Finding a good timeout place/method

As I posted earlier, I think we need to start timeouts (or some other kind of immediate negative consequences) with Sarah for hitting/biting/stealing/shoving/etc. The problem is that everything I try, she actually likes. <_<

I plunk her on the sofa -- she laughs and starts trying to climb over the back. I plunk her on the armchair -- she laughs because she hardly ever gets to sit in that chair. I take her to the bedroom and walk away -- she laughs and starts jumping on the mattress.

The only thing that really upsets her is when I get mad. If I do any of these things calmly (the way you're "supposed' to), it doesn't seem to bother her. But if I snap at her or show that I am angry, she's utterly destroyed. I certainly don't want to yell at her or make her incredibly sad! I just want there to be some consequence for unacceptable behavior. Suggestions?

 

I would get an old piece of carpet or a bathmat or something that you can place in a spot AWAY from the action to have her sit there until it's time to get up. She needs to be made to stay there or keep starting the time over. ( I used to buckle them into their seats, but I don't have buckles anymore - they get out of their chair for timeout, time starts over.)

Good luck!!! :hug99:

 

We have a small kid chair in the kitchen/dining area that sits in a corner. That is the time out chair. If they will stay in it, it is not facing the corner. Last night Luke wouldn't stay in it so DH turned it around facing the wall where he couldn't get out. That worked, so I think I will do that from now on.

 

We had the same problem with BOTH boys (not the utterly destroyed part). The one thing that worked for us (granted, they are not yet two), is doing a timeout by holding their arm so they can't go play. We don't hold it roughly even...just enough so they can't escape. We don't talk to or look at them during the timeout. We tell them "oh, you're going on a time out because you xyz". We only do 1-minute timeouts at the moment and that is PLENTY for them. Then after the timeout we tell them why they were on timeout.

They hate, hate, HATE this version of timeout....it's PERFECT. :spiteful:

 

I'm sure this is entirely wrong but it worked so here ya go...

I first tried repeatedly sitting them back down and they'd literally go for HOURS like this and start laughing because it was a game to them. So, I tried the arm holding but they'd just try to get away and again with the laughter. So, I'd end up holding them firmly on my lap while they screamed and cried like it was the worst torture ever. Surprisingly, not being able to get up is punishment even though they normally enjoy sitting in my lap. They gradually got the idea that timeout meant staying where I put them since I always tried just telling them they were taking a timeout and sitting them down first and then we'd progress to holding only if they resisted. I also have to face them away from anything fun (which often means facing the wall) and keep the other boy from bringing toys to or playing with the detainee. It really did seem to be more trouble than it was worth in the beginning but my persistance is finally paying off after many months of effort.

I don't use any special place -- they get put wherever I happen to be so I can watch them the whole time (they do much better if I'm right there).

 

OK, I'm sensing the theme that I need to be prepared to keep her in timeout if necessary. I had been trying to think of someplace I could put her and then just walk away.

So, say Sarah hits Amy and Amy is crying. Do I comfort Amy before putting Sarah in timeout, or do the timeout first and then comfort Amy? Amy's going to be pretty upset if I deal with Sarah for a minute or two before comforting her. But will the purpose of the timeout be lost if Sarah goes free for a few minutes while I'm comforting Amy?

 

I think the answer to your last question is one I had to struggle with too. Amy is hurt because of something Sarah did, chances are she is not physically in a lot pain. Deal with the punishment and then make Sarah say she's sorry, or hugs or something.

Chances are Amy will feel better pretty fast, and while you are punishing Sarah and teaching her consequences, you will also be teaching Amy to toughen up a little and wait for the apology to come from the one who did the hurting. I have this same issue with my girls. Sarah is always being picked on, by James or by Grace. It is so easy to try to fix it for her, but she is at an age where I want her to learn that she should fix it and wait for the offender to apologize. So unless she is in real pain, I let her fuss until her brother or sister give her a hug.

 

Bottom stair with a timer....works every time.

 

QUOTE(kerrmommy @ Feb 6 2008, 06:32 PM) [snapback]609472[/snapback]
I think the answer to your last question is one I had to struggle with too. Amy is hurt because of something Sarah did, chances are she is not physically in a lot pain. Deal with the punishment and then make Sarah say she's sorry, or hugs or something.

