Getting past the tough stuff

How do you moms do it! It seems as though as soon as my kids turned one everything has become so much more challenging. They kick and scream when I wash their hair, change their diapers, wipe their hands and faces after a meal. They throw food from their highchairs, and god help me if I try to feed them something new or that they decide they don't like. They throw their cups even before they drink anything, and when they actually drink, they let all the liquid dribble down their chins.
I know these are just things that babies do. But it all came on so suddenly! I feel like nothings fun anymore. My days are all just about trying to discipline effectively(though nothing ever seems to work)and cleaning up messes.
How do you moms get past this and learn to enjoy your days and your kids again. Right now I can barely muster up a smile. Any thoughts or advice would really be appreciated.

 

QUOTE(twinmom11 @ May 21 2007, 09:23 AM) [snapback]262979[/snapback]
Right now I can barely muster up a smile. Any thoughts or advice would really be appreciated.



:hug99: I know you don't feel like smiling but this could be very helpful! Humor, make things fun. This is a very challenging age, specially with 2 toddlers. There is not a whole bunch you can do to speed up this phase but there are things you can do to make your life easier. Whatever you do, make sure your consistant.

This too shall pass! Hang in there!

 

I don't have any advice but just wanted you to know you're not alone! I was just telling DH the other day that it seems like they day after they turned 1 things started getting rough! They don't like to eat ANYTHING and barely drink. They have gotten super whiney and don't seem to be entertained for very long. I'm really hoping it's just a phase we are working through. I thought it would be so much easier but I am having trouble getting anything done! Hang in there! I've decided to just have fun and go with it.

 

Keep in mind that I am not a SAHM, so this is probably easier for me to say (as daycare does a lot of the work for me) than it is to do -- but now is the time to pick a few rules, enforce them, and let everything else go. This may not make things a lot more fun in the short term, but it will pay off in the long term!

In our house, the things that are NOT allowed are:
- throwing food
- pouring liquid from their sippies
- walking around with food or drinks
- hitting & biting
- toy-stealing
- dangerous behavior (touching the oven, etc.)

Pretty much anything else is allowed.

The things they hate (having their faces washed, hair combed, getting out of the bath, etc.), we try to make fun. We also try to get them to tell or show us HOW they want to do it -- you'd be surprised what a difference this makes. For instance, they used to hate getting their hands washed after meals, until DH thought to fill the sink with soapy water and let them splash in it a little. Now they beg to have their hands washed! If they want to wear a hat while eating, fine. If they want to chew on their shoes while I'm changing their diapers, fine. If you can just figure out what bizarre little thing they've got their hearts set on, it can be like a magic happiness switch. (This last part has gotten a lot easier in the past couple of months since they learned just a few words.)

It does take patience and a sense of humor. And the eating thing is one that still drives me nuts. I basically never expect them to eat anything the first time they see it, so I only give them a bit, and make sure to offer one or two other things I know they will eat. But sometimes they surprise me, so it's always worth a shot.

 

I found that stage to be so frustrating! My cousin has a 13 month old and she just called the other day to say she was going nuts. It's a combination of teething, lack of communication skills, and not-quite-there physical skills that make the 12-18 month stage tough. I am one of the ones who say it got a lot better at 18 months. Mine really started talking then, and Ainsley finally started walking at almost 19 months which made things 100 times better.

Like Alden, I say pick a few things that are important to you, and do what you can to get through the rest. My biggies were hitting/shoving, throwing food and cups, and letting water out of the water cooler. Those got immediate removal from the situation and sometimes a time out. At meals, I would either take their sippy cup away if they kept throwing it, or in the case of food throwing, take the food away. Depending on the situation, I would turn their chair around so they were facing the wall for a minute. I did end a few meals early, they won't starve. Also, try redirection more than actually saying no and expecting them to follow through. With things like the water cooler, if they kept going to it, I changed rooms.

Anything else, do whatever works to cut down on the whining and tantrums. I also let them hold odd objects to quiet down during diaper changes (not so much an issue now, but it was then). I let them hold a washcloth during baths and I used another to wash them, and they would pretend wash themselves.
Hope that helps, good luck, it does get better!

 

Seems like this is the theme lately - I posted something similar a few days ago, and there have been other posts like it as well. You're not alone - ours are doing exactly everything you mentioned above, so I'm taking the mantra "This too shall pass". That's all I can do to keep from going insane, or feel like I'm a bad mommy.

:hug99:

 

Kelly and Alden gave great suggestions. I will add that I found 13-18 months very challenging. I completely understand what you are saying about the tantrums and the food issues. Communication was the big problem for us. As soon as Natalie started talking, she became so much more content. I could figure out what she needed/wanted and she had far fewer tantrums. The same for Gabe, but it happened later.

