"Get over yourself... it's only twins"

Things said to me (at the park, mall, library, and children's museum) within the last 2 and a half weeks...


Mother of 2 year old twins and a 4 year old singleton: "The hardest part about having twins is my older child. If it were only the twins, I'd have so much free time."


Mother of 3 year old and 2 year old: "I know what it's like to have twins. My two kids are just over a year apart." And then the grandmother continued: "It's easier to have twins, isn't it? They are doing the same things."


Mother of GGG 20 month triplets: "Wow, if I only had twins I'd feel like I was on a vacation."

[The response I wanted to give here: Wow! Did you just fall off the b*tch tree and hit every branch on the way down?]


Clueless woman with 3 year old singleton: "I've always wanted twins. It would be easier than having one child because they have someone to play with while you can do your own thing."


Okay... Am I being oversensitive or are these comments really annoying? (Has anyone had similar experiences?) Here's the part I find curious: everyone feels compelled to compare/contrast about how much harder their lives are.



How would you respond to these people? Mostly I just replied with "yeah, I guess so" which is a pretty lame response.

Sometimes I truly believe that the hardest part about having twins is not taking care of the twins, but all of unsolicited comments from complete strangers!!!!

Lesson learned: Maybe the kids and I need to find new places to hang out. (I suppose I should just be thankful that no one has recently asked "Twins? Are they natural or do they run in your family?")


What irritating things have other toddler parents asked of you?

 

Those are annoying comments. I especially hate the comments of those with kids that are close in age. It's not the same thing. i don't presume I know anything about raising two kids of different ages cause I don't know what it's like. It's just different. I would just nod my head with a thoughtful frown on my face with a simple, "Ahh," and maybe a shrug of my shoulders. Pretty lame I suppose, but I'm afraid if I open my mouth, I might speak my thoughts, and those aren't so nice.

I just try to remember that when comments like that are made, people just don't know any better. It's up to me to decide if it's worth my time to educate them, or just move on. I know better for my circumstances. I don't know better with someone else's circumstances. I may look at someone else with twins and they look like they have everything together while I am a mess. Most of the time, they are just keeping their cool in public and they are the same frazzled mess at home and especially in their minds. So, not everyone realizes that things are not what they appear to be a lot of the time. It's better to ask questions (annoying questions even) and learn something than to make silly assumptions, learn nothing of the reality they see, and then go proclaim to know the answers.

 

Really, the only one that would annoy me is the comment about having kids close in age is just like having twins - or even harder.

I have a singleton plus twins and when my singleton is at the grandparents' houses, I do feel like I have a lot of extra time. They take naps, he doesn't, they go to bed earlier, there is less laundry, fewer baths to give, nails to trim, fewer emotional needs to attend to, etc. I'm not saying it is harder to have a singleton plus twins at all, but I would never be offended by someone with more kids telling me that when they "only" had 3 kids they felt like they had more free time. ardon:

And triplets? I can't even imagine having triplets! :faint: A triplet mom could say just about anything to me about how easy twins would be compared to triplets and I'd just nod my head in awe that she was able to pull herself and her triplets together enough to leave the house! :laughing:

I would never make comments on who has it easier or harder. It is very much different for anyone - parents' personalities, parents' health, kids' personalities, kids' health, family support, financial issues, etc. But I don't get too offended when others do. I think people just try to make conversation sometimes and make themselves feel better about their own lives. If telling me that having kids 12 months apart is the same as having twins (or harder even), I'd just go on about my business and maybe say, "I'm sure each have their own unique challenges."

 

I've told people before that I liked the first one so much I had her cloned. This shuts them up real fast

 

I think I can understand some of those comments to be honest. There's no doubt to me that having another kid is harder, and I can't even imagine triplets :crazy:

It does bother me though when people think that having two close in age is the same... it's so not. I know some moms who adopted kids 6 months apart and say that they get it, no, they can't, at least not at this age. And how having two is easier because they keep each other company - yes, that's great, I won't lie, but that doesn't make it easier - plus when you have two kids of a different age they keep each other company too!

 

I just don't listen. I have no idea what people are talking about 99.99% of the time anyway so I can't compute. I'm just like "oh ya, uh huh yep.. sure.." Lol. It doesn't matter to me anyway so I just smile and nod. Water off a duck's back.

Not a big deal.

Annoying, perhaps, but really.. anything can be annoying IF you allow it to be.
People always feel the need to "one up" people- I have no idea why- but it makes them feel better about themselves. I just let them do it. Doesn't affect me.

 

It definitely can be annoying that everyone wants to put their two cents in. I don't totally disagree with any of the statement but I also don't feel it was necessary for them to say it and make you feel bad.

