Finally getting up the nerve to ask....

Ok- first I just want to say that I mean absolutely no disrespect to those who had to go through so much to end up with two wonderful babies. I know I should only feel happiness and gratefulness that I was able to conceive two wonderful children without an abundance of struggles. That being said, I am really having a hard time letting go of resentment that this isn't as easy or carefree as I expected since I had twins vs. a singleton. When I found out I was pregnant again after my first miscarriage I was so excited. I envisioned lots of time rocking and loving a baby, going out and being able to maintain some assemblance of "normalcy" with one baby in tow: going to run errands, getting out and going to eat with friends and family, managing my home- etc. With two, I am finding it virtually impossible to do anything but just get through the day. Last night I went to my mother of twins club meeting and we were dining out for our last meeting of the year. I looked over at couple eating near us with one baby and was actually jealous. Am I totally crazy? No one seems to understand how I feel since everyone thinks I should be so grateful and happy. My DD is so tempermental I can't take her anywhere without screaming and fussing. My DS is a dream- so I am also dealing with feeling more drawn and close to him vs. my daughter and that makes me feel awful.
Anyway- thanks for reading this. I just needed to "say" it out loud and try to move on. It's been weighing on me for a while now.

 

I felt like i couldnt go out in the first few months. After you have been going out.. It becomes easier. I go out all the time. i cant stand sitting at home all day. I was jelous at the begining, but now i am not.. I couldnt imagine not having twins. Both of my twins were colicy and would just cry all the time. But i did it anyhow.. Walking them was a good way to calm them down.

It does get better! 4 months was a real change in my babies.. GL!

 

It sounds like everything you are feeling is very normal! Things will get better too. :hug99:

 

You know, I think you're me.

I totally understand. From the miscarriage, to the spontaneous twins, to the son being a dream and the girl being a diva. I think it's normal to be overwhelmed, especially when you see two parents doting over one child and then there's us. I don't know if you're in the same boat as me, but my husband works the opposite shift from me, so it's really either just him or me with the babies.

But remember, at least you have one child that is a dream. My mother told me that when I was upset about how fussy and cranky Alice was.

 

You arent alone....I have 'singleton envy' all the time.

My best friend had a single baby 2 months after I had the twins & I am so jealous of her being able to go shopping, run errands, go out to eat & basically do whatever she wants whenever she wants with little to no problems having a baby in tow. I would just LOVE to go to the grocery store or target without it being a gigantic production to even get out of the house with 2 babies....

I feel kind of lonley being the mother of twins sometime I guess.

all that being said, here are the things that I love or that others are jealous of me for

~I dont have to go through another pregnancy!!! (yay! I did not like being pregnant!)
~my babies will always have a playmate (or sparring partner!) to entertain each other & keep each other company (giving us a small break every now & again)
~my best friend notices that each time I have said that sometimes it would be so nice to have a singleton I am holding a different baby that is asleep in my arms, thus showing me that I dont know what I would do without one of them!
~having my babies go through all their 'firsts' around the same time
~no conflicts with school events or meetings in the future

I know there are so many more great things but it isnt even 8am yet here!!

I KNOW it will get better & better as they get older & older ~ so hang in there. I know a whole bunch of singleton moms who would just LOVE to trade places with us

 

I did go through a lot to have my babies and I still felt like that in the begining. I remember feeling so guilty when I wasn't "liking" having twins, because I had prayed and wished for a baby for so long. It is totally normal, because it is THAT much harder to do anything than if you'd had a singleton. I often feel like I missed out on a lot when they were babies since I couldn't just hold and cuddle them just because I wanted to. As soon as you do, the other one needed something.

As they grow, you'll get more confidence and will get out more with them, but yes, even now, as much as I love my two and am soooo grateful that I have not 1, but 2 beautiful babies, there are times when I see people with singletons and am jealous. But sometimes GREAT things mean sacrifices and hard work too, if you know what I'm trying to say.

 

Totally normal. My absolutely perfect little sister had her absolutely perfect little SINGLETON girl one week prior to our babies being born. She was out and about without worrying about naps, etc... as her little girl would just calmly fall asleep in her mothers loving arms - unlike my two little refluxy scream monsters who had to be swaddled to the max a put in a swing to even think about sleeping. I was extremely jealous and a little annoyed. Even as the babies got older my family could never understand why I was such a schedule stickler and always planned everything around my babies' nap times, etc.... there was my sister out running around with her little one oblivious to schedules and naptimes, etc... My daughter Lily is also very determined and high spirited = difficult to take out, screams in the car, only wants mommy, fusses often, difficult to please, would not cuddle, terribly independent...etc... My son, Jack, is a breeze = totally laid back, easy, cuddly, EASY!!! I will say that once my Lily turned 9 and a half months and was able to walk she immediatly turned into a happy go lucky little girl that loves giving hugs, etc....

