Frustrated! Shouldn't going to your parent's house be a break?

Ok, so just before we found out I was pregnant we moved back to Maine to be closer to our families so that our daughter could see tham more and we thought going home would feel more familiar (for lack of a better word). Anyway, here we aare, home with 3 kids and NO support from anyone!!! When I say no support I mean NONE... My parents invited us out Saturday Night (after finding out their other plans had fallen through) for the weekend and we would be gonig home today in time for my daughter to catch the bus at 12:00 for school. Anyway, this morning we are sitting together in the living room (Parents, Daughter, twins Me & my husband) then my parents are getting ready to make breakfast (which has to be a big production) and my daughter is acting out running around the boys who are playing on the floor, I am telling her to stop and then my husband starts playing with her... They begin wrestling (playfully) and she is smiling saying "my daddy's hurting me" and then one of the babies goes over to get in on the action and then while my husband is playing with her one of the babies pulls her hair (pretty hard)... I tell my husband that Ethan is pulling her hair and to get him off of her so he does... The babies are then both getting fussy and I am chasing them all over thier completely NON baby proof house ( like valuable antiques & collectables at crawling baby eye level... they never even attempt to move these things). Anyway, them my dad comes over and says in a very loud and upset voice, "I don't know what is going on here, but it sure as hell is pretty annoying!" I was so upset! I mean, my life is pretty much sitting home taking care of 3 kids by myself while my husband works 70-80 hours a week so that we can keep our house... The fact that they are all over the place and that they fuss and that my daughter tries to pick them up and is constantly too rough with them and crys at the drop of a hat... This is my life... YEP sometimes it sucks! I love my kids and would not trade them for anyting, but seriously, he is gonig to be yelling at me because my kids are annoying to him??? What on earth does he think it is like? This after my mother said a couple of weeks ago what a big mistake it was for me to get pregnant (with the twins)!!!!

I remember going to my grandparents house when i was my daughter's age... I went there every single day before and after school. They babysat at least once a month for a whole weekend. My parent NEVER do this!! Not that I want them to take all 3 kids for the weekend, but it would be nice if they would come for a few hours now & then so I could get time alone... NEVER, and now that I go there and find that my dad is annoyed by us I can't imaging that I will be going to visit them any time soon...

Now I remember why I wanted to move away in the first place. Honestly, when we were living out of state the people from our church and our neighbor's and friends were more helpful to us than our families are now that we are "home"

Well thanks for reading, sorry for the rant...

 

:hug: Stephanie. I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of that on your own. Have you tried talking to them about how you feel at all?

 

Sounds like your dad isn't quite use to being around little ones, because that is just normal behavior, crying, fussing, running around! Is your mom better with them? Can you ask her to come by the house for a few hours a week to help out? Or perhaps she could take your oldest or the twins out for a walk or something? I am sorry it has been so rough. It's hard when you are around family and you expect the help and then don't get it. When the twins were born we lived like 2min away from the ils - they did come over and hold babies - but they also expected us to wait on them (bring them coffee, and redo it when we didn't make it to their liking), and they handed the babies off as soon as they got fussy (which was always!). Never once did they look after them so that we could actually leave the house - for that I had to hire a babysitting service or use friends from work.
Is there anyone else around that could help you out. Even a local teen you could hire for like $5/hr to help entertain kids?

Big Hugs

 

QUOTE(Kyrstyn @ Sep 15 2008, 11:22 PM) [snapback]981878[/snapback]
:hug: Stephanie. I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of that on your own. Have you tried talking to them about how you feel at all?


I am definately one of those people who will avoid conflict at just about any cost, so no... i know I should say something, but actually they make comments all the time about how much they do for us... In fact, my mom commented a couple of weeks ago about how we had spent so much time with them this summer so it has been a nice break... I am going to estimate that since theyt have been home (they go to florida in the winter) May - now we have spent a total of about a 10 days there... I don't call this much time. And every time I leave feeling frustrated and angry. Today actually, I just told my husband that we should just leave... we did. Though I am sure they didn't get the clue. In fact, when we said we were going my mother was like, but I made muffins!!!

