For those of you with teenagers.....

I'm posting in this forum because of the teenagers issues. I have a 16 yr old DS, a 13 1/2 yr old DD and 9 month old B/G twins. We have been going through the normal growing pains with the teens and so far we have survived but it's been tough. My DS is getting better about attitude, DD is just getting started with hers. My problem is the language. I stay on my DS about his mouth. He is constantly using foul language in front of the babies and I'm so worried that the f word will be a part of their vocabulary. I try to stand my ground about the language but geez! I really think DS does it so we will just tell him to leave the room, thus giving him what he wants in the first place. For those of you with older kids, how do you handle all the attitude and try to keep it from rubbing off on the little ones? My DH and I are DETERMINEDthat things are going to be different with the babies. We spoiled the older two with material things and they are VERY ungrateful and unappreciative. We are now paying the price for that and we've both agreed to not go down that road again. But how do you handle the older kids "educating" the younger ones? I'm so worried my teens are going to turn these babies into little monsters!

 

I only have the twins, so I can't really imagine what it's like to be in your shoes -- but I just wanted to mention that your DS will probably not be at home long enough to have a huge impact on the twins' language. Yes, they do learn a lot in the first couple of years, but hearing someone swear a lot for the first few years of life (assuming he goes to college or gets a job or whatever around age 18-19) isn't going to ruin them forever. There's plenty of time for you to train it out of them -- at least until they're teenagers!

 

Attach a charge to swearing in front of the babies. Whatever his currency is (money? time with videogames? access to the car?), make him pay a fee if he swears in front of them. If it's cash you can secretly set it aside for school or something else he's saving for. It's really not *that* hard to not swear around the babies--I bet her doesn't swear around his teachers at school. Same thing. People know when it is and isn't appropriate to use that language, and are perfectly capable of tailoring their behavior to match the situation. You just have to provide incentive, and the fact that you don't want them to swear isn't his incentive. So you figure out what his incentive is and implement that. (My boys are 17 and almost 20 now. )

 

I struggled with this a lot ! My oldest ds was 13 when the twins were born and is now turning 20. His use of foul language has been an issue and something I've even threatened to toss him out about. He's gotten much better the older he gets though and now understands that his little brothers look up to him. I think at your ds age he should be able to understand that his influence on the babies is huge ... and he really needs to watch what he says and does. I made it a point to tell my son that if he has a problem .. then come to me and we can go into another room to discuss it .. away from his brothers. It's been a rough road having teens and babies ! As of Sunday I will no longer have teens .. but 3 adult children who are all my pride and joy.
Just hang in there during the next few years and stand your ground !

 

Thank you ladies for your advice! I guess I'm going to have to resort to stronger tactics and start really being tougher about removing privileges. I definitely don't want him to think he can just get away with his language. I'm trying to allow him to find his own identity and all, but he is setting a precedence that I don't like and I'm figuring it's just a matter of time before DD starts trying to test those waters as well. UGH! DS turned 16 in May and we have not allowed him to go get his license yet. I just feel like he is not responsible enough yet to be turned loose in a vehicle so, we are waiting a little while. I do have that to hold over his head. His passion right now is riding dirt bikes and I can put a halt to that for his behavior under normal circumstances but he already can't ride for at least a month because he broke his clavicle a couple weeks ago. What I don't understand is why these kids can go and be so sweet, respectful, well-behaved young adults for all of their friends' parents, other family members, and at school, and then treat their own parents like pieces of garbage? Both my older kids are A/B students and never a dicipline problem at school. When we have parent/teacher conferences I always want to ask the teacher if they are SURE they are talking about my kid because they are NOT that way at home. My kids literally treat DH and I like we OWE them something! It's just unreal sometimes!

 

That's a great thing! It says to me that they know how to behave and to be appropriate. It also says to me that possibly they're using up all their "good behavior" when away from home, and just have to blow off steam at home. You know, like little boys who don't hit or yell or bite at preschool and then come home at the end of the day and have a meltdown. So, make it harder for them to blow off steam at home, and easier to lengthen their "good behavior" time.
My oldest is 13 -- that's the sum of my experience with teenagers. So I have MUCH to learn!
But I've watched DS's teacher -- she bolsters up his confidence, gives him a task with VERY clear expectations, then gives him some little bit of responsibility. Nothing HUGE, just enough rope to see if he'll hang himself, as the expression goes. If things go well, she praises him to high heaven and gives him more. It sounds almost like the way you would train a dog or a horse to do what you want, but it worked with him. In the year he was in her class, he grew to be such a nice person! (Not just a taller boy.)I promised myself to try to remember that when times get rocky and hormonal later on.
Maybe appeal to the caretaker in your son -- "help me with the babies, they look up to you so much!"