Getting over the guilt

When do you get over the guilt of having 2 of them at the same time? Sometimes they just require so much attention that I just feel so disconnected from my babies bc I'm so concerned about making sure formula is ready and they are happy. It just feels like I don't get as much 1 on 1 time snuggling with them....I sit on the floor and snuggle both and DH and I take turns with our morning and bedtime bottles so we each get to snuggle the other one but I still feel so guilty!!! I feel like they are going to be anti-social or not like to be cuddled or something! I know I'm just crazy, but the guilt takes over sometimes!

 

Honestly, I still feel guilty sometimes. But I think that goes along with having more than 1 child (heck, I felt guilty at times when I only had one child!). I remember thinking that Sullivan shouldn't have to cry while Finley got his diaper changed - how sad I felt for the "other" baby when I was holding one. And I still have to choose who is the most upset at times and attend to his needs first. It is hard being a momma, especially a momma to twins! Your feelings are completely normal - and just the fact that you are worried about it shows how much you care. It sounds like your babies are getting plenty of snuggling, cuddling and one on one time!! As they get older and a bit more independent, I bet you start feeling less guilty. Try to shed those guilty feelings - they aren't very helpful and just end up making you feel bad about yourself. I know, easier said than done.

But honestly, basic needs (diapers, food, clothing, etc.) - babies learn trust and love by having their basic needs met. You are doing that as well as spending as much cuddle time as possible - your babies are getting everything they need! Try not to worry! :hug:

 

I feel the same way with my older ds. I feel he isn't getting the attention that he needs from me since most of my attention is on the twins. It does get better as time goes on. The twins can sit in a bouncy seat and be distracted by the toys that hang from the bar or play under the floor gym and bat at the toys. During that time, I am able to focus on my ds. I try and take the first 1/2 hour or so after the twins go down for their morning nap and spend it with my ds.

Your dc will be just fine. They are going to love any time you spend with them. Something that I do here is set their naps so that one goes down 1/2 before the other so whoever is still up, gets extra time with you and whoever went down early, will get up earlier and then you can spend time with that one.

A funny story: I had both boys laying on my bed after diaper changing and I was talking with both. Riley would get loud and as soon as I would look at him, he would get quiet and give me a big grin! I tried paying attention to Jonathan and Riley would get loud again, and again he would smile really big when I would look at him! He has learned to get my attention!! Silly boy!

 

:hug: it's such a tough thing - i know i've struggled with it. i think it's something you just have to choose to let go though, otherwise it can really eat away at you. as a PP mentioned though, easier said than done. just the other day we were at my ILs place & i was rushing around trying to get their high chairs set up & their food prepped and all that stuff while my MIL sat on the floor playing & giggling with my babies - i felt so jealous! i feel sometimes like i never have time to just sit & enjoy my little babies - especially since their first birthday seems to be approaching way way too fast. it's so hard sometimes. :hug:

 

I can totally relate!! As a pp said though, it sounds like you're doing the best you can and you're babies are well-taken-care-of and will grow up knowing they are much-loved!

 

It's something I think we all struggle with. You are doing a great job so far, and honestly I think having guilt just shows that you are a great mom. I found that my babies really like when I sing or tell stories so if I am taking care of one of their needs, I talk to the other one. I sing LOUD songs and do lots of gestures and weird noises so I can get them both giggling even if I'm only holding one of them. You'll find what works for your babies and soon they will be more comfortable amusing themselves when you can't be with them, and the guilt will lessen. I don't know if it really goes away completely, but it gets easier the more independent they get.

I also used to do some of the things you aren't *supposed to do* to sneak in extra cuddle time. When they were little and would still fall asleep nursing, sometimes I would let them just fall asleep on both sides of me on the nursing pillow. I'd just lay my head back and enjoy having them cuddled up next to me. I also did a modified co-sleeping some nights. If one woke up, I'd bring that one to bad and nurse them there so we could cuddle for a little while until I put them back in their crib (I was too nervous to actually sleep, but it was nicer to be cuddled up - sometimes I would keep one with me until the other woke up...until they stopped waking up to nurse ). During the day, I used a baby bjorn a LOT to get other things done so I could have one with me while I did basic busy work (dishes, laundry, etc.) and I would trade off so they both got extra mommy time. And sometimes I just let everything else go (dishes can pile up sometimes...it's ok!) so I can play with them. I know I could be a lot more productive during the day if I just plopped them down and did the work that needed to be done, but instead I do it during naps and after they go to bed so that when they are awake, I'm paying full attention to them.

 

This is the biggest reason I went to pumping 3 times a day instead of every 3 hours. I spent no time with the boys that I felt guilty. Ever since I did that I feel free to love on them. At every feeding I switch to the one that did not sit with me while DH has the other.

I think that this is normal and you are doing a great job. We are all in survival mode and that is all we can do, we are only one person!

You are doing great,
JEnn