for those with dhs that "get it"

Mine has already been left alone with them for long periods of time but he still doesn't get it and it really irritates me. He still sees it as that he goes to work outside the home everyday and has a commute and brings home a paycheck and I don't. He does not get that my job is 22 hours a day. We do not leave them alone with just the monitor at night and I got only 2 hours away from them tonight to eat dinner and do stuff in the house. I know there isn't much more he can do, I just want him to get it, that's all.

 

It really is hard! :hug99: Mine knows he doesn't want to do what I do and I don't want to do what he does. My DH is a big FIXER, as are most apparently. So when I complain and he doesn't know what to do to fix it he gets upset. I just tell him that I love him for everything that he does and I don't want to do what he does, and even though I know that, it isn't making me any less tired right now. Explain to him that you don't want him (or maybe you do) to do anything other than acknowledge that it is hard on you and just listen. Then try to agree on a time when he can give you a little extra sleep, like when he gets home from work or the weekends. They are his babies too, and whether he works or not he has to contribute. I remind mine that when he's at work he still gets to enjoy his lunch uninterrupted or go to the bathroom when he has to go, or just enjoy the quiet time in the car or stop and get a cup of coffee. I compare it to if while he was at work busting his butt, after his long commute, and everytime he tried to do anything he had someone tapping him on the shoulder ALL DAY LONG! Then after he got home from that long day at work and that long commute home he was not allowed to sit and relax and on top of that he was made to stay up all night long and do all of that ON TWO HOURS OF SLEEP! I am right in the middle of the worst it is going to be so I really understand

 

Yeah, how do you make them get it? That's the million dollar question. I don't think they want to get it. However, as time goes on and the kids get older, they get more comfortable and competent at parenting. And then, before you know it, they're letting the kids tag along with them and "help" them do things. I think most men just aren't comfortable with the infant thing. In the meantime, we are the ones who are losing our minds, not to mention patience and sanity (now if only I could lose my extra weight, too).

 

My DH has always gotten it because his mom put the Fear of Mom into him early. Seriously, if I ever complained to my MIL that Mike said or did anything that even insinuated my job isn't hard she would drive down here and slap the taste out of his mouth. Which leads me to my point, maybe DH doesn't "get it" coming from you, maybe he needs to hear it from someone else, like his mom perhaps.

 

I agree with Jenny when she says that they get it when it comes from someone else. Mine is pretty good for the most part. Hey..none of us are perfect! He knows he couldn't do what I do and I know I couldn't do what he does but he helps me and I help him.

 

My DH didn't get it for the first three months. He never expected that he had to get up in the middle of the night to help with the babies. He never thought he would have to help with bottles and formula and laundry. He told me that women had been raising kids for thosands of years so he knew that I could manage it. Well, I tried to do it all and then I had to call my mom who stayed with us for 6 weeks. She was a huge help! When she left, my DH's mom came to stay with us for a few weeks to help. My sister and best friend came the next couple of weeks. Then, when they left, I took the babies for two weeks to stay with my parents out of state so they could help me through the nights. Those two weeks away might have done the trick, but he still won't tell me what changed his mind -I have a sneaky suspicion that he was just sick of having our Mothers around and was afraid if he didn't help, I would bring them back in - or take the babies away again for help. Anyway, he stepped up to the plate the day I returned home from my parents. We split the babies every night so we only had to focus on one and could sleep some. DH began coming home to help make the formula, to help me with dinner, to play with the kids, etc. He now even takes them for a walk a few days a week so I can have some ME time for an hour or so to take a bath, have a glass of wine, read a magazine article or just sit on the porch staring into space with my own thoughts. Honestly, I never told him that he HAD to help. I think that he just realized that all of these people were stepping up to help raise our kids and he should be the one that did it, not them. We are both still exhausted most of the time, but he knows that I respect his job and he truly respects mine.

 

My DH just got it right off the bat, I didn't do anything to get him to "get it". Thank God! I have no clue if he'd have a different attitude if I was a SAHM though. He definitely realizes how hard it is to care for them and that we need breaks.

Why do you not let them sleep separate from you? I think at 7+ months, even being preemies, they should be able to sleep in their own room/cribs. That might help you out substantially.

 

Hmm. Don't get mad at me....

My DH and I don't compete to see who has it worse. I would expect that if I griped to him about how hard my day was, he'd fire back about how his day was harder since he was "at work". I have been in the working world and I have been home. I feel strongly that in my case, being home is MUCH easier. I worked about 70 hours a week. I went in early, left very late and logged in from home on the weekends. I was a workaholic.

I can't tell you how many times that I would hold off going to the bathroom at work for several hours because I was literally back to back in meetings. Now, if I have to go, the worst thing I have is two crying babies for about 2 minutes. Crying versus bladder infection - no contest.

