Fuming when I came home!

I left dh home with the three kids while I went back to TRU to get the boys bday gift. I rarely leave before bedtime to help out, but sometimes, its nice to get away for a bit. So dh did dinner, cleanup, playtime, etc with them. Don't get me wrong-he's great and he can do that all with no problem and no complaints.

However, I deal with all the issues at home, alone, ALL. THE. TIME. I came home and Anthony walked into the kitchen and I can tell he was crying-there were still tears in his eyes. I asked what happened and Nicholas came over and started hitting the dishwasher. And said, "DaDa, DaDa!" So-I thought he got hurt with the dishwasher. I asked what hurt, or where he was hurt and I saw his left hand. The whole top was red, and there seemed to be a mark on it.

I asked DH what happened and he was avoiding the question... Finally, through clenched teeth I asked him again and he gave me the answer. He hit Anthony. Now-this isn't a debate. I've told dh that I personally don't believe in hitting. It's how *I* was raised and that's how I choose to raise my kids. So-dh understands my stance on it.

I asked him WHY he hit him. He said he was feeding Annabella and Anthony was hitting her. He told him to stop. He didn't. And he did it again. And so in turn, dh hit Anthony-for hitting Annabella. To me-that's a double standard. He doesn't think Anthony should be hitting Annabella, and in turn he hits him.

I was fuming and trying not to get upset(crying) while talking to dh about it. I could tell, when I was talking to dh, that he was visibly upset that it happened. He said he was frustrated with him. I asked him what he was going to do if it happened again? Can I leave him alone with the kids? Doesn't he think I get frustrated too?

I KNOW he is upset it happened. He feels horrible that it got to that point. I told him he needs to stand up and walk away. Or, put the baby in a safe place, and then deal with Anthony. You have to think on your feet and not let emotions get in the way. I know we ALL get frustrated. It's part of parenthood-and toddlerhood!

So-do you and your dh/so/partner disagree in how to handle different things? I know he feels bad, I could see the tears in his eyes. It just makes me mad I wasn't here to stop it, or to help dh deal with the issue at hand.

 

First of all, do not beat yourself up over this :hug: I think you did the right thing in addressing it with DH and giving him different options on how to handle this kind of situation again. There are times where my DH and I do disagree on how to handle certain situations and it's something we usually have to hash out because I always feel it is important that we present a united front for the kids, especially when it comes to discipline.

 

Okay, deep breath. First off, it doesn't sound like you and DH disagree on how to handle things -- it sounds like you *are* on the same page about hitting, but he just lost his temper. It happens.

When you're both calm, talk about techniques you can use when you're about to lose it. My thing is to repeat, "Be kind. Be kind. I'm the adult. She's the child. Be kind..." in my head non-stop, when I'm about to scream at someone or want to smack him/her.

It takes a lot of practice to parent well, and if the kids are usually with you all day, sounds like DH just doesn't have as much experience with handling all three. Don't beat yourself up, don't beat him up. If you know he feels badly, then I wouldn't second-guess him and ask if you can trust him with the kids. IMHO, it was just a mistake. (I'm taking a parenting class through Nadia's school right now, and I swear, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong!)

Just have a good talk about it, and move forward!

 

My DH and I agree that we aren't going to spank (I wasn't hit as a child and he was). However I can understand for someone who doesn't do it all day every day how something like that can happen. It does sound like your DH agrees based on him being remorseful, it sounds like it was a regrettable action.
I think it's hard when you're not conditioned to the loud, crying, drama that happens 20 times a day EVERYDAY. Even I at times find myself tapping my DD's hands a bit too much/hard when I don't want her to touch something, our primal emotions can override us sometimes.

 

Meg,

I had this great response all ready to go, and then I read Becca's. It's exactly what I would have said, but better. So read her response again and pretend it's from me, k? But seriously... DH messed up. And it sounds like he knows it. Forgive him, and tell him to forgive himself... and then help him learn how to deal with stressful kid situations because you know this won't be the last time that your kids push his buttons.

 

So true. My DH doesn´t have the patience that I have as I spend more time with our LOs. I have to admit I agree with TaurusTwins when she writes that she finds herself tapping at DD´s hands a bit to much/hard as Im also guilty of this. I gently slapped DS´s hands the other day and he looked confused and surprised. I felt awful. It doesnt happen often and I felt really bad after even though I hadn´t caused pain. I think your DH reacted in the heat of the moment and he obviously regrets the situation. It´s great you´ve talked about it but I think you should forgive him and help him to forgive himself. It´s hard to do that (my DH drives me nuts daily!) but you´ll be fine. GL & good for you for being cool about it all!

 

i would be furious and i would have serious trust issues about leaving DH alone with them again.

that's not a recommendation for how you would feel, that's how i would feel. but i go into mama-bear mode lightning fast and DH and i already have issues with me being unwilling to trust him to keep his temper. he frequently has to defend himself by pointing to all of the awesome daddy things he does and all of the times he handles stress without cracking because all it takes is one slip and one raised voice and i leap into protective mama-bear mode again.

so what i'm saying is, don't react the way i would. ardon:

 

Great post and I agree with what Becca said. :good:

We all make mistakes. :hug: :hug:

 

I think you're always going to have disagreements about how to handle the kids. I was furious with my DH when he called one of our kids stupid one day. It still makes me angry to think about it. I'd be annoyed in that situation, too. I have no problem with spanking (although leaving a mark on a kid is too much), but I do think any discipline needs to be done while you are in control. Maybe one thing your DH can do is completely remove the troublesome kid from the situation, such as taking the kid and putting him in his crib. I suppose it's a time out for the kid, but it's also a time out for the parent. I've had to do this with the boys sometimes, so I can calm down.

 

I can relate to this too. I agree that Becca had a great post, totally agree.
The other thing that comes to mind is since your husband doesn't have the experience you do with them, he may in the heat of the moment fall back on his only other point of reference - his own upbringing.
My MIL has told us several times that when her youngest bit her, she bit him back and he never bit her again. When one of my guys bit my husband, he looked at me and said "What do I do? Should I bite him?" Of course I said no and we had a long talk about how kids brains just haven't matured enough to understand consequences or feel empathy so it wouldn't do any good. After that talk he understood but he was really at a loss at the time.
What he did wasn't ok but I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I bet he won't do it again.

 

you've gotten great responses and i think you handled it well..... dh and i are in agreement about the things we've thought/talked about, but there never seems to be enough time to do either!. also, he has way less expereience being aorund children, and way more trouble holding his temper. so, we try to talk through it all. i try to bear in mind that he's just naive about certain things, but his intention is to always treat our kids well and learn how to teach them to respect and love themselves and each other.

it's a process.

gl!

 

I think I need a time-out more than the kids do!
I have to remind myself several times day " they are 1, just 1, they are only 1". They are exhibiting normal toddler behavior and its very hard to know how to respond to get the reaction you want when you are in the midst of the situation.
Im glad you all talked about it. hopefully it wont be happening again\ :hug:

On a side note, when I came home from work on Friday the kids were drinking their sippy cups that DH had filled earlier. Apparently he's ok with giving them SODA as long as its decaffeinated (orange crush). I was furious. His defense was " well I couldn't find the juice, it doesn't have caffiene and at least its 100 calories". Men. sometimes they just do dumb things. Umm how about milk or water?