One thing I found that helped around that time was routine and consistency. I had a nap routine and a bedtime routine, but the days were a little less structured. Once I started doing the same things (or close to it) on a daily basis, they knew what to expect and they seemed calmer and less tantrum-prone. For example, after breakfast, we always played at their play table... either coloring, doing puzzles, playing with blocks, etc. After that we would read. Then they would watch 30 minutes of Little Einsteins or Backyardigans while I ate something and cleaned up a little. Then we would run errands or go to the park or do something that involved getting out of the house. Then a nap. Then we would have lunch.... etc. We followed the same routine pretty much every day. Now that they are a bit older, the routine has changed significantly, but they still really like their days to be predictable to some degree.

Hange in there... it will change soon!

 

I feel the same way. I feel very stressed and overwhelmed at the moment. Tessa has become especially clingy and isn't happy if I am holding her or if I sit her down. I think it is a combination of a "phase" and not feeling good due to an ear infection. I wish she was talking and could tell me what is wrong. Both aren't eating much lately and are having "meltdowns" that last about an hour at least once a day. I am hoping it is all a phase and will pass pretty soon.

 

I know where you are coming from. There are days when I feel like all I'm doing is playing catch up, always one step behind the boys and their messes. I can't seem to get ahead and I feel like if they throw their sippy cup one more time or fight me during a diaper change or if Spencer pushes Carter one more time I'm going to lose it.

On the days when I've totally had it with the boys I just try to get away for a little while by myself. It doesn't have to be anything big, maybe just grabbing a Coke and driving around or walking around a nearby store. Just something to get out of the house and away from the boys to regroup helps things seem more manageable. And chocolate, lots of chocolate.

 

I can't tell you how much better it makes me feel to know that other moms are going through the same thing. I am also very stressed and overwhelmed right now. My DD is walking and DS is almost there. Our biggest issue right now is that DS does not want to be put down. If he could spend every moment in his Daddy's arms, he would be happy! Our initial thought is to do the tough love thing and let him CIO on the floor but when we only have about 2 hours with the kids every night (we both work) there is no way I can let him spend 30 minutes of it crying! Of course, when they are at school all day he is fine, how can I blame him if he wants to be with us, right??

 

Maybe try teaching them a few signs so they can communicate better. When they can sign for more, eat, drink, finished, help etc, it seems to ease some of their frustrations and they may stop some frustrating behaviors. Babies seem to learn signs very quickly.

 

I don't think I cracked a smile until the kids were past 2 years old! But wait till they are 2! Things get soooooo much easier. I think that was a big turning point for me.

Things that helped me get through the first two years:
-I totally agree with rosie19: ROUTINE! Same routine day after day after day. It made things easier because I knew exactly what I had to do everyday and, more importantly, the kids knew exactly what they had to do everyday. It made everything less of a struggle because they knew what was coming up next.
-taking up people's offers to help, whether it's friends or family. Going to the grocery store, babysitting, cooking meals...if they offered it, I took it!
-getting a cleaning person to come once a week
-making sure the kids were not sleepy or hungry. They were much more coopertive when they were well fed and well rested.
-I tried to make foods that were easier to clean up. For example, green beans rather than spinach. Bread instead of rice. When I made vegetable soup, I gave them lots of vegetables and very little soup. But on the day the cleaning person was coming to the house, I felt free to give them all the spinach, soup, rice, and other messy foods I wanted.
-I also cut out alot of things that I probably should have done but was too stressed to do, like sending out Christmas cards. I figured that skipping a year or two wasn't going to hurt my relationships with those who were really important to me.

 

QUOTE(Monika @ May 21 2007, 09:09 AM) [snapback]263134[/snapback]
:hug99: I know you don't feel like smiling but this could be very helpful! Humor, make things fun. This is a very challenging age, specially with 2 toddlers. There is not a whole bunch you can do to speed up this phase but there are things you can do to make your life easier. Whatever you do, make sure your consistant.

This too shall pass! Hang in there!


I agree.

Discupline becomes such a focus. At about 18month, someone flipped a switch in my previously angelic dd and she became a demon from he**! She not only did the things you mentioned but when i would put her in time outs she would bite me and attack me. It was awful! Needless to say, she is nw the sweetest 8 y/o. Her terrible stage lasted until she was about 26 months or so. It was awful but with lots of consisitency and discipline it all worked out.

I get so tired of saying "no" all the time!

I feel for you!! my twins are just getting to the defiant stage too! :hug99:

 

completely agree with Alden.
set the boundaries, and consistently enforce them. if they throw cup once, then i flick the hand if they do it again then they don't get the cup on their tray. it stays on the table till they ask for it (at that age by word or sign).
I don't tolerate rolling while changing diapers. i spent a lot of time role playing with a baby doll what was good behavior and what makes mommy sad (aka mad).

