DH and I are overdue in picking someone to take care of our children in the event that something were to happen to us. I don't want the courts to make a decision for us, but I also know we simply won't agree either. We fight enough about our families as it is. Do you guys have a legal document stating what should happen to your children if something were to happen to you? How did you decide? Did you agree or was it hard to come to terms? Any suggestions? It also seems like a lot to ask of someone potentially other than immediate family. I certianly hope nothing ever happens, but I want to know that if it does they will taken care of.
it was easy for us, we knew my brother in law and sister in law would take them. We actually had a lawyer do the paperwork, it isn't the cheapest route, but it was the route we wanted to take. There was another thread about this recently, try searching on "trust" or "wills." (i think it was in the PC forum) Good luck, I know this is sad to think about. Miriam
We haven't made it official yet (with a lawyer) but we need to soon. But we do agree on who will take them- Dh's best friend. He agreed to do that. We picked him because we believe that he would raise them most like we would. Dh's parents are dead and he doesn't have any family. My parents (mom) aren't in the best health and we don't want my sister raising them. We thought about my best friend, but our views on parenting and religion align more with Dh's friend. (Who really is family to us.) After the first of the year, we'll make everything legal.
This is a hard topic - but I urge you - everyone - to please do this and do it soon. Sorry, but it could be needed at anytime. To answer the OP, we did ours through a lawyer. We did wills, a trust, POA's, medical POA's all at the same time so I don't know how the pricing broke down. In our case, we came to a compromise of sorts. We agreed one relative would be better with babies/preschoolers/young elem, another when they are older. We will change the guardian designation in about 8-10 years. Yes, if anything happens to us in the meantime the current guardian will have them until adulthood but the other is just not an option right now. It is hard. Remember, you can change it later, but it is so much better to have it in place than not have it if it's needed.
dh and i have to do this too. they actually have all the people come into the company a few months before they are deployed, so we're waiting until then to do it. we chose my brother and sil, theyre due with their first baby in feb, so that would make them a year apart, and my brother is in the marines, so they have a similar background/lifestyle as us, and it would be less of a transition if they did have to go to them.
Yes, I have done it. And everyone should!!! I actually have more than one couple to take care of them in the event that something happened to me in case when the time comes they are not able, as well. It starts with my best friend and her fiance because they don't have any children yet and would raise me children how I would want them raised. After them is a couple whom's kids are already grown up. If neither are able to raise my children, my mother and sister have to agree upon whom will take them or they have to raise them themselves.... I think you should put down alternatives if you are never going to decide! My twin's father died and I did this pretty soon there-after because if anything happened to me, that's it.
We have done this, and legally through a lawyer as well. I agree, we have an alternative just in case something happens to us and our first choise (my sister and her husband) at the same time. I hope we never need this, but I feel better knowing our kids would be taken care of the way we would want them to be.
Thank you so much for posting this...it reminds me that I have to get on the legal documentation of all of this stuff. We chose DH's brother and wife because they are the most like us in personality and values in general....
Yes, my DH and I did this through a lawyer. We did our wills, durable power of attorney and living wills all at the same time. It is SO important for you to do! We did agree on who was to raise the twins- but it was hard to tell some family because there were some hurt feelings. Bottom line though- people have to just respect and honor the parents decision. Good luck to you!
Thank you for the reminder, I have been meaning to do this!! :blush: We completely agreed on who to pick, and it happens to be the girls' Godparents. We started drafting a will with one of the attorneys I work with, but never finished it. So yes, we will have a legal document.
I know where I live you just have to have your wishes written down and signed in your handwriting. You can have it notarized or drawn up by an attorney if you choose, but it's not neccessary. What I did might sound a little sneaky but I feel like I had no choice. DH's family isn't involved a whole lot with our girls. We see them at holidays but that's about it. It was a no-brainer that if something happens to us the girls would go to my parents - but what if it's 10 years down the road and my parents are no longer able to take care of them? DH wanted them to go to his family since first choice was my family, but I don't want the girls going to people who don't want them. So I wrote my own will and said who I wanted the girls with in case my parents are unable and signed it myself. I know DH won't write a will, he doesn't plan in advance like that. Then I hid the will and let my best friend know where it is for in case anyone needs to find it one day.
I think we both pretty much agree that it would be my brother and his wife, but we have yet to make it official.
We left them to Dh's sister and BIL. They are local, and good people and parents and agree with us on religion and discipline, etc. We did go to a lawyer to do the paperwork. It irks us to think about though. About twice a year DH says "Are we sure they are the ones to take the kids?" and I say "NOPE!" and we think of alternatives, and can't come up with one. We just end up deciding we have to live forever.
We have pretty much decided - yet we haven't made it official yet. It was a really hard decision for us - as neither of us has siblings that we can leave them with - and that would have been ideal. It is SO hard to think about. But very important.
