Frustrated with Unsolicited Advice

Is anyone else tired of having strangers and even friends come up and give unsolicited advice about pregnancy? This may only be applicable to first time moms. I had a co-worker ask me this morning if I should be drinking the Coke on my desk, but she didn't understand that I have a splitting headache that I am trying to get rid of. And I am tired of having people tell me what kind of shoes I should wear. Don't they think that I am bright enough to listen to my body? Sure, I wear 1.5" clogs, but my back feels so much better in these than in perfectly flat shoes. Also, I had a friend look at me strange when I went to put on my seatbelt. She actually thought that I would rather fly out of the windshield than protect me and my unborn children. What ticks me off is that because my husband and I experienced a stillbirth last year at almost 32 weeks, women who have had "successful" pregnancies feel the need to "help" me by telling me what to do. Can you feel my frustration?

What do you ladies do when you get advice that you haven't asked for? Maybe it's not that big a deal and I am in the middle of one of my hormonal surges that my DH so lovingly endures. As you can see, I am quite frustrated BUT I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU LISTENING.

 

By no means you are not alone! One of the things that frustrated me, and still does is when these people give you the advice and you think....that really does not apply to me since I have 2 in here instead of one.
I just grin and bear it.

QUOTE
What ticks me off is that because my husband and I experienced a stillbirth last year at almost 32 weeks, women who have had "successful" pregnancies feel the need to "help" me by telling me what to do.


HMMMM, that would really strike a nerve with me. Perhaps you could tell them something along the lines of....my dr. is giving me the best possible care with this twin pregnancy, BUT thanks for your advice. ????

BTW congrats on your twins!!!!

 

For me, a lot depends on who the advice is coming from. Sometimes I get really irritated, feeling like I don't need to be micromanaged. But there are a handful of people I don't mind getting pregnancy tips from. I just moved from Western PA (where people I knew had an independent attitude and were very helpful if I asked about something but otherwise assumed I knew what I was doing) down to GA (where a lot of people knew me as a child, and southerners in general seem to have *no* problem putting their two cents in!).

One woman got obsessed with the idea that we needed to have a rocking chair and I needed to start rocking the babies immediately (I'm 20 wks along). I thanked her and let her know that I was doing a good amount of movement--like swimming, walking, gentle exercise, etc., and wasn't too worried about getting a rocking chair at this point. After that, she continued telling other people that I needed a rocking chair, and eventually another family gave us a glider. I'm really glad for the glider, but annoyed at how it came about. On the other hand, she has one child who was developmentally slow growing up, and she blames herself for not moving around enough during that pregnancy. I rather think it was her guilt feelings motivating the whole incident, so I tried to be kind.

A couple of things I've tried...one is just smiling and/or saying thanks and continuing with what I'm doing. If it's someone I'm close to, I'll give them a brief explanation for why what I'm doing is safe, trying to let them know both that the activity is safe and that I've done my research, i.e. "studies show that two or less cups of coffee a day are okay," etc.

 

Smile...and ignore! Works best.
Its get much more fun '
AFTER' the babies are born. Then the people who don't even have twins think they know best.

 

LOL at this point in my pregnancy, I've begun to speak my mind more than ever. If I receive any unsolicited advice, I sure let them know it's unsolicited!!! I've been through a pregnancy two times prior to this, I think I know what I'm doing, thank you! :winking0009:

 

How about advice (and judgment) from women who aren't pregnant, have never been pregnant, and completely disagree with your choices and have no qualms about voicing them?

A friend of mine (we were very close in college, she was in my wedding) who has never been pregnant actually gave me her unfavorable opinion on planned c-sections right after I had explained that I was planning one! WTF?!?! This is my choice, and it's been made, and I feel pretty darned good about it!

Also, I mentioned that I was going to paint the nursery as soon as I found out the sexes of my twins, and she said "you shouldn't expose yourself to paint, it's not safe!" Well, my doctor says I can paint all I like with latex paint, so step off, sister!

