Good books on discipline and twin toddlers?

My twins just turned one year old. Up until recently, they have played together, or at least alongside each other, nicely. Lately, though, each one is starting to make his or her own wishes known by getting so frustrated by the other that they will cry, hit, or yell out - this usually happens when one wants the toy that the other is playing with - of course. :lol:

I've come to the realization that I will (very) soon be needing some tips on the best ways to gently discipline not just one toddler, but two!!!

I am hoping that some of you who have struggled with this can advise me on a book you have read that was helpful, and/or strategies you have employed that were helpful, etc. I am assuming that there are strategies that one uses with a singleton that wouldn't work as well with twins, am I wrong?

Thanks for any help!

 

Okay, I just went online to my local library and placed a request for the following books (these are all they had) to see if they are any good. If anyone has read any of these, can you please tell me if you found them helpful? I would like to know which one I should read first if one is more popular than the others. I also looked on Amazon and there seem to be a ton of books on twins/multiples, it's so hard to wade through them all, it's sort of making my head spin. :wacko: Thanks!

Double duty : the parent's guide to raising twins from pregnancy through the school years / Christina Baglivi Tinglof.

It's twins! : parent-to-parent advice from infancy through adolescence / Susan M. Heim.

Ready or not...there we go! : the REAL experts' guide to the toddler years with twins / Elizabeth Lyons.
(side note - I loved her first book, "Ready or Not Here We Come!" Hoping this one is useful, too

 

We've been having a lot of the hitting, slapping, pushing, biting, etc fights over toys. I try not to step in every time & usually if I really saw what happened. For instance, if dd was playing nicely with a toy & ds takes it away and they start fighting over it & then ds bites dd......he gets a time out. I don't think at 12 months they really would've understood.....they're just now starting to realize when they do something wrong.

It's hard, though, and you really can't step in on every fight or you'd lose it! I try to reinforce "sharing" a lot, or taking turns......and if it does get to the hitting point & someone needs a time out, we always go to them afterwards & give hugs and say "sorry". Well, I say sorry for them.....they haven't learned that word yet.


The only strategy-type thing that I can think of that's been helpful is to have an actual stool or something to sit on for time outs. Just being on the floor didn't work.....I think it was too vague of an area or something. I found really stable step stools at Target for about $7 & they also like them for standing on in the kitchen when I'm making dinner. I had to get 2 of them, though.

 

I like "Touchpoints" by T. Berry Brazleton a lot, also "1 2 3 Magic"...can't remember the author right now.

 

Hi Lisa

I have 123 Magic but I haven't had time to finish reading it yet. Where do you find time to read with twins? :lol: So far I've only had to use it on Nicholas and things usually calm down when I say "that's 1" but when Phil tries it, Nicholas laughs at him. Don't think it's good for a 12-month old tho.

Good luck. The last book you posted looks good - I may have to check it out myself.

 

Lou - I'll let you know if that book is any good. The library should have it by Monday. I have seen "123 Magic" mentioned on Ovu. a lot, so maybe I'll do a search for those old threads. Seemed some loved it and some hated it - as usual with discipline strategies. lol

Susan - Thanks for the book suggestions, too. I'll take a look at "Touchpoints."

Naomi - Thanks! I agree that the 'time out' method is too advanced for 1 yos.

At this point I realize they are far too young to really grasp the concepts of any structured discipline strategies, but I want to be consistent in how I handle things so they at least begin to understand that some things are acceptable and some things unacceptable... ah, it should be so easy, right?

Someone else mentioned Harvey Karp's new Happiest Toddler book, so I might check that out. Although I hear he calls toddlers savages or cavepeople or some such thing. :huh:

 

A friend gave me "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" (can't remember the author). It's not specifically about twins, but did help me a lot with discipline and parenting.

One thing I always tried to keep in mind when I was trying to figure out what was acceptable for my kids to be doing to each other was: "Would I want him doing that to another kid at the park?" I read a lot of posts here when my boys were young that said basically, "Oh, let them work it out" or "Intervene only when they are really hurting each other." That never sat well with me. It didn't seem acceptable to let them do some behavior to each other that I wouldn't want them going up to another kid and doing. You know? So, if I didn't want them grabbing a toy from a kid in the sandbox, I wouldn't let them grab a toy from their brother.

