Give me the power to be strict!

I need serious help. I cannot take the demands that M&M place on me every day. I give them whatever they want just because I cannot deal with the crying, tantrums, hitting, and whining. I know that I need to stop this NOW, but I just don't know how to.

How do I say "no" to a screaming child that I love with all my heart when tears are streaming down their face?

How do I say "no" to a 3 y.o. that is having a full-blown tantrum with throwing anything in site, hitting and biting me or whichever sibling is closest to him?

How do I say "no" without feeling guilty?

I'm sure these all have simple answers,right???? Please tell me what works with you. Both my 3 y.o.'s are very strong-willed and stubborn.

Crystal

 

I can't really help because my kids are much younger and are not in that stage yet. (Also, I only have two kids to deal with, not four!) But I still have trouble saying No to them. I'm actually surprised how hard it is -- after all those times (before I had kids) that I criticized other parents for not being able to say no! Even though you know it's necessary, it's just so much easier to give in than to put up with the whining, screaming, and tantrums.

What helps for me is to think of older kids whose parents have never said no to them. I knew a few growing up, and they were torture to be around. I don't want my kids to be like that! Keeping the long view helps me to remember that they NEED for me to say no to them. It's not a question of the specific thing they want at the moment (which may be something I'm quite willing to give them) -- it's the fact that I can't allow them to grow up thinking you get whatever you want if only you scream loud enough.

 

The strength I get is from the knowledge that if I don't say no now, it is going to be much harder as she/they get older, and maybe about more difficult issues. And even then it is SO hard, with tears streaming down her face and a really nice "please, Mommy, please!" going on. I only have 1 3 yr old now, and she is taking everything I have some days. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when the twins get that age.

As far as the guilt - still have it. But I'm trying to do the right things for the long haul, which makes it feel a little easier.

My littlest one already pounds her head against a tiled floor for her tantrums. I am in for an interesting ride!

 

look em in the eye.. get them to look at you.. tell them your saying no because.. and give a reason..

because it will hurt you, because you have already brushed your teeth, because its past your bed time,

not just because i said so..

good luck

m

 

Sounds like it's time to call Dr. Laura! :lol:

Seriously, though. You may need some support -- is there a parenting class at your church or community center?
That might help you when it's time to say "no".

It gets easier after the first 30 times. Tell yourself that the next 30 times you have to say 'no', you will, no matter what. I guarantee that before you get to 20, your kids will be behaving differently!

:hug99: Hang in there, you'll be glad you did by the time their 12!

 

You have to do because you are teaching them for their lifetime ahead of them. It isn't always easy but this is way easier to deal with now at this age then when they are older! This I know from experience! Always be consistent and you and dh always be in agreement and it is so much easier, trust me. You are not being a mean mom by saying no. I know it isn't easy but you can do it.

 

I think once you set your mind to it you can totally do it. DS is such a stubborn kid, and he wants what he wants and wants it now! I spend half my days saying no to him. I figure I'm not going to be doing him any favors by always giving him what he wants. It's not easy and by the end of the day I am often so worn out, I can only imagine what it's like for you with 4 running around. I often feel like a broken record. If the violation is physical (hitting, biting, pushing etc) , I tell them that we don't hit, bite, push etc. I then tell them we only kiss or hug. I figure maybe if I give them an alternative to the behavior they might take it. I also tell them to be gentle about 1,000 times a day. For other behaviors, I use time out. Sometimes it works others not so much, but I still keep trying it in the hopes that one of these days they will get it 100%. Hang in there! This age is tough for sure!

 

PP is right that it gets easier.

First, figure out how you are going to handle it if someone throws a fit after being told "no." In my case I would just pick them up and take them to their room and tell them that the rest of us don't want to listen to that, and they can come out when they're done crying. Then I closed the door.

If they did something like hit me or someone else, they would go into time out. Time out in our house is standing with your nose in a corner while a timer ticks off the minutes. Afterward the child apologizes to the appropriate person for whatever it was (even if s/he doesn't *mean* it, although by then really small kids usually do mean it).

If I give an instruction and they don't listen, I will count to 5, giving clear warning that if I get to 5, they will go in time out.

Another trick that I find useful with shopping is to say *before* going into the store "We are just here to buy [xyz]. We are not going to buy any toys/books/candy/whatever. We might look at them, but we are not going to buy them." (I usually do not look at them; why tempt fate?) It helps if they know before you even go in that there's no reason to ask.

Then you pick a day to start, grit your teeth and start. It won't take very long before they realize you're serious.

The other thing that makes it easier is that every so often it is okay to bend the rules a little bit. I usually preface that with something like "just this once," or "since you were so helpful with [whatever chore], you may have this special [treat s/he asked for] today." I find that knowing that it won't hurt if every once in a while there is a really good reason to do something a little different really reduces my stress level.

