Feeling worn down by opinions

Hi ladies

I shouldn´t be complaining but here I am anyway!

I live in Spain (Im a Brit, DH is Spanish) so Im not near my family and although Im happy here I do get frustrated. I´m fed up of people fussing unecessarily over my twins when there is no need to. The lady who helps me Mon-Fri, worries as they aren´t finishing their night bottles (that´s the whole point - they´re eating enough solids in the day so they take what they need before bed), and I had to step in and say firmly "do not force feed them, they will take what they need". She respects it but still brings it up every day! Then when Im making their puree, it´s "make sure you add more carrots" or "are you really going to add all that fish? You´ll need to balance it out with veg" She is great with the twins and we get on well but it just bugs me.

Then there´s MIL when she comes to visit, which is weekly: "oh they have cold feet. Im putting socks on you even though they dont do that in Britain. You´re in Spain now where we do put socks on" (this is true we dont put socks on all the time, they have a manic fascination over here. Besides, the babies pull them off and eat them!)... "they´re going to get sick"... The number one prize comment came last week: "Rachel, have you stopped giving the babies their vitamin D drops?" (she knows full well I have as she stayed with us for 5 days the previous week and saw I never gave it to either baby) I said "yes" and "why?" Answer: "Oh that´s probably why their teeth haven´t come through?" WTF! I told her that´s rubbish and told her there are plenty of 9 month old babies who dont have any teeth plus it´s also hereditary to which she replied that DH teethed at 6-7 months (of course!). My mum doesn´t remember when I did. Then to add injury to insult, when I consulted something else through her sister (who works in a hospital in another city to me), she told me it was normal not to have teeth at 9 months! She still consulted it when I´d already told her it was ok. I am SICK of her thinking these are her babies. She always refers to them as "my babies" and says she loves them more than her own 2 sons. I tell her they arent her babies but she just laughs it off. My mum´s coming this Thursday till Monday (one of the few who doesnt interfere) and MIL is coming tomorrow for 2 days as she "misses them too much" She last saw them a week ago. OMG. I WISH people would back off! I am sick of it but I can´t say anything as you dont want to offend the family... Ia lso have to say that MIL has been a tremendous help but...

I have AF coming which is why Im probably feeling so sensitive these days, but I really feel like someone is putting a plastic bag over my head with these two. I can´t breathe!

Thanks for letting me vent and for reading

 

:hug: DS2 and DD2 were very late to get their teeth, and they are fine.

 

:hug: I hope u can get through the next couple days with MIL. My best friends Daughter didn't get her first tooth until she was 15 months old.

 

thanks girls Im not worried about their teeth, just overwhelmed by the constant "advice"

 

Advice can be overwhelming... it's hard to grit your teeth and bare it. :hug:

 

Rachel :hug: I'm sorry you are feeling suffocated!!!

I had to tell my MIL that I was going to get my feelings hurt if she continued to compare my twins to her two singleton babies! She was looking up everything they ate at the same ages and how much they weighed etc. It was making me crazy.

I told her that I was working with pediatricians that I trusted and who said all was fine and I'm going to continue to listen to them!

FWIW - my DD got her FIRST tooth 4 days after their first birthday! The pediatrician said "THAT'S GOOD!!! Healthier teeth come in later!!!" So, use that with your MIL!!! :grouphug:

 

my MIL is the sweetest woman! My mother, who is an amazing mother, is also a little too opinionated sometimes. I'm nursing so it's always a sensitive subject. My mom is always, and I mean always saying I should give them a bottle. Here's another example:

me to my friend: Rachel was a slow nurser in the beginning, she would take 45 minutes and if I pulled her off sooner she would scream til I finally latched her back on.
mom: no, I remember, both babies ate really fast.
me: no mom, Ellie was quick but Rachel wasn't.
mom: no, no, I remember. Both were quick.


How can you possibly know better than me how my kids nursed!?#@#$ and it's not like it was years ago, maybe 3 months prior. grrrr.