1."The hardest part about having twins is my older child. If it were only the twins, I'd have so much free time."
I think anytime you add children to a family it is more work. I have 4 and I know that having just the twins would be easier. BUT, that being said, every child and situation is different. I find my Dd more difficult then all 3 of my other kids put together.

2. "I know what it's like to have twins. My two kids are just over a year apart." And then the grandmother continued: "It's easier to have twins, isn't it? They are doing the same things."
I don't think that having children a year apart could compared to the first year or two of having twins. After that I don't think it would be much different. But again it depends on the kids and the situation.

3. "Wow, if I only had twins I'd feel like I was on a vacation."
Triples would most likely be harder then twins but I honestly think I would have preferred three happy babies to the two colicky babies with reflux that I had at the time. If someone had colicky triplets then my hats off to them that they get through it!

4. "I've always wanted twins. It would be easier than having one child because they have someone to play with while you can do your own thing."
Yes, it is nice to have two that play together. I always wanted twins as well and was happy when I found out I was having them. The thing that the girl is forgetting though is that although they play together, they can fight just as much.



I can understand why you would feel upset with those comments. Some people just don't think before they speak but most likely they were just trying to relate to you or trying to make them selves feel better.


I believe no one should judge unless they've walked a mile in your shoes.

 

I don't know, most of those comments wouldn't bother me.

This one in particular -"I've always wanted twins. It would be easier than having one child because they have someone to play with while you can do your own thing." People say something similar to me all the time & I actually agree with them. I know that if I had just 1 baby this last time it would have been harder on some levels because they wouldn't have had a playmate, with all the other kids being so much older. And my two do play together, all the time. It is easier for me now, without a doubt, but it wasn't true of the first couple of years.

"The hardest part about having twins is my older child. If it were only the twins, I'd have so much free time." This one is somewhat true for me too. I know when all three of the older kids are out with friends or at school, things are definitely easier. I don't know about having more free time, there isn't ever enough free time in my world! But it is all relative, just because it is easier for me with just the twins, doesn't mean that I think having twins is easy at all.

As far as having siblings close together being the same as having twins, I think that after the first 2 or maybe 3 years, it really is true. But those first 2 years with twins is definitely way harder than having 2 babies who are at least a year apart in age.

Really, with most of the comments I get, I just realize that people are for some reason fascinated & attracted to twins & they want to say something and sometimes what they say might not be the most thoughtful in our mind. But, I really do think they mean well, so I just smile & nod and move on and don't let it bother me.

 

I agree with this, except that having two children in the same grade can be pretty difficult too.

 

I'm the odd man out when it comes to twins or kids close in age. I would never for the life of me ever ever ever ever ever have my kids as close in age as my older ones. I would take twins ANY day over that again.

As for any of the comments tho, we all have different tolerance levels and different ways of dealing with things. We can never know what someone else is experiencing and its not just the children themselves but the rest of the things going on in our and their lives. Whether your mother is sick and dying of cancer, or your grandmother just died of a heart attack. If your house burned down, or the bank didn't lend money because of a missed signature on a bank application. Whether you spilled the milk 10 times that morning trying to make two bottles or you dropped a poopy diaper dirty side down on the floor you just washed. Those things may be easy to deal with if your mother didn't go for chemo the day before, or your grandmother hadn't died.

Its all a matter of perception and so many factors involved.

 

I try not to let those comments bother me. They have no idea what my life is like and vice versa. I do think the first year with twins is way harder than having kids a year apart. After that, I think it's probably pretty similar. My best friend has 4 boys and I think that is way harder than my 2 girls. I'm sure there are days it's harder and days it's easier. It totally depends on the kid's personalities as well as the parent's. My MIL tried telling me that having her kids 5 years apart was still hard. This is in response to me complaining about how exhausted I was. This is also when mine were younger. I just laughed. She had NO idea what she is talking about. That is totally NOT the same.

 

I don't think most of those are inaccurate. I think having another child (older/younger or a triplet) would be a ton more work, can't even imagine how I'd do it, and for all the craziness of having twins, I do like it that at least they're on the same page developmentally, eating, sleeping, etc. And now they do play with each other really well and keep each other busy. Sometimes I think that at this age singletons of different ages might be harder - just balancing their different needs.

