Giving in to their demands

I have the mindset "pick your battles". If they are throwing a fit or whining for something and it's not that big a deal, I give it to them. DH thinks never give in to their demands or it will escalate and they will own you. This is one major thing we disagree on and caused a huge argument tonight.

Here's tonight's example:
Ainsley was whiny and crying and I couldn't figure out what the heck she wanted. As we were finishing up pajamas, I finally realized that she wanted to wear different pajamas. She wanted her striped pj's and wanted Bea to wear her apple ones. So I said OK and I changed her pajamas. DH thought I shouldn't have done that. She was already wearing perfectly fine pajamas and I should have stuck with that. I think if it's something little, who cares.

What do you all think? I think it's possible to give in to the little things, but draw the line at bigger stuff. If she had wanted to wear a bathing suit to bed, well then I would have said no.

 

I did the same thing. Ali didn't want to wear her nighty so I grabbed some other PJ's out of the dryer and just said "put these on her" (they said "I LOVE DAD" on them, so that scores points!) and that was the end of that!

I pick my battles too!!

 

Having raised two kids to adulthood I say PICK YOUR BATTLES. Which pj's or clothes to wear is a control issue not a discipline issue. If it makes them happy to have striped pj's on let them. It really isnt giving in- they are making a choice. Giving in is when they are whining and crying in the store because they see a certain toy they want. If you get it to shut them up that is giving in.

 

Pick your battles. Definitely. But if they are verbal enough and having a meltdown, I would encourage them to ask you like a big kid, "Stripes please mommy." To me, that is more important. Hannah is very tempermental that way, but as long as she asks nicely/calmly, I usually give it to her. It is a pair of pjs, not asking if she can have candy instead of broccoli for dinner. Or like you said, it isn't like she wanted to wear a bathing suit to bed.

On a side note, we had a PJ battle tonight too. Hannah wanted to wear her princess jammies but was not listening to us. So I gave her a warning and told her to put her pull-up on or she was not going to wear her princess jammies. She kept goofing off, and I pulled out a different pair. Oh. My. Gawd. Meltdown. But hey, mommy gets to choose her battles too, and I was winning that one!!!

 

I believe in choosing your battles too but honestly if they were already ready for bed I most likely would have kept them in what they were wearing unless they were too hot or too cold in what they had on. However, my girls would have said they wanted different pjs, then different blankets and then different books to read that is why I stand my ground when it comes to this stuff. It isn't so much about discipline here but not letting bedtime get out of control. My girls are big on coming up with any excuse to stay up later.

 

This is a good thread, in the beginning I would have said don't give in to her. But after reading everyone's comments. I can see there is a difference. I think your husband is right in some respect, but maybe not in this one. I would have been wrong too in this situation. They are just trying to demonstrate some independence and choices and you're right, you have to pick your battles. It wasn't an absurd request.
That's why I love it here, parenting is a hit or miss thing....no one is perfect, but it also takes a village to raise a child. Awesome. I think you did the right thing, and now I'll remember this when it comes up. Thanks alot.

 

I do this too. DH and I agree on the little things, so its no big deal here.

Connor likes a certain shirt with bugs on it...one day he had it on and wanted to wear it to bed...only it was dirty..he screamed he wanted it on...so I said screw it...I let him wear it.

WHO CARES??? I say its just pajams...focus on the bigger things!

 

I pick my battles as well. I feel like they are trying to assert their opinions and that's not always a bad thing. Why stiffle them. If it's something big, I definitely stand firm, but life is too short to worry about all the little things. It's stressful enough as it is!!

 

I'm also a "pick your battles" kind of mom (aren't we all though?) If she was articulating her choice BEFORE the "offensive" jammies went on, then I'd let her pick whatever she wanted... even a bathing suit, lol! But in Emma's case after the jammies go on, they stay on because she will go through outfit after outfit in a day.

I gauge my response on "Would this behavior be offensive in a 30 yr old?" and "Will this matter when she is 30 yrs old?" Overall I'd say a whimpering 30 yo would be obnoxious, but I'm sure she'll outgrow it eventually. (She's only 2 after all.) A 30 yo who wanted to wear princess jammies to bed instead of something else isn't offensive, and it certainly won't matter that you let her wear princess jammies tonight instead of what she had on already when she's 30.

 

QUOTE(twoin2005 @ Aug 21 2007, 10:24 PM) [snapback]374467[/snapback]
Pick your battles. Definitely. But if they are verbal enough and having a meltdown, I would encourage them to ask you like a big kid, "Stripes please mommy." To me, that is more important. Hannah is very tempermental that way, but as long as she asks nicely/calmly, I usually give it to her. It is a pair of pjs, not asking if she can have candy instead of broccoli for dinner. Or like you said, it isn't like she wanted to wear a bathing suit to bed.

