband doesn't seem to be understanding of the situation. Is it possible for him to go with you to your next appointment and have the peri explain the seriousness of the situation to him? Also, being inaccessible by phone is completely unacceptable, at least for me it would be. What if there were an emergency? It sounds like a sit down talk is in order. From what you have said, he needs to get his priorities straight, IMO. :hug:

 

Oh my i would of thrown a fit !!! he shouldn't be leaving you at home and going out all the time .. I know its important to have "me " time as the men call it but really its not about them any more !! its about making sure momma is okay .. I do agree with everyone else he needs to go to your next appt and listen to the dr .. bed rest is very important i was on mod bed rest at 16 weeks or so until i had my boys and if i wouldn't of listened i wouldn't of carried my boys to 36 w 2 d as for your question about lifting your son i don't think you hurt anything just don't make it a habit !!

 

Do you have any family/ close friends around? tonight say "I think I need some "me" time have a great night" and walk out go to a family members or hell find a motel 6 if you have the extra $40 and lay down and rest. Do it again tomorow and the next night. If you cant beat em join em!

 

I don't think he gets the seriousness of the situation. A twin pregnancy is so different than a singleton and a lot of people don't get that. I would be pretty upset if my dh was behaving like that. I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope he comes around and realizes that his needs at the moment come in second (well, last really)- because your unborn babies, your son and you all come first! Good luck!!!!

 

Wow, I would be pissed off. Those babies, your son, and you come before a hand of poker. Why dont you have him read the NICU forum to see how many people struggle with pre-term babies? I am not trying to scare you, but none of us wanted our babies to come early and would have done anything to prevent a premature birth. Leave the housework and the meals for him. Those babies need everyday they can to grow.

 

A serious, heart-to-heart talk is definitely in order with DH and that will happen tonight (assuming he can stay awake for it). Some things that are working against me include:

1) NOBODY around me understands how serious this is. My Mom started in on me about how I should get DS to climb in and out of his car seat so I wouldn't have to lift him. I had to interrupt her and tell her that I'm not even allowed to drive anywhere (other than MD appointments) so it's a moot point. My MIL comes over occasionally in the evenings to help with DS, but she doesn't clean up after him or herself and always leaves a mess, not realizing I should not be dealing with dishes. And, I recently told a friend of mine I was on bedrest, to which she responded, "oh, you're at home now, when are we getting together for a playdate?" Add to that countless friends who have told me how great bedrest must be - to catch up on books, etc. Sorry, there is nothing great about this. People just don't get it (no matter how much I explain) and DH is no exception.

2) My peri is actually not being very strict about my bedrest. He still thinks it's okay for me to do some things around the house. If he were to say, in front of DH, "you're getting up to use the bathroom ONLY" that would be different. But he has left it somewhat vague and open to interpretation. Of course, DH and I interpret it differently.

3) Although I am taking this very seriously, it's not clear to me how big of a problem this really is. In my last pregnancy, I had a short cervix (3cm at 18 weeks) and carried to term with no bedrest and being very active up until the very end. Granted that was a singleton. Also, the doctors are telling me to keep pressure/gravity off my cervix, but at my last two appointments they had me push down on my uterus and it made NO DIFFERENCE in the cervix length or funneling. This is very contradictory to me. Regardless, I do think bedrest and minimizing physical activity is of the utmost importance right now.

Sorry this has turned into a lot of venting. I feel so stressed by the fact that I'm in this predicament where I am so heavily dependent on other people and the health of my babies depends on it. It is a very, very uncomfortable place for me.

 

QUOTE(soydalish @ May 4 2009, 03:36 PM) [snapback]1300042[/snapback]
I feel so stressed by the fact that I'm in this predicament where I am so heavily dependent on other people and the health of my babies depends on it. It is a very, very uncomfortable place for me.

Oh believe me, I get what you are saying! I had 3 kids when I was pregnant with the twins and put on bedrest. I was also put on modified, but put myself on strict because I was so scared of delivering early. I hated every second of it, as I never ask for help, but I knew I was doing what I had to do to keep my babies safe.

As I said before, I think 1.6 is awfully short for 22 weeks, I'm not sure why your doc is being so relaxed about it? My peri was upset with 2.5 at 26 weeks. I think it's great that you are trying to do more bedrest than what was asked. It can only help the situation IMO.

As far as your husband and family who don't get it, absolutely have them visit the NICU forum here and see what life is like with 2 preterm babies. If there is anything at all you can do to prevent that you want to be doing it, and they need to be supportive of you.

QUOTE
but at my last two appointments they had me push down on my uterus and it made NO DIFFERENCE in the cervix length or funneling.


