Food Battles

I'm sure this is a topic that has been touched on before, but I'm hoping I'm not the only one who is going through this so I wanted to ask the group how they handle this. I feel like I created a problem with meal times in our house and now I don't know how to fix it! When the twins were younger, it was just so much easier for us to feed them and then eat when they were asleep. We got into the habit of feeding them typical "toddler food" at their meals and having whatever we wanted when they went to bed. About the time they turned 3, I started letting them pick what they wanted (from a limited amount of choices) as a way to avoid the tantrums and battles. Recently, I have been trying to work on meal planning more as a way to help our family save money and avoid eating fast food/takeout so much (major vice of ours). Unfortunately, with my schedule this includes a lot of crockpot meals and casseroles which takes away the element of choice. We have been trying to enforce that they can have choice at lunch (which is usually pasta for one and nutella sandwiches for the other) but at dinner they have to sit down and eat with the family. Lately, they flat out refuse to eat what we eat, even if I know it is something they will like. I don't want to fall into the practice of making pb & j every time they don't eat A) because that is basically what they have for lunch and B) because then they have gotten their way. It just sucks for us as parents because if they don't eat dinner they are monsters in the morning, not to mention the bedtime stalling complaining they are hungry (which I am sure they are). My kids are usually big eaters, so skipping a meal is a big deal.

So, do I continue to hold strong and deal with hungry monsters until they learn? They are stubborn, so I fear that will be a long time! My DD resists loss of control so much that the other night she had a nightmare where she was screaming "No, I want something with it!" which is what she says to us when we put something we have chosen in front of her! I've tried to just insist that they try one bite, which they refuse and it's hard to find a consequence that works if they refuse to try. I need to do something though, because my little one, who used to eat anything you put in front of her, is starting to get picky and I think it is because she sees them act that way.

 

In your situation I would put something on their plate they know and like and a small portion of the family meal. It's a compromise but they get to pick what they eat on the plate. For example, your casserole and an apple as a side (assuming they like an apple). Let them choose how much to eat from what you put in front of them- we don't make kids do bites. When they whine "I don't like that" or "That's yucky" I say (calmly!) "You don't have to eat it" and change the subject. We have started doing high point/low point of the day- to facilitate conversation and make eating enjoyable.

 

I agree with this. When our two were younger, we always made sure that one portion of dinner was something they were sure to eat. In our case, it would have been either the vegetable or the starch (my two are not huge fans of meat, go figure). Now that they are five, I can tell you they still are not fans of meat but they will eat the little bit of it that I put in front of them.

 

Ditto the above. And I always try to keep their food separate (think deconstructed tacos) because mine are still weird and tear it apart anyways.

 

Yes to this! Mine will eat cheese, lettuce, taco shell but if I put it in a taco they balk. Weirdos. On taco night it's also popular to ask if they want each topping or if you are über adventurous let them spoon it on.

 

I do like the others above and offer the family meal along with a side item. If they don't want that, I tell them they can have something healthy (a piece of fruit, yogurt, etc.), and otherwise, there won't be anymore food until they get their small bedtime snack (also something healthy). Usually they will protest for a few minutes, then eventually will eat. Occasionally one of them hasn't eaten at all, and then they have their bedtime snack and seem to be fine, or an hour later I reheat their supper for them when they ARE willing to eat it.

If we are eating something I KNOW they won't eat (like steak - they don't have the patience to chew it), I make them something quick and easy separately (I make and freeze small portions of some foods for days like this - mac and cheese, baked spaghetti, etc.).

 

Yup, ditto everyone else. We put a small amount of the family meal on their plate (and by small I mean if we're having chili I put one bean on their plate), we ask that they have a taste but they don't have to swallow (right now they tend to taste by just licking the offensive item), and then they can serve themselves from a selection of fresh fruit and veggies that are on the table for everyone to eat. If they choose not to eat I respect that choice but remind them that there will not be any food until "x" time and I do not want to hear any whining about being hungry.

To add to what Michelle said regarding exclamations of "Yuck!" or "I don't like that" we also talk with our girls about manners at the table a fair bit and how it might feel for someone to hear that who worked hard on cooking the meal (not always in the moment but throughout the day).

There is very little in the world that preschoolers have absolute control over. What goes into their bodies is one of those things and ultimately a battle you can't win. So if you can shift to thinking more about strategies to encourage their cooperation rather than forcing them to eat it will help (your sanity at the least ).

 

Ditto everyone else. I just repeat to myself “my job is to make dinner and it is their job to decide what and how much they eat”. I do not even make them put an item on their plate if they don’t want to. I have learned that it is true that a child must be presented with something 10-15 times before they will try it (which means if you only eat that meal once a week it is going to take several months). I’ve been eating grapefruit daily recently and after about two weeks of watching me eat it and refusing to try it I now have two grapefruit lovers. We now go through a 10 lb bag a week. Same with salads. I don't eat salad often so it probably took them at least 6 months before they suddenly love salad. I would offer it but I never pushed them to try it at all.

I do offer side items that I know they will eat. I also have one that refuses to eat killed animals so that adds to what I offer when I am making something I know he will realize is a dead animal.

And they do get a bedtime snack regardless of how much they eat or don’t eat. Snack is typically fruit and milk.

 

I guess for the most part I am doing this, but it just didn't seem like enough! I will offer fruit or carrot sticks any time they don't want food we are eating, but if they ask/demand something else (Nutella, canned soup, easy Mac) and I say no, then they shut down and refuse to eat anything. That's what happened last night. We had an Asian inspired chicken meal served over rice and they refused even the plain rice which is something they love. The other problem is that if I offer fruit or yogurt too early in the meal the 18 m/o will stop eating and want to gorge herself on the fruit. We then end up with 2 pouting and a full on toddler tantrum!

I've thought about a bedtime snack but we eat dinner usually about 5 or 5:30 and it takes a good hour for everyone to finish and to clean up the mess. They head upstairs for bedtime at 7, which means that snack would be immediately following the meal. That kind of defeats the purpose, right?

 

When they shut down and refuse to eat anything else I say ok and go about eating my food. It's hard but I actively try to not care. Sebastian likes the attention if being picky (as I did as a kid). So by not letting them see me sweat m/care about what they eat it sort of deflates his bravado about eating. Often later in the meal he will eat whatever he didn't want to before.

Are they snacking before dinner? If so they may not be hungry at dinner.

In regard to the 18mo, sometimes my 13mo gets a few different things to eat- I'm not holding her to the same standard yet. I will as her comprehension increases, though.