Going out of my mind

I´m at a loss and just need some support.

DD has become really hard work since Monday. I posted about her being tough, earlier in the week, and not being sure how to handle her. However, it´s the tantrums which get me. I usually leave her to work it out and that is effective. I know when to leave her based on her cry. If she´s really mad then I put her in her crib upstairs and she is quite happy being there & always calms. It also gives me some timeout.

Both LOs are off their food and Im not sure why. I used to give them yogurt and 5-6oz milk for breakfast but they stopped being hungry for lunch so I tried fruit, then just milk. They are happy to just drink milk and sleep a morning nap fine so I figure it´s enough for them. This morning DS ate a yogurt and didnt want milk, but DD only ate half her yogurt before whining. Neither baby really wanted their lunch and ate half each of the jars I gave them. What´s going on? I know it´s normal for their appetites to decrease but Im concerned they´ll lose weight if they keep this up. DD isnt interested in finger foods (I offer them anyway) and I have to distract her for her to eat. It can take 30+ mins at times for her just to eat some food. DS is a little picky but will try some foods. I never force them to eat and take them out of their highchairs when they lose interest and start to cry or when they start throwing/spitting out their food. Their naps are a little off track too so maybe I need to re-adjust them.

Today, it seems to be tantrum after tantrum with DD and after the fiasco with lunch (DS also played up but I didnt let them see how I felt about it!) DD just lost the plot as she doesnt want to play by herself while I feed DS. This seems to be a regular occurence post-lunch and it is usually sleep-related as she´s been resisting her morning nap. I´m wondering if it´s just me as she was fine with just the nanny yesterday afternoon. She has just learned to crawl and is clearly very frustrated at everything around her but I dont know how to help her as I cant be with her every minute. I just got so frustrated with her, and she knew it. I feel lousy as I got so angry. I didnt shout at her, or anything, but just picked her up and put her in her cot.

We are going to the ILs´ this afternoon for 2 weeks so I will get some help. I will also get the "you can´t leave her not to eat" etc etc etc. MIL has a habit of unintentionally making me feel bad.

I´m afraid of losing the plot and feel like a failure as a mother. I went through IVF to get these 2 babies so I feel guilty even writing this post. I guess I just need to hear from others who are going through the same/have been through this and to tell me it will get easier...

edited to add more info

 

Big giant :hug: to you. First you are not a failure as a mother, far from it! I think this is just that time when they can exercise their opinion and like to do it. I know mine have fussed over food, refused meals and barely ate at times and it would drive me and DH nuts. One of the things I have learned is they will not starve themselves. Keep doing what you are doing, offer the meals you offer and slowly but surely they will come around to it. Your DD could be frustrated because now she can crawl, she might be figuring out how to walk we went through the same with my DS when he was crawling and figuring out how to walk. It's tough. Hang in there, you are a good mom and we all get frustrated and that does not mean we love our children any less. This age is a frustrating one!

 

:hug: You are not a failure!! You are not a bad mom!! And just b/c you get frustrated/angry/overwhelmed, it does not mean you love your kids any less! You are human - they are toddlers - there are TWO of them. It is hard. Period.

As far as the eating goes, have you tried giving them their own utensils or bowls (empty) just to play with, pretend to eat out of while you are feeding them? Do they like music? Whenever our two are giving my DH a difficult time eating, he'll turn on music and they love it. It distracts them and he is able to finish feeding them. Our pedi said that as long as toddlers get 1 good meal per day, they are doing fine. She said that is what she would strive for - 1 good meal. Also I've noticed that if I'm eating something - it doesn't have to be a meal - just a plate with a few crackers and cheese or something on it - and I put some of their food on my plate, they are much more likely to eat it b/c they think they are eating my food instead of their own. Lol.

Tantrums - it sounds like you are doing all you can. It is a phase, and it will pass eventually. As she starts communicating more - she'll throw fewer fits. But they are so frustrating. My two are doing this whenever things don't go their way. Brother gets the grocery cart first - throw a toy and lay down and cry. It's like a reflex! If she enjoys her crib when she's having a meltdown and it gives you a break, it sounds like a great solution to me.

I hope you have a good visit and get some well-deserved breaks. As far as your MIL goes - just let her feed them! She can deal with getting them to eat. Whenever I'm at my parents or my ILs house, I hand over all feeding responsibilities to the grandparents. I prepare the meals and get the boys in their highchairs and then I vanish. It is so nice not to deal with all of the food throwing, refusing, spitting out, etc.