That meant I was kind of all over them when they were your kid's age, but it also meant that they mastered "sharing", "trading" (rather than grabbing) and other social activities a bit earlier than some kids.

Hope this helps -- and that you'll report back on the books you checked out and let us know how they are.

 

QUOTE(Babies4Susan @ Nov 17 2007, 06:49 PM) [snapback]500476[/snapback]
I like "Touchpoints" by T. Berry Brazleton a lot, also "1 2 3 Magic"...can't remember the author right now.


1, 2, 3 Magic is good.

 

Ellen - That is exactly how I feel, too. Just last week we took the kids to one of those indoor play spaces, and the first thing Shayla did was try to grab a toy from another child. Well, of course I had to get the toy back and explain to her that it wasn't her toy, etc. etc... I imagine that she would be very confused if she were allowed to do that at home with her brother, but not somewhere else with another child - at least at this age. She doesn't understand yet that there are some things families "will tolerate" that are not acceptable in outside social situations, so until then it's important to me that she have some consistentcy in that regard. But it is hard, as you said, I feel like I am constantly having to referee and it's exhausting. I do understand about "letting them work through it," but all I think would continue to happen would be that Shayla thinks it's okay to take toys, and Dylan would think that all he can do is let it happen and either cry or try to pull her hair, etc. Neither settle well with me. Sigh... this parenting business is really hard. lol

 

My MIL sent me a good book a few months ago, "Making the terrible twos terrific" by John Rosemond. I highly recommend it, since that stage really starts well before they are two and carries into the threes. Take some of it with a grain of salt, but the overall message is great.

 

I read Toddlerwise from my local library and I thought it was very good. It is very strict, so take from it what you will, but it definitely gave me a good base of knowledge for dealing with a toddler.

 

I just wanted to come update my post in case anyone is interested in any of the books I listed that I checked out from the library.

Basically, all those books are the same - would probably be helpful when PG or in the first months with twins, but after a year, most of the stuff in the books is BTDT sort of info. The only book I thought was worthwhile was the "Ready Or Not, There We Go" book. Funny and still had some good stuff in it. But I'm not sure I'd rush out and buy it.

I am still on the hunt for that elusive "perfect" twin toddler discipline book.

 

Many thanks for your update. I too have been looking for THE book on twins and discipline, without any success. Karen Gromada's book "Mothering Multiples: Breastfeeding & Caring for Twins or More" has a really nice chapter in it on toddlers, but it's not really enough (the rest of the book is excellent for someone planning to nurse their newborns/toddlers). Ah well, I guess I'll have to adapt singleton books and rely on the excellent advice of people here!
Lisa

 

Our twins arent here yet (34 weeks b/g twins), but I do have two older children that are a year apart. At times it was LIKE having twins......here is something that to this DAY, works like a charm.

YOU have to do your part as the parent though. If you arent CONSISTENT it doesnt work well and all you have accomplished is raising children who walk all over you, dont learn consequence and learn that you will not follow through.

My husband and I made an agreement to coparent and discipline the same way, so the kids know what to expect, learn consequence and ultimatley learn that we are our word always and will follow through.

Go to www.parentmagic.com Dr. Phelan's 1-2-3 Magic, it is awesome!

My kids are 3 and 4 now and the title of the dvd/vhs/book is "Managing Obnoxious Behavior Ages 2-12". We started at around 18 months. We found the dvd to be best, because my husband and I watched it together and when one of us slips, we do a "refresher course". Better than the book, it would take WEEKS or even months for both Bruce and I to read it. So do yourself a favor and get the dvd or vhs tape. We have shared our copy with all of our friends and they are so psyched to have something like this in their parenting "toolbag" that is easy to do.

Good luck, this is a great program that helps you discipline without yelling, losing your temper or even hitting/spanking. And it is EFFECTIVE and positive

xojillian