Feeling like a bad/incompetent mom

I have 7 week old twin girls (born at 35.2 weeks ) who spent 2 weeks in the NICU, so we've been home for 5 weeks. My DH has been back at work for 4 weeks, so I am home alone with them most days. I am currently sitting on the floor...my usual place, which is just great for my 37-year-old back...with the laptop, using my elbow to rock the bouncy of one daughter and constantly reaching over to pop a binky in the other's mouth. I have tried putting them on their gym mat, I try singing to them, I try simply putting them together on a big blanket on the floor and getting them to engage...it's all been futile. I feel like they are almost 8 weeks and I should be doing "stuff" with them...but what stuff?
Here's a basic run-down of my day:

8:55 AM - as soon as she begins to stir, start giving Samantha a bottle of expressed breast milk while Rebecca is still asleep
8:57 AM - Rebecca starts to scream
9:15 AM - with Rebecca still screaming, finish feeding/burping Samantha
9:20 AM - put Samantha in bouncy at my feet with binky in mouth; start breast-feeding Rebecca
9:22 AM - Samantha starts to scream. Try to keep Becca on breast while bending over to re-insert binky in Sammi's mouth. Use foot to rock bouncy.
9:23 AM - re-insert binky
9:24 AM - re-insert binky
9:25 AM - re-insert binky
9:27 AM - re-insert binky
...You get the idea...
9:50 AM - finish BF'ing and burping Becca
10:00 AM - Pump
10:30 AM - now start the back-and-forth binky wars with BOTH girls. Beg them to make solid eye contact, smile, or show some sign that they love me (doesn't happen).
11:00 AM - both girls start to calm down and I run upstairs to gather the laundry and bottles from overnight
11:10 AM - Throw in load of laundry
11:15 AM - Throw some food down my throat
11:20 AM - Wash bottles and pump parts
11:35 AM - Realize I've had to pee for 1.5 hours...run to bathroom
11:40 AM - check work emails for 10-15 minutes
11:55 AM - REPEAT

So...in addition to wanting to lose my mind, I cannot for the life of me figure out what I should be doing with my children at this point because all they seem to do is sleep, or cry unless there's a binky in their mouth (and they spit it out CONSTANTLY). I am going crazy, and feeling like a horrible, lazy mother at the same time. They are in bouncies or swings almost all day because between feeding one at a time, followed by pumping, followed by washing bottles and pump pieces, I have almost zero down time before it's time to start the next feeding.
Any advice or words of encouragement?

(*Note: Per doctor's orders, I am BF'ing one girl per feeding and giving the other a bottle of breastmilk so I can make sure they're getting enough at least every other feeding...)

 

You are right in the thick of it right now, so hang in there first of all! :hug:

Secondly, they were born nearly 5 wks early so their adjusted age is only about 3 wks. I know you are anxious for those first smiles, those first coos...again hang in there, all of a sudden they will surprise you with a little sweet smile and it'll knock your socks off!

As for what to do, I would start the breastfeeding twin first. I would have twin #2 in a bouncy chair beside me, in a boppy pillow beside me or laying on the couch beside with their head/shoulders raised up on a blanket (put the blanket right up against your knee with their head there and their feet tucked under your arm). I would have the bottle ready to go, and I would either feed them at the same time, or as close to the same time as you can. If you get everything prepared in advance (nursing pillow, burp cloths, bottle) then you can just plop down with the babies and go to it. If you get the nursing one going first, you can hold the bottle with your opposite hand and feed that way. You also have your hand/arm handy to sooth, rub belly, stroke the face of the non nursing one to help keep them calm.

The all day screaming is something else, and I wonder if they have gas or reflux issues. Do they squirm a lot, toot a lot or pull their knees up and act like they are in pain when they cry? Have you tried mylicon gas drops before/after a feeding to see if it helps? Sometimes they have small bubbles that don't want to come out, but the mylicon helps those bubbles bind together and move out of their digestive tract.

Do they spit up alot? Swallow a lot? Scream in pain? That may be reflux instead of gas, and should be brought up with your dr to rule it out!

Lastly, the "stuff" you can do right now is very limited. Do you have "stations" in your house? Something as simple as putting them on your bed while you fold laundry. Bring them to the highchairs in the kitchen. Bouncy seats in living room. Blanket on the couch....etc. Just a change of pace, of sights can help to calm and stimulate them. You can try reading books and such to them but I've never done that until my kids were older, at 6 months old my babes are now trying to eat the books and just want to play with them!

:hug: It gets better! I felt like my babes were lumps until 6-8 wks when they finally started to "wake up" a bit!

 

Wow you are going through a lot right now! Instead of trying to constantly put the binky back in their mouths, if when they have the binkies in their mouths you sort of try to take it from them by pressing down on the binky it will make them suck harder on it, to keep it in. It's a trick I learned from watching "The Happiest Baby on the Block" DVD.

There isn't a whole lot you can do with them right now other than what you are doing. Do you have an activity mat that you could put them on for tummy time?

:hug: Hang in there. The first couple of months with twinfants are really tough.

 

Well, Danielle just about covered everything I was going to say & I don't want to repeat, but I was just going to add that you are NOT incompetent! Those first few weeks are so tiring & frustrating & tiring and difficult and, did I say tiring? They don't do much at that age except sleep, eat & cry, so don't worry about doing too much with them, that time will come later & they will be running you off your feet. Until then, hang in there! :hug:

 

:grouphug: You are doing everything I did and I felt like supermom! Simply feeding two babies, pumping and cleaning bottles is a huge feat! Aimee is right. There is not too much activity for them until they hold their heads up better. As for smiling, that didn't happen for us until about 4 months actual, 2.5 adjusted. Hang in there! It will get much better soon! I also agree that I would try and feed them together. When you are pumping after you need every minute you can spare!

 

OMGness- You ARE doing GREAT! At that age all their going to do is just "hang-out" all day. Like in the pp, the smiles will come, just give that part time. Feeding got SO much easier for me when I figured out how to do both babies at the same time. I think personally the EZ-2-Nurse Pillow is a must for this. You could easly bf and bottle feed at the same time (not empty words, I did it). That would clear up a few minutes for you and solve some of that helplessness you are feeling. When you get really good at it, you can even bf, bottle, AND eat all at the same time! Im all for BF and if that's important to you, keep it up, but don't get stressed about it. Do what works best for you. Pumping really takes up so much time. As soon as the doc gives the ok try and get both on the breast, it'll make life easier. This is "that time" that we all talk about. The time when your just figuring it out as you go and you are simply surviving one day at a time. Trust me, You are doing better then you think.

 

Hang in there and don't worry too much about doing stuff with them or entertaining them right now. They are so young and really just need to eat, sleep, be changed and cuddle. I worried about the exact same thing when my lo's were that age, I kept thinking I was doing something wrong by not stimulating them more. I can remember trying to read to them at 7 or 8 weeks old while they sat in their bouncers screaming. All they seemed to do all day was lounge, sleep and eat. So it's normal to feel the way you do, we all have and one day it will all change and you'll know they are ready for more. I will say the greatest thing I did for me and them at that age was to go walking, of course it was February so we bundled up big time but they loved it. They would either fall asleep or look around for a while and stare at me. Just a thought if it's not too hot where you are. You're doing great!

 

Like the PPs said, the babies are only really 2-1/2 weeks old. They are eating and pooping machines now. As long as you deal with their inputs and outputs, they'll be just fine. They're working really hard to build those tiny bodies at the moment, but will soon show their personalities. It just won't feel like "soon"! :grouphug:

 

You are doing a great job! It will get easier soon. I went through almost the same thing, including the pumping. I found that if I refrigerated my pump parts between sessions, it would save me lots of time in cleaning them. I just put them in the fridge in a ziplock bag when I am done. This way I only wash the parts once a day instead of 8 times a day. I also feed them while I pump to save time. I either nurse and pump simultaneous while I hold the bottle for the other or give both of them bottles while I pump. They are 4 months old now (10 weeks adjusted) and I am still doing it this way because I find it easier and faster than nursing both at every feeding.

 

Big hugs. I can reassure you fully that it does get better and you will be turning corners sooner than you know. My boys were born 4 weeks early and didn't start to smile until 8 weeks old and then it was truely occasional like one time a day. Now they are 10 weeks and we can get them to smile quite a bit when we talk to them. The are only now starting to coo a little bit too. Let me stress a little. They are making eye contact a lot more now too. One thing I do everyday while they are laying on their mat is shake a rattle and try to get them to follow it from one side to the other. They do most of the time. We call it excercise lol. I try to get them to turn to sounds, they do sometimes, sometimes not. I work with them pulling them up to get their necks stronger and I try to give them tummy time. That doesn't always go great but we are working on it.
Anyways, hope this helps some. Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing great. I'm so jealous that you are breastfeeding so successfully. I dried up at 4 weeks. Talk about feeling like a failure.

 

Thank so much for the replies ladies! I don't feel so bad about myself today and it's nice to realize that others have felt the exact same way. My goal today is to attempt to tandem BF...if I can only figure out how to pick them up separately while supporting their tiny heads and positioning them. I'm gonna give it a shot...practice makes perfect, right? You super-moms have let me know that it CAN be done!
Thanks again. I really do appreciate it and will breathe a little easier today.

 

I never could tandem very easily because my breasts are too large to do it comfortably, but what I did was, sat right in the middle of my loveseat. I put one of my big pillows on each side of me, strapped on my nursing pillow (I didn't have the twin nurser, just a my brest friend pillow), then picked up both babies in my arms and sat in the middle of the pillows. I had extra blankets (receiving and regular) around the edges of the pillow to help prop little heads/necks/shoulders and support backs and legs! It was an ordeal, but I managed to make it work a few times at least!

 

At that age, I lived in bed with them... It was much easier to have them on their backs in bed or laying in their boppys talking to them. They would nap all the time in their boppies as well. It will get much easier very soon, I promise! Just wait until they give you big smiles and coos!

 

You're doing great, hun.. Danibell had great suggestions!! Hang in there, it gets better soon I promise! *hugs*

 

You are doing so much better than you realize! It sounds to me like you on top of things, even though it does not feel like it!

 

Hang in there, it sounds like you're doing great! And if you have any questions about tandem breastfeeding (or BF in general), you can always post to the Breastfeeding Forum here on TS. There are some extremely helpful women on there who have really BTDT with breastfeeding twins!!

 

this sounds like my day only i have more down time than you seem to. my boys are one month old tomorrow but technically they aren't even supposed to be here yet since they were born 5 weeks early. all they do is eat, sleep, poop and pee...oh and cry, we have lots of crying. i feel like when their eyes are open they should be stimulated on the mat or with tummy time but they just lay there and either cry or just stare off into space. i feel like there is something more i should be doing with them too, hold them more, something but when they are sleeping i try not to bother them and just let them stay asleep in their crib or bassinet. so i get what you mean by feeling incompetent as a parent. i too feel like i should be more interactive with them but technically they should still be in my stomach until next thursday!

 

You should be very proud of yourself. Breastfeeding twins is extremely difficult. Add pumping on top of it and it's even more difficult. I only lasted 6 weeks at it, but I did tandem nurse. I had the EZ 2 Nurse pillow, which is the best. I sat on my loveseat with each baby on each side of me. I then, picked one up at a time and then got them latched on. If you have access to a lactation consultant, I highly recommend it. They were the ones who got me going in the hospital. I then went for a couple meetings after I got home. They weigh the babies before and after to see how much they are drinking too. My insurance covered it. If you can get them to feed at the same time, your life will be so much easier.

Don't worry about not doing much with them yet. We all felt the same way back then. Eventually, they will perk up and start smiling and cooing. It's the best.

Good luck!!!

 

Don't forget that just by being out in the world, the babies are getting tons of stimulation of all their senses.

 

My twins are the same age, and you do feel like all you do is feed babies, put binkies back in their mouths, begging them to go to sleep so you can eat, get some stuff around the house done, or whatever. Don't feel bad, I think it just goes with the territory. I don't think they do much at this stage, so don't expect much. My babies were also screaming all the time, so we tried the Mylicon drops and gripe water. The gripe water is all natural, it works on one of my daughters, but not the other. It seems to have cured the constant screaming and gas problems. Now they sleep, usually. Maybe they are still hungry when you're done BF. Maybe it doesn't fill them up enough. Who knows? Try everything you can to get them to calm down. My husband and I are still working on it. I hear it gets easier.