 

Sorry about the unwanted 'advice' Rachel. :hug:

 

Sounds like my side of the family...I really wish I could say that it gets better but in my case, it is getting much, MUCH worse. I hope your situation changes unlike mine has :hug:

 

Rachel, I hear ya! My MIL suddenly has tons of advice for me and it is really annoying. I try to be nice about it but sometimes I just want to tell her to shove it! I don't have much advice for you as I am a weiner and don't stand up to her but then again I know she is just doing it to 'try' and be helpful and I try to remember that when her advice hits a 10/10 on the annoying scale.

 

I'm sorry; that would drive me crazy, even if they are well-intentioned.

 

QUOTE(june07girl @ Mar 3 2009, 07:57 AM) [snapback]1212129[/snapback]
Rachel, I hear ya! My MIL suddenly has tons of advice for me and it is really annoying. I try to be nice about it but sometimes I just want to tell her to shove it! I don't have much advice for you as I am a weiner and don't stand up to her but then again I know she is just doing it to 'try' and be helpful and I try to remember that when her advice hits a 10/10 on the annoying scale.


I try to do that too but some days it just gets too much!

QUOTE(angie7 @ Mar 3 2009, 03:14 AM) [snapback]1211879[/snapback]
Sounds like my side of the family...I really wish I could say that it gets better but in my case, it is getting much, MUCH worse. I hope your situation changes unlike mine has :hug:


OMG, what´s happening to you!? :hug:

Thanks everyone for sharing, it´s made me feel better. MIL is due to arrive any minute so we´ll see!

 

With the lady who helps you during the week, you are totally allowed to tell her off! (Nicely, of course...lol) You PAY her, so that makes you HER boss. (God, that sounds really B*tchy but you know what I mean, I hope! )
As for your MIL, it just kind of depends on what you think is worth fighting over and what may happen if you say something. (My MIL would never act this way by my MOM sure would! She drove me bonkers with Owen.)

I'm sorry you have to put up with this. I know with me, it's not even so much the unsolicited advice that bugged me, as the assumption that I was too stupid to know how to take care of my own kid. Bah. I'm all mad for ya now. Lol...

 

I think I'd have to shoot myself.

I also have inlaws from another country and cannot IMAGINE living near them. They would do what you are describing times a GAZILLION and I'd be in the mental institution.

I CANNOT STAND UNSOLICITED ADVICE and they specialize in it.

I would seriously just say "You know what lady? I'm going to need you to STOP with the comments. I know what I'm doing and if I ever need help or advice, I'll be sure you to ask you but for now.. I'm good."

Truly. You do NOT need to put up with it.

I'm glad you have help but for me, I'd rather not have "help" than deal w/ the drama/comments. Can't.

I TOTALLY get what you're saying here. Sooooo stressful to ALWAYS be second guessed!

 

LOL! Your posts brought a smile to my face! Thank you for being supportive.

The lady who helps is good but has a tendency at times to do what she sees best instead of what I see best. I do say "look...." and she respects my wishes. She was putting biscuit in their fruit puree everyday and I didnt realise as Im at work (I had said that it would be ok to do from time-to-time) and when I told her not to, she said "but Isabella loves it" Yeah, I bet she does!!! The biscuit is for learning to chew on, not have mashed up everyday in their fruit puree! What kid wouldnt love it! LOL!

When I was in the UK at my parents´, over Christmas, I was exhausted after the 3 weeks there (I did practically everything myself) but happy as I was in control 24/7 plus my mum was there at hand and she never once over-stepped the mark. My MIL is paranoid about everything and quite nervous in general. Also, she retired once she found out I was pg with he twins so she´s made them into her new hobby, so to speak. My ILs dont live in the same city (thank god!) but still close enough for regular visits. She arrived today "how are my babies" Aghhhhhhh :angry:

 

QUOTE
Also, she retired once she found out I was pg with he twins so she´s made them into her new hobby, so to speak....
"how are my babies"


I gotta admit, THAT, I might say something about since it's your MIL. I know with others, I've said let the "my boy" or "my girl" thing slide, but it sounds like your MIL has some kinda weird issues about the babies. Is she Spanish speaking? I mean, does she know the impact of those words in English? Wait. That sounds racist. What I'm asking is, culturally, does saying "my babies" mean the same thing in Spain as it does here? Gah, I hope you get what I'm asking. Also, she bloody RETIRED when she found out you were pg??? I mean, yikes. Boundaries, much?

