Guilty

I have four month old boy/girl twins and a 20 month old girl. I absolutely adore my kids, except for my twin girl. I don't know what it is about her as she has always been a "good" baby, sleeps through the night, doesn't cry much etc. It's not that I don't care for her as much as my other two, but when I look into her face I just don't get that heart melting feeling that I get from the other two anad I hate to say it but I feel like she is an inconvenience. I am consumed with guilt about this, she deserves better from me. Has this happened to anyone else? Is it something that will come right with time?

 

First, I want to commend you for being able to put this out there. Not easy to admit when you have less than fantasy perfect thoughts of your children! Second, I think it is important to look at what it is that bothers you about her. If you have baggage from your childhood, she could be triggering something. My little girl gets on my nerves so bad at times-i realized it is usually because she is acting so stubborn and being relentless with what she wants, just like me! Good luck-and don't be afraid to keep working through this on this site.Hugs!

 

It's not an easy thing to admit, but being aware of it can really help. I've had this issue with my oldest ds. Not as a baby but once he hit about 2. He's 10 now and just recently was diagnosed with ADD. (Not that this is your issue at all, just what has caused the strife for me with him) For years he was difficult to get along with and caused problems with everyone he came in conact with. He still has these issues but it's getting better with meds. He is exhausting to parent and while I don't love him any less than my others, I don't particularly like to be with him and that eats me up. I hate it! But it is what it is and I do the best I can to purposely spend time with him, cuddle him, etc because it doesn't come naturally. I know the situation is a bit different, but hopefully hearing from a veteran mom having similar feelings will help. :hug:

 

It can take longer to fall in love with each child. Sometimes one child maybe more "demanding" which can cause animosity or the other way and give you more time alone with him to bond MORE. Your daughter who is more easy-going may be less demanding and therefore there isn't the same "need" for you. I think many parents, even those without twins, can experience being more attached to the first child since there was some alone time, and some fond memories of just you and baby #1.

I do agree with the pp who mentioned about examining ourselves. I remember reading this before my girls were born and it mentioned to caution putting our own feelings onto our children for example "they like to be held just like me" "they are more assertive like their father" .... You might also want to look at what you are drawn to. Do you find that you are more attracted to people who "NEED" you or "DEMAND" of your time ?? You might examine your upbringing... was there favourtism there with your mom or dad ?? Does she remind you of someone you are not fond of ??

For my one twin she didn't "look" like how I thought MY daughter should look. She was cute. This is what took longer for me to bond with her. I think as she has grown I see her differences from me and her sisters and I'm amazed.

I really think saying it like you have in this post is the beginning. We all love our children differently and for some you might just need to find YOUR way to love her differently than her sister or brother.

Plus, you really are quite busy at this time -- sometimes even the cutest of kids when we are tired, hungry, lack of sleep..... are not always cute to us.

Heather

 

I have the same issue. For me though I think its more bonding issues. William was in the NICU and I couldnt see him right away. I didnt see him until he was 2 days old, nor get to hold him until he was 2 days old. He was then in the hospital for 2 weeks and I couldnt be there 24/7 because I had Nathaniel at home and my oldest Donevan. He never nursed, his brother does, which I had a hard time accepting too. He is def way more demanding then Nathaniel, not as easy going or easy to please. I know how you feel. I tell myself, we love all our children differently, and I know it well just click for me with him

 

I'm a new mom to 8.5 week old twins, one of whom is a bit high maintenance (I think she is struggling with reflux) and the other of whom is very relaxed and easy going. They were also like this in utero, funnily enough. Anyhow, I definitely feel more of a connection with the higher maintenance twin bc of the amount of time I spend with her. I feel a wee guilty myself.

 

I don't have any experience with this, but I wanted to give you :hug: 's & say that it's great that you are aware of the issue & want to fix it. I'm sure there are tons of moms who have been through the exact same feelings. I think, sometimes, it just takes a bit more time for a mom to bond with one baby than another and I agree with pp's that often we bond more closely with the needier babies than the one's who are more independent. Maybe spending some one on one time with her if you can get a chance would help you make that connection.

 

I had a harder time bonding with my girl twin. She was so beautiful, but also more difficult then her brother. She would scream during nursing sessions, which made me feel stressed. I didn't know how to soothe her when she got upset and I had family memebers that seemed to do better with her then I could, which was an awful feeling. Around 10 weeks she became extremely bonded to me and didn't want anyone else to feed her, which has been a challenge, but also a blessing because I was finally able to bond with her. I felt almost instantly bonded with my boy twin, and it took about a month for me to feel the same way with my first. I guess it just happens at different times for different kids, you know? Don't feel guilty - I think this is pretty normal.