Handling the Alpha Twin and Sharing

My twin daughters are going to be 2 in April. Twin A is the dominant, alpha twin. Lately, her dominance has manifested itself in strong attachments to things. EX: They got Cozy Coupes for Christmas. I was going to buy them both the same red and yellow car but, I decided they might like the variety and I got one red/yellow car and one pink/blue car. When we rolled them out, Twin B was ready to climb into the red car, but her sister knocked her over and got in first. Little did I know, that interaction "assigned" the cars. Now, if Twin B goes anywhere near the red car, Twin A freaks out. "My car, my car!" - crocodile tears. This is just one of many things that have been claimed in the last month or so. Some of the things are nearly identical. We got them the same doll for Christmas. One got a scratch on her face. The girls use that scratch to differentiate between the dolls!

We have tried explaining sharing and taking turns. We have tried time outs for Twin A's pushing or any other physical interaction to take back something that "belongs" to her. The time outs didn't change the ownership issue, it just redirected how Twin A got the thing back.

I feel like we're not getting anywhere with Twin A. Now, Twin B is afraid to get anywhere near anything Twin A has claimed... even when Twin A's not around. EX: I put her in the red car when Daddy and Twin A were at the store and tried to talk to her about how we share in our family. Twin B acted nervous, kept looking over her shoulder, and didn't stay in more than a minute before getting out and declaring "Sister car."

Is this something we should try to stop? Should we ride it out and see if it is a passing phase? Is it wrong/good to have separate things? When does it cross the line between having your own stuff and bullying your twin?

Twin B is such a sweetheart and such a good sharer and her sister isn't. I don't want this to change Twin B because Twin A keeps drawing lines.

Sigh. I can't wait until their tweens.

 

One of my boys (DS1) is like that - he can tell the difference between their hats, their balls, etc. - things that look exactly alike to us. And heaven forbid his brother should want that one! Usually I can work it out by asking them to "trade" - that seems to satisfy them most of the time. And actually, in our case, DS2 has figured out that it annoys his brother and will sometimes grab the hat off his head and then run away laughing hysterically. Same thing with the ball.

So no great advice here, but you're definitely not alone!

 

I am very interested in this topic. My boys just turned 1 but I can see those situations in my future. My 'baby B' is the alpha twin and constantly takes away whatever his brother is playing with. He understands 'no' so I'll say it to him when I can see him about to take something from his brother. He stops (for now) but will whine and cry until he gets his hands on what he wants. I'd love to know what others have done too.

 

S has started with the 'Mine!' phase. I think it's time for both of them to have their own distinct stuff. I usually buy only 1 of most things or identical stuff but with the boys sharing parents, clothes and toys I personally think its normal to want things of your own. I've sort of been waiting for this phase to start. I don't think they should have their own of everything of course, but it's not a bad thing to learn respect of your twin's stuff at an early age. IMHO I would respect their desire to have their own things- and not put the other child in her sister's car unless she can ask and receive permission.

 

My boys do the same, except my alpha twin is twin B, William. The sad thing is that Nathaniel KNOWS his brother will take whatever he has so when he sees William coming he just hands it over. It's rare that they fight over stuff now because Nathaniel just sighs and hands it over, or he runs and hides to play with something he knows William will take from him

 

My two have done this from time to time but the alpha twin was always switched up. When they were this young, the toy in dispute usually got put in time out because they were not sharing. I also used a timer with toys in dispute, so they had to take turns. Now they are 4, they are much better with sharing though every once in a while they do have their toy disputes.

 

Wow - this post has made me feel a lot better! We have one twin who swipes and takes everything from the other...just as others have said our other twin now just hands things over. My husband says they need to just figure it out but I cant always watch it without intervening sometimes. I try to model what is fair but I don't know that our swiper gets it. Oh...the fun of twins!

 

I am glad we're not the only ones going through this. I suppose since the girls seem to be working it out, the real problem is their parents' understanding and acceptance of the rules they have set.

I am an only child, so everything was mine. When sharing became an issue and I wanted my stuff to myself, I went home. DH is the youngest of 5, so I look to him for guidance on how a family with siblings is supposed to function. DH's worst memories of childhood arise from situations where one sibling was trying to separate themselves from the rest in some way (not sharing a room, not letting him play with something, etc).

My biggest fear is somehow contributing to a bad childhood for them. I don't want one twin to ever feel like they're somehow getting the short end of the stick. Listening to how "normal" my girls' relationship is as compared to others their age makes me feel a bit better. Perhaps I need to give DH's communal approach a bit less deference. Afterall, (1) he was a hippie in college, and (2) he was the baby that got left behind by older siblings.

Thanks all for your thoughts.

 

Our Twin A is the alpha as well. I guess she thinks 9 min older means she is the boss! Twin B, my boy is chill, laid back, quiet, sensitive. She has always been aggressive with him, sometimes hitting him and taking away toys. We would tell her no and say things like "gentle" as we stroked her hand on him or "love your brother" and when she would take things we would redirect sometimes and sometimes let them settle on their own. Now, Lidea has actually started to share with Levi, handing him cups or toys (sometimes trying to take it right back again but it is the thought that counts!) and we praise her and make a big deal of it. She now will stroke his hair if I am nursing him and not her. She is starting to give hugs and kisses to him and her other siblings. She is still much more "aggressive" in the way that if she wants toy she goes for it, and Levi has decided it is not worth the battle and will wait for her to put it down then go get it. At this point I try not to make a big deal of this is hers and that is his. I want them to learn to work out things and share and it seems that they are getting it!