This really does work. Generally my girls will now take themselves to their room if they want to cry about something and I don't have to ask. They also will do pretty much anything I ask, and if they balk I only have to say, "Don't make me start counting..." Sometimes they test me, but I hardly ever even get to 3 these days.

(Mine are almost 5.)

eta: punctuation

HTH!

 

QUOTE(Crystal74 @ Nov 9 2007, 09:32 AM) [snapback]488500[/snapback]
I need serious help. I cannot take the demands that M&M place on me every day. I give them whatever they want just because I cannot deal with the crying, tantrums, hitting, and whining. I know that I need to stop this NOW, but I just don't know how to.

How do I say "no" to a screaming child that I love with all my heart when tears are streaming down their face?

How do I say "no" to a 3 y.o. that is having a full-blown tantrum with throwing anything in site, hitting and biting me or whichever sibling is closest to him?

How do I say "no" without feeling guilty?

I'm sure these all have simple answers,right???? Please tell me what works with you. Both my 3 y.o.'s are very strong-willed and stubborn.

Crystal

Ok - this may sound harsh, but it's really not. Try to hear a matter-of-fact voice here.

1. If you feel like they are too demanding NOW imagine what it will be like in a couple of years. They will be used to screaming, hitting or biting to get their way. You will feel even more tired, and they will be out of control. You need to deal with this NOW. The sooner you deal with this problem, the sooner they will chill out and you can breathe a sigh of relief.

2. How to say "no" to a screaming child that you love? Simple. Just say "No, because I love you." If you love your child you want them to be happy. The tears streaming down their face are telling you something. That is not a happy child. If your child is throwing a tantrum because they want something they can't/shouldn't have are you really doing them a favor by giving in to them?

Let's say tears are streaming because they want a toy at the store. You buy the toy and give it to them. Now what happens? Well, they are happy for a few minutes but you know that toy gets tossed to the side and forgotten as soon as they get home. It becomes clutter. Children are as stressed out if not more by clutter than adults. Stress makes kids act badly. Also, you just spent $$ on a toy that got played with twice, I'm sure you could think of something better to use that cash for. They are going to want bigger and better and more expensive toys. They will learn that if they see it, and it piques their interest, then they get it. When they get older and marry they are going to have the same "I want this and I'm going to buy it!" impulsive shopping habits. Unless they are married to a millionaire this is going to affect their marriage. They are either going to end up fighting and maybe even divorcing, or their spouse is going to have to teach them what you didn't. You can't always have what you want right now.

You can apply the same logic to any situation that they may be crying about. It's not about appeasing the crying child, it's about teaching them to be happy and productive members of society.

3. How do you say "no" to a 3 y.o. that is having a full-blown tantrum with throwing anything in site, hitting and biting you or whichever sibling is closest to him? You don't say no, you take that kid and put him on a chair and put his butt in time out! If he gets down, put him back! That kind of behavior needs to STOP, that's when discipline comes in! You are a full grown woman, you are stronger. Pick that kid up and plop him in the time out chair! When he calms down tell him that you love him, but that kind of behavior is naughty and he'll be in time out every time he does it. BE CONSISTENT! If he learns that you will put him in TO every time he misbehaves, you will be amazed to see how quickly he starts acting appropriately.

4. How do you say no without feeling guilty? Let's think about this the opposite way - what are you saying yes to? Oh sure they are temporarily appeased, but they scream, hit and bite. They are running all over you. You are miserable and feel like a failure. Is saying yes working for your family? Obviously not since you are here asking for help. Will you feel guilty when they learn boundaries and are happy?

Yes, boundaries. Children crave discipline, did you know that? They like to know that if they do ABC, then XYZ happens. What will happen when they are in school? The teacher is going to tell them no. They will be disciplined. They will be just as happy as any other school kids because they know what the rules and boundaries are, at least until they go home. Saying no will lead to a peaceful home and happy kids.

QUOTE
I'm sure these all have simple answers,right???? Please tell me what works with you. Both my 3 y.o.'s are very strong-willed and stubborn.

Well, yes the answers are simple. But talk is cheap. Finding the inner will to battle these two strong willed kids is the hard part. I suggest How to Behave So Your Children Will Too! by Sal Severe.

Be tough mom, if you can battle it out and get them to mind it will be awful in the short term, but wonderful in the long term.

(I didn't read any of the other responses first, sorry if I repeated anything.)

 

It sounds like there is hope for me after all. I think my biggest problem is that I work and I cannot get DH and his parents on board with discipline. DH is all for it when we talk about it, but he doesn't follow through unless he's in a bad mood. With everyone else not following through, it makes my weekends and Wednesdays (my days off) hellish! Mia is constantly saying "I want a snack" (snack to her means candy, chips, etc....), then she doesn't eat any meals. I just feel like everything is spiraling out of control and I'm definately an enabler. My mom is living with us right now and she is the only one that does not give in to them. In their defense, it's probably hard for them to know what's right and wrong with so many different people trying to discipline them all the time. Sometimes I feel like it's not even worth trying.

