Feelings towards younger sister of a friend

I need some advise. My kids will be 5 in a few weeks - but I feel like this topic belongs in this forum.
 
Long story short - we have some new neighbors across the street that are really nice. They have a daughter Isabella that is 6 months older than my kids. They also have a daughter Alex that is 3. Isabella is spending a lot of time at our house. My kids like her and she likes them - even if they are 3 kids they play nicely together when it's only the 3 of them. When Alex come over also- (which is 80% of the time) - there are issues.
 
Alex is a sweet kid and she is likes me a lot and I like her. She is petite for a 3 year old, my kids call her "Isabella's baby" and she always gives me hugs and kisses. I am also giving hugs to Isabella - these are really loving girls. For some reason - my kids are jealous of Alex. Also the 3 older kids have the tendency to exclude Alex while they play since she's younger - so I end up spending time with her while the others are playing. It doesn't bother me, but it seems that my kids notice this and they really don't like Alex because of it, they think I prefer Alex since she's so cute and small. I am trying to explain to my kids that this is not a reason to dislike Alex and even if I am spending time with her it doesn't mean I don't like them anymore.
 
Yesterday Isabella went home with Vanessa and their mom came out and sent Alex with Vanessa even if Isabella had to stay home. So Vanessa said: "I don't want Alex to come over, I don't like her"
 
I feel bad that V said that - their mom told me she told Vanessa it's not nice to hurt Alex's feelings. At the same time, I don't want to teach my kid to lie about her feelings. She really doesn't like Alex - she told me several times - and I am trying to work on her and explain why they should accept Alex - but should I force her to like her? I think this is a process and in time they will like Alex more also.

What would you do? At the same time, I think V is also young and with time comes wisdom, she is an emotional kid so I don't want to force the issue either and make a big deal about it. What is the correct approach in this instance?
 
Thanks in advance,
 
Monica
 
 
 
 

 

It sounds like the mom is using you to babysit Alex.  At that age, I can see where 5 year olds don't want to play with a 3 year old--they are just in two different worlds.  In a few years, the 2 year difference will shrink, but right now, it is a large gap for everyday.  Just like twins don't have to be together, siblings don't either!  I would talk to the other mom, and explain that Alex at this point isn't ready to play with the older kids all the time.  Maybe she can come over for an hour, then go home and that would allow her some time with the older girls, but them allow them to play without her as well.

 

We've had this issue. Our neighbors have a boy that is 6 months older than our boys and a girl who is 2 years younger. So not only is there an age, but a gender gap. The boys would very often gang up on the girl (usually led by her brother who picks on her constantly). There was a lot of fights at first and the parents kind of insisted that the girl be included in everything. We didn't think that was entirely fair and we weren't about to make our boys responsible for their sibling dynamic, so we just worked on the expectation that the boys just have to be polite to the sister as she is either a guest or a host. Now that she's maturing a little they often play quite nicely together, or the girl just checks out when the boys become less interesting. I do think it's important for the boys to have to figure out how to play with kids of all ages though, so I don't want to always alleviate that for them. At the same time, I don't want to always invite conflict in the house.
 
I sometimes only invite the boy over based on older activities, but I think we've only gotten there because I am quite close with their parents. I would feel uncomfortable saying that to people I didn't know as well. Maybe you could suggest that though.. age appropriate movies, decorating cookies, crafts, whatever that is more geared toward the 5 year olds? Or, are there other kids in the neighborhood who are a little younger that you could invite over to bridge the gap sometimes? Maybe there's opportunities to figure out games ahead of time that they can play together. I found a lot of planning ahead of time helped the boys not freak out at the younger friend; when she annoys you, what are you going to say? when her brother picks on her what are you going to do? what is a game that you can all play together? is there anything that she likes that you both like? What shows does she like that you like? etc. Over time they've figured out things they have in common and it has worked itself out. Kids are a lot better negotiators than we give them credit for!

 

I think you've gotten some good advice.  I think I would talk to the Mom and just say there is an age difference between the kids and when you send Alex over, I'm the one playing with her-not my girls or her sister.  I think the best thing would either have Alex over for a short period of time or just don't send at all and she can play when there is something for all 4 kids to do together.
I think with them and maturity the kids will all find something to play together.  I would also say to the girls that even though Alex is younger, sometimes we have to find things that everyone can play together.
 
My friend has three sons and a daughter who is 3 years younger than my daughter.  But, I gave my daughter credit that she would bring out toys and find things in common that the two of them could play together...my daughter is 7.  I don't think she would have done that on her own at 5 unless an adult suggested it to her. 

 

I just had another thought--that Psych major comes in handy once in a while--yes, it is good for different age kids to play together.  But, developmentally, 3 year olds are in the stage of parallel play--they really don't "play" with other kids.  While 5 year olds are into cooperative play.  All you have to do to see the difference is go to a 3 year old preschool class vs. a Kindergarten class.  The way the kids play is extremely different.  That is a huge reason why they don't all play together.  Maybe approach mom from that angle.  That way you are looking at it more objectively, then simply "my kids don't like your kid"--they just are in 2 different worlds at this time.

 

Thanks everyone. 
 
Just wanted to clarify - my son Max is definitely a boy . He doesn't mind playing with girls since he has Vanessa around all the time. He has some friends that are boys but Isabella is closer to him than any boys. I think both Max and V see Isabella as their closest friend. Also these girls don't have a brother so they really like Max's toys - electric trains, RC cars, Duplos, magnet tiles, wooden trains - apparently they don't have that kind of toys at their house. Vanessa, Max and Isabella play well together.
 
Yesterday when I got home I discussed this issue again with my kids alone and I asked them to tell me why they don't like Alex - being that she's such a nice kid. I assured them they don't have any reason to be jealous. They told me they don't like her because she has diapers and they smell and she's a baby because of it. So I didn't even realize that bothered them or they noticed it. Also you guys made a good point.  I know the mom told me Isabella is mean to Alex so I think my kids mimic Isabella's attitude - I will try to have a talk to them about that as well.
 
This family across the street -  they also have another girl that is 21 months old and their mom is pregnant with their forth girl - so I don't mind Alex around - I know the mom needs a break. They also have a huge Tibetan Mastiff and my kids are kind of scared of him - so they mostly play at our house or outside.
 
I think everyone made a great point about the age difference being an issue and I have the feeling at times that Isabella comes over to escape Alex - but then she shows up right away and it aggravates Isabella. I hope as they grow they will all get along better. 

 

 
Whoops! I was obviously not paying attention .
 
I think the age difference is something I forget about as a twin mom. I never have to worry about my boys being significantly developmentally different from each other, so it throws me for a loop when we have to deal with other sibling dynamics. It is frustrating at times. I guess as frustrating as having two going through an especially whatever insane stage at the same time!