One thing that might help some people in making the choice--you don't have to designate the same person to raise the kids and to manage the money left to them. So if you know someone who would do a great job raising the kids but isn't so good at managing money, you could designate a different person trustee. Or even a professional trustee. I think we designated my older brother for both, but it's been a few years (and a few kids!) We should probably get it out again and make sure it's up-to-date.
My DH and I completely agree to leave the kids to my parents. They take care of them while I am at work, and the kids love them. If something happens to them then they will go to my BIL. However, (I don't know if this is the case in every state) I was told that people can contest the will. I have made our choice clear to all the family involved. I know DH's mother would want them, but I know my parents are the best choice. When we are gone I want our wishes honored.
My situation is a little *sticky*. Right now I have a notarized letter of intent giving the girls to my sister. That being said, I am a single mother and am awaiting court at which time the *male figure* will hopefully sign over his rights to me and then I will go see a lawyer and do a will and all that.
We wrote up our will a week or so after the girls were born. My BIL is the one we've asked to appoint a guardian, but both my husband & I agree that they will go to my sister, but if she can't take them, they will go to my BIL. I don't believe it's been filed with a lawyer or notary or anything though.
DH and I couldnt agree either. So we went to the lawyer and he helped us decide. DH made his choice and I made mine. 2 totally seperate couples. I chose my cousin and her DH and he chose his cousin and his wife. The older kids will get to choose who they want to go with. The younger ones will stay together and the court will decide which couple will get them but a stipulation does state the other couple will have some input over things so as to keep the family unit together.
We've been thinking about it still. All dh's brothers already have two kids and a lot on their plate, so we thought about my sister. She's ok with it but she has to talk to her boyfriend... The problem is that she lives in France so I'm not too sure how it would work out...
I am now in the process of "having" to do this since the death of my husband. We talked about doing a trust, but never got around to it. I now feel crunched having to pick someone asap, just in case. Another warning to all of you: If you don't have a will or trust, you will be spending a lot of time and money to get things put in your name. I've had to hire a probate attorney and I know this is something my husband would hate. All of this could of been taken care of, but we never thought he would die at the age of 45. He bought our house before we were married, yet I lived there and paid half the mortage from day one. He never got around putting my name on the deed. Now the house belongs to all three of us. I get 50% and the boys each get 25%. "If" I sell the house before they turn 18, their proceeds will be put into an account and they will get it when they turn 18. I don't know about you, but the thought of having all that money at that age scares the heck out of me, but I have no control over it. Say at age 20 they want to sell, I have no legal right not to sell. The only way I could stay is if I buy them out. That is what happens when you don't have a will/trust-everything goes to your heirs. Right now I'm trying to get his estate in order and once that is done, I will have to draw up a trust and guardianship for the boys. They need to be protected if something happens to me. I'm not overly thrilled with my attorney so I don't feel comfortable using him for anything else.
QUOTE(beemer @ Oct 20 2008, 10:58 PM) [snapback]1034618[/snapback] DH and I are overdue in picking someone to take care of our children in the event that something were to happen to us. I don't want the courts to make a decision for us, but I also know we simply won't agree either. We fight enough about our families as it is. Do you guys have a legal document stating what should happen to your children if something were to happen to you? How did you decide? Did you agree or was it hard to come to terms? Any suggestions? It also seems like a lot to ask of someone potentially other than immediate family. I certianly hope nothing ever happens, but I want to know that if it does they will taken care of. us too its a hard one he wants his brother and wife but i said she wouldnt want our kids DH is god father to her baby boy but i just dont feel they are best because long story short his 2 kids left home after he married her My sister said she would do it and live in our home but she cant handle 4 kids herself--i guess its why we havent "offically" decided yet either.
We have nothing to say who the children go to in the event of something happening to us!! If it were I feel that my parents would be the ones to take then.
We do agree and have told all of the immediate family, but we have yet to do anything to make it official. We have set a goal to have it done before they turn one. It's sneaking up on us fast. We are considering separating the trustee from the guardian as well because there would be quite a large sum of insurance money if something happened to both of us at once. DH's sister and BIL would take the boys because they would provide the closest upbringing to ours as far as education, religion, etc.
We are actually in the process of doing this now. We are meeting with a lawyer on Saturday to make everything final. We still haven't decided who to leave the kids with. I'm an only child and we absolutely do not want DH's brother to have the kids. Our parents are older and we don't feel comfortable leaving them with them either. I've considered my best friend, but she lives in another state and isn't married. She also is a different religion and has different parenting ideas than we do. I'm just not sure. We need to make a decision quick! Sorry to go through my story on your post. Just wanted to let you know that we're in the same boat.
We have yet to make it official, but have decided on who would have guardianship. It was a fairly easy decision, actually - we just had a frank discussion about who would raise our children in a way that was most compatible with our values, then asked them. I'm comfortable with the choice, as is DH.
before our twins were born we wrote up a thing with a lawyer that my in laws would get our kids.....it was an easy discion for 1 they are both together and for 2 neither one of my parents are financially stable or stable in any way.
