fighting over toys

My Sarah seems to be the guiltiest of this, but occaisionally Hannah will do it to, but lately they seem to be awfully "snatchy," often stealing toys from each other and leaving the other girl crying and looking to me to do something. I'm not sure if it's better to intervene and give it back, or let them try to learn how to work it out. My instincts say intervene, but I've heard some people say it's good to let them learn how to handle those problems. They seem awfully young for that... but what do I know. Any advice? This is also why we have 2 of almost everything, but even then sometimes they steal stuff just for the fun of it even if they're already in possession of the other matching item.

 

Mu boys do this exact same thing. I really try hard to not intervene. As long as someone is not getting hurt in the situation. Mine will get pretty physical every once in awhile with hitting. I have no idea where they learned to do that. Survival of the fittest is what I say. I am looking forward to hearing some replies from mothers that have been through this.

 

I don't intervene unless they are hurting each other. I think it's important for them to learn to resolve things on their own.

 

My pedi told me not to intervene unless it was getting physical. I do on occasion, but not often.

 

I would intervene in that I would try and distract the one who's toy got stolen with something else. At the age yours are they just can't understand sharing or taking turns, so I wouldn't try to enforce that until they could understand.

 

I do intervene (if at all possible). When my girls were infants and I read topics like these, I would always say "Yeah, I'll let them work it out." But now that they are toddlers, I'm much more of the mindset that it's our job as parents to teach them the skills they need before they can work things out. Toddlers just don't have those skills and are not developmentally able to negotiate, share, compromise, take turns, etc. -- if you leave them to it, might nearly always makes right, and that's not what I want to teach them. I don't want them to grow up to think it's OK to steal something from another kid just because the other kid didn't fight back hard enough.

 

I don't let it go too far before the toy goes into time out.

 

QUOTE(Minette @ Jun 14 2007, 04:14 PM) [snapback]292447[/snapback]
I do intervene (if at all possible). When my girls were infants and I read topics like these, I would always say "Yeah, I'll let them work it out." But now that they are toddlers, I'm much more of the mindset that it's our job as parents to teach them the skills they need before they can work things out. Toddlers just don't have those skills and are not developmentally able to negotiate, share, compromise, take turns, etc. -- if you leave them to it, might nearly always makes right, and that's not what I want to teach them. I don't want them to grow up to think it's OK to steal something from another kid just because the other kid didn't fight back hard enough.


I tend to agree with you Minette- It seems like the vast majority falls in the other camp, though, but I just find it difficult to let little Hannah be bullied most of the time while I sit idly by. Maybe when they are verbal enough to really understand me, I will teach them how to work out those situations, but for now, I think maybe your approach is the right one for our family.

 

QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Jun 14 2007, 03:37 PM) [snapback]292387[/snapback]
My pedi told me not to intervene unless it was getting physical. I do on occasion, but not often.


Ditto

 

I take the same approach that Twin_Nanny and Minette are taking.

 

I'm with Twin_Nanny and Minette too.

I always intervened because I didn't want them snatching other kids toys. Basically, if it's not ok for them to do to another child (at the park, say) then it's not ok for them to do to eachother. The same goes for fighting. Lots of twin moms say to let them work it out as long as no ones getting too hurt. But, I have always stopped it. It's not ok for them to fight other kids, so why should it be ok for them to fight eachother?

At that age, I think I took the toy back and said, "No grabbing. He had it first. When he's done, you can play with it" and tried distraction. As they got older we introduced the idea of trading (which they learned really quickly).

 

One more for Minette...lol. I'm actually glad but a little suprised to see that others intervene as well. I just can't sit there and watch it happen, because 9 times out of 10, Ian is the one taking away the toy and Grayson is never strong enough (even when he's fighting for the toy) to keep hold of it. I will say they are pretty good about trading toys but of course, they still disagree.
good post.


faith

 

I do intervene if I'm watching and one blatantly grabs a toy from the other. "No grabbing" is an important rule IMHO and I try to work with them to understand the concept of asking permission to play with something, trading, etc. Like others have said I feel like if I don't intervene and just let them work it out, the one who is grabbier/more assertive will always win out over the one who's less grabby but more sensitive over having toys stolen, KWIM? If I don't intervene how do they know that grabbing something from someone else is not acceptable behavior?

 

It depends on what is going on. I would prefer that they learn they just can't go grab something from someone whenever they see something they want. Actually, it's only Nicholas that does this.

That being said, sometimes I do let them work it out.

 

We also intervene, for the reasons mentioned, and also because we have one who dominates the other, and I don't want the "other" to feel trampled on all the time. So I do it to not raise a bully, and also to not raise someone who feels like she deserves bullying.

 

I'll intervene for grabbing.

I'll suggest taking turns if they start to get really loud about it.