Add this to the fact that we had to do IVF to get preggers and my sistern announced her pregnancy the night we did and they had just stopped birth control the month before ---ughhhh

 

I think it is normal to feel like you do sometimes. I feel like this a lot too (and feel bad about feeling this way).When I see my friends with one baby I do get jealous that they go out with their husband to dinner or run errands with less hassle. I love my kids so much, but I don't feel like I have much of a life. Last week I finally got up the nerve to pack them and go to the mall, and it went great! So maybe things will start getting better, and I won't feel like this as much.

 

It does get easier, but we all have some really rough days as well! I got out right away with the twins as I could not stand being in the house all day, I am lucky enough though that my two are normally good on outings, but there are days that I am ready to pull my hair out!!!

Hang in there!!

 

It does get so much easier when they get bigger. It got easier for me around 4 months adjusted age when they could play with toys and were more interested in the world. I try to get out of the house too. It does suck to be stuck in all the time. Sometimes I just ride down the road to the recycling center just to get out and get a break. I have a VERY VERY needy baby too. DS wants me to hold him 24/7. It does get frustrating sometimes. DD is not needy and is content doing whatever. Just remember this: it will get better. Only a twin mom would understand what it is like to have 2 of them.

 

It's totally normal to have those feelings. I'm not very good at sitting still and after two months of bedrest and three weeks of back and forth to the NICU, I was very frustrated being stuck in the house. I did take them out anyway about every other afternoon just to maintain my sanity while I was home those 3 months. Now that they are able to pay attention to their surroundings more and play with their toys we are able to get out more often. We had a big weekend last weekend and were out with them two days in a row including two sit down lunches! We are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel (my Aunt says there's a train coming - crawling).

 

I felt EXACTLY the same way, including feeling guilty about feeling that way. As far as feeling closer to one, we went through a stage like that too, where our DD was harder. Now we are going through a stage where DS is harder.

But here's the good news: every day brings us closer to a time when I will truly be able to say two is so much better than one. You will see. They play together already at 11 months.

It will get better! You are not alone!

 

I'm with you! The thing I don't understand is why mothers of singletons complain about being tired. (I would only say this to other multiple mamas!) Let me tell you about tired!!! Sometimes I think that if I had one I could get all kinds of things done and that includes naps!

Second the emotion about being relieved to never have to be preg again. The 9 months was a great trade for my beautiful and smart babes, but so glad I don't have to do it again!

I'm working on getting out of the house also. DH thinks it is too big of a hassle to go out to eat or shopping with them. It is a lot easier just going to someone's house. I wonder though if I don't start now if we'll just stay home forever.

 

I have a bit of a different situation – we weren’t trying to get pregnant when it happened and my OB told me that I probably wouldn’t be able to have children because of some “thickening” issues with my uterus combined with that, I was 37 at the time. Four months later, spontaneous frat boys were on the way. Of course, I never wish that I hadn't had them, but some days I say to myself “I didn’t ask for this” or “this is too hard” and then some little something the boys do immediately get those thoughts out of my head.

I am an only child and all our family is 400 miles way (and my mother died 4 years ago), so we’ve (my DH and I) have done all of this on our own – and I went back to work after just 6 weeks of having the boys ‘cause I had to use ½ of my disability 6 weeks before they were born, on total bedrest. Talk about difficult – I remember one morning (about 3 weeks after returning to work), walking in to my office, thinking... Did I put on shoes today? My brain knew that I had shoes on, ‘cause I could feel them on my feet, but I had to literally look down to make sure that I had them on!!! How funny is that?!? :lol:

 

Your not allow. I really struggeled with those same feeling during our first year (and well into the second too!)

It will get better, but before then it will just be different.
For me the second year was not easier than the first, just different, new challenges. The third year was a bit easier, but with lots of new challenges, year 3-4 has been easier (though again there are new challenges).
We twin moms do miss out on some special singleton moments, but singleton mommies miss out on special twin moments. Try to remember that neither is better, just different.

"You will often wish that there were two of you, but never just one of them."

 

:hug99:

What you are feeling is normal, it honestly will get better though!