But you have shortened dramatically(I am guessing, normal is usually 4-5) and something is causing that. Whether it be just the pressure of the babies, contractions you aren't feeling, or both, your cervix is shortening and you need to keep the pressure off of it in order to avoid shortening/funneling more.

:grouphug:

 

Oh and in response to those who have suggested having him read some of the other boards here, it won't work. He cannot deal with what if's. He'll just say "oh that won't happen to us" or "You're just being negative." DH is someone who can only think in this very moment. He never considers the consequences of anything, which constantly gets him into trouble. And as far as his poker/going out, it's because he has never fully accepted the fact that he is no longer a bachelor. He has always maintained that marriage and kids wouldn't change him; that he would still continue to do the things he was doing before, and he tries really hard at that.

Even after we got the news about me having to restrict my activity, he was planning a WEEKEND away with his guy friends. He said his plan was to have someone come in for a few hours each day to help me. A few hours each day while I'm supposed to be on bedrest? And what about the rest of the time? Our DS is only 18 months old. He requires a lot of supervision. I absolutely put my foot down on that one. So now he wants a day away to play golf. Originally I said if and only if someone is here all day. But given what happened last night, I just cannot allow this because once again I will find myself alone at night and probably unable to reach him should something come up.

Bedrest is hard enough without having to deal my DH's inability to rise to the occasion.

 

QUOTE(soydalish @ May 4 2009, 03:48 PM) [snapback]1300064[/snapback]
He has always maintained that marriage and kids wouldn't change him; that he would still continue to do the things he was doing before, and he tries really hard at that.

Ack. Sounds like the problem maybe bigger than just the bedrest issue? :hug:


QUOTE
Bedrest is hard enough without having to deal my DH's inability to rise to the occasion.

You've got that right. :hug:

 

Don't feel sorry about anything hun. Your health and the health of your babies comes first. I was stuck on bedrest with dd when ds was barely turning 2 and i know how difficult it can be to keep off your feet with a toddler. While i dont think one night of holding your son is going to do you in, you cant be in a situation where if something like that arises its always up to you to take care of it. As far as dh goes, i woulda been beyond pissed! The last few months i understand that my dh has needed some alone time, but he is always near his cell phone, checks in on me, and its a once a week or every couple week thing and i wont argue since he has been playing mr mom with both the kids this pregnancy and is really stepping up to the plate. Dont get me wrong, he's a complete nincompoop with a lot of things and the house is still a mess, but he's trying and yours should be too! Good luck on your talk tonight!

 

First you need a big :hug: !!!!!!!!!!!!

QUOTE(becky5 @ May 4 2009, 09:40 AM) [snapback]1299796[/snapback]
Tell your husband that he either steps up to the plate and helps while you are home, or he is going to be for sure doing it all while you are in the hospital! Why is he incapable?

I think you are wise in trying to do more bedrest than the peri prescribed! It does work! I went from 5 at 26 weeks, to 2.5 and funneling at 27 weeks, and back up to 4.5 with no funneling at 28 weeks with a week of bedrest. I stayed put until delivery at 37 weeks.

How many weeks are you?

ETA...I just reread. 1.6 is very short for 22ish weeks. I would be on strict bedrest if I were you. Only getting up to use the bathroom, otherwise laying on your side as flat as possible.

ITA with Becky!! (what else is new)


QUOTE(soydalish @ May 4 2009, 10:14 AM) [snapback]1299844[/snapback]
Thanks for the replies so far. DH was not out getting me something from the store. He was out playing poker with his friends. He maintains that he needs his "me" time so he can stay sane and do what needs to be done at home. He has been out four out of the last seven nights.

I agree with so many pp's that your dh needs a reality check :slap:
Going out 1 time a week is VERY generous but FOUR while you are on bedrest and strying to stay off your feet with a toddler at home????? I don't think so!
A BIG heart to heart is needed. I am so sorry he is being so selfish. You deserve more respect than that.

 

I am sorry that you are having to deal with a lack of support.. it's tough to have so many restrictions on your body, and way tougher when there's no one around to help you out. It's also hard when you have to fight for support, because I know that you don't have much energy to deal with stuff when you're pregnant either. Some men don't seem to have a very good appreciation for what a toll all of this takes on your body, and in turn, your mental health. I am not sure what the solution is if your husband wont' take the situation seriously, but I am on your side that going out 4 nights a week and not being accessible by cell phone is NOT acceptable. Particularly when you have a toddler at home who needs care and attention. Even if you're not on bed rest, that's a lot of time to be leaving you alone while you're not capable of taking care of everything.

Hope all works out and he comes to his senses. I also sincerely hope that your bed rest efforts are successful and you carry these babies through! Keep us posted.