 

QUOTE(isis @ Sep 15 2008, 11:35 PM) [snapback]981890[/snapback]
Sounds like your dad isn't quite use to being around little ones, because that is just normal behavior, crying, fussing, running around! Is your mom better with them? Can you ask her to come by the house for a few hours a week to help out? Or perhaps she could take your oldest or the twins out for a walk or something? I am sorry it has been so rough. It's hard when you are around family and you expect the help and then don't get it. When the twins were born we lived like 2min away from the ils - they did come over and hold babies - but they also expected us to wait on them (bring them coffee, and redo it when we didn't make it to their liking), and they handed the babies off as soon as they got fussy (which was always!). Never once did they look after them so that we could actually leave the house - for that I had to hire a babysitting service or use friends from work.
Is there anyone else around that could help you out. Even a local teen you could hire for like $5/hr to help entertain kids?

Big Hugs


Actaully, my MIL is a totally different story too... she lives about 5 minutes from our house and has seen the babies about 4 times... We invited her to our daughters birthday and she didn't come! I guess the paret that bothers me the most about my parents is that they act like they do all kids of stuff for us, but they don't! I actually never ask anyone for anything because I know that it is not worth the hassle, and I also know that I will just get let down.

It is just so frustrating when I think about how much my grandparents helped my parents and it is like the just forgot about it... I actually think that moving back "home" was our biggest mistake since we have been married.

 

:hug: If you are ever up my way, let me know and we can meet up. Im down your way evey once in awhile as I have friends in Augusta and Lewiston.

 

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. I can very much relate to you. DH moved from the east coast to CA so we could be near my family. My Dad is great in visiting us and us visiting him on a regular basis but my Mom is unvinvolved. She's been to our home only twice since the twins were born and has seen them only a few times since. INt grandparents (the babies' greatgrandparents) are more involved in my babies lives. We visit them every few weeks. They hold them, talk to them, ask us questions and are very interested in their lives and our lives. I don't know why my Mom isn't the same way. It's painful and frustrating...anyways, I hope you can talk things through with your Dad and get more support and understanding

 

I really understand where you are coming from my parents are a weird lot I surpose. My mum lives on the other side of the country and she has seen the twins twice and our youngest once so she isnt any help to me with the kids. My dad remarried when I was 14 and they have 2 kids 11 and 7 (my eldest is 8) so they are really busy all the time and they have never even sat the kids that I remember. DH parents arent responsible enough. No help there. I dont get the comment from the parents but other people drive me nuts do you know how many people have said 'your family must be a huge help' I just say yes they are great. Its sad that you moved closer and then got this. :hug: hugs from me hopefully they will want to spend more time with your great kids as they get older.Good luck!

 

:hug: I'm sorry. I really hope they understand. I second really taking the time to tell them your feelings. It sounds like they only see things from their viewpoint(s). I would make sure to tell them yours, so you know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they have heard your feelings/thoughts/concerns. :hug:

 

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:


Dianna

 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It really sounds like your DH was having a nice moment with your kiddos after working so much. Sorry your dad ruined it for all of you.

 

I'm sorry you are having a hard time of it with your folks. I think that as our parents get older and more settled in their way of life with just the two of them, they forget what it was like to have little ones. I mean my dad was the father of 6 and is the grandfather of 17, but I think he forgets what it was like (or he worked so much that he didn't get to see some of that stuff). Tell them how that kind of comment makes you feel, tell them it makes you uncomfortable coming to see them if it is "annoying" to them, tell them how much you want them to be a part of your kids life. I know the conversation won't be easy, confrontation never is, but I think if you get it out there, maybe things will turn around. :hug:

 

Sorry you had to go through that!
I agree that you should tell them how you feel.

Good Luck & Take Care!