 

I totally hear you on this topic! I get sooooo frustrated with people telling me what they think I should be doing, or how big I should/shouldn't be, or how to take care of twins afterward etc. Even from some of our friends who have had twins...while I appreciate them sharing what they did I don't agree and it just gets frustrating when they get self righteous. I guess that I feel this is a learning exp. and while I take a little from everything I read or hear and from others experiences I also feel that all babies, eveyr baby whether single or twin or more, is different and so every persons exp. is going to be different as well.

I think the people that give advice with no room for any other idea or opinions are the ones that frustrate me the most. LIke their way is the ONLY way to do things.

 

I am beyond tired of dealing with it.... It comes from everyone I see but the worst for me to deal with is from family...
DF's stepmother and father are the worst when it comes to unsolicited advice. Mainly her, but he goes along with it all. Like they told Jay I shouldn't go on the boat...(doc says if they go slow, and careful it would be fine!) His dad said, "Well Cheri says not to get too attatched yet, you could still lose the babies..." I was beyond angry!! I told my mother and his mother, both of whom wanted to call her a ream her a new one...if you know what I mean... but I just laughed it off...She's that type of person.... when we first got our kitten, she told us not to buy a big bag of food, cuz the kitten might die! She is a pessimist through and through... So I saw her yesterday and I without telling her I new what she had been saying, I said, Well the great thing is that even if we had them now they would still have a wonderful chance of survival....She went on about how no, its too soon.... And I was getting really mad.... So I said, Sorry Cheri, but I'm gonna believe what my doctor tells me over what you think! And stormed away.... Jay said she told him she didn't understand why I was upset!!
Some people just don't get it! The worst is unsolicited advice from family! Strangers you can tell off!!
Good luck.... you'll figure out what works for you!!

Shannon

 

I think it's ridiculous that people would offer you advice based on your stillbirth last year... that implies that it was your fault and you could have prevented it. That's just stupid and insenstive. Hopefully these women aren't really thinking about it that way... Unless you are doing something really horrible for your babies I don't think the advice is all that helpful. I can appreciate when women ask questions about a twin pg...but not when they try to offer advice if they've never been pg or been pg with twins. I don't think I had too many people around me doing that when I was pg with the twins. Most of my friends and family were either so far removed from pg or had not had kids yet, so they didn't even try to offer advice. My aunt was a little pushy for the c/s...but she's an anesthesiologist...so I can understand her pessimism... I've forbidden my mother from bringing up the topic of VBAC with her (which is what I want this time around.) So instead I brought it up with my aunt last weekend... I made it very clear to her that all my ob/gyn's are not ony open to it but actually encouraging me in that direction. I detailed their precautions (no inductions...no allowing me to go past 40 weeks, etc. ) She didn't get too pushy about it or say anything really bad. But if she says anything to my mom later on, I'm sure I'll hear about it. As far as innocent, but annoying advice... I mostly answer, "Oh really?" (in a clueless kind of way) to anything that I find especially annoying.. that way the person catches my drift..that I don't agree and don't appreciate their point of view. or at the very least they think I'm considering their viewpoint and will then lay off.

 

I could not stand it! I would be at the nail place letting my toes dry and people would come up and ask if I was pg and I would say yes. One woman went so far as to ask me if I was taking my vitamins, drinking my milk, getting enough water during the day. I got so fed up with her that I told her that my mother was in California, not New Jersey...she walked away in a huff and I didn't give a crap.

It was almost like people felt entitled to talk and be nosy with you just because you were pg. Don't let them find out you are having twins...sheesh...I would just avoid people and pretend I couldn't hear them. The only person I actually had a conversation with was a gal in Target that was pushing a stroller with 1 year old twin girls in it. She understood and was willing to actually answer a couple of questions I had.