Good luck-try not to strangle her! I feel for ya!

 

My MIL is from Madrid. I know how you feel.
HUGS! She does the "my babies" thing too. I think it may be cultural. Hang in there!

 

((((((((((((((for you))))))))))))))
there's a lady on the uk twin site i usually post on who despairs of her mil; the other day she fed one of her girls a choc chip cake about 30 seconds after she had told her not to!!!
my mum was desperate to give my boys dummies and went out and bought some and then walked in the room in the process of putting one in brook's mouth, 'you dont mind..'. i fairly flew across the room to snatch the dummy away (no issues with dummies!!!! had just put a lot of effort into not using them)
ikwym about it being hard to tell them to stop my parents think they have all the solutions for my 5 yr old and it does feel like they are criticising our parenting skills. but they do look after him after school for half the week. ive got to have a talk with them tomorrow and its going to be very hard.
who would have thought parenting would be such a diplomatic thing.
so no great advice but it sounds like you've got enough of that! just so you know you are not alone
let us know if you find a miracle cure
x

 

QUOTE(Rach28 @ Mar 3 2009, 06:27 AM) [snapback]1212275[/snapback]
When I was in the UK at my parents´, over Christmas, I was exhausted after the 3 weeks there (I did practically everything myself) but happy as I was in control 24/7 plus my mum was there at hand and she never once over-stepped the mark. My MIL is paranoid about everything and quite nervous in general. Also, she retired once she found out I was pg with he twins so she´s made them into her new hobby, so to speak. My ILs dont live in the same city (thank god!) but still close enough for regular visits. She arrived today "how are my babies" Aghhhhhhh :angry:


My MIL retired just before I had my twins too, but not for that reason. Ad we're moving in with them in a few months :blink:

I haven't been doing the vit. D either. I bought some but never had a moment to even open the box! With Twins, one more thing, even if it's just a couple of drops, will send me over the edge!

When she says "my babies" correct her. "You mean grand-babies!" Say it like it's best thing in the world,'cause really it is. My mom keeps saying how becoming a grandparent is what life's all about, it's the greatest thing ever and so on. And I'm not surprised she loves them more than her own kids, I've heard a lot of people say the same thing. So I'd throw in a gentle cheery reminder. Even if she never stops saying it, every time correct her. Who knows, it might drive her nuts. You could fight annoying with annoying.

Having said that you have twins now which means you don't have time to put up with other people's nonsense and you don't have to. Stand up for yourself. It might not change anything, but years from no when you look back on everything you can at least say you didn't let them walk all over you. After all, she already had a chance to raise her kids, now it's your turn. Her job is to spoil them rotten, give them too many sweets, and love them to pieces. Not to decide when they should have solids, if their diaper is "wet enough" to change, when their teeth should be coming in, if they're growing fast enough, or when they should be given a suppository because they don't poop enough! Sorry, I'm kind of venting now. But seriously! I use cloth diapers, it's not like it's going to waist if it's "just a little wet" when I change it. I mean, does she really expect me to leave my baby soaking in pee until the diaper is "wet enough" to change?! She wouldn't do that with the TP. "Oh, I only tinkled a little bit, I'll have to wait until I really pee before I can wipe so I can get the most out of my toilet paper."

Then there's always the approach I see a lot of men take. Smile, nod, "yeah sure" then go off and do whatever the hell you want. That's how DH handles his mom, and I'm thinking it might be the best way for me to handle her.

GL :hug:

 

QUOTE(Vivian @ Mar 3 2009, 07:03 PM) [snapback]1212602[/snapback]
My MIL retired just before I had my twins too, but not for that reason. Ad we're moving in with them in a few months :blink:

I haven't been doing the vit. D either. I bought some but never had a moment to even open the box! With Twins, one more thing, even if it's just a couple of drops, will send me over the edge!

When she says "my babies" correct her. "You mean grand-babies!" Say it like it's best thing in the world,'cause really it is. My mom keeps saying how becoming a grandparent is what life's all about, it's the greatest thing ever and so on. And I'm not surprised she loves them more than her own kids, I've heard a lot of people say the same thing. So I'd throw in a gentle cheery reminder. Even if she never stops saying it, every time correct her. Who knows, it might drive her nuts. You could fight annoying with annoying.