Crystal

 

I know how hard it can be as it is a constant struggle for me although I have stayed pretty strong and "strict with love" and this is what I tell myself to not give in:

By not giving in to their every demand and sticking to my NO! I know that I am teaching my girls that life is full of boundaries. I am teaching them social skills and I am keeping them safe. I am teaching them that although there are things we all WANT in life, it is just not possible to always get every single one of them. I am teaching them manners and respect and that under no circumstance will certain unacceptable behaviors warrant a positive response.

Kids NEED boundaries. It is absolutely essential for a healthy upbringing. As a former kindergarten teacher who was always commented on the behavior of my class by the principal and other school officials year after year (sorry if that sounded like a brag but...) the reason I feel that I was able to always control my class and their behavior was because I had very set routines. By having these routines and rules/instructions in place, the kids always knew what was expected of them and what was coming next so that they didn't have time to "act out."

I don't know fully what your situation is and I'm not saying I'm some perfect mother cause God knows I have my moments where I totally lose it but when I make a house rule, I absolutely stick to it. If I say there is no standing on the couch then there is NEVER a time when it is acceptable. If I catch them doing it when I step out of the room for a second, then there is a reprimand, a reminder of the rule (they need to be reminded of rules constantly) and either a time out or I simply pull them off the couch and they are not allowed back on for a while. Consistency is also the other very important component to "behavior management." Pick and choose your battles, let them know what is not ok to do and let them know what the consequences are and there should be some sort of consequence for the behavior. You have to choose what consequence will be most effective for your children. You might want to make a chart with certain rules that you are dealing with, with pictures and a few simple words ex. NO HURTING and then a picture of someone hurting someone else. Discuss what constitutes hurting and then decide on what should happen (the consequence) if someone breaks the rule. By making them a part of it and having a say in the rules and consequences you help to make them aware and responsible for their own actions. It also lets you not always feel like you are the bad guy. "I didn't break that rule. You made that rule and you know what your consequence is." I think it is essential that they fully understand (well, as much as a 3yo mind can understand) why a certain behavior is not acceptable (ex. you can get hurt, it hurts people's feelings, you could break it and mommy and daddy can't afford to get another one, etc.)

I think the last important part of the success of all this (besides trial and error) is to make sure that whoever else is a big part of their life (dad, grandparent, siblings, babysitter, nanny, etc.) and helps in taking care/raising your kids that they are aware of the behaviors and consequences as well. If mommy doesn't allow it but daddy doesn't pay it much mind (or visa versa) then it defeats the purpose and leaves the kids confused and not understanding the true meaning of rules and consequences.

I don't know if any of this makes sense but whatever you decide to do, I hope you are able to work it all out and find the solution you are looking for. GL!!

 

Crystal

I am in the same place with my three yr old. She definately runs the house right now. I also have been very worried about having two in a few years!! Thanks for posting this, and thanks to all those that gave great advice.

 

Crystal, they have learned that all they have to do to get what they want is to throw a fit. So they have been "rewarded" for their awful behavior. I know that isn't what any of us want to do, but sometimes it's hard!!!

I use 1-2-3 Magic (quick read) and I ALWAYS follow through if I get to 3. They know EXACTLY what to expect.

Now, when they are just throwing a fit for the sake of screaming and crying, I have a rug in a coved area that I put them on and tell them that when they are done with their fit they can come out. (Thank you Becky444 for that! She does it in her laundry area.) If they keep coming out and are still crying, I just keep putting them back.

Someday's I have to summon everything inside of me not to let my temper flare, but sometimes it just gets the better of me! None of us is perfect! Don't be too hard on yourself and just see about following through on any and ALL threats you make. Don't just threaten a time out, do it! That way there are no questions. Keep it real matter of fact. There's no emotion involved in 1-2-3 magic. The tactic is - "you did the thing you know what wrong. Shrug, not my fault - I have to follow the rules and the rules say - TIME OUT" (You would never talk that much to them about it, but just so you get the idea!)

Good luck Crystal :hug99: :love0028:

 

I would have a group meeting, or even a group email if that would work, with all the various caregivers (DH, grandparents) and say we have GOT to have a consistent discipline approach for the sake of the children, and it's starting NOW! When we started 123 Magic, I emailed my mother a summary of how it works so she could be on board. You are right that all the different discipline (or lack of) is confusing them.

 

I am pretty stricked about something and not about others. Like when they get dressed everyone has to wear what I pick out, so then they can pick how their hair is done. I have a little one to that will not eat anything but candy, so I just let him cry until he is ready to eat. I let them know how much I love them when they are doing great things.

We have 5 kids Girls 8 Twin girls 5 and twin boys 2.

Erin