I do not miss those days. And yes, "advice" from family is worse because you can't tell them to shut up.

alexis

 

QUOTE(annelily2000 @ Jul 19 2007, 09:45 AM) [snapback]337511[/snapback]
By no means you are not alone! One of the things that frustrated me, and still does is when these people give you the advice and you think....that really does not apply to me since I have 2 in here instead of one.




EXACTLY!!!

 

I think Susanna + 3 hit the nail on the head. What's ticking me off the most is that people are implying that something I did last year caused the stillbirth. I am a supportive type of person and consider myself to be very empathetic. If I knew that a woman had suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth, and was pg again, I would build her up instead of making her more paranoid. If only people knew the types of battles that I fight internally each day. I'm still going to a grief counselor, which helps me to vent some. But that's a whole different topic.

But I really appreciate the feedback. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I'll try my hardest to grin and play dumb! But I didn't think about this continuing after the little ones arrive. Maybe I won't be quite as hormonal and can deal with it better.

Thanks again!!!!

 

I can only say, it doesn't get better unless you do something about it now!

Even if you speak your mind...it'll be a whole new set of strangers giving you advice/opinions! Everyone's an expert! NOT!

 

Join the club! Everyone has their own opinions especially strangers. Just ignore it even though it is difficult. Most of the time I just smile and go about my business,and believe me honey it doesn't get better.Good luck.

 

i know what you mean. i wore 2 inch heels and ppl all the time commented on how brave i was. I'm like come on. I've been wearing heels forever. just because I looked like a walrus shouldn't mean i can't walk.

Hope these annoying comments pass soon.

 

I am getting to the point too where I just speak my mind. Here is a couple of things that annoy me.

1. My mother has no boundaries...period. Someone will ask me a couple of questions about the pregnancy and the girls which is completely fine. I enjoy talking about it, and the questions make sense. What bugs me is if my mom is near when the questions are asked, she just jumps in and answers them. I look at her and tell her, "Who is the pregnant one?" She stops...I have no issue telling me my mom stuff like that b/c she only thinks of herself.

2. Another one about my mom...and this was last night. We had our monthly bunco night last night and was telling people that no one is allowed to see the babies til after I get back to the room and spend sometime with them and DH. She said no rush to get to the hospital (nicely) and I said no not really. You can be there, but since the babies will go back to my room before me, no one is allowed to wait in my room, you have to wait in the waiting room, and the nurses will be guarding the door. She asked if that was hospital policy, I said no, mine. I need my time with them. She said "You will have all sorts of time with them." I said, yes, but that is my time, and I will be in the hospital 3 days....you can come whenever you want after my time and spend as much time with them as you want. She knows no boundaries and will try to sneak in....I have to really be firm with the nurses about this, and let everyone know DH will come get them from the waiting room when we are ready for them to see them.

3. Also last night at bunco, there is a woman that plays that has no internal monolog. Last night is most likely my last time playing until the girls are born. She tells me they HAVE to be at least 7lbs before they are born!! This isn't the first time she has said this to me. I said, "if that is the case then I will have to be pg til mid September. I have small babies...they are going to be small too." ughhhhhhh....they don't have to be 7lbs to be healthy!! DD was 5lbs 13ozs and was as healthy as a horse. The only issue with her weight was finding clothes that fit her. She is now six and we still have that issue (skinny but long legs).

Oh, one more....my mom again. She had a fairly large cysts when she was pg with me. So she thinks that it is the same as being pg with twins and tries to tell me she knows how I feel....ummmm no.

I try to let things go, but my moods are much more snappier these days. I know it is only going to get worse when they arrive and we start going out and about with them.

April

 

Yes, so frustrating!! I've had the coke and shoes thing too. Everyone is trying to help the first-time mom. The worst DH and I have is a lot of people saying, "oh man, twins!" Like it's almost a death sentence or we're entering into a scary experience instead of a positive one. Yes, I can understand the frustration. Vent anytime .

 

At this point i dont get pregnancy advice.. I get Baby advice. People just have the need to "help" other people. Its just human nature. Just tell them thank you but i think i can hanlde this on my own!