Having said that you have twins now which means you don't have time to put up with other people's nonsense and you don't have to. Stand up for yourself. It might not change anything, but years from no when you look back on everything you can at least say you didn't let them walk all over you. After all, she already had a chance to raise her kids, now it's your turn. Her job is to spoil them rotten, give them too many sweets, and love them to pieces. Not to decide when they should have solids, if their diaper is "wet enough" to change, when their teeth should be coming in, if they're growing fast enough, or when they should be given a suppository because they don't poop enough! Sorry, I'm kind of venting now. But seriously! I use cloth diapers, it's not like it's going to waist if it's "just a little wet" when I change it. I mean, does she really expect me to leave my baby soaking in pee until the diaper is "wet enough" to change?! She wouldn't do that with the TP. "Oh, I only tinkled a little bit, I'll have to wait until I really pee before I can wipe so I can get the most out of my toilet paper."

Then there's always the approach I see a lot of men take. Smile, nod, "yeah sure" then go off and do whatever the hell you want. That's how DH handles his mom, and I'm thinking it might be the best way for me to handle her.

GL :hug:


I have corrected her and told her they´re her grandchildren but she doesn´t take the hint. Maybe Ishould do it every time, like you say. Thanks for your tips, they are good!

 

QUOTE(Charly @ Mar 3 2009, 04:38 PM) [snapback]1212408[/snapback]
My MIL is from Madrid. I know how you feel.
HUGS! She does the "my babies" thing too. I think it may be cultural. Hang in there!


Yes, it must be a cultural thing but it´s so d**n annoying! You live in Spain too, don´t you? I remember we had this conversation once before but my memory has been twinified! :lol:

 

QUOTE(Neumsy @ Mar 3 2009, 03:39 PM) [snapback]1212293[/snapback]
I gotta admit, THAT, I might say something about since it's your MIL. I know with others, I've said let the "my boy" or "my girl" thing slide, but it sounds like your MIL has some kinda weird issues about the babies. Is she Spanish speaking? I mean, does she know the impact of those words in English? Wait. That sounds racist. What I'm asking is, culturally, does saying "my babies" mean the same thing in Spain as it does here? Gah, I hope you get what I'm asking. Also, she bloody RETIRED when she found out you were pg??? I mean, yikes. Boundaries, much?

Good luck-try not to strangle her! I feel for ya!


Yes, it freaked me out a bit too. I forgot to add that she has bought them swings already but for children not babies! They are mounted and ready to be used :lol:

Yes, she´s Spanish-speaking and I understand what you´re trying to say Yes the "my babies" is the same in both languages as she´s told me on more than one occasion that she sees them as her own. I always correct her there and say to her cheerily that they are not hers. Even FIL has said something there and she told me that!

 

QUOTE(larasboys @ Mar 3 2009, 06:37 PM) [snapback]1212560[/snapback]
((((((((((((((for you))))))))))))))
there's a lady on the uk twin site i usually post on who despairs of her mil; the other day she fed one of her girls a choc chip cake about 30 seconds after she had told her not to!!!
my mum was desperate to give my boys dummies and went out and bought some and then walked in the room in the process of putting one in brook's mouth, 'you dont mind..'. i fairly flew across the room to snatch the dummy away (no issues with dummies!!!! had just put a lot of effort into not using them)
ikwym about it being hard to tell them to stop my parents think they have all the solutions for my 5 yr old and it does feel like they are criticising our parenting skills. but they do look after him after school for half the week. ive got to have a talk with them tomorrow and its going to be very hard.
who would have thought parenting would be such a diplomatic thing.
so no great advice but it sounds like you've got enough of that! just so you know you are not alone
let us know if you find a miracle cure
x


that would drive me nuts! I do feel bad moaning about my MIL as she has been such a godsend in so many ways and hasnt got a bad bone in her body, but we are very different in our approaches. She does respect my decisions but it´s what will happen when I´m not there that worries me. DH & I are going to my half sister´s wedding in June and MIL is looking after the twins for me for 2 nights. Oh Lordy... I will leave a list of instructions, one of which will be to NOT wrap them up in so many blankets/put too many clothes on them...!