Friends & little brothers...

My twin boys are 10 and play with a boy next door who's the same age.  The boy next door has a little brother that's 6.  The little brother pretty much tags along with everything they do, which I know is typical little brother behavior.   A few weeks ago, they all went swimming in our pool and the little brother started with pretty typical annoying little brother/spoiled rotten type stuff which escalated into screaming and crying and someone being put in a choke hold... They all got booted out of the pool and one of mine was grounded.   I witnessed this progression of behavior, and while the little brother certainly didn't *deserve* what happened to him, he did egg the rest of them on so he's not totally blameless.
 
This led to me telling my two that only the brother that's their age can come over to swim in the future.  The kids' mom told the boys that the older brother can not come over without the younger brother.   Luckily pretty soon after this all happened, my two went for their summer family visit and won't be home for another two weeks.  
 
It's worth mentioning that, as far as I can tell, there is no discipline in the neighbors house.  In fact, when I grounded my kid over the aforementioned incident, the kid next door kept coming over everyday to ask if my son could play outside and I kept saying "no, he's grounded for the week."  EVERY DAY this kid knocked on my door.  I asked my son about it and he said it's because their parents say they're grounded for a week and then let them out of it after a day.  "I told him you don't do that, Mom"  my son says to me.   
 
So am I crazy, or does this just seem like a crummy situation?    Just looking for thoughts/discussion on how to deal with this kind of thing...   For me, there's a fine line between being a responsible big brother, helping me around the house by watching their younger siblings and being a built in babysitter.  I don't want my kids to feel like they are being forced to watch their own baby brother all the time, I feel that will just cause resentment over time.  Not to mention the fact that I myself am not a babysitting service.   I don't mind them coming over to swim, but if it's just going to cause problems every time..  ugh.
 
Next house I buy is going to be in the woods.  Or my own island. 

 

It is a crummy situation but ultimately I think you just need to decide on and set whatever boundary you're comfortable with and then the ball's in her court. She can send her kids or not.

 

I agree.  Your pool, your rules.  If the mom doesn't want to send just one kid over, then she can choose to not send them.
 
We're having some neighborhood issues, too.  I really wish right now that we lived out in the country somewhere without so many neighbors close by!

 

I agree with the others.  The only other suggestion would be to state that if she wants to send over both boys, then she has to come and supervise her kids.  Its kind of ballsy of her to assume you are going to watch her littler one, especially in a pool.  

 

I wonder if the mom realized that you were the one saying the little brother can't come swim anymore? Maybe she thought it was just the boys telling him that. A six year old requires a totally different level of supervision than a 10 year old. It's really unfair of her to use you as a babysitting service and free pool. This sucks and may be awkward but I think you need to have a conversation with the mom about what is and isn't okay in your home.  I would tell her that you cannot be responsible for her six year old in the pool. If she chooses to not let the 10 yr old come over and swim that is her choice. Honestly, if it were me, I'd probably be glad to get rid of both of them! lol
 
If it's okay for the 6 yr old to come play when they don't plan to swim sometimes but not always, I would tell her that too. While you're at it, I would probably mention there had been a lot of fighting and you don't want to spend all of your time refereeing them. In the future, I would send them home as soon as they start misbehaving. They will either knock it off or not be there as much. 

 

I would talk to the other mom before your boys come home.
I would explain to her ( maybe again) what happend and how only the 10 year old can come swimming with your boys.  It is too hard to watch 3 10 years, a 3 year old and a 1 year old that you can't have a 6 year old in the pool as well.
If you want to be nice, you can invite the mom to come with both boys. 

 

 
I agree with this. Especially with the little ones, you can't give proper attention to a 6 year old in the pool (and you shouldn't have to!). She'll probably reconsider once she realizes she's going to have them both at home! Ha. We went through this a bit with a little sibling, and after a bit of trial and error we now have the little sibling over maybe half the time,a nd when she is, we make sure to play games that include her. I think it's good for kids to play with different ages, but it's frustrating to have to do it all the time. Especially whent he siblings fight all the time.

 

I am running into a totally similar situation.  I back you up 100%!  Little brothers (or siblings) don't have to 'hang' with their older one 24/7. 
 
Here is my situation:
I had arranged for a playdate where the kids got to invite friends over.  Clayton's BFF came (along with some other kids from THEIR grade).  I was texting his mom asking about allergies and such and asking about siblings (getting to know them better).  She said he had a brother in 2nd grade.  (Evan was in first and the twins were in 4th.)  In the past I have SOMETIMES invited the sibling over.. but this time I wasn't going to.  This was the first time he'd been over here and we had quite a few other kids coming.  Then I get *the text.*  "Hunter (bff) wants his little brother to come with.  Is that ok?"  :-/  Sure.. no problem.  So he comes over and he isn't horrible, but definitely YOUNGER and behaves that way.  I asked his brother (off-handedly) about him wanting his brother to come and he says: "Mom made me take him."  :woah:
Fast forward... he moved out of town and when we were near his town, we made arrangements for me to pick Hunter up to do some stuff together.  Went to pick him up and little brother hops in his car as well.  :help:  Ok.  Not a big deal.  It's good that Clayton gets to see his BFF. 
 
So they came down here a little over a week after that and had talked about Clayton either heading over there for a sleepover or Hunter coming over here.  This time I was prepared when his grandma texted me.  I told her that I would only take Hunter.  That worked.  I only got Hunter.  I asked him about it... whether he wanted his little brother with and he said adamantly: "No!"  Apparently little brother threw a HUGE (biggest ever) tantrum when he found out that it was just going to be Hunter coming to my house.  But then Grandma told him she'd take him to go see a movie.  Clayton already verbally invited little brother to his birthday party so I'm stuck there... but at least Hunter gets some time away without little brother. 
I NEVER ever send Audrey without her getting an invite.  Previously Clayton was invited for a sleepover at Hunter's place and "Ethan" was invited as well as an afterthought, so I think she is trying to pair the first and second grader up to play... but Evan isn't mature enough for a sleepover IMO so I didn't send him. 
 
**Good luck with the situation.  I would talk to the mom IF you are on friendly terms about what you expect and that perhaps your supervision level sometimes cannot handle the younger brother.  When Hunter's mom dropped Clayton off after his sleepover, she couldn't leave in her car fast enough.  That was the first time I had ever met her. 

 

I think I do need to sit down with her. (Ugh, I love awkward conversations with the gist of "your kid is awful" :laughing  Maybe, as mentioned, she didn't realize that it was *me* saying the younger brother couldn't come over, maybe she did think it was just my boys, or even her kid, saying that.  
 
I know my 3 year old gets upset when his brothers go to their friends house, or a friend is here and they don't want to play with him.  The fit throwing is awful but, ya know, it's a fact of life.  Your brothers are not always going to want to play with you, accept it and move on.  
 
Did I mention my next house will be in the woods?