BUT - I would never go up to somebody and start making comments about who has it easier or harder! And I especially would not go up to a mother of small children (heck, of even ONE small child!) and tell her she's got it so easy because blah blah blah. Everyone's got their challenges. A friend of mine had "just" one baby - and that baby had severe colic until well after 9 mo, screamed inconsolably nonstop despite everything checking out OK, and slept so little (no matter what they tried - CIO, babywearing, the whole gamut) that when they finally had another baby, they got worried that he was sleeping "SOOO much" and asked the pedi about it, and the pedi asked how many hrs a day, and they said about 11 hrs total per 24. When their new baby was 3 mo. And that was a LOT of sleep compared to the first. :faint: So anyway, I try to never make assumptions based on how many kids I see!

ETA: Just wanted to add that you totally made me :rotflmbo: with this:

I know I will be thinking of this when situations arise!!! :rofl:

 

So I asked DH for his input and he says the #1 problem is that I appear too "approachable." In other words, he basically told me to just AVOID EYE CONTACT, and keep a straight face. No goofy grins or smiling because that encourages others to kick up a conversation with you.


And...
Just so you can get a context for what was happening with the triplet mom's comment...I had just popped in two extra strength tylenol pills, and I casually mentioned that I need them round-the-clock sometimes to endure my life known as Hell (yes, I was having a bad day). Which is when she replied with "wow, twins would be a vacation etc etc"...

 

This is my biggest pet peeve twin remark. Nothing is like twins unless you have had them. I think they are just trying to relate to them.

DH hates when people say Are they twins? Identical? and has started replying "They are 3 months apart and penis, no penis" as he points to DS and DD. Unfortunately, we usually get these comments at the doctors office of all places by the MA's and nurses. It's like really...you are a medical professional and should know better.

 

I'll be the odd man out with you! I'd take twins any day over babies born within the same year. When people tell me they know what it's like I tell them, No, actually I had it easier. My kids eat at the same time, poop at the same time and started solids at the same time. I didn't have to do bottles and sippy cups or purees while trying to keep finger foods away from the other. However, I don't mention all the tears shed the first three months. I feel better out of the situation.

I ignore most of the comments now, but they used to really bother me.

 

They wouldn't annoy me that much ardon:

I'm one of those mom's that often says if I just had twins and not my youngest, my life would be SOOO much easier! I also sometimes think that triplets would be so much easier (at THIS age) then having my 2.5 year old twins and a 1.5 year old. They would all be on their way to talking, they would all be on the same schedule, they would all be eating the same things.
However I keep this stuff to myself and I do think that the stuff that comes out of peoples mouths are crazy!

 

I have a beef in general with people who try to win the "My life sucks more than yours" contest, but those particular comments seem pretty benign to me (depending on the tone, of course -- any comment is annoying if the subtext is, "Shut yer trap and stop complaining.")

I agree with PPs that I'd rather have twins than two kids that are really close in age. The only thing harder than having two newborns at the exact same time is having more than two! But after about 6 months, I honestly think it was easier (for me) than if they were 1-2 years apart. When my twins were toddlers, and my friends had kids in the 12-24 month range and were having their second kids, I felt like my life was easier than theirs.

Of course, when I said that, they looked at me like I was insane. So, I guess it was good that we each thought our lives were easier than the other moms'!

 

I get comments from friends of newborn Singletons! "Well at least you had a night nanny and a mothers helper" I try very hard not to play the twins card "I have twins and have it harder than you..." and they still give me comments.

However as they get older and I talk to other mothers of much older twins I do realize the benefits of "just" having twins. When I'm feeling especially spunky I say "well this one looks more like the fertility doctor so he may come knocking one day and I'll just have the one..."

 

Personally I think having twins would seem like a vacation compared to triplets but that's just me. I think my singleton was a vacation compared to my twins but I wonder if I said that to a singleton mom how she would feel about that.

I try to ignore comments. I do think most people don't mean to be rude and just don't think before they speak. I try to concentrate on the fact that at least people are trying to have a conversation with me as opposed to just not speaking at all. I bet once you get to know the real people behind the comments that most of them are nice people who were just trying to find something to talk about and voice an opinion about something they have a limited perspective with.

Try ignoring such strange comments and changing the conversation to something different. hopefully they will turn out to be nice people.

 

Meh, whatever. For the triplet comment, imagine someone saying something about how hard their singleton is, and then you saying "a singleton would be like a vacation."

Really, I know a lot of moms with two very close in age, and after they are say 3-4 yrs old, it really isn't that different. They can play together, take a lot of the same activities, are somewhat on the same development level, and you still have two kids to take everywhere.

Sometimes I wish Caleb had a twin to keep him company. Yes, now that the girls started school, it's "easier" during the day, but he just has me now, which can be both good and bad.

I really don't let these comments bother me.

 

Thanks for the input. Thought I won the bad comment lottery these past 2.5 weeks though. :FIFblush: Need tougher skin, I guess.