 

oh you are not alone...i have singleton envy too.

my SIL is pregnant and when i had the kids she would say i don't know how hard to CIO would be it should only take 2 weeks whats the problem? yeah one wakes the other try getting two babies asleep together and keep your sanity.....i told my DH although i am very happy for her i hope she has a colic kid :blink: oh i admitted that lol..yes i find myself secretly hoping she would have a hard time and be up all night for feedings and have a fussy baby all the time.....is that singleton jealousy? i just get angry when she thinks twins wouldn't be any different then a single baby.

 

Completely normal! My twins were such high need infants, and even worse toddlers. I'm definately jealous of people that only have 1 child. I cant just get up and go with my 2, even though they are 2 years old. :hug99:

 

I still have singleton envy sometimes. I had it really bad until my twins were at least 6 months old. (And I had also had a m/c and lots of trouble getting pregnant again.) Even now, I feel sort of envious when I see two parents doing fun things with just one child. And when I'm alone with one of my twins, I think "This is a piece of cake!"

But what made it a lot better for me was when my friends started having their SECOND children. Juggling two kids of different ages is, in some ways, harder than juggling twins (at least, twins over 6 months old).

I'll always be sad that I didn't get to have the singleton experience, but I also feel lucky to have two toddlers (which I find MUCH easier and more fun than having two babies) instead of a 2-year-old and a newborn. Don't feel guilty, it's natural to feel that way, but as your twins get older, I bet you'll be able to see the benefits of twins a little more. :hug99:

 

I think what you are feeling is totally normal and totally okay.

Sometimes I have singleton envy, but I also feel so special that I have twins. I think it would be strange at this point to just have one. I don't think I would know what to do with all my time

Things will get better soon. Hang in there!

 

Sounds totally normal. Do your best to get out of the house even if its just for a walk around the block. You will all feel much better. Or you can load them up in the car and go to a drive thru Starbucks (if you like coffee of course). I did this all the time just so I could listen to the radio and not have to carry a child around. Keep up the good work. It will get much better with time.

 

No time to read the other responses, but just wanted to give a big hug and tell you you're not alone! :hug99: I've also had times of feeling closer to one twin than the other, and for at LEAST the first 6 mo not a day (hour? minute?) went by that I didn't think, "Oh, a singleton would be so EASY!" I felt bad about it too, because I'd been so thrilled about having twins, and because we had a big scare about almost losing DS during the last 9 wks of the pregnancy.

What I want to tell you, though, is that it gets SO much better. In the second half of the first year, more and more often instead of thinking "One baby would be so easy!" I'd find myself thinking "One baby would be so BORING!" And now, if I think about having a singleton, it seems so dreary and lonely and boring. It is SO much fun having twins now, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Even at times that one baby is up from a nap and the other is still sleeping, I feel lonely and can't wait for the other to wake up - it's just so much more fun having both of them around.

(And I guarantee you that a year ago I would not have believed I'd EVER be writing what I just wrote!!!)

You're at a really tough age right now. They can't do much yet, and you must be totally burned out from the "fourth trimester." But it is OK! It's ok to feel burned out. Try to get a break if you can, even if it's only an hour. And there is light at the end of the tunnel. It gets so, so, so much better. Hang in there, mama! :hug99:

 

QUOTE(DATJMom @ May 21 2008, 02:20 PM) [snapback]785777[/snapback]
Or you can load them up in the car and go to a drive thru Starbucks (if you like coffee of course).


Rachel,
I had to smile when I read that because I LOVE Starbucks and, as lame as this sounds, that is one of the things I miss the most!! The nearest drive thru is about 20 minutes away and with gas prices, coupled with the fact that my DD hates her carseat, it is difficult to get there. I do go to the closer Starbucks on the weekends while my DH keeps the kids....

 

I've been blessed to have both experiences - singleton and twins - and I am very glad that I had the singleton experience first (especially after infertility struggles). I WAS able to relish every moment, completely dwell in all the wondrous moments for the first 3 years of my DD's life. Then came the twins! Totally different experience!!!! There have been many days where I have felt that I didn't really get to enjoy my babies, because I've just been busting my butt all day in order to simply meet everyone's most basic needs. Feeding, changing, dressing, bathing, meal prep, laundry, dishes, etc.... where's the baby cuddle time?? I would love to just be able to sit and snuggle and play with one baby for longer than a half-hour, but that simply doesn't happen.
A friend recently got pregnant for the first time, and was hoping for twins. I didn't say anything, but was happy for her when she found out it was a singleton. With just one, she will just be able to take things slower and enjoy her baby.

