Frustrated Twinmom in need of advice

I really could use some advice as I am feeling a bit down. My b/g twins are 28mos old. For the year and half of their lives, I never took them out of house. I always felt like one would wonder off if at the park or somewhere. I started getting them out of the house when they were two. I took them to a partime daycare only three times a week at the age of two. After only two months, I took them out. I got complaints about my DD almost every time I came to pick my two up. I always got great compliments about my DS, but not about DD. I even came to find my son with the other two year olds finger painting. DD was no where in sight. They later told me that she had been bad, and they put her in the infant room. I found her in another part of the building with the crawling babies. She was just sitting there staring at the babies. The next time I picked them up from the daycare, both twins had been put in the infant room while the other children in their class were being read to in another room. My twins were just sitting there doing nothing. When they saw me, both of them started crying and clinging on to me for dear life. I was frustrated; so DH and I took them out of the daycare. We only put them there because, we wanted them to have some fun with other children. Also, to help them out developmentally. But, it seemed that nobody wanted to deal with them, and they were past off to someone else.

Now, I take them to a parent/child(ren) class where we sing and play instruments, blow bubbles, and dane in circles. The instructor is very good with the children, but my two seem to throw tantrums while everyone is singing and dancing. They don't want to relinquish the toys. They want to grab everything and do what they want with it. Not participate. The other children don't behave like this. They seem to take turns, and not throw tantrums like my two. I don't know what I have done wrong. I don't feel like I overly spoil them, but I do let them do what they want while at home because they are at home and should feel free to do what they want as far as playtime.

After the class, other mothers were coming up to me asking me if I was going to put them in a preschool. Several were giving me the names of some of the best schools. I wondered if they felt my twins needed more discipline and interaction with other kids due to their behaviour. I couldn't help but think this. Most of these schools can get costly, especially with twins. My DH and I are not financially well off. We are struggling to pay off our mortgage as we live on one income.

I just need some advice. I feel like I am failing as a mother. I feel like I am not giving my twins what they need. I am not upset with anyone telling me about preschools or anything. It's just that all that stuff is great and all, but cost money, too.

What can I do to help my two without preschool? We tried with the daycare, but it didn't work out to well. Now, preschool is not a financial option.


Thanks for reading. I know I went on and on. Just needed to get this out.

Tammy

 

First off sending you some much needed hugs. Your twins are totally normal. Sharing and taking turns is not something that just comes naturally. I wouldn't beat yourself up about this. Since interacting with other kids and moms is relatively new to them, it will take a little time for them to acclimate.

Honestly, I would look into finding a playgroup that you can join, or start one with some friends - moms of twins or not. I know that when I started to take my oldest out to story time at the library I was horrified at his behavior when I compared it to other kids.

I have learned several things since then and one of the most important ones is about temperament. My oldest did not deal well - and is still learning ways to deal with - being in an enviroment that overloads his senses. i didn't have this issue with my second. I would suggest that you take some time to learn about thier temperaments and that will help you a lot as a parent learn ways to help them behave in socially acceptable ways.

Also, really look around at preschool options. When I was pregnant and had just found out we were expecting Zach and Hannah - I was 30 weeks along - I paniced about getting my oldest into a preschool and the cost as like you we live on a tight buget. I lucked out and found a very nice little church preschool that charged 30$ a month for a 2 day a week program. My daughter is now there in a 3 day program for 50$ and I love the school. It was a jewel that I did not even know exsisted that landed on my lap 3 weeks before we had Zach and Hannah. Remember, that the purpose of preschool is to work on things like - lining up, taking turns, listening to someone other than your mom and dad, respect of self and others - and the abc's and 123's are a bonus and something I am sure you do at home anyway.

Best of luck and I hope you get some other advice.

 

What do you mean by you let them do what they want at home? Do you mean play with whatever they want? What do you do when they fight over a toy?

I have actually felt like my two do a little better than some of the singleton children with no siblings when we are at groups. They are used to being around another child their age all the time, whereas for some of the other kids, this is their only exposure to others, and they don't know how to act or share. Not saying mine are always great, but they do know how to give a toy to another child or back to the teacher. I have had times where am I embarrassed at the way they are acting and Bea especially does tend to throw fits when she can't do what she wants. Do you have someone that could go with you to your class? My mother comes with me to Gymboree, and it helps to have one adult "on" each child.

