have/had a kid with a big time attitude?

this child is unbelievable. i thought i had at least another 10 years before i'd have to endure this crap. she yells at us - hands crossed or on hips - about whatever she's pissed about.
example:
ME: it's time for breakfast... please put down the marker and come to the table
MINA: (yelling, and mad face) well, i'm gonna go and draw when i'm all done eating!!!

or...

ME: (first thing in morning, checking pullup)... sorry, no sticker today, you didn't stay dry
MINA: (hands on hips, mad face to me) UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or...

just general hands on hips and giving me a dirty look, so i tell her to go to time out and she stomps her feet on her way there.


time out doesn't seem to be working. i'm having talks with her about why she cant' act like that... she's not the boss... she won't be able to act like that in school...etc etc...
so do i continue to put her in time out? do we just completely ignore it? how do we handle this, cuz OMG SHE'S GOT A BAD ATTITUDE PROBLEM!!!

 

We had issues with the both the girls during this age period. I stop what ever we are doing and make them tell me who is the boss. Once they say momma then we begin again. I think it's very typical for this age group

 

I think I would just NOT give it much attention. Maybe just say Marina, I am the boss not you, if you want to be mad that is fine but we are not going to pay attention to you until you are nice.
Good luck!!!! Love you lady!

 

Yup-- ditto PP.

I still have to have chats with one of my DDs on who is in charge of who.

I am in charge or them.


They are in charge of their behavior.

I try to make sure they know that THEY choose to behave a certain way.

I you CHOSE to X (clean up, get ready for bed, etc) then X wil happen. If you chose to not do X then Y will happen. It is up to you.


It is not perfect, but it does seem to steam down the 'control' issue a bit.

Attitude gets removal from situation and a 'redo'. After retrying to ask politely 5x for a few month, DD has learned it is easier to just ask nicely the first time (usually, she still gets sassy).

It is a much harder effort for one DD to follow rules, listen, be polite, than my other DD. Different personalities!!

 

I think this is great advice. Then you are giving her clear instructions on what needs to happen, the consequences if she doesn't listen, and also giving her the power in deciding.
Something I do as well is to talk with them about their tone and using 'nice' voices. To take your first example her saying "well, i'm gonna go and draw when i'm all done eating" wouldn't be a problem if she was saying it in a neutral or happy voice, it's the yelling and anger that makes it rude. So in that situation I would bring it up with her straight away; "Excuse me. It is not OK for you to talk to/yell at people that way. If you would like to carry on drawing after breakfast that's fine, but you need to say it in a nice voice." and I'd get her to apologise and repeat the sentence politely.

It might also help to give her time warnings (if you're not already) when something's coming up where she will have to stop an activity. So for example, if she is drawing and it's nearly breakfast time tell her "Breakfast will be ready in five minutes" (and possibly tell her again at two minutes). Then she has a bit of notice so it's not so much of an interruption, or rather the interruption is not a surprise. I do this with all my kids, for any change of activity, and it does make a difference. I try to look at it as I would be annoyed/angry if I was suddenly made to stop doing something I was enjoying so why wouldn't they? Giving them a countdown lets them be prepared.

One other thing to maybe look at is how you and other adults around her, and even characters on TV shows she watches, behave when you are cross. To take your second example it's reasonable for her to feel angry at not getting a sticker, what's not OK is her response to feeling angry (putting her hands on hips and shouting at you). Children get a lot-although obviously not all-of their emotional responses from what they see the adults around them doing. It's possible she's just copying something someone close to her does when they're annoyed. If that's the case then that person could start modelling different behaviour so she can see better ways of dealing with those feelings. If you can't think of anyone behaving like that then maybe just have a talk with her, at a calm time, about things that are acceptable for her to do when she feels mad. You will have to remind her of them, probably many times, but eventually she should be able to modify her behaviour most of the time.

Good luck!

 

thanks, everyone, for the advice! i've talked to her about what's an OK way to talk and what's not an Ok way to talk. i give time warnings for everything. i give them 1,2,3 when i ask them to do something if they don't do it right away... if she stomps away i make her go back and WALK to where she's headed, if either of them grabs something out of sister's hand, i make them "try it again, nicely this time"... i make her repeat what she says if she says it in a mean/angry tone,and she'll repeat it until she DOES say it nicely. i don't watch anything "questionable" on tv while they're awake (it's pretty much on the cooking channel all day lol) , i do yell, after i've exhausted everything and i'm just worn out...
in the mornings that she hasn't stayed dry and has taken it out on me or sister, i tell her, "it's okay to be angry, but don't be angry at ivana and don't be angry at me. it's not our fault. if you need to be angry, you need to do it away from everyone, and when you're ready for hugs, you can come to me. "
i always warn them before they play something, before we go somewhere, before we start something "if you do this, the consequence will be this..." "if you don't do this, the consequence will be this..." i've had to do this often lately because of the attitude.
so i guess all i can hope is that it's a SHORT phase and it'll pass!

 

I just wanted to add that we tried to do all that very great advice, but when my DDs were around 3.5, it was still murder. It's still an issue (particularly with Amy), but it's so much better than getting yelled at literally ALL the time. That is a seriously unbalanced age.

 

Is my DD living at your house? That sounds like exactly what we are dealing with right now. I think others have given some great advice that I'm going to have to try out too!

We do give time outs, ask her to repeat it nicely, etc. She does not get something if she yells it.

Good luck! I'll definitely be checking back here for more ideas...

 

I have a couple who are a handful, but not in this way. But I do remember my little brother, with his hands on his hips yelling at my mom, "Just because I'm 5 doesn't mean I don't have rights, too!" He has been one to buck authority his entire life. He's possibly the most stubborn person I've ever met. Seriously. BUT, he's now a Dr. and a great father and being tested by his own 4yo handful son. And the bullheadedness (funny, that must be a real word, because I didn't get the squiggly red line under it), has served him well, finally getting him into one of the top medical schools in the country his 3rd try.

 

I'm there with my son right now. :gah: It's gotten better over the past few weeks and I think it's due to me not giving it much attention at all. :good: That seems to be key with him. He still gives the 'tude but my ignoring it stops it. If I act like I care or I get pissed at him for doing it :blush: he goes on and on and on with it. :wacko: I can't even count how many times I've told him I'm the parent.

 

DD's always yelling no, saying things are our fault, refusing to do what we ask her to do and telling us to do it instead. So much fun...

 

I've got one of those too. My son. I feel like it's been really bad the last couple weeks. I guess it's the 3.5 age. But I'm at my wits end with it. I have a hard time ignoring it, because I think it's unacceptable behavior and I don't want him to think it's ok to talk to people like that. But I haven't found anything to stop it. It's like it's reflexive with him when he doesn't get his way. A constant power struggle.

This made me feel better, that even if you are doing the right things it's just still so hard with some kids...

 

Thanks for posting this...it helps me to know I'm not alone! One of my guys is pretty easy-going, but in the past month or so the other one has started with this terrible attitude whenever he doesn't get his way or we scold him for doing something he shouldn't. It has escalated to yelling that he hates me and going into his room and slamming the door. Seriously, I do not know where he gets that this is okay. I've tried pretty much everything, and he will eventually say he is sorry...but it's getting old quick. I hope it is just a phase he's going through and that the behaviours we model will take hold instead of this craziness!! They have been through alot of changes in the past two months, but, really, you hate me because I wouldn't give you a fruit snack?! I just hope it's not catching. The other one said he hates me too for the first time today. I really don't get it. I NEVER said that to my parents...at least not to their faces! Even then, screaming it into my pillow, I knew it was wrong. This too shall pass...this too shall pass...

 

Good to know we are not alone. I went into Gavin's room the other morning to see if he was awake - he was - and then he said GO AWAY! and got up and slammed the door - I totally was not expecting that until he was like 15 or something.

 

We've been in this phase with DD for the last few weeks. I can only hope it's really just a phase.

 

Oh my gosh - you just described Cricket perfectly. She will stand with her hands on her hips and tell me that she's not going to do whatever it is I've asked, and on top of that she's not going to hug me ever again. And when she's particularly frustrated, she'll yell at the top of her lungs and stamp her foot.

It's hilarious and so freaking annoying all at the same time.

We've been using 1-2-3 Magic to handle the outbursts, but the best thing that has worked for me is ignoring the small stuff. So no timeouts for stamping around the house, or being mildly sassy. I just don't acknowledge the tone of voice or behavior and she generally stops. When I took notice of it and had to 'punish' for it, we got into a battle of wills and I think that made her act up more. Don't know if that would work for you - but it's brought a lot more peace into my house.

 

This is exactly my response to these outbursts too. I've had to leave the room because I'm about to burst out laughing which would only enrage them more. Both of my girls can be like this at times and they get put in time out for it. Its not appropriate to yell at mommy (or daddy or grandma, etc). Sometimes they just can't help themselves though and time out is a place for them to go calm down. When they are calm and can talk nicely to us, they can come back and try again.

ETA: So we use time out to help them have space to calm down, not to punish for it. Because as Tricia said it can turn into a big battle of wills.

 

so glad i haven't been alone in this! the past few days have been a lot mellower. she still gives an attitude at times, but a lot more toned down. i just hope it stays that way!

 

Sounds just like my DD, except for that when I tell her it is time to eat, she refuses (sometimes by yelling or ignoring, sometimes by telling me she's not hungry and doesn't have to eat right now) and then she is told to go to time out at which point she sits down and grabs onto something to avoid being picked up (since she will not walk there on her own accord) or runs away and then it always ends with her being carried to her room for a time-out! Yesterday she told me she didn't want to go to tumbling class and I said you don't have to go, but you will not get to play when you get home so she said fine, I will just pee pee on myself and then I can't go - and she did. She thinks it is hilarious to say no or battle against my will and it drives me bonkers. Uggggghhhhh - I know it is no comfort to all of you but it does make me feel better that I am not the only one dealing with such a drama queen/ teenager stuck in the body of a three year old!

 

OMG my 14yr old son was/ is this way and AVA is too. I have no answers notice I said my 14 yr old was/ IS this way. I failed him - with Ava we are trying to stay consistent with not letting her get away with it but she is still very very sassy. With Ava at least she seems to only do it to us - Jared it is no holds barred any where he is - we were at mcdonalds the other day and an older woman made a comment to dh about the girls acting up - Jared says very matter of a fact " no one asked you, now did they" .