I see you are in Ohio - maybe we are part of the same MOM club...

 

I am with you-I find myself wishing away these infant months for children I can tote around much easier, I have anxiety anywhere we go because I just know that one will have a melt down and no matter what I am always holding a fussy kid-ugh! I hate not being able to go places...add a third child to the mix and it gets even crazier!

I love them but this isnt what I asked for...someday I will realize how lucky I am I do feel guilty because like you I had a m/c and wanted nothing more then to be pregnant and prayed every day for one...ONE!
I do believe that because of this "challenge" I will live a much more exciting life! HA!

Dont feel bad-you are not alone in your feelings...

 

you're not crazy.

I love my kids so much but totally understand how you feel.

having 2 songletons first, it was hard to know what I am missing out on with the twins. The singlemindedness you have with 1 baby. That special 1 on 1 time, the ease of 1 baby.

Having my first was just as you described for me. Very easy, barely a bump in the road. Our lifesstyle barely changed a bit. Having twins stopped us in our tracks. leaving the house is so much harder. I had friends tell me I fell off the face of the earth when I had the twins. Painful words for someone who prided herself in the ease of parenthood. I get it. I am sorry.

I too have a cousin going through fertility wishing for twins (as I did too in our first fertility experience). I stay quiet and pray she gets 1. She is a wonderful person with little patience who already depends on he rmom for basic emotional support. I pray she gets one healthy baby.

 

I get those feelings alot too, it's sooo normal and it doesn't make you a bad person. I love and charish my babies, they are my life and I never regret having them. (I contemplated an abortion in the beginning) I'm soooo glad I didn't. I love having twins!

But like you I envy those who don't have kids at all and can come and go as they please. I get this mostly on a boring Saturday, normally if I was bored I'd go to the casino or someplace with a friend no matter what time it was, 1am 2am, didn't matter.

but those thoughts quckly go away when I see my babies smile or laugh.

 

I had a singleton first, and having him was a life changing event but I handled it really well and enjoyed every moment with him. He just kind of melted into our lives. With the twins the first months were really rough, and my life has changed in ways I never thought it would. I can't remember ever feeling truly exhausted when my older DS was a baby....now I know what it is like to literally fall asleep once my head hits the pillow. What you are feeling is very normal....I always think how glad I am that I had my older DS first because I couldn't imagine going from no babies to two overnight.

I take the babies out quite often now....but I am lucky and my mom is always with me so I have a helper. At this age though the babies will sit in their carriers and chew on their toys for a little bit, so I can actually shop for a few minutes. It's still hard and if I can leave them at home I do, but you will find the older they get the more adventurous you will become, and the easier life will be in general.

I also had a miscarriage between older DS and the twins. I felt guilty for a long time when I would think that I wanted another baby and a sibling for DS so bad, and then I was blessed with two and all I could think about was how insane my life had become. Don't beat yourself up for how you feel, having two babies is really hard and in reality having one would be much easier. But now I see my two interacting with each other and with their older brother and it melts my heart, and I wouldn't want my life any other way (and trust me I didn't feel that way in the beginning!!!) Hang in there!

 

These are my first babies so I have no idea what it's really like to have a singleton. But, I don't know how many times in the first 6 months I envied moms with singletons, and thought "oh, how easy that must be....." not just for the fact that you were so much more mobile and able to get out and about, but also because you could give all of your attention to one baby. I have felt so guilty so many times that I can't give all my attention to both all the time.....

Sometime after the 6-month mark, things changed. I no longer wish I only had one at a time (most of the time, anyway), and I really feel blessed and lucky to have them both! Maybe it's because they are developing into wonderful little people or maybe becuase they can entertain themselves a little bit better and don't NEED me 24/7, maybe because I'm gettng better at being organized and more daring in my attempts at taking them out...... who knows? It's definitely still hard to do all the things I would do of DH and I could share the duties of one baby between the two of us, but I wouldn't change it for the world now (and I NEVER thought I'd being saying this a few months ago).

It will get better. 3 months is such a hard age. :hug99: Hang in there!

 

Oh man...your post is like memory lane. I wish you could get a glimpse of your life about 9 months from now. Every single day my dh and I comment about how amazing and fun and wonderful having the twins is now...and then we say how glad we are those early months are a distant memory. They will BOTH be a complete joy to you. I had a VERY difficult little man his first 6 months, but he is the easiest, happiest and most loving one year old. Hang in there mama!