Just keep getting them out. Try the library storytime if you have one, it's free. We've been going to that since 12 months and it's really good for them.

 

No, I only let them play with their own toys. I just meant that, I am not constantly telling them "no" at home. I do let them explore to a degree. They do fight over toys, but I tend to try and let them work it out themselves. If one starts pushing or hitting, I intervene. Typically, they do share their toys at home. When it's something new, they do tend to get a little greedy. Like when we go out to the class, there is always new toys. They want them all for themselves. Everyone looks at me like I spoil my twins rotten, and they get whatever they want. The truth is that we couldn't afford to give them everything that they wanted if we desired.

I just wanted to thank you for your replies. I really appreciate your time in reading and responding to my post.

 

I read your post earlier, but didn't have time to respond till now.

I guess something that popped into my head was that social skills are just that skills. Skills take time and practise to master and learn. It doesn't matter if it's pottying, using a sippy or learning to share. They all need work and practise. I've never kept mine at home all the time and they still don't do as well as would like socially. They see no need for other kids when they have each other. So, I keep putting them in social situations and encourage them to deal with the other kids and maybe just say hi to someone new.

As for things to do. We've done a lot of free or low cost stuff. There is the library storytime. Our library also gets with the PBS stations and has special storytime and activites on Saturdays that I send them to with Daddy. The Barnes and Nobles has storytime twice a week. We have a Nature Center that runs classes for varying ages and interests and also 1 storytime a week. Our zoo has a daily storytime and usually monthly classes for their age. The zoo classes are about $6 for a kid and adult $4 for the second child. It's limited in number so it's always manageble and is quite frankly one of the best run things I've seen. There is also the city parks and things like Playplace on a rainy to run into other kids.

As to the preschool thing. Mine are usually considered some of the best behaved kids (because they are standing glued to me not talking to any of the other kids) and the moms ask me about preschool (which we have no current plans to do). I think that it's just a subject that most moms feel is common ground and a way to try and open a conversation. I wouldn't read anything into it. If you are interested in persuing it, I know that our public schools here run preschool for children unable to afford private preschool. You might contact your school system and check income guidelines and opportunities.


Marissa

 

If you think they are having a hard time with interaction then you could try to schedule playdates with one or two other kids. I tend to find that mine actually share better with others than they do with each other. We also have a tight budget and preschool is not an option for us at the moment. I think they are behaving typically for their age. I just think that when you see other parents/kids it's often a 1 to 1 ratio and it's easier to control kids in that scenario as opposed to always being 1 against 2.

 

Hugs to you...i know that this is hard, twins are not easy, and being around other mommies with one behaved baby (lets be honest, they have a lot more time to devote to bahavior issues), telling you where to go and what to do never helps!1

first of, that preshchool was wrong for what they did. IT IS THIER JOB to address and help you deal with the behavior issues they may have, especially if they are social issues. If you told them this was thier first time in the pre-school setting, they should have known what to expect. Treating them like that and exiling them into another room is rediculous. Im glad you took them out.

They havent been out much so thier behavior will be a little shakey with other kids...its all new to them. My kids DO have tantrums and want to do what they want....They obviously have more freedom with you then they will anywhere else.

Dont let it sway you...your not a bad mother!! It takes time..meanwhile, take them to parks more...let them see other kids..I would also maybe try another pre-school....be upfront with the past exoeriences and maybe they can be upfront on how they will deal with those situations.

Good LUCK!!

 

I am ashamed of that day care. The yare suppossed to be professionals and know how to deal with certain issues. They did your children no favors by segregating them.

I have always taken my girls out, and they have two cousins close to their age. Mackenzie does better with interacting with other kids than Peyton does. For example, when they are on the trampoline at My Gym and another kid comes on, Peyton will stop jumping ans ask me to pick her up. She also gets upset if another kid climbs up the slide steps. However, they were fine yesterday when some other kids shared their sand toys for the most part, until a boy dumped sand on Mackenzie's head.

I think you just have to keep working on it. I know smetimes I want to just quit Peyton gets whiney about other kids, but I know that wouldn't help her in the long run. Believe me, I am fearing the start of preschool in septmbre becuase I just don't know what will happen. On the other hand, I know they need it to become more independnt of me.

I agree with the pp's. Get involved in small playgroups, library activities, and even just going to th playground. You'll have to direct them and constantly reiterate prooper behavior, but they learn it.