Grandma and Grandpa are driving me crazy

My parents are two extremes.. my mom is so over cautious with the babies that she is no help at all. She comes over to help and spends so long washing bottles, suckies, toys every time that they touch anything because she doesn't want to make the babies sick. She had pneumonia about 2 months ago and waited for a full 3 weeks after the doctor cleared her to come over "just in case" even though I desparately needed help. Whenever she comes over I am ultimately left with a mountain of work because she's afraid to do all the basic things pertaining to the kids in case she screws it up and hurts them somehow. It seriously takes her 25 minutes to change a diaper while the baby is screaming because she has to wash her hands before, during and after the change, inspect the diaper, put the adequate amount of lotion on, call me to inspect the diaper.. it's insanity.

Meanwhile, my dad is totally scary with the kids. He complains constantly that we ask him to wash his hands before handling the kids, he wanted to come over when he had a cold, and he's a lot "rougher" with them than anyone. I should be clear that he has never hurt them, but he likes to bounce and jiggle them, even when they were very small and had no head control. Tonight he was sitting about a foot away from the granite counter top and holding Austin by the arms and bouncing him... all it would have taken was for Austin to throw himself back (which he likes to do) and he would have smacked his head on the counter. My mom put her arm down and I said, Dad, maybe that's not the place for that, and he threw a hissy fit because he's "always under watch" and has "never dropped a kid yet".. well.. I don't really want there to be a first either!

It's hard.. I have told them a million times that they should just come to visit, but they insist on coming over to "help"... but I feel like they're no help at all. I have tried to direct their "helping" by suggesting specific projects that should be done, but inevitably fights ensue because my mom does things her way (i.e. not at all) and my dad does things his way (i.e. dangerously.. putting pesticides and chemicals in our yard, using oil paint in the boy's nursery etc.). When they leave here, I feel exhausted and tense for hours afterward. My husband feels like I should be able to train them to help me better, but I feel like there's too many issues there.

Argh! I need help.. sorry for another vent.. I just feel like I am at a low right now. I am exhausted and I don't need any more sources of stress!

 

I feel that your parents are extremely good and nice hearted people for wanting to come over and help you. However, I understand your frustrations in that they are not doing any help. If I were in your place, I would always use in my conversation with them the word "PEDI". like: "Dad, the pedi told me it is forbidden for us to use any chemicals before I ask him/her beforehand about it...As for changing diapers I wouldn't let your mother do it telling her nicely that you appreciate her help but it's a reflex and automatic thing that you do now and that you don't want to bother her changing diapers.

In short be firm and tactful at the same time. Good luck to you :hug:

 

Family can be so draining and newborn twins is especially mentally and physically draining. I have two toddlers 23 months and a 6 month old. I remember seeing a mother of newborn twins and instantly I remembered that THAT was a very stressful time. I always felt my brain and heart were going in two different directions. It seemed to continue all through that first year and each month it got better. The bigger they get they less fragile they seem. Now as long as my house is babyproofed REALLY well, anyone can watch over them.

You know your parents better than anyone and if YOU can find a way to teach them, maybe nobody can. Just try to find ways to de-stress. Try meeting them out at the mall, or make their visit shorter. While you might think they are helping, you might actually find doing it all yourself is actually physically draining but less stressful. Can you hire someone ? What about having them sit and watch a movie and just hold them ? Would your dad be less offended if other people were around ? (not wanting to make a scene?)

I remember contantly checking on my father as he would hold the baby and then fall alseep on the couch. I'd rather listen to the baby cry than have him drop them. Every family has it, but you sound like you have it bad.


Heather

 

I would try to find something they are good at. Like, make sure to leave a lot of bottles/toys that do need cleaning for your Mom to wash. How about changing loads of laundry and hanging up the babies clothes? Maybe you could ask her to make dinners to keep in the freezer. For your Dad, just be specific about the job you want him to do (and come up with lots of jobs around the house). Leave light bulb replacing, outside window washing, caulking touch ups in the bathroom (and give him the supplies you want him to use). You can also always come up with something you "really need" from the store. Hope that helps!

 

I agree with Megan. If there is anything they are good at, leave it for them to do. If you want something painted, leave the proper paint for your dad. And I agree that using the doctor as backup is sometimes helpful. Then you become less of a paranoid mom (in his mind, I'm not saying you are paranoid!), instead the doctor gets the blame. As the little ones get older & stronger, it will hopefully become less of an issue. Your mom will become less worried about making them sick or hurting them and your dad's roughness won't be so rough since they will be bigger. As frustrating as I know it is, you can only try to remember that they love their grandkids & that's a good thing! :hug:

 

In one way you're lucky, my ILs were awesome for about the first week and now they're absent grandparents again. But I totally understand how they are driving you crazy! I agree with everyone else, for your mom baby holding is perfect and for your dad man duties around the house. If you need to lie then do it, it's easier that way LOL. Good luck!!

 

I feel so sorry for you! I know it's hard to handle extreme parents. They get so pushy with doing things the way they want to or USED TO. Omg. I so hate that.

I finally had to get hateful with my parents with their insistance on helping or doing things. It was ending up being more stress than it was worth!
We reminded them of what we were always told as kids. Fine, when you grow up, have kids of your own, you can do it your way. Well, we have kids of our own and we are doing it our way. Till they are more durable nobody can be in the house or handle them.

The house went to h*ll in a handbasket, but we weren't stressed from my parents. We just worried about diapers, bottles, feedings, and relieving each other for sleep. Forget the laundry! Lived on paper plates, coffee, and showered when we could.

We finally just encouraged them to look or gently hold them IN a chair were we can see them. Just watch them so we can do bottles, diapers, or cleaning.

Everyone knew we had a policy of no illness, sneezing, coughing, or dirty hands. At my door and crib sides are half gallons of hand disinfectant. You use it or else. Nobody is exempt from that policy regardless of relation or feelings.
I had to explain why risk the chances of another hospital stay. UGH. Couldn't belive I had to do that.