Hang in there! You are most definitely not alone!!!

 

You are not a bad mother. We also did 3 cycles of ivf to get our boys and there are days when they get on my nerves and I count the hours to nap/bedtime.

As far as meals go, I recently got an email from babycenter.com. It said that it's normal for toddlers to refuse food and they are not going to eat 3 square meals a day. There are days when Josh will only eat blueberries for breakfast or just watermellon for lunch. I no longer get concerned that he did not have any veggies all day.

When they turned a year, my pedi told me to give them a multi vitamin because their eating habits won't be that great. If you are concerned about them not eating, you might want to check with your pedi to see if it's ok to give them a multi vitamin.

Just last night I made dinner and both of them did not want it and most of it went on the floor. So for dinner they had blueberries but at least they ate something. I have thrown out so much food in the last 6 months and it drives me crazy.

I think the other hard part is not being able to understand what they want. I keep telling myself that it will get better and they won't be like this forever.

 

My two started cutting FOUR molars each at that age... it's so not fair! They aren't all in yet poor babies. So here's my 2 cents, have you checked their mouths lately? My daughter is a holy terror when her mouth is hurting. Luckily, motrin helps.

:hug: about the food issues. I don't have any advice on that, my LOs eat like crazy garbage disposals. Wait, I spoke to soon. C & G eat what we eat. Are you feeding your babies "people" food?

Good luck, and don't worry... they will be teenagers before you know it!

 

Do you think she is teething or sick? My pedi said not to worry if they didn't eat a lot. She said as long as they had one good meal a day they would be fine. Just make sure to push fluids so they don't get dehydrated. I hope you get lots of help and can relax at your ILs. GL!

 

Thanks for your replies, you gals are great

I have done all of your suggestions. DS will eat some food but DD isnt very interested. Today, we were at the ILs and, as there is more family around, we managed to distract them and they ate everything. I keep telling MIL that it´s normal they dont want to eat but she´s saying "and you´re going to leave them without eating!?" I basically told her "dont stress me out with the food issue!". My LOs eat 4 times a day so I accept they are going to go off their food. DD has had her 4 top teeth come in, plus she´s trying to walk so I get that she´s not bothered. DS is also teething and almost walking. I keep telling MIL all this but it falls on deaf ears. Its so true that they wont starve but MIL doesnt pay attention to that and it makes me feel inadequate.

MIL´s sister at the ILs too for a week and doing my head in as she is constantly criticising: "why havent they got socks on" "they sleep too much" "they wont come to me" "they´re bored with the same food" :grr: DD is shy and it takes her time to get to know people but, no, its my fault for not exposing them to more people...I can see that MIL is frustrated as my LOs want "mama" and not her. Ugh!

Thanks for letting me vent. Im a Brit living in Spain so I have different opinions and ways of doing things. It just feels like a constant fight at times plus Im dealing with 2 toddlers! At least DH´s family doesn´t live in the same city as us!!! :lol:

 

Hey Rach, I'm sorry your stressed. This age is tough. I've found every time my guys get more mobility; I get more stressed.

I'm sure it's hard living outside of your culture. I suspect (from what I know as a sociologist) that extended family is a lot stronger in Spain than in the UK. I'm married to a Nigerian, and there are many times I'm happy he's living in my country because they have very strong extended family norms over there, which means my in-laws would always be there to tell me what to do. LOL!!

If I were you, I'd use the vacation as a chance to get some time away with the DH. You could let you MIL and SIL babysit for night, while you guys go out on a date. That way your MIL will be happy, and you can get a break.

 

You are quite right, the Spanish family is very tight knit and opinionated! It´s so different to my family who stand back and don´t suffocate the kids! I am actually away from my LOs now but feel anxious as MIL wants to be their centre of attention. She doesn´t seem to like it much when my kids prefer to come to me instead of her. She hasnt said anything but her face says it all. Also, she´s made comments like, "when you and DH are around, they don´t pay me any attention" and "They love Maria more than me!" (Maria is the girl who helped me with them). This is how I know what I´ve just said. I feel so torn as when Im away from them, I worry about them, yet when Im alone with them I long for some "me" time. Silly, isn´t it! I´m lucky MIL is so willing to have them so I can have a break! LOL! My ILs live 1.5 hour´s drive away from where we live so we at least get some distance between us! :lol: