Feeling terrible guilt

Please don't move this to the BFing forum.

I'm dealing with a lot of guilt and sadness over not being able to exclusively breastfeed my boys. It was fully my intention to do so and it just didn't pan out. Part of me sees my logic and understands that it wasn't in the cards for me, but another part of me feels like I'm just making excuses.

I very quickly decided to supplement when on day 3 the lactation consultant told me the boys were losing too much weight and I had to try harder. My milk hadn't come in yet, I was breastfeeding every 2 hours followed by 20 minutes of pumping. I was a wreck. I started the bottles right then and there, against the advice of the LC that led me to that decision. My milk came in that night. I was released from the hospital the next day. I was readmitted the following day, however, because of HELLP Syndrome and as a result, I was away from the babies for about 24 hours. The hospital let me bring the boys in to stay with me, though, but they said they couldn't help me with the babies since the babies were no longer patients. My dh was there for most of the day but he went home to sleep and I was on my own for the nights and mornings.

When we were back at home I tried but we had so many visitors and I was too shy to bare it all in front of them. It was very difficult because the boys idea of breastfeeding took a lot longer than I was led to believe it should. They would stay at the breast for about 45 minutes before acting satisfied, but then they would scream of hunger about 20 minutes after that and I would give them a bottle out of desperation. Those first few weeks I would typically breastfeed for about 40 minutes, pump for 20, then give them a bottle. This cycle started over again every 3 hours from start to start, not from the end of the cycle to the beginning of the next, so essentially I'd have about one hour after one cycle before the next one started. This was too much for me.

After a few weeks my husband went back to work and I was on my own and still recovering and still on medication to control the blood pressure and anemia. At 2.5 months my husband left to spend a couple of weeks with his family in the UK. I was completely on my own then 24/7. It got harder to keep the breastfeeding/pumping/bottles and more and more feedings were just bottles. At 4 months my FIL passed away and dh was away for the better part of the following 6 weeks. During that time I had to go back to work but eventually quit that job. It was too hard! They also didn't give me adequate facilities for pumping and I had to pump while sitting in a bathroom sink in a public restroom.

Now, at 6 months, my milk supply is dwindling. One of my boys won't even take the breast for more than 2 minutes.

I read about how women can exclusively breastfeed twins. I know a few people who have done it. I know first-hand that it's not easy, especially without any help. So why do I feel so heart-wrenchingly guilty??

 

:grouphug:

I would like to share with you a post that I typed when my babies were almost a year old. They are now almost 3.

QUOTE
My babies are almost a year old. They are healthy, happy, beautiful, babies! I am STILL dealing with the guilt from not breastfeeding them.

Here is the story....

I did not bf my first 2 kids, due to the fact that I was put on medication for depression immediately following their births. And honestly, it didn't bother me. I was younger, and it really was not all that important to me.

Josh, #3, came along, and I really wanted to bf him. He was almost 24 hours old, and had still not latched on, so I caved to the nurses. They told me that I should supplement, so I did. That was my biggest mistake. I did bf him everyday for the first 7 weeks, although he was getting most of his nutrition through formula.

Now the twins. I was so determined to make it work. I wanted sooo badly to nurse them. I had my EZ2Nurse pillow, my extremely expensive Medela pump, nursing bras, nursing gowns, etc. So, after I had them, I got them both to latch fairly well...that's what the nurses told me anyway. I even tandemed in the hospital! I was so proud of myself! After we were released, the babies were a bit jaundiced and had to be seen everyday at the ped until their levels started coming back down. Emma kept losing weight, and Jacob was just holding steady at the weight he left the hospital at. Ped told me to supplement. The beginning of the end. I just caved...gave in. Started giving them bottles. I tried to pump a few times, but didn't get much and to top it off, I was bleeding from the constant nursing.

When I see other people post about breastfeeding their babies, it makes me so sad. I feel like such a failure in that respect. I just want the guilt to go away. Does anyone else feel this way?


Here are all of the wonderful responses I got.

I don't know why we as women are so incredibly hard on ourselves about these things. I still feel twinges of guilt till this day. In the large picture though, it doesn't really matter. I don't think our kids are going to have to ever put on their resumes whether or not the were breastfed or formula fed. :lol: What matters is that we make decisions that are the best for our whole family, including us, we matter too. :hug:

 

Oh, hon. Sending you huge hugs. The guilt does get better, although I still deal with it, too, and I weaned from the pump nearly a year ago. Long story short, I breastfed my older DD with no problems, but ran into all sorts of trouble with my twins -- preemies who wouldn't latch, health issues for me (including high blood pressure requiring bedrest post-partum), and one baby with oral motor issues and feeding/breathing stuff that likely would have prevented him from latching no matter what (although we didn't know it at the time). Boy did I struggle, and ended up pumping exclusively for about 10 months, and supplementing with formula because I didn't make 60 oz. a day.

I think part of it is just grief -- grief at not being able to do what you envisioned for your babies. We moms are really hard on ourselves, and those breastfeeding hormones are just brutal. There was a time when I couldn't even talk about this without crying, and I was really depressed about it. It still gets to me when I'm feeling emotional.

It gets better. My babies are huge and happy and healthy, and I gave them as much breastmilk as I possibly could while maintaining my sanity. I hope you'll be able to come to peace with it sooner rather than later!

 

I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to say that i admire you for lasting so long with pumping... I had a similar situation, and after DH went back to work it didn't work out for me. It became too much for me.. I felt the guilt, but i wanted to tell you that when im really tired, i think about trying to relactate, but then when i wake up and am rested i know that I made a decision that was right for me and i know that my babies are loved and fed and healthy..

Lots of hugs your way because it is a really hard thing to endure

 

With the exception of the second hospital visit, I was in the same situation (oh - my dh didn't leave for weeks either...) So not exactly the same, but in terms of long nursing sessions, and having to supplement, etc. I don't have any wonderful advice for you b/c I also feel the guilt, and wish I tried just a little harder. On the other hand, I pumped for a long time (just stopped 2 weeks ago - and for the last month hardly produced anything), and I needed to stay sane for the sake of my girls. Just know that you are not alone...sending you hugs! I have come to terms with it more and more, but it is still the thing I would try to change if I could go back. In reality we can't go back, and we do the best that we can. Its easy for us to look back and think that maybe we could have done this or that, but with two babies and dh away (even with dh home!) its an accomplishment to get to the end of the day! Don't be hard on yourself (I know it easier said than done)! :hug:

 

You have done an amazing job! Pumping wore me so thin! Lasting as long as you did is deserving of a big pat on the back. It was so depressing for me to only be pumping enough for 1/3 of a bottle for ONE baby every three hours. I decided it was better for my mental health to stop. Since my boys were NICU babies, I just couldn't get my supply going. I still feel guilty too. You are a great mom and the fact that you feel guilty proved it! Lots of hugs! :hug:

 

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry that you have this guilt & sadness. Its to be expected, pregnancy, breastfeeding, they are all filled with emotions and we have dreams of what we think we should be able to do... the prior posters have lots to say that is really on the point!

I think you had a lot of strikes against you with your family situation that your dh had to go to attend to and be gone, that is not to place any blame on him, its just that life handed you a lot to deal with at one time, and you're doing a great job to be in the breastfeeding time at 6 months still! I say you are doing a stellar job and you should feel proud that you've been able to do what you have!

I always say that I couldn't be a LC... even though I've breastfed my twins so long... because truly they haven't had many "issues"... I really admire the women who stick with whatever amount of breastfeeding they can do especially when they've had multiple things to deal with. Be proud of what you've accomplished! Big hugs to you!

 

i feel your pain. :hug: i was only able to BF for 3 weeks and i was supplementing that whole time. my milk never fully came in due to a traumatic delivery, HELPP syndrome and pre-e, i was so sick after they were born that i only saw them once in the first 24-36 hours, it sucked. i tried so hard to BF, constantly pumping, taking all kinds of nasty herbs, etc. on top of that DS had a crappy suck reflex, he was gavage fed in the NICU for 8 days so he could barely latch and DD just refused to latch unless i was using a nipple shield.. after many tears and sobbing conversations with my mom and best friend, i decided to throw in the towel. it was one of the hardest things i have had to do as a mother, but i have had to accept it. my LOs are big and healthy and that is all i ever wanted and if i had to give them formula to make them that way, then so be it. but, the guilt is still there, i guess it always will be.

 

Of course you are mourning the dream you had that didn't pan out. But you shouldn't feel guilty. Your babies are fed and healthy and happy, and they will have a great start in life no matter what you feed them because you are their mom and you love them and care for them the best that you can. You did bf them and so they got those benefits, too. :grouphug:

 

I also went through the guilt of not BFing and I went through it alone as no-one seemed to support me plus I didnt really talk about it. When I did, I got disapproving comments as those women all BFed. I was going through enough at that time and criticism isnt what I wanted or needed. Looking back, I can see that I was just physically and emotionally exhasuted from teh pregnancy, the birth and looking after 2 newborns day & night. I didnt have access to a LC and the nurses at the hospital prodded, poked & squeezed my BBs and tutted about the lack of milk. I managed to give my LOs some BM for 3 weeks here and there then just stopped as I couldn´t physically do it. My milk didnt come in properly for 4 days, or so, and DS was impatient. I had to FF.

Both of my babies are fit and healthy and I feel no guilt whatsoever. Please dont feel bad, it´s not your fault plus you have a lot going on in your life right now. Please know the guilt will fade and you will stop beating yourself up about it. The love you have for your LOs is what they need. :hug:

 

I'm so sorry you are having guilt over this. You gave them a great start with what you did. Most people wouldn't last that long at all.

I also wanted to nurse the twins, I mean to the point that I refused to give them a bottle for 10 days even though one was losing weight. It just wasn't working for Mallory though, as she had a terrible latch. One day (mother's day) I just gave in and started pumping for her and nursing the other. Then from that point pumping for one and nursing for the other was so tiring that I quit nursing and just started pumping. I was fortunate to keep up my supply and they are still getting 100% BM but I CANNOT tell you how disappointed I was with myself. I was prepared to NURSE these babies like I did DD. I wanted that bond with them. I feel so guilty that I gave up on actually nursing them so easily. And now they've been sick twice since I stopped pumping (they get all frozen BM and have since 10 months). I could go on and on about the guilt I have for not nursing them and ruining the immunities they could have gotten from fresh from the tap BM. Anyway...

My point is, everyone has guilt over things. What's important is that you gave it your best. Your babies will be so thankful for the great start you gave them!

 

I know your pain. It bothers me every single time I look at the bottles and formula that I cannot breastfeed. I hate everything about bottle feeding. In the past, I believe I had a negative attitude towards formula feeding and I couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't breastfeed. Well, here I am toting around bottles and formula everywhere I go. I had to quit after three weeks of exclusively breastfeeding after being readmitted to the hospital and sent to a larger hospital a long distance from home where the children were not allowed to visit me. I spent the next eight weeks in hospital. After the first week in the hospital I was told by my doctor and my lactation consultant that I had to stop pumping and dumping and let my milk supply dry up because it required too much energy that I needed to preserve. As it turns out, I was on medication that I was not allowed to breastfeed while taking up until the end of March. Needless to say, I still feel guilty. However, everyone reminds me of the blessings of formula feeding, including allowing my husband to take a feed in the middle of the night. As well, my family doctor kindly reminded me that he was formula fed and he turned out all right! So don't sweat it and realize that despite all the pressure society puts on us, sometimes our own circumstances don't allow us to breastfeed. I am glad to know that I am not the only mother who can't breastfeed who feels such tremendous guilt. At least I'm not alone in this... Thank you very much.

 

Thank you all! I don't know what hit me today. I just read here and there about people who were successful and I felt like I was punched in the gut. Nobody was cruel or judgmental, I just got really sad all of a sudden, so sad that it physically hurt. I recalled going to a baby shower in January and talking to a woman with 6-month-old twins who was exclusively breastfeeding. She went on and on about how she felt bad for women who were undersupplied when she had ample milk and pumped 20 ounces every morning and not only met all her babies' needs but was building a good frozen supply. While she was trying to be kind, her words have settled deep into my psyche and have made me feel like a failure, especially every time I pump and get just a few ounces.

And then every now and then I feel really happy of what I have accomplished with so many things that have made this such a great challenge. I am really glad that I'm still pumping and able to provide some breast milk for the boys. I also have a much greater understanding of those that don't breastfeed for whatever reason.

Thank you so much! Hugs all around!!

 

I also originally planned to EBF (for a while; I knew I couldn't do more than 6 months max due to needing to go back on MS meds asap) and also got off to a rougher start than anticipated, so I can relate. I do think you have done an amazing job considering all you went through! I really admire your perseverance!

 

sweetie I know that pain all tow weel I felt like I was letting my babies down because I couldn't produce enough milk....I mean even with reglan my breast milk never came down....I was exclusively b/fing til they were 4 days old thinking I was doing a good job.....well at 4 days old Jacob wouldn't even latch at all so I called my ped. and he had me come in and he checked his billruben and it was high so he admitted him....and while they were trying to get his IV in they told me he was dehydrated....I'd been starving the poor little guy and didn't know it....so they told me to give him formula and I could use a pump while he was in the hospital so we could measure exactally what he was getting well I thought I'll go ahead and pump for Mekaila too to make sure she's getting enough to.....well she wasn't I wasn't even pumping enough for one baby let alone two...I felt like such a bad mom that I didn't even know they were starving....so I put them on formula and still pumped for 3 months but never got more than 2 oz at a time so heck by the time I'd split it between the two of them they were just getting a couple swallows and it became to much of a hastle....but I felt so aweful I said all along no matter what I would give them b/m so they had the best start possible....and when I couldn't well I took it hard but I did the best I could and that's all I could do.

 

Totally know how you feel! I was all ready to bf them exclusively, bought everything required including a 800bucks Medela pump. But I was doing so badly, my milk didn't come, and I was only pumping 50ml max every 3hrly. It was barely enough for my DD who was bigger than DS. Everytime I pumped, I was trying to choke my tears back cos DH will tell me to stop torturing myself (Cos I was having sore and cracked nipples and I wouldn't eat or drink until I finish pumping). Come the time when I had some form of infection and I had to go on a course of antibiotics, and I stopped totally for 8 days (5days course, but I waited till 8 days for the med to totally wear off). I took motilium to encourage milk production during those 8 days, but the supply just died off. I stopped bf totally when they were 2 months. Since then, I am very upset whenever I see the pump sitting in the bedroom, I finally took the courage to sell it off in ebay.
The pump was sold to a mum who has a singleton same age as my babies, and she's so determined (and lots of milk, apparently)...which just rubs salt onto my wound...

Having said that (sorry abt the long story, but it just brought everything back), I'm glad DS and DD are growing up fine, and I've came to acknowledge that we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves. Afterall, we've gone through the roughest patch - the pregnancy and delivery. We should be thankful that they're healthy and eating/drinking well (be it b/milk or formula). We're one tough crowd!! Cheer up and hugss!! :hug: :hug: