Friends or Foes

So my 13 month old girls have yet to learn to play "nice" together. The only time they laugh and giggle with each other is in the morning when they are in separate cribs. Otherwise they steal toys from each other, and have even pushed the other one out of the way. Has anyone else had this problem? I hope they won't always be this way. I'm hoping they will be great friends, but if it continues like this, they won't be.

 

I used to think that. They will be friends don't worry give it another year


amanda

 

I don't have any advice, as mine are doing it too! Just a :hug99: I'm hoping it's just a phase and they'll get over it. I keep reminding myself that other babies don't have to share everything including Mommy. They are very ego-centric at this age and just don't understand that it hurts the other one's feelings to have a toy snatched away for no good reason. I've been working with mine, playing the "it's Mommy's turn" game, passing toys back and forth between all three of us. Who knows if it's working, but both of them love the game and everyone's HAPPY while we're playing it...

Good luck.

Stacy

 

I really like that idea about "passing" stuff!! That's really good!! I'm going to work on it!

We didn't really have any meaningful play between ours till around 2ish.....

Ok, I just went and played "pass" the thing and it went well till my DD ran away with the duck!! :laughing: h34r: I guess we still have work to do!!

 

I actually just read about this very issue in What To Expect: The Toddler Years. This book is awesome!! I'm going to type out the question that was asked in the book and the answer. I think it gives a great explanation about this whole thing. I strongly recommend this book. It is fantastic and is a great guideline for month by month physical, emotional, and social development on every question that basically comes up. Here goes:

Question:

"I've got a 13 month old son and recently got together with several neighbors to form a play group. We have five toddlers all between 12 and 15 months old. They play all right, but not with each other."

Answer:

Socializing doesn't come easlily to most toddlers and sometimes it's hard to imagine that it's ever going to come at all. Put a group of average 1 and 1/2 year olds together in a room and you're more likely to see a free-for-all than cooperative play.

But this typically "antisocial" behavior is as normal as it is natural. Early on in the socializing game, toddlers view fellow toddlers as objects--objects that move and make noise, but objects nonetheless. Objects that can be pushed aside or pushed around as necessary (and that curiously, often push back), objects whose toys and food are up for grabs, objects that are interesting to observe, poke and prod, but difficult to interact with.

Playing cooperatively requires not only that your child learn to see these objects as people, but that he also develops the ablitity to empathize--something that a toddler almost invariably finds difficult. Comfortably ensconced at the center of the universe (as he is in his own estimation), he's not ready to recognize or consider the needs, desires, or feelings of those revolving around him.

Still, it is not too early to start to get your toddler ready for the social whirl. Since children aren't born civilized social beings, and social skills aren't passed on in the genes the way blue eyes or musical ability are, the art of interaction must be learned. And as with most skills, your toddler will learn best through a combination of practice, exposure, and example.

Being part of a family is a vital first step, and being part of a play group is a good second one. But don't expect social etiquette to be mastered quickly. Although most toddlers enjoy the company of other toddlers, they're unlikely to cultivate it. For some time to come, there's likely to be a lot of what appears to be thoughtless and unkind behavior in your toddler's play group. The more aggressive children will try to establish dominance over the more submissive ones. Parallel (side-by-side) play will be the rule, and cooperative play the exception. A good deal of the interactions will take the form of pushing and grabbing. The concept of sharing will probably be nonexistent (though, happily, many 15 month olds lack possessiveness, too, and will give up without a fight when a toy is taken from them). A toddler may occasionally seem to become generous and offer a toy or a bagel to a friend or family member, but in most cases he or she will withdraw the offer before giving up the object.


It goes on to give a bit more info but I thought this was kind of the essence of your situation (well, a situation that MANY of us are dealing with). This deffinately gave me a better perspective and understanding on my girls interaction. I realize now that they are not being intentionally malicious or mean but they just don't have the cognitive understanding or development yet to "get it." But, in the meantime, keep working on it and eventually it will all happen. Did I mention that this book is AWESOME?? HTH

 

Thanks soooo much for all the feedback!!! I definitely feel tons better about their interaction, and hope that in time they do become great friends, instead of a really neat play things. hahaha

 

I think over time it definitely gets much better. Mine are just now really starting to play and enjoy each other much more. Yes, they still ocassionally grab toys and push each other out of the way-- but the moments of "happy" play are definitely becoming more and more.

 

The girls are the same way - in the morning or at bed time they will sit there and talk to eachother forever but when they are up and running around they want nothing to do with eachother. They take toys from eachother - they take sippy cups or food from eachother. I'm sure they'll grow out of it - maybe when they are about 22 years old.

 

Mine too, but add biting and hiting on the head into the mix. Hmmm. I'll try the passing trick but I'm sure there will be one little road block who won't do it.

 

Mine go back and forth between being best friends and evil sisters.
Ashley is my kisser...if you cry, she will give you a kiss (not always on the lips)...they have been getting better at sharing...but Meridith still likes to run away from Ashley with stuff that Ashley wants.

 

I posted something just like this a few weeks ago. Mine are almost 21 months and they still fight more often than not. It's weird because they clearly want to be near each other, but they just can't control their grabbiness, and they are bad at sharing. They do give each other hugs and try to comfort each other, and they like to bring each other things -- I think this started around 15-16 months.

Anyway, a lot of people said it got better around 2.5. That may seem like a long way off, but it gave me hope.

 

In same boat! One of my girls just loves to pull the other's hair and bite her. Then the next minute she is hugging and kissing her. Still learning I suppose. I do notice them sharing though too at times. Just harder to deal with the fighting so young.