Now, at the end of the day, I don't have to worry about who did/didn't call me back, who did/didn't miss a deadline, who did/didn't stab me in the back, KWIM?

When they nap, I get to clean, hang out on TS, shop on ebay, etc. Definitely better choices for me than creating graphs, analyzing data and coaching whatever employee was having an attitude problem that day.

When I am having a hard day with whatever issues the babies are having, I remember that that's as bad as it's going to get - some tears and some screaming.

Your DH will likely never understand how a "real job" and a "mom job" are the *same* thing. If either one of you have a bad day, don't forget that you still love each other. A hug and a "I'm sorry you had a bad day" can work wonders.

 

My DH as always gotten it. He's been a huge help. I never gave hima chance to be anything but. Basically my only help in the beginning and we've manged just fine. I'm not sure how he knows...he just does! Now that I'm back to work I have to say with the exception of breastfeeding, we split everything. When I was home the first 12 weeks I defintely did more of it, but when he came home he always took the girls right away to give me a break.

I definitely disagree with the previous poster, a day at home with my girls is much harder then a day at work! At least i get to go home from work! Altough I do get to cruise the internet at work and pee when I want to!

 

I hate to say it because it might come off wrong, but... I don't think you can make someone get it. They either get it or they don't. I made sure to marry a man who "got it" because I didn't want to be stuck feeling resentful my whole life or irritated trying to explain everything.

 

I agree with the poster that said don't try to compare whose job is harder than whose job. They're both hard, that's why they're called work. I happen to think my job is more rewarding and less of a hassle than his. I like all 6 people I work with LOL I don't know if my husband knows how hard it is to be with all 6 kids on his own because I would never ask him to do it, just like he would never ask me to go to his office and do his job all day long without ever having done so. He holds a baby from time to time, he'll change a diaper occasionally...but I don't ever ask him. As a result of this, I have his highest respect and I've heard him brag about me to his friends I've found that when I start feeling sorry for myself or like I deserve some kind of award for doing my job, he is not as forthcoming with the sympathy or compliments as when I just put my nose to the grindstone and do my best.

Now once babies start walking, that's a different story. If they're big enough to follow him, they're his when he's home. And he has no problem with that whatsoever- so it evens out eventually

 

My DH took about 3 months to get into gear. I think mostly because my mom lived with us during the week while he worked to help me get through. On weekends, when she went home to dad he had a taste of what it was like . I do not think he really got into how hard it was and truly helping until she went home permanently.

 

my DH has also got it from the beginning - he's never refused a diaper change, middle of the night feeding or when I ask him to make sure no one is climbing the walls when I need 10 minutes to myself - it could possibly be because I work too (part time)....

if I may ask how old you guys are...sometimes I think that the older dad is (my DH is 37) that they get it more...not to say that younger dads don't but I've found (and my OB even said to me) that sometimes younger fathers have a hard time with multiple babies...

 

I think my dh "got it" at first and now he doesn't? When the girls came home he helped out tremendously. We would each take a baby for every night feeding, so until one started sleeping through the night, he had sleepless nights too. Now that they are older, and I do it all, he's kind of slacked off. He doesn't come home sometimes till they are ready for bed, and I still put them to bed. Right now they are both crying upstairs and he is just letting them CIO without trying to see if there's a better alternative. It's about to drive me insane to hear them cry! If they cry in the middle of the night...very rare...I've come to the realization that I've got to get up. If I lay there and make him do it then they've cried so much that they are VERY upset because it's taken him so long to hear them. They are also unconsolable by that time and I'm still awake through it all. It's as if he doesn't know how to deal with them! So, I'm not sure what to tell you. I do think some guys just get it and some don't. I guess you could just tell him that when you are at your wits end that all you need/want from him is some understanding whether or not he does understand. And ask him if he could just let you get out for an hour or so. Not sure what to really tell you though. Is there another mom you know that you could ask to watch the kiddos for an hour so you could get out once in awhile? I hope it gets better for you...just remember it won't be long and they'll be in kindergarden before we know it!
:hug99:

 

My DH got it from the start ... he's super helpful. And I think he is starting to realize how much easier it is to leave the house every day, go to work, be around adults, get a lunch break, check email, etc than it is to be home and not get a break, ever.

That's why I can't wait to go back to work ... so that I can have some time that is just for me. But I don't know how you can make your husband get it. Other than to just try to sit him down and explain that you never really get a break. I feel like I don't get a break until DH comes home, and he I kinda force the babies on him ... not he minds, he misses them. But that's when I get a break, and it's usually to do all the things I didn't have time to do all day, laundry, dishwasher, etc.

hang in there and just try to communicate with him best you can ...

caba