Chances are Amy will feel better pretty fast, and while you are punishing Sarah and teaching her consequences, you will also be teaching Amy to toughen up a little and wait for the apology to come from the one who did the hurting. I have this same issue with my girls. Sarah is always being picked on, by James or by Grace. It is so easy to try to fix it for her, but she is at an age where I want her to learn that she should fix it and wait for the offender to apologize. So unless she is in real pain, I let her fuss until her brother or sister give her a hug.

I agree with this. I do sometimes have to keep one in time out while the other has to fuss for a bit. Like the above, the "victim" is usually not really in physical pain, so having to wait two minutes isn't that awful in the grand scheme of things. Most of the time, the victim is done crying by the time the offender is out of time out. They are fairly good at staying in time out on their own, but sometimes I do have to herd them back in. I do time out in the corner, or against a blank spot along the wall.

If time out continues not to work for Sarah, you may need to modify it a bit. Besides yelling (I hate to yell too), find something that really gets to her, like if she has a favorite object, take that away for two minutes as time out, instead of putting her in time out. Or maybe hold her in a restrained manner, or try time out in the PNP or in the crib. Also make sure you don't talk for the two minutes, silently put her back in time out.

 

Maybe, an extra booster seat with straps that you can attatch to a chair that faces the corner or goes somewhere where she is away from all action and can't touch anything so she know you mean business? At least until she gets the idea that timeouts are a very serious thing and not a game.

I agree w/pp that you should handle the one who needs the timeout first so that BOTH of them can see the severity/consequences of doing something that is not acceptable.

Currently, I use a packnplay that we keep downstairs in the dining room (where pretty much nothing is happening). They haven't figured out how to climb out yet so for now it's perfect for me. Fortunately, After about 8 timeouts, Arwen has learned about not hitting her sister so I totally believe it works. She has not been in timeout for a good while now but when she tests me, all I have to say is do you want a timeout? She says no and I say, then stop and she does. However, with hitting, there would be NO warning. She would be put straight into timeout.

 

QUOTE(Minette @ Feb 6 2008, 01:47 PM) [snapback]609270[/snapback]
So, say Sarah hits Amy and Amy is crying. Do I comfort Amy before putting Sarah in timeout, or do the timeout first and then comfort Amy? Amy's going to be pretty upset if I deal with Sarah for a minute or two before comforting her. But will the purpose of the timeout be lost if Sarah goes free for a few minutes while I'm comforting Amy?



I agree with Amanda & Kelly on this one. We're currently dealing with post-time out retaliation also (The second Nick gets out of TO for hitting Joe he walks right up to him and hits him again...as if to show me who's boss b/c he looks RIGHT at me as he's doing it) .

So, during a time out I'm busy restraining the offender (and not consoling the offended). At the end of a TO I remind the offender why they were on time out, then, quickly scoop up the offended for consolation/protection from the recently paroled. This keeps them from re-offending, provides the offended with some one-on-one attention, and gives the offender some additional 'cool down' time.

 

Everything I've read on biting says to immediately comfort the bitten child first. This shows the biter that they are not going to get attention for biting (often what they are looking for) and also reminds them that someone got hurt. Then you are supposed to calmly tell the biter (without yelling) "No bite" or something to that effect - firm and simple and then put them in a time out.

Supposedly kids bite because they do not know how to handle their feelings yet. So if they get mad at their brother/sister for stealing a toy, they don't know what else to do except lash out. So you want to teach them it's not OK, but you also don't want to frighten them by yelling because it doesn't teach them how to control their emotions.

I read this on babycenter.com, plus other parenting books. Here's a link. If you also google "toddler biting" or something like that, you'll get a whole slew of info.

As far as keeping them in a time out, I've read if they won't sit still, it's fine to hold them on your lap to keep them in place. It's important to keep the duration of the time out age-appropriate. It's supposed to be one minute per age, I think? So for a 2 year old, a 2 minute time out is appropriate.

I feel your pain. This stuff is easier said than done, especially when they seem to respond immediately to being yelled at. We struggle with this every day. I'm thinking about trying the "Magic 1-2-3" program - I got a book about it from Amazon.

Michelle