 

I understand how you feel. I visit my parents and hope that they will just help me out for a weekend. I mean I deal with the 3 kids every day of my life - it is one weekend a year for them? Instead I end up washing all the bottles (by hand because they don't have a dishwasher) plus their dishes while they watch t.v. My daughter is very fussy and was upset about being in new surroundings, so I finally put in an Einstein video, which calmed her down. My dad walks over, turns the news on, and says "she wasn't watching it anyway - I need to watch the news." The news didn't even start for another 15 minutes and he left to get something to eat in the kitchen until the news came on! There was no help with trying to calm down crying babies - only eye rolls and "hey, can't you make them be quiet!" It really makes me hate visiting my parents. They invite people over to see the twins (though they never did this with my older son) but don't help me when they are here. My mom dropped my son in the lake (just the shore) when it was very cool out. He was soaked. She hands him to me, takes my chair by the lake, and continues to talk to her friends, leaving me to take him back up the cabin, change all of his wet clothes and diaper, and then expected me to bring him back all changed and warm and hand him back to her to show off some more. They are not an exhibit to show off to friends, or a toy to play with. They only want to deal with them when they are happy and content. Ugh! Frustration with the parents.

 

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so frustrated and not getting the help you would expect. Like you said, you are now remembering why you moved away. Too bad the grandparents are missing out on quality time with your kids. I know when my girls were babies, although I never asked anyone to babysit, I got a lot of comments indicating that many people would not want to take on twins. They were intimidated by the idea of two babies. I chalked it up to their ignorance/stupidity and let it go because I wouldn't have asked them to take care of my babies anyway. The puzzling part was a lot of these people were parents, already had experience with babies and small children, but the idea of twins was too much for them. I can only wonder what their parenting experiences had been like, ya know?

I'm just wondering if you parents and in-laws have similar issues. You did say one expressed an opinion that it was a mistake to have twins. It tells me that person is thinking three small children is overwhelming. This may explain a little of what's going on. Plus older people these days are not the benign, patient grandparents of a generation or two ago. It's unfortunate for everyone, really.

In the category of "it could be worse", I have twins and an elderly parent who requires 24 hour care. Not only does the grandparent not help, I am the one careing for him as well.

I say talk to your parents, and if you don't get the response you are looking for, you may just have to accept that they are not going to be a source of help and support for you and start looking for your support elsewhere. Sometimes we can't get what we want/need from the people we expect it most from. It's difficult to accept, but we can't change other people's behaviors.

 

My mom is a big help, but when we go to my IL's it's actually harder for me - because I have to do all the same things I do at home, but without any of the conveniences like my cribs and change table, etc. I know exactly what you mean.

 

QUOTE(Leighann @ Sep 16 2008, 06:58 AM) [snapback]982079[/snapback]
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It really sounds like your DH was having a nice moment with your kiddos after working so much. Sorry your dad ruined it for all of you.

These were my thoughts too-and in front of your dd-who does understand what grandpa is saying. You were nicer then I would have been. I think I may have had quite a bit more to say to my dad about how he acted. I am sorry you dont have loving, caring helpful parents...I would remind them of how fondly you remember your childhood and spending so much time with your grandparents because they were always helping out and then say it is too bad my kids dont get that same experience.
I am really so sorry...

 

I'm sorry. I totally understand...
I thought my parents were the total grandparents till I had kids. They LOVE them and are WONDERFUL in most ways, but are SO busy (even when they visit us - 12 hours away, 2-3 times a year) that I am still doing all the work unless I request help (which I do). MIL and FIL have been better than I could have ever asked for. I have adopted the attitutude - appreciate what my parents can offer. And there is much my parents can offer (care packages EVERY event they are not here for, birthdays, easter, valentines, st patricks, thanksgiving, july 4, and gifts ever time my big girls call with their new memory verse, or fundrasier, or ANYTHING...)
I was willing to get pregnant since I thought SIL would want to be involved. RIGHT!!!! MIL and FIL howerever, moved 7 states away to be with them.

We take what we can get....