 

QUOTE(twinmom11 @ May 21 2007, 09:23 AM) [snapback]262979[/snapback]
How do you moms do it! It seems as though as soon as my kids turned one everything has become so much more challenging. They kick and scream when I wash their hair, change their diapers, wipe their hands and faces after a meal. They throw food from their highchairs, and god help me if I try to feed them something new or that they decide they don't like. They throw their cups even before they drink anything, and when they actually drink, they let all the liquid dribble down their chins.
I know these are just things that babies do. But it all came on so suddenly! I feel like nothings fun anymore. My days are all just about trying to discipline effectively(though nothing ever seems to work)and cleaning up messes.
How do you moms get past this and learn to enjoy your days and your kids again. Right now I can barely muster up a smile. Any thoughts or advice would really be appreciated.

 

My twins didn't stay in this stage too long as I had read a lot of books before they came and just followed what worked for me and them.
Things that I found really helped:
1. schedules/routine
2. music in their room, they have a princess cd player and lullaby songs, helps a lot as if one isn't tired but other is one will sing and dance until they are both sleeping, this helps in car too as know music and know time to sleep when it is on
3. signing, library has tons, look up baby signing ones they are best
4. using cave man speech from happiest toddler on the block book
5. I refrain using the word NO unless absolutely necessary I.E. to get them away from a dangerous or harmful situation quickly
6. Common words used in our house: careful, be nice (like be nice to sissy, be nice to the book, be nice to mommy), stop, stay, ouchy (will hurt if you touch), yucky (don't touch or mommy will be mad...lol), auh auh "while shaking head" (get that out of your mouth, or don't put in your mouth if you catch them before hand)
7. time out

hope this helps

 

18 months was the turning point at our house, so there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Like pp said, consistancy/schedules. Mine always melted down if I missed snack times, so we kept that schedule and sleep pretty tight. I also used some basic signs, eat, more drink play. This helped with frustration levels on all our parts. We also tried to introduce word that help now like "share" and "trade" and know it changes!

Good luck, try to laugh as much as possible and focus on the fun parts!

Chris

 

I think it's all relative ... for me, nothing will ever be harder than the infant stage. Even now that they are INTO everything all day long, it's easier for me to deal with this stage.

With that, I can understand your frustrations. Basically, about food throwing, cup throwing, etc. just try and not let it bother you. At least don't let them see it bother you. Just make it a point to ask for their cup and take plate away when they throw food. Nothing else needs to be said at this age. Now, at 16 months, my girls are finally not doing much food throwing and they hardly toss their cups anymore.

Pick your battles. It will save you. Also, start off each day trying to not let these little things bother you. That to me is the key to managing motherhood in general.

Good luck!!!!

 

QUOTE(twinmom11 @ May 21 2007, 02:23 PM) [snapback]262979[/snapback]
How do you moms do it! It seems as though as soon as my kids turned one everything has become so much more challenging. They kick and scream when I wash their hair, change their diapers, wipe their hands and faces after a meal. They throw food from their highchairs, and god help me if I try to feed them something new or that they decide they don't like. They throw their cups even before they drink anything, and when they actually drink, they let all the liquid dribble down their chins.
I know these are just things that babies do. But it all came on so suddenly! I feel like nothings fun anymore. My days are all just about trying to discipline effectively(though nothing ever seems to work)and cleaning up messes.
How do you moms get past this and learn to enjoy your days and your kids again. Right now I can barely muster up a smile. Any thoughts or advice would really be appreciated.


For a while I'd use a leg to pin them down while I changed their diapers. lol

We went threw the "throwing food" stage. When took all the food away and would only give them a piece at a time. They really had to earn the privalege of having a pile of food. We also gave 1 warning after thrown food, and then a time out. It took a few months, but they got through that stage. For a while we were able to have nice meals and even eat out! Now we've hit teh terrible twos and dining out is a challenge again, for other reasons.

I believe it ends around college.... lol

Mostly, I do as many playdates as possible with another mom and her 2 yo son. For some reason, when our kids have a meltdown, its not as big of a deal with we can look at each other and laugh about it. I also take night classes to talk to adults; dh has child-duty those nights and its almost like a mini-vacation! lol

 

I also have found toddlerhood to be much more challenging than the first year. As our communication improves, things do seem to get better. Humor helps for me when they're on that last nerve and not listening. I also try to step outside myself for a moment and see things from their point of view and limited experience.

As others have mentioned, it's important to pick your battles and be consistent. They do much better when they know exactly what to expect (routines are important for the same reason). Praise their efforts when they do things right -- it really helps balance out all of the times you have to say no. I have them do little jobs for me and they do love to be helpful which keeps them out of trouble for a while (and they're getting pretty good at sweeping the deck!)

Right now we're at a point where they know what is allowed but they will still push the limits all the while making it clear they know they are pushing. They just want the reinforcement that the reaction will be the same.

 

I agree with PP that said that infancy was harder - right now I don't let them have food on their tray (except cheerios) because they are lazy at feeding themselves - and they just play with their food...as for cup flinging - I've learned to anticipate it and catch it on the way down - or if I get 2 throws in a row then I know they're done...as for running off bare a$$ed during a diaper change - as long as their little butts are clean I just laugh and chase them down cuz they'res nothing cuter than baby butts!