If it's an item we for some reason have only one of and they can't compromise (and now at 4.5 they are getting to be pretty good at compromising), then I have DS2 set his watch for a repeat timer. (How I LOVE this stupid digital watch XH gave him because it has this feature!) He sets it to beep every so many minutes (I usually choose a minute per year of age, just like time out), and when it beeps, it's the other girl's turn. Even when they were still between 2.5 and 3, this worked. Knowing the beep meant switching calmed them right down, and often after only a few turns they'd get bored of the toy they were fighting over and move on to something else.

So, if the fighting is really making you nuts and you can use a beeping timer, I highly recommend this. It's impersonal (the timer decides), so they can't perceive any favoritism.

 

i intervine.. i usually see the snatcher.. and the biter is comming..

i say.. ds.. i saw you.. now pass to your bro/sis..

the PASS TO method is something i started when they were tiny..

i did it with bottles, and toys..

it teaches them to share and really wks..

 

QUOTE(Minette @ Jun 14 2007, 02:14 PM) [snapback]292447[/snapback]
I do intervene (if at all possible). When my girls were infants and I read topics like these, I would always say "Yeah, I'll let them work it out." But now that they are toddlers, I'm much more of the mindset that it's our job as parents to teach them the skills they need before they can work things out. Toddlers just don't have those skills and are not developmentally able to negotiate, share, compromise, take turns, etc. -- if you leave them to it, might nearly always makes right, and that's not what I want to teach them. I don't want them to grow up to think it's OK to steal something from another kid just because the other kid didn't fight back hard enough.


I agree with this. If the boys are left to work it out that means Spencer gets the toy and Carter learns Spencer gets whatever he wants because he is stronger, or that the way to get what he wants is to bite. Right now with the boys I really praise them for sharing and am trying to teach them about taking turns. Even with me right there it is sometimes hard for them. I think working it out on their own has its place, but they need to know some basics first.

 

I intervene and repeat "Don't take," then show them how to ask to trade; I have since they started doing this. Generally speaking, this has worked for us and they are good at getting another toy that they know their sibling will want and offering to trade. If the trade is "unacceptable," I distract the child that wanted to trade (probably will keep doing that until they are old enough to share). We did have one incident where Alex (he's very dominate) pushed Nikki away from a toy, and Nikki retaliated by biting, so I try to watch for that sort of thing to prevent anything. Anyway...just what I do.

 

Meant to include that I praise them every time they do well sharing, to reinforce the good stuff.

 

I read this again and realized that I didn't actually explain HOW I intervene. Assuming that I see the grabbing when it happens (or at least that it's obvious who grabbed what), I tell Amy "Sarah was playing with that, you can't steal it from her." (Sarah does her share of grabbing too -- this is just for example. ) Then I ask her to "Give that back to Sarah please." If she doesn't do it voluntarily, I will turn her towards Sarah and hold her hand out (with the toy in it) so Sarah can take it. If she resists, I pry her fingers off the toy and give it to Sarah. I tell Amy "Thank you for giving that back to Sarah!" I then offer Amy another toy to play with, and if she has a tantrum, I leave her to it.

But if this happens with the same toy more than twice right in a row, the toy goes bye-bye for awhile. We don't use the word "time-out" yet, but I say "You are fighting over this toy, so it's going bye-bye" and then I put it somewhere where they can't see it. Of course that usually makes both of them cry.

I also try to do lots of positive reinforcement for sharing and taking turns.

 

WOW, great responses so far! I only have 1 item to add..

My boy/girl twins do better when I say TAKE TURNS. I had been telling them, share, share.....I do not know why, but TAKE TURNS, calmy, and with me spending 1 whole day on the floor at eye level, softly taking the item and passing it back and forth seems to have helped a little.

they still have moments, but is has improved.

 

My MIL likes to watch. Better yet if they each have one and then one twin ends up with both and then it gets snatched away again. I is quite a show especially at dinner.

 

When they were the age of the OP's babies, I would simply take the toy & distract the snatcher. When they got older they learned the phrase "Snatch cats never get fat, they never get their fill" & we trained them to count to 30. Once they counted to 30 the child originally playing with the toy had to share. Strangely enough, they both really enoy that process - both the snatcher & the snatchee - they like counting together. I liberally praise their sharing & encourage them to count when they have to. DH does the dumbest thing - he tells them if they fight over a toy he will "throw it down a crab hole" (they were fascinated by crab holes at the beach). It works - they stop fighting almost immediately - but I know they will soon realize there is not really a crab hole anywhere near our house!

 

It depends. I will usually watch and see how they are working it out themselves. I want Kara (who tends to be more passive) to learn to stand up for herself and intervening doesn't really support that (for us anyway). I will break in if the physical fight gets too rough.