For those who do not believe in spanking

ok. . so My 3 1/2 yr old DD and the 2 yr old Twins love to test their boundaries. .

I'm wondering what you do if they are misbehaving in the bathtub or the car, or other times when you cant give them an immediate time out or other discipline without spanking?? This has been a challenge for me, and these are the times when I find myself 'popping' my daughter. I am really trying to instill a specific discipline tactic that will work. Time out doesnt seem to affect my 3 yr old..but neither does popping her.. its only immediate and short term, but does not discourage her from doing the same thing.
Please help.

 

bathtub = Out of the tub immediately if it's something dangerous or that they've been warned about in the past (and should know better) and if it's a minor offence (i.e. standing up once), immediate verbal ackowledgement (with eye contact) of the misbehaviour and direction on how to improve the behaviour.

car = Immediate verbal acknowledgement of the misbehaviour and direction on how to improve behaviour and if it doesn't improve and you're close to home and are going somewhere that's for the child's benefit, turn around and return home immediately. You could also pull over if necessary to make eye contact and explain your concern. Later, at home, over dinner or during a calm time, talk about car behaviour and have child tell you how he/she SHOULD behave in the car. Model behaviour through imaginative play. Praise good behaviour when it happens (i.e. "I love the way you're sitting quietly in the car." or "It's great the way you're safely buckled into your seat, what a big girl.")

Another idea, that used to work well with my kindergarten students, is making a book (with digital photos and/or drawings) of what you DO want to happen in the car or the tub. Read the book often, make it special and fun - kids really respond to this.

Not sure if that helps. I struggle with misbehavior too but spanking is not an option for me. I consider it a short-term, ineffective method of dealing with misbehaviour and I think there's too much of a chance of accidentally spanking too hard during a frustrating moment and really hurting the child. I do know that it's natural for children to test the limits but it does drive me crazy!

 

Thankyou for your response.
I like the idea of making a book to look at . . we would be reading it EVERYDAY!! Its mainly my 3 1/2 yr old I have trouble with during these times. (and all other times too) She is a big one with temper tantrums. Her crying drives me crazy. I agree with you about the hitting too hard when you are mad thing.. and that it is short term and ineffective. It also teaches them to hit when they are mad. Sometimes I just dont know what to do with her. It seems like nothing works. If I seriously put her in time out every time she did something wrong, she would sit there all day and night! Literally!

 

QUOTE(CHJH @ Nov 19 2008, 07:21 PM) [snapback]1077412[/snapback]
bathtub = Out of the tub immediately if it's something dangerous or that they've been warned about in the past (and should know better) and if it's a minor offence (i.e. standing up once), immediate verbal ackowledgement (with eye contact) of the misbehaviour and direction on how to improve the behaviour.

car = Immediate verbal acknowledgement of the misbehaviour and direction on how to improve behaviour and if it doesn't improve and you're close to home and are going somewhere that's for the child's benefit, turn around and return home immediately. You could also pull over if necessary to make eye contact and explain your concern. Later, at home, over dinner or during a calm time, talk about car behaviour and have child tell you how he/she SHOULD behave in the car. Model behaviour through imaginative play. Praise good behaviour when it happens (i.e. "I love the way you're sitting quietly in the car." or "It's great the way you're safely buckled into your seat, what a big girl.")

That basically sums up what I would say (also I love the book idea). I would add that for bad behaviour in the car when going home is not an option/deterrent pull over and correct/wait for the behaviour to stop.

 

I agree with PP about immediate tub removal. When mine misbehave and I still haven't washed them yet, instead of removing them, I just remove ALL the toys, wash them very quickly, and then take them out. At this point, they also lose the chance to choose their pj's. I pick for them.

In the car, I give a verbal redirection, and if it continues, I reach around behind me and remove a shoe. Just one. They HATE it. (Of course I'd probably be inclined to remove both shoes if I could reach them both. :lol: ).

 

I agree with the others immediately removal from the tub, bend down to their level and look them straight in the eyes and a firm no--we do not do that--or some sort like that. Same with the car. Pull over to the side of the road and look them straight in the eye and be firm. Take a favorite toy for a length of time--taking away a priviledge may have a positive effect as well.

 

I do believe in spanking. BUT I also try to use it as a last resort. In the car, I find a place to pull over, pull the child out of the car seat. sit her on the trunk and tell her the boundaries. They hate this. They don't want to be disturbed once they've gotten comfy in their seats.

In the tub, I would do an immediate removal if it's a safety issue. if it's a splashing thing that's making it messy, I give them the towel to clean it up.

I found that when I sat down my 3.5 yr old and gave a definition to obedience -- doing what you are told when you are told and telling the consequence for failure to do what or when that we had a perfect day. Having the concrete definition or an outline of expected behavior really helped both of us.

 

There are lots of delayed consequences that you can do that don't involve spanking (or popping -- not sure what that is). For my 3-year-olds, I take toys away or deny privileges -- like "no TV before dinner tonight" or "Elmo will need to take a timeout when we get home." If they have toys or books in the car (which they usually do), that's my first line of defense, because I can do it immediately. But if not, I'll tell them I'm going to take something away when we get home.

It works best if I can somehow tie it to the misbehavior -- for example, saying that we don't have time to play before dinner because I had to stop the car to deal with their fussing. That did not work so well when they were 2, because they couldn't think that far ahead, but since about 2 years 9 months, it's been pretty helpful.

It is important to actually do it, not just threaten to do it. I do give warnings -- if you don't [whatever], then I will [do whatever]. But give them some specific instruction (like "sit on your hands"), not just "stop that."

Defining expectations really helps too. Not just "You need to behave in the store," but "I need for you to sit on your bottom in the shopping cart, keep your hands inside the cart, use your inside voice," etc.

And, it can often turns things around if you can ask for their help, even if it's help you don't really need. For example, asking them to hold or carry something -- or even just saying "I need your help right now -- can you keep your voice down so I can concentrate on my driving?" If they think they are helping rather than getting scolded, they're way more likely to cooperate.

For messing around in the bathtub, I just get them out. They like their baths, so that is consequence enough.

Hope this helps!

 

QUOTE(Minette @ Nov 20 2008, 11:25 AM) [snapback]1078980[/snapback]
And, it can often turns things around if you can ask for their help, even if it's help you don't really need. For example, asking them to hold or carry something -- or even just saying "I need your help right now -- can you keep your voice down so I can concentrate on my driving?" If they think they are helping rather than getting scolded, they're way more likely to cooperate.


I do this ALL the time!!! My girls love being helpful and its positively reinforcing! Also when they are being good, give LOTS of praise! If they are in a mood and just being cranky and I can see it spirally down and they might act out, I start acting silly and that usually gets them focused on me and they forget about the naughty thing they were going to do (boredom=mischief in my house).

 

Thankyou all for your responses!! I really do need to start giving more specific direction to my children. I also really like the idea of asking for their help, even if its just helping by keeping their voice down..
Before the twins turned 2 I never really had any structure, and I have been paying the price as of lately. I do try to follow through, but the crying drives me crazy when they are put in time out or told no. It is hard to take them anywhere b/c they dont listen and they are loud and want to touch everything.
So now I am pretty much trying to constantly correct their misbehaviors. I dont like being "that mom" that everyone looks at in the store like she cant control her children, and I really want to be able to take my kids places and have a nice time, rather than constantly disciplining them.

I am spending more time trying to find ways to get them to understand their own behaviors and why they arent allowed to do certain things.
Ok Im rambling now.. Thankyou again for your responses.