On a side note, we had a PJ battle tonight too. Hannah wanted to wear her princess jammies but was not listening to us. So I gave her a warning and told her to put her pull-up on or she was not going to wear her princess jammies. She kept goofing off, and I pulled out a different pair. Oh. My. Gawd. Meltdown. But hey, mommy gets to choose her battles too, and I was winning that one!!!


She was overtired from not napping. Normally, she is fairly verbal and could have said "stripe sleep clothes please" (they say sleep clothes). She was fussing and whining while I was getting her dressed but I couldn't figure out what she wanted. This is something else I am working on with her, trying to get her to SAY what she wants when she's in fuss/whine mode instead of "ehhehhhehhh whine whine". So since I was finally able to figure out what she wanted after all that, I felt like I should give it to her. She was pulling at her pajama shirt and saying "No no" and then went back to the dresser and pointed at the drawer, then when I opened it, she pulled out the striped pajamas.

I do see DH's point though, that maybe it could be construed that I rewarded her whining.

 

Yeah, but at that age, that is their coping mechanism. She was TRYING to tell you what was wrong, and was frustrated at not being able to articulate it. You did the right thing. And FWIW, I think that dads are more black and white with some things. My DH would have had the SAME reaction as yours.

 

I could understand if you had told one of them no and then they threw a fit and then you gave in but the fact is, she was trying to express it to you the whole time. I'm sure it must have been VERY exciting for her to not only be able to finally get you to understand what she was trying to communicate to you but that she actually got to show her independence in choosing what she wanted to wear. I could see something like that getting annoying in the future if she starts fussing and fighting with everything she wants to wear but someone once told me that when they get to that point, you give them options. For example, "do you want to wear the pink pajamas or the stripped ones?" That way she can feel good in having made the decision and you don't have to go through the whole tantrum scene for every clothes change kwim?

I also believe in pick and choose your battles and that one is not worth fighting about, ESPECIALLY right before it's time for bed. No point in letting her get herself all worked up when you need her to be calming down for a peaceful nights rest.

 

This is a great post. I would have done what you did too. She was trying to communicate it and we have to remember, even though their little preferences may sometimes seem silly, they are important to them and those are the "level" of choices they get at this age. They simply don't have the perspective to realize that in the scheme of things, it is not life or death! And my kiddos still have to rely on some "eheheh" to communicate, because they don't have a lot of words yet.

Good job mom!

 

I give in on things if I can figure out what they want and if they're not throwing an absolute fit.

Amy is capable of asking for what she wants, so it often does not get to the whining stage at all. If she throws a fit, I do refuse to give her what she wants (even if it's something I would happily give her) unless she can calm down and ask nicely. She's often unable to do that, so she has a huge meltdown, but I think it's still worth it not to give in to a tantrum. OTOH, if it's just a minor fit of whining, I do give in.

Sarah isn't very verbal yet, so the only way she can show that she's unhappy is by whining. With her, I have to work harder to figure out what she wants, but as long as she's not having a literal tantrum, when I finally figure out what she wants, I give it to her. As a PP said, I don't consider that "giving in" exactly -- she's communicating in the best way she can right now.

They're both gradually learning to say "please" on command -- it doesn't always stop the whining, but often it does, since they realize that they will get what they want (usually) if they say "please."

What I'm having trouble with is what to do when THEY don't know what they want (I'm about to post about that....)

 

QUOTE(Snittens @ Aug 21 2007, 08:16 PM) [snapback]374368[/snapback]
I have the mindset "pick your battles". If they are throwing a fit or whining for something and it's not that big a deal, I give it to them. DH thinks never give in to their demands or it will escalate and they will own you. This is one major thing we disagree on and caused a huge argument tonight.

Here's tonight's example:
Ainsley was whiny and crying and I couldn't figure out what the heck she wanted. As we were finishing up pajamas, I finally realized that she wanted to wear different pajamas. She wanted her striped pj's and wanted Bea to wear her apple ones. So I said OK and I changed her pajamas. DH thought I shouldn't have done that. She was already wearing perfectly fine pajamas and I should have stuck with that. I think if it's something little, who cares.

What do you all think? I think it's possible to give in to the little things, but draw the line at bigger stuff. If she had wanted to wear a bathing suit to bed, well then I would have said no.


I completely agree with you, Kelly!! Definitely pick your battles! I would have done the same thing, this is not a big deal. It's not like "giving" her something, she just wanted to change clothes.

 

I do not know what I would have done, I have one that is a little more whiney then the other and we are working on this. DH would have agreed w/yours. Normally I would have tried to get him to calm down first, deep breath and "talk so mommy can understand please." Then usually given in and tried to explain it works much better when we ask first. Eventually they will get it.

But some nights, it is what ever gets them calm, quiet and ready for reading books. That is the best part of bedtime!