Handling the beginning without much support

I'm 33 weeks pg with twins and I have a 6 year old son. I'm wondering how many of you did not have family support around to help and how you managed? My dad is full time caretaker for my mom (advanced dementia) and they live 14 hours away and my mother-in-law is not really a help at this point (plus she lives far away). So we have my father-in-law coming to help for a few weeks but I imagine his main role will be to play with my son. Friends have offered to help but I just don't know how to really follow up and ask for specific things. I feel like I will end up paying for help which is fine but I don't want to break the bank either.

My son was a complete breeze as a baby and nursing came so easily so I also feel like I'm slightly optimistic that it won't be THAT hard. I'm sure I need a wake up call so I can prep myself.

Anyway, any advice from those without family around would be greatly appreciated.

 

One thing that you have which I would have killed for is a 'gofer'. Your son will be more help than you realize. He can get you a diaper, wipes, etc. As for having no family around, we didn't either. I would recommend getting people to agree to bring you meals. All you have to do is ask if they will bring you meals when the babies are x weeks old. When people come over to visit, if they stay longer than 15 minutes, ask if they will either hold a baby or throw some baby laundry in the wash. I promise you will have things dirty. It is very doable and you will come out of next year very organized!

ETA: Buy the EZ 2 Nurse pillow if you plan on nursing. Nursing 2 demands a BIG pillow!

 

Organize it and be specific about what you want/need.

Say, can you come over on this Tuesday and this Tuesday and do my dishes?
Can you (different friend) come over on Thursdays and do a load of clothes?
Can you (third friend) come over occasionally so I can take a shower?

You have the 6 year old, so hopefully he will be a huge help. Just make sure that you show him your appreciation consistently.

 

have you looked into hiring a post partum doula? they're amazingly helpful, and very knowledgeable about breastfeeding, newborn care, soothing fussy babies, etc, etc. they'll also do baby laundry, dishes & sterilizing, cooking & light cleaning, and pick up things from the grocery store if needed. if you hire someone who is working towards their certification it's usually a significant discount, and sometimes free.

 

If you can afford it, I would suggest hiring a post-partum doula, or even just a mother's helper. I would have preferred this to family. With family, you have to be pleasant and chatty and eat regular meals - not things you want to do when you are balancing 3 kids and a husband! I had a lot of help the first four weeks, and was never happier when all the "help" went home. I still sent my ODS to daycare during the day, so that helped.

 

We had family near by (both sets of parents), but nobody camed to help with things. They did come over to visit quite a bit for the first month or so, but it seemed everyone just wanted to hold a baby. I wish I had been more comfortable in asking people to throw a load of laundry in, fold some, do some dishes, let me take a nap, etc. We did get dinner brought every couple of days for the first few weeks, which was super helpful. You may want to make a bunch of stuff now and freeze it if you can. My DD also enjoyed having some special one on one time whenever possible, so I bet your DS will enjoy that if your FIL is able to help in that regard.

 

I too had family nearby, but never felt comfortable asking them to come over and do things. They would when they were here(at least those first two weeks), but for me to call them up and ask them to cook, clean, etc or just to plain help out-I wasn't going to do. Looking back-I wish I did! :laughing: No one helps now! HA!

I'm going with-if ANYONE asks you if you need help-ANYONE-say yes-FOOD. Seriously-I think we had take out for the first two weeks. Who had time to cook?!?! Granted the twins were our first babies, but still. So now-when I have friends who have a baby, whether it's their first or fourth-I now make an entire meal for them. It's one less thing they have to think about.

As for the cleaning-it's not a priority. I remember when I first had the boys, the lactaction consultant at the pedi's office told me(not that I totally listened), that my job was to feed the babies-that was it. Everyone else-dh-was to do the dishes, laundry, cook, etc. So my advice would be not to worry about it. Include your son-he'll be a huge help-he really will be. Just be sure to spend some special one-on-one time when you can and tell him how much you appreciate his help-and maybe set up a special excursion for an ice cream, or a breakfast, or trip to pick out a new book.

And truthfully-you'll be amazed at how much you can handle. You'll get it all done-you won't know how-but you will! Congrats!

 

If people want to help tell them they can cook you a meal! I also agree with being specific with people about what day to come over and can you do a load of laundry! We have family in the area, but no one came to really help me with anything. My husband had to go back to work 3 days after the babies came home - WOW - that was hard! But it is completely doable, and with your 6 yr old, I am sure he will be a BIG helper!

After the twins were about 3 months old, we found a young girl to come over and be a Mother's helper....I never left her alone with the twins, but it made it easier for me to get out and run a couple of quick errands with her sitting in the car with sleeping babies! She also went to a couple of appointments with me. Do you have any neighbors that could help? Or if you have a church community, you could put up a request for help?

Hope all goes well for you!

 

We have no family in town and had only lived here for 2 years when the twins were born, so we really didn't know people well enough to ask for help. My hubby did not have to go back to work, so for the first 2 months he and I did everything. It was hard, but we just decided that certain things weren't important, like keeping the house immaculate! We ate a lot of takeout and the laundry piled up, but we got by. Eventually we hired someone to come clean the house twice a month, so that the bathrooms and kitchens actually got cleaned.

I think at the beginning the best thing you can look for is someone to watch your 6 year old some of the time so you can nap! Does he go to school? If so there might be a kid in his class who he can go play with...kinda like a free babysitter! The first few weeks will be rough mainly because of frequent feedings and up a lot at night, so if you can get an occasional nap it will make things much better!

Good luck. Looking back on it I'm actually glad I didn't have too much help because help often turns into interference! You will be able to make your own schedule and not have a million people telling you how to feed your kids, how to soothe your kids, etc. Know that you can always come to this forum for advice or to vent and also check out the breastfeeding forum.

 

I agree with Bex and be very specific about what kind of help you would like from friends. I know it seems awkward but it will make a world of difference in the first few weeks when things are so crazy. I think friends also appreciate being asked to do a specific job because otherwise they might feel unsure of what you need. Also, I don't know if you're anal about cleaning but try and let things go a little during those first few weeks. So what if you have dirty dishes piling up in the sink and dust bunnies in the corners? Focus on taking care of your LOs and getting as much sleep as you can. Also, order in food if you need to. You won't be doing that forever so if you can afford the expense at this point then do it. At this point you should also be stocking up on much used/needed items like toilet paper, paper towels, diapers, wipes, vaseline, shampoo & conditioner, toothpaste, deodorant, etc. That way you won't be wasting time and energy picking up those things when the babies arrive. It will take a month or so but you will get into something resembling a routine and things won't seem so difficult. Good luck and be sure to drop into TS when you have time if you need support, encouragement or just a place to vent. :grouphug:

 

Thanks for all the great ideas!! I spent last week assembling about 20 meals in my freezer so that feels good. And I'm planning a trip to Costco this week to stock up on everything! I like the ideas of looking into doula training and mother helpers- taking them on errands is a great idea!

And I can see that not having too many people in your house is probably nice. I'll just need to be bold. I tried having a friend come help me clean while pregnant and my DH was mortified! He didn't want friends cleaning our house so he went and cleaned the whole thing . Whatever works- right . And I'm sure we'll both become a little more lax about it when we have to be. Right now, I love it clean all the time so it's going to be an adjustment.

 

our closest family is 12 hours away so we've had absolutely no family support (other than by phone or email). it can be done, trust me. the most crucial thing to have is a strong commitment to your partner and the willingness to stick it out even when things get stressed. we had to get organized, agree on schedules, agree on how things would get done, and support each other 110%. i also agree that if you can do some kind of hired help, be it a doula or daycare or nanny, definitely do it. because we had absolutely no family members who could give us a break (and didn't think it was fair to impose on friends), we depended upon daycare to help us have a break or a few hours of sleep. even if you're planning on being a SAHM you can take advantage of daycare programs usually known as "mom's day out" where it's just a few hours a day a couple of days a week.