Reyna

 

QUOTE(Meximeli @ May 21 2008, 12:05 PM) [snapback]785580[/snapback]
Your not allow. I really struggeled with those same feeling during our first year (and well into the second too!)

It will get better, but before then it will just be different.
For me the second year was not easier than the first, just different, new challenges. The third year was a bit easier, but with lots of new challenges, year 3-4 has been easier (though again there are new challenges).
We twin moms do miss out on some special singleton moments, but singleton mommies miss out on special twin moments. Try to remember that neither is better, just different.

"You will often wish that there were two of you, but never just one of them."

Very well said!

 

I have had moments of singleton envy, so what you are feeling is totally normal! There are times where I would like it not to be a production to get out of the house. I feel like at times I am the roadie for a rock band considering all the accessories twin infants need.

But like others have said, I am so grateful for my twosome, even when they try my nerves and I get absolutely nothing done. There is nothing better then walking into room, or looking over and seeing two huge smiles, hearing two loud giggles and babbles. I don't know what my life was like with out them

I am also seriously grateful for one pregnancy and no more! DH and I always say that we wanted two kids and God gave us two at once, so we are all good!

Hang in there Momma, it will get better and singleton envy is normal!

 

Thank goodness I am not alone. I felt so bad for feeling this exact way. One of my girlfriends had her baby a month before the twins and when she came to visit she couldn't understand why I wasn't out all the time. I can feel pretty resentfull when these kind of comments come up. People don't get it. It is getting easier but I know how much that annoyed me when people told me it was going to get easier at different months and that month would come and go and I still felt overwhelmed. Thanks for the post.

 

I had 2 m/c's and then discovered I was pg with twins and I cried the whole way home. I didn't know how we were going to survive financially or mentally. DH was totally unsupportive and we fought for several weeks. I felt awful for not feeling happy after 2 losses and so much agony that I would never be a mother. At my next appt I found out I lost a twin. I was so thankful one survived. When my DD was born I was so overwhelmed. She was not and still isn't an easy child. Again I felt like something was wrong with me because I wanted her so much! My love for her was overwhelming though and by the time she turned one, I was talking about having another. Fast forward, I got pg right away ... with twins again. I cried the whole way home again. I was no longer working so money was even tighter and I had to beg DH to try for just one more. It truly took me several months to adjust to the fact we were indeed having twins. I was so lucky to have an easy pg and both twins were decent weights and healthy. After that, everything just fell into place. My twins are very easy or maybe they seem that way compared to my not-so-easy older child. Of course there have been stressful times, but I couldn't imagine my life without them and actually feel horrible now that my older DD lost her twin and will never experience this. I do think your 1st child (or 2nd in the case of twins) is the hardest as you try to navigate yourself through a whole new life with kids. For me, going from 0-1 kid was harder than going from 1-3 kids. Anyway, sorry to ramble on. I definitely don't think you are alone and I do believe it gets easier as you get used to the chaos of kids. Finding a routine early on really helped me. For probably a month or two after the twins were born, I would have my DH sit in the car when we went places while I unloaded the stroller, diaper bag and all 3 kids so I could learn how to do it by myself - DH was there to help just in case. Now I drag all 3 of them all over the place with me - of course it's easier to go by myself, but we all know how often that happens after you have kids! Anyway, hugs to you!

 

QUOTE(AshleyLD @ May 21 2008, 02:55 PM) [snapback]785260[/snapback]
I felt like i couldnt go out in the first few months. After you have been going out.. It becomes easier. I go out all the time. i cant stand sitting at home all day. I was jelous at the begining, but now i am not.. I couldnt imagine not having twins. Both of my twins were colicy and would just cry all the time. But i did it anyhow.. Walking them was a good way to calm them down.

It does get better! 4 months was a real change in my babies.. GL!



I was the same exact way. I wondered at that time "Why was I given two?" after having a singeton here also. After 4yrs of infertilty, I felt so guilty about these feelings. I never wanted twins, and was no happy about it when I found out I was. Now, I CANNOT imagine NOT having twins!! Having two is much fun and amazing!! We didn't do much during those times either, but now we go out to eat at least once a week, shopping, etc...

Our tough times are when we are at family gatherings....it tends to be overwhelming...especially with Carlie. I hope this pass soon though since we will be going up to the lake now that it is that time of year.

4 months was also the big breaking point for us too. They started to get into a better schedule and interact with us more.